poor miss finch-第38节

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see　that　the　delicate　and　perilous　work　of　undeceiving　her；　was　not　work
to　be　done　at　a　moment's　notice；　on　the　spot。

〃You　are　not　yourself　to…day；〃　I　said　to　her。　〃Let　us　go　home。〃

〃No！〃　she　answered。　〃I　must　accustom　myself　to　speak　to　him。　I　will　begin
to…day。　Take　me　to　himbut　don't　let　him　touch　me！〃

Nugent　disengaged　himself　from　Oscarwhose　unfitness　to　help　us　through
our　difficulties　was　too　manifest　to　be　mistakenas　he　saw　us
approaching。　He　pointed　to　the　low　wall　in　front　of　the　house；　and
motioned　to　his　brother　to　wait　there　out　of　the　way　before　Lucilla　could
speak　to　him　again。　The　wisdom　of　this　proceeding　was　not　long　in
asserting　itself。　Lucilla　asked　for　Oscar　the　moment　after　he　had　left
us。　Nugent　answered　that　Oscar　had　gone　back　to　the　house　to　get　his　hat。

The　sound　of　Nugent's　voice　helped　her　to　calculate　her　distance　from　him
without　assistance　from　me。　Still　holding　my　arm；　she　stopped　and　spoke
to　him。

〃Nugent；〃　she　said；　〃I　have　made　Oscar　tell　mewhat　he　ought　to　have
told　me　long　since。〃　（She　paused　between　each　sentence；　painfully
controlling　herself；　painfully　catching　her　breath。）　〃He　has　discovered　a
foolish　antipathy　of　mine。　I　don't　know　how；　I　tried　to　keep　it　a　secret
from　him。　I　need　not　tell　you　what　it　is。〃

She　made　a　longer　pause　at　those　words；　holding　me　closer　and　closer　to
her；　struggling　more　and　more　painfully　against　the　irresistible　nervous
loathing　that　had　got　possession　of　her。

He　listened；　on　his　side；　with　the　constraint　which　always　fell　upon　him
in　her　presence　more　marked　than　ever。　His　eyes　were　on　the　ground。　He
seemed　reluctant　even　to　look　at　her。

〃I　think　I　understand；〃　she　went　on；　〃why　Oscar　was　unwilling　to　tell
me〃　she　stopped；　at　a　loss　how　to　express　herself　without　running　the
risk　of　hurting　his　feelings〃to　tell　me；〃　she　resumed；　〃what　it　is　in
you　which　is　not　like　other　people。　He　was　afraid　my　stupid　weakness
might　prejudice　me　against　you。　I　wish　to　say　that　I　won't　let　it　do
that。　I　never　was　more　ashamed　of　it　than　now。　I；　too；　have　my
misfortune。　I　ought　to　sympathize　with　you；　instead　of〃

Her　voice　had　been　growing　fainter　and　fainter　as　she　proceeded。　She
leaned　against　me　heavily。　One　glance　at　her　told　me　that　if　I　let　it　go
on　any　longer　she　would　fall　into　a　swoon。　〃Tell　your　brother　that　we
have　gone　back　to　the　rectory；〃　I　said　to　Nugent。　He　looked　up　at　Lucilla
for　the　first　time。

〃You　are　right；〃　he　answered。　〃Take　her　home。〃　He　repeated　the　sign　by
which　he　had　already　hinted　to　me　to　be　silentand　joined　Oscar　at　the
wall　in　front　of　the　house。

〃Has　he　gone？〃　she　asked。

〃He　has　gone。〃

The　moisture　stood　thick　on　her　forehead。　I　passed　my　handkerchief　over
her　face；　and　turned　her　towards　the　wind。

