poor miss finch-第52节

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〃I　don't　think　I　understand　you；〃　I　answered。　〃You　cannot　surely　mean　to
say　that　you　would　not　have　been　glad；　under　any　circumstances；　to
recover　your　sight？〃

〃That　is　just　what　I　do　mean　to　say。〃

〃What！　you；　who　have　written　to　Grosse　to　hurry　the　operation；　don't　care
to　see？〃

〃I　only　care　to　see　Oscar。　And；　what　is　more；　I　only　care　to　see　him
because　I　am　in　love　with　him。　But　for　that；　I　really　don't　feel　as　if　it
would　give　me　any　particular　pleasure　to　use　my　eyes。　I　have　been　blind
so　long；　I　have　learnt　to　do　without　them。〃

〃And　yet；　you　looked　perfectly　entranced　when　Nugent　first　set　you
doubting　whether　you　were　blind　for　life？〃

〃Nugent　took　me　by　surprise；〃　she　answered；　〃Nugent　startled　me　out　of　my
senses。　I　have　had　time　to　think　since；　I　am　not　carried　away　by　the
enthusiasm　of　the　moment　now。　You　people　who　can　see　attach　such　an
absurd　importance　to　your　eyes！　I　set　my　touch；　my　dear；　against　your
eyes；　as　much　the　most　trustworthy；　and　much　the　most　intelligent　sense
of　the　two。　If　Oscar　was　not；　as　I　have　said；　the　uppermost　feeling　with
me；　shall　I　tell　you　what　I　should　have　infinitely　preferred　to
recovering　my　sightsupposing　it　could　have　been　done？〃　She　shook　her
head　with　a　comic　resignation　to　circumstances。　〃Unfortunately；　it　can't
be　done！〃

〃What　can't　be　done？〃

She　suddenly　held　out　both　her　arms　over　the　breakfast…table。

〃The　stretching　out　of　_these_　to　an　enormous　and　unheard…of　length。　That
is　what　I　should　have　liked！〃　she　answered。　〃I　could　find　out　better　what
was　going　on　at　a　distance　with　my　hands；　than　you　could　with　your　eyes
and　your　telescopes。　What　doubts　I　might　set　at　rest　for　instance　about
the　planetary　system；　among　the　people　who　can　see；　if　I　could　only
stretch　out　far　enough　to　touch　the　stars。〃

〃This　is　talking　sheer　nonsense；　Lucilla！〃

〃Is　it？　Just　tell　me　which　knows　best　in　the　darkmy　touch　or　your　eyes？
Who　has　got　a　sense　that　she　can　always　trust　to　serve　her　equally　well
through　the　whole　four…and…twenty　hours？　You　or　me？　But　for　Oscarto
speak　in　sober　earnest；　this　timeI　tell　you　I　would　much　rather　perfect
the　sense　in　me　that　I　have　already　got；　than　have　a　sense　given　to　me
that　I　have　_not_　got。　Until　I　knew　Oscar；　I　don't　think　I　ever　honestly
envied　any　of　you　the　use　of　your　eyes。〃

〃You　astonish　me；　Lucilla！〃

She　rattled　her　teaspoon　impatiently　in　her　empty　cup。

〃Can　you　always　trust　your　eyes；　even　in　broad　daylight？〃　she　burst　out。
〃How　often　do　they　deceive　you；　in　the　simplest　things？　What　did　I　hear
you　all　disputing　about　the　other　day　in　the　garden？　You　were　looking　at
some　view？〃

〃Yesat　the　view　down　the　alley　of　trees　at　the　other　end　of　the
churchyard　wall。〃

〃Some　object　in　the　alley　had　attracted　general　noticehad　it　not？〃

〃Yesan　object　at　the　further　end　of　it。〃

〃I　heard　you　up　here。　You　all　differed　in　opinion；　in　spite　of　your
wonderful　eyes。　My　father　said　it　moved。　You　said　it　stood　still。　Oscar
said　it　was　a　man。　Mrs。　Finch　said　it　was　a　calf。　Nugent　ran　off；　and
examined　this　amazing　object　at　close　quarters。　And　what　did　it　turn　out
to　be？　A　stump　of　an　old　tree　blown　across　the　road　in　the　night！　Why　am
I　to　envy　people　the　possession　of　a　sense　which　plays　them　such　tricks
as　that？　No！　no！　Herr　Grosse　is　going　to　'cut　into　my　cataracts；'　as　he
calls　itbecause　I　am　going　to　be　married　to　a　man　I　love；　and　I　fancy；
like　a　fool；　I　may　love　him　better　still；　if　I　can　see　him。　I　may　be
quite　wrong；〃　she　added　archly。　〃It　may　end　in　my　not　loving　him　half　as
well　as　I　do　now！〃

I　thought　of　Oscar's　face；　and　felt　a　sickening　fear　that　she　might　be
speaking　far　more　seriously　than　she　suspected。　I　tried　to　change　the
subject。　No！　Her　imaginative　nature　had　found　its　way　into　a　new　region
of　speculation　before　I　could　open　my　lips。

〃I　associate　light；〃　she　said　thoughtfully；　〃with　all　that　is　beautiful
and　heavenlyand　dark　with　all　that　is　vile　and　horrible　and　devilish。　I
wonder　how　light　and　dark　will　look　to　me　when　I　see？〃

〃I　believe　they　will　astonish　you；〃　I　answered；　〃by　being　entirely　unlike
what　you　fancy　them　to　be　now。〃

She　started。　I　had　alarmed　her　without　intending　it。

〃Will　Oscar's　face　be　utterly　unlike　what　I　fancy　it　to　be　now？〃　she
asked；　in　suddenly　altered　tones。　〃Do　you　mean　to　say　that　I　have　not　had
the　right　image　of　him　in　my　mind　all　this　time？〃

I　tried　again　to　draw　her　off　to　another　topic。　What　more　could　I
dowith　my　tongue　tied　by　the　German's　warning　to　us　not　to　agitate　her；
in　the　face　of　the　operation　to　be　performed　on　the　next　day？

It　was　quite　useless。　She　went　on；　as　before；　without　heeding　me。

〃Have　I　no　means　of　judging　rightly　what　Oscar　is　like？〃　she　said。　〃I
touch　my　own　face；　I　know　how　long　it　is　and　how　broad　it　is；　I　know　how
big　the　different　features　are；　and　where　they　are。　And　then　I　touch
Oscar；　and　compare　his　face　with　my　knowledge　of　my　own　face。　Not　a
single　detail　escapes　me。　I　see　him　in　my　mind　as　plainly　as　you　see　me
across　this　table。　Do　you　mean　to　say；　when　I　see　him　with　my　eyes；　that
I　shall　discover　something　perfectly　new　to　me？　I　don't　believe　it！〃　She
started　up　impatiently；　and　took　a　turn　in　the　room。　〃Oh！〃　she　exclaimed；
with　a　stamp　of　her　foot；　〃why　can't　I　take　laudanum　enough；　or
chloroform　enough　to　kill　me　for　the　next　six　weeksand　then　come　to
life　again　when　the　German　takes　the　bandage　off　my　eyes！〃　She　sat　down
once　more；　and　drifted　all　on　a　sudden　into　a　question　of　pure　morality。
〃Tell　me　this；〃　she　said。　〃Is　the　greatest　virtue；　the　virtue　which　it　is
most　difficult　to　practice？〃

〃I　suppose　so；〃　I　answered。

She　drummed　with　both　hands　on　the　table；　petulantly；　viciously；　as　hard
as　she　could。

〃Then；　Madame　Pratolungo；〃　she　said；　〃the　greatest　of　all　the　virtues
isPatience。　Oh；　my　friend；　how　I　hate　the　greatest　of　all　the　virtues
at　this　moment！〃