〃Are　you　better　now？〃

〃Yes。〃

〃Can　you　walk　home？〃

〃Easily。〃

I　put　her　arm　in　mine。　After　advancing　with　me　a　few　steps；　she　suddenly
stoppedwith　a　blind　apprehension；　as　it　seemed；　of　something　in　front
of　her。　She　lifted　her　little　walking…cane；　and　moved　it　slowly　backwards
and　forwards　in　the　empty　air；　with　the　action　of　some　one　who　is
clearing　away　an　encumbrance　to　a　free　advancesay　the　action　of　a
person　walking　in　a　thick　wood；　and　pushing　aside　the　lower　twigs　and
branches　that　intercept　the　way。

〃What　are　you　about？〃　I　asked。

〃Clearing　the　air；〃　she　answered。　〃The　air　is　full　of　him。　I　am　in　a
forest　of　hovering　figures；　with　faces　of　black…blue。　Give　me　your　arm。
Come　through！〃

〃Lucilla！〃

〃Don't　be　angry　with　me。　I　am　coming　to　my　senses　again。　Nobody　knows
what　folly；　what　madness　it　is；　better　than　I　do。　I　have　a　will　of　my
own：　suffer　as　I　may；　I　promise　to　break　myself　of　it　this　time。　I　can't；
and　won't　let　Oscar's　brother　see　that　he　is　an　object　of　horror　to　me。〃
She　stopped　once　more；　and　gave　me　a　little　propitiatory　kiss。　〃Blame　my
blindness；　dear；　don't　blame　_me。_　If　I　could　only　see！　Ah；　how　can　I
make　you　understand　me；　you　who　don't　live　in　the　dark？〃　She　went　on　a
few　paces；　silent　and　thoughtfuland　then　spoke　again。　〃You　won't　laugh
at　me；　if　I　say　something？〃

〃You　know　I　won't。〃

〃Suppose　yourself　to　be　in　bed　at　night。〃

〃Yes？〃

〃I　have　heard　people　say　that　they　have　sometimes　woke　in　the　middle　of
the　night；　on　a　sudden；　without　any　noise　to　disturb　them。　And　they　have
fancied　（without　anything　particular　to　justify　it）　that　there　was
something；　or　somebody；　in　the　dark　room。　Has　that　ever　happened　to　you？〃

〃Certainly；　my　love。It　has　happened　to　most　people　to　fancy　what　you
say；　when　their　nerves　are　a　little　out　of　order。〃

〃Very　well。　There　is　_my_　fancy；　and　there　are　_my_　nerves。　When　it
happened　to　you；　what　did　you　do？〃

〃I　struck　a　light；　and　satisfied　myself　that　I　was　wrong。〃

〃Suppose　yourself　without　candle　or　matches；　in　a　night　without　end；　left
alone　with　your　fancy　in　the　dark。　There　you　have　Me！　It　would　not　be
easy；　would　it；　to　satisfy　yourself；　if　you　were　in　that　helpless
condition？　You　might　suffer　under　itvery　unreasonablyand　yet　very
keenly　for　all　that。〃　She　lifted　her　little　cane；　with　a　sad　smile。　〃You
might　be　almost　as　great　a　fool　as　poor　Lucilla；　and　clear　the　air　before
you　with　this！〃

The　charm　of　her　voice　and　her　manner；　added　to　the　touching　simplicity；
the　pathetic　truth　of　those　words。　She　made　me　realize；　as　I　had　never
realized　before；　what　it　is　to　have；　at　one　and　the　same　time；　the
blessing　of　imagination；　and　the　curse　of　blindness。　For　a　moment；　I　was
absorbed　in　my　admiration　and　my　love　for　her。　For　a　moment；　I　forgot　the
terrible　position　in　which　we　were　all　placed。　She　unconsciously　recalled
it　to　me　when　she　spoke　next。

〃Perhaps　I　was　wrong　to　force　the　truth　out　of　Oscar？〃　she　said；　putting
her　arm　again　in　mine；　and　walking　on。　〃I　might　have　reconciled　myself　to
his　brother；　if　I　had　never　known　what　his　brother　was　like。　And　yet　I
felt　there　was　something　strange　in　him；　without　being　told；　and　without
knowing　what　it　was。　There　must　have　been　a　reason　in　me　for　the　dislike
that　I　felt　for　him　from　the　first。〃