That　ended　itthere　the　conversation　found　its　way　into　other　topics　at
last。

Thinking　afterwards　of　the　new　side　of　her　mind　which　Lucilla　had　shown
to　me；　I　derived　one　consolation　from　what　had　passed　at　the
breakfast…table。　If　Mr。　Sebright　proved　to　be　right；　and　if　the　operation
failed　after　all；　I　had　Lucilla's　word　for　it　that　blindness；　of　itself；
is　not　the　terrible　affliction　to　the　blind　which　the　rest　of　us　fancy　it
to　bebecause　we　can　see。

Towards　half…past　seven　in　the　evening；　I　went　out　alone；　as　I　had
planned；　to　meet　Oscar　on　his　return　from　London。

At　a　long　straight　stretch　of　the　road；　I　saw　him　advancing　towards　me。
He　was　walking　more　rapidly　than　usual；　and　singing　as　he　walked。　Even
through　its　livid　discoloration；　the　poor　fellow's　face　looked　radiant
with　happiness　as　he　came　nearer。　He　waved　his　walking…stick　exultingly
in　the　air。　〃Good　news！〃　he　called　out　at　the　top　of　his　voice。　〃Mr。
Sebright　has　made　me　a　happy　man　again！〃　I　had　never　before　seen　him　so
like　Nugent　in　manner；　as　I　now　saw　him　when　we　met　and　he　shook　hands
with　me。

〃Tell　me　all　about　it；〃　I　said。

He　gave　me　his　arm；　and；　talking　all　the　way；　we　walked　back　slowly　to
Dimchurch。

〃In　the　first　place；〃　he　began；　〃Mr。　Sebright　holds　to　his　own　opinion
more　firmly　than　ever。　He　feels　absolutely　certain　that　the　operation
will　fail。〃

〃Is　that　your　good　news？〃　I　asked　reproachfully。

〃No；〃　he　said。　〃Though；　mind；　I　own　to　my　shame　there　was　a　time　when　I
almost　hoped　it　would　fail。　Mr。　Sebright　has　put　me　in　a　better　frame　of
mind。　I　have　little　or　nothing　to　dread　from　the　success　of　the
operationif；　by　any　extraordinary　chance；　it　should　succeed。　I　remind
you　of　Mr。　Sebright's　opinion　merely　to　give　you　a　right　idea　of　the　tone
which　he　took　with　me　at　starting。　He　only　consented　under　protest　to
contemplate　the　event　which　Lucilla　and　Herr　Grosse　consider　to　be　a
certainty。　'If　the　statement　of　your　position　requires　it；'　he　said；　'I
will　admit　that　it　is　barely　possible　she　may　be　able　to　see　you　two
months　hence。　Now　begin。'　I　began　by　informing　him　of　my　marriage
engagement。〃

〃Shall　I　tell　you　how　Mr。　Sebright　received　the　information？〃　I　said。　〃He
held　his　tongue；　and　made　you　a　bow。〃

Oscar　laughed。

〃Quite　true！〃　he　answered。　〃I　told　him　next　of　Lucilla's　extraordinary
antipathy　to　dark　people；　and　dark　shades　of　color　of　all　kinds。　Can　you
guess　what　he　said　to　me　when　I　had　done？〃

I　owned　that　my　observation　of　Mr。　Sebright's　character　did　not　extend　to
guessing　that。

〃He　said　it　was　a　common　antipathy　in　his　experience　of　the　blind。　It　was
one　among　the　many　strange　influences　exercised　by　blindness　on　the　mind。
'The　physical　affliction　has　its　mysterious　moral　influence；'　he　said。
'We　can　observe　it；　but　we　can't　explain　it。　The　special　antipathy　which
you　mention；　is　an　incurable　antipathy；　except　on　one　conditionthe
recovery　of　the　sight。'　There　he　stopped。　I　entreated　him　to　go　on。　No！
He　declined　to　go　on　until　I　had　finished　what　I　had　to　say　to　him　first。
I　had　my　confession　still　to　make　to　himand　I　made　it。〃

〃You　concealed　nothing？〃

〃Nothing。　I　laid　my　weakness　bare　before　him。　I　told　him　that　Lucilla　was
still　firmly　convinced　that　Nugent's　was　the　discolored　face；　instead　of
mine。