Those　words　appeared　to　me　to　indicate　the　state　of　mind　which　had　led　to
Lucilla's　deplorable　mistake。　I　cautiously　put　some　questions　to　her　to
test　the　correctness　of　my　own　idea。

〃You　spoke　just　now　of　forcing　the　truth　out　of　Oscar；〃　I　said；　〃What
made　you　suspect　that　he　was　concealing　the　truth　from　you？〃

〃He　was　so　strangely　embarrassed　and　confused；〃　she　answered。　〃Anybody　in
my　place　would　have　suspected　him　of　concealing　the　truth。〃

So　far　the　answer　was　conclusive。

〃And　how　came　you　to　find　out　what　the　truth　really　was？〃　I　asked　next。

〃I　guessed　at　it；〃　she　replied；　〃from　something　he　said　in　referring　to
his　brother。　You　know　that　I　took　a　fanciful　dislike　to　Nugent　Dubourg
before　he　came　to　Dimchurch？〃

〃Yes。〃

〃And　you　remember　that　my　prejudice　against　him　was　confirmed；　on　the
first　day　when　I　passed　my　hand　over　his　face　to　compare　it　with　his
brother's。〃

〃I　remember。〃

〃Wellwhile　Oscar　was　rambling　and　contradicting　himselfhe　said
something　（a　mere　trifle）　which　suggested　to　me　that　the　person　with　the
blue　face　must　be　his　brother。　There　was　the　explanation　that　I　had
sought　for　in　vainthe　explanation　of　my　persistent　dislike　to　Nugent！
That　horrid　dark　face　of　his　must　have　produced　some　influence　on　me　when
I　first　touched　it；　like　the　influence　which　your　horrid　purple　dress
produced　on　me；　when　I　first　touched　_that。_　Don't　you　see？〃

I　saw　but　too　plainly。　Oscar　had　been　indebted　for　his　escape　from
discovery　entirely　to　Lucilla's　misinterpretation　of　his　language。　And
Lucilla's　misinterpretation　now　stood　revealed　as　the　natural　product　of
her　anxiety　to　account　for　her　prejudice　against　Nugent　Dubourg。　Although
the　mischief　had　been　donestill；　for　the　quieting　of　my　own　conscience；
I　made　an　attempt　to　shake　her　faith　in　the　false　conclusion　at　which　she
had　arrived。

〃There　is　one　thing　I　don't　see　yet；〃　I　said。　〃I　don't　understand　Oscar's
embarrassment　in　speaking　to　you。　As　you　interpret　him；　what　had　he　to　be
afraid　of？〃

She　smiled　satirically。

〃What　has　become　of　your　memory；　my　dear？〃　she　asked。　〃What　were　you
afraid　of？　You　certainly　never　said　a　word　to　me　of　this　poor　man's
deformity。　You　felt　yourself；　I　suppose；　（just　as　Oscar　felt　himself）；
placed　between　a　choice　of　difficulties。　On　one　side；　my　dislike　of　dark
colors　and　dark　people　warned　Oscar　to　hold　his　tongue。　On　the　other；　my
hatred　of　having　advantage　taken　of　my　blindness　to　keep　things　secret
from　me；　pressed　him　to　speak　out。　Isn't　that　enoughwith　his　shy
disposition；　poor　fellowto　account　for　his　being　embarrassed？　Besides；〃
she　added；　speaking　more　seriously；　〃perhaps　he　saw　in　my　manner　towards
him　that　he　had　disappointed　and　pained　me。〃

〃How？〃　I　asked。

〃Don't　you　remember　his　once　acknowledging　in　the　garden　that　he　had
painted　his　face　in　the　character　of　Bluebeard；　to　amuse　the　children？　It
was　not　delicate；　it　was　not　affectionateit　was　not　like　himto　show
such　insensibility　as　that　to　his　brother's　shocking　disfigurement。　He
ought　to　have　remembered　it；　he　ought　to　have　respected　it。　There！　we
will　say　no　more。　We　will　go