poor miss finch-第27节

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of　the　unpleasant　result　that　might　follow。　On　reflection；　however；　I
thought　it　wiser　to　wait　a　little　and　sound　his　motives　first。

〃Before　you　tell　me　how　I　can　help　you；〃　I　said；　〃I　want　to　know　one
thing　more。　Have　you　decided　in　this　serious　matter　entirely　by　yourself？
Have　you　taken　no　advice？〃

〃I　don't　want　advice；〃　he　answered　sharply。　〃My　case　admits　of　no　choice。
Even　such　a　nervous　undecided　creature　as　I　am；　can　judge　for　himself
where　there　is　no　alternative。〃

〃Did　the　doctors　tell　you　there　was　no　alternative？〃　I　asked。

〃The　doctors　were　afraid　to　tell　me。　I　had　to　force　it　out　of　them。　I
said；　'I　appeal　to　your　honor　to　answer　a　plain　question　plainly。　Is
there　any　certain　prospect　of　my　getting　the　better　of　the　fits？'　They
only　said；　'At　your　time　of　life；　we　may　reasonably　hope　so。'　I　pressed
them　closer：'Can　you　fix　a　date　to　which　I　may　look　forward　as　the　date
of　my　deliverance？'　They　could　neither　of　them　do　it。　All　they　could　say
was；　'Our　experience　justifies　us　in　believing　that　you　will　grow　out　of
it；　but　it　does　_not_　justify　us　in　saying　when。'　'Then；　I　may　be　years
growing　out　of　it？'　They　were　obliged　to　own　that　it　might　be　so。　'Or　I
may　never　grow　out　of　it；　at　all？'　They　tried　to　turn　the　conversation。　I
wouldn't　have　it。　I　said；　'Tell　me　honestly；　is　that　one　of　the
possibilities；　in　my　case？'　The　Dimchurch　doctor　looked　at　the　London
doctor。　The　London　man　said；　'If　you　will　have　it；　it　is　one　of　the
possibilities。'　Just　consider　the　prospect　which　his　answer　placed　before
me！　Day　after　day；　week　after　week；　month　after　month；　always　in　danger；
go　where　I　may；　of　falling　down　in　a　fitis　that　a　miserable　position？
or　is　it　not？〃

How　could　I　answer　him？　What　could　I　say？

He　went　on：

〃Add　to　that　wretched　state　of　things　that　I　am　engaged　to　be　married。
The　hardest　disappointment　which　can　fall　on　a　man；　falls　on　me。　The
happiness　of　my　life　is　within　my　reachand　I　am　forbidden　to　enjoy　it。
It　is　not　only　my　health　that　is　broken　up；　my　prospects　in　life　are
ruined　as　well。　The　woman　I　love　is　a　woman　forbidden　to　me　while　I
suffer　as　I　suffer　now。　Realize　thatand　then　fancy　you　see　a　man
sitting　at　this　table　here；　with　pen；　ink；　and　paper　before　him；　who　has
only　to　scribble　a　line　or　two；　and　to　begin　the　cure　of　you　from　that
moment。　Deliverance　in　a　few　months　from　the　horror　of　the　fits；　marriage
in　a　few　months　to　the　woman　you　love。　That　heavenly　prospect　in　exchange
for　the　hellish　existence　that　you　are　enduring　now。　And　the　one　price　to
pay　for　it；　a　discolored　face　for　the　rest　of　your　lifewhich　the　one
person　who　is　dearest　to　you　will　never　see？　Would　you　have　hesitated？
When　the　doctor　took　up　the　pen　to　write　the　prescriptiontell　me；　if
you　had　been　in　my　place；　would　you　have　said；　No？〃

I　still　sat　silent。　My　obstinacywomen　are　such　mules！declined　to　give
way；　even　when　my　conscience　told　me　that　he　was　right。

He　sprang　to　his　feet；　in　the　same　fever　of　excitement　which　I　remembered
so　well；　when　I　had　irritated　him　at　Browndown　into　telling　me　who　he
really　was。

〃Would　you　have　said；　No？〃　he　reiterated；　stooping　over　me；　flushed　and
heated；　as　he　had　stooped　on　that　first　occasion；　when　he　had　whispered
his　name　in　my　ear。　〃Would　you？〃　he　repeated；　louder　and　louder〃would
you？〃

At　the　third　reiteration　of　the　words；　the　frightful　contortion　that　I
knew　so　well；　seized　on　his　face。　The　wrench　to　the　right　twisted　his
body。　He　dropped　at　my　feet。　Good　God！　who　could　have　declared　that　he
was　wrong；　with　such　an　argument　in　his　favor　as　I　saw　at　that　moment？
Who　would　not　have　said　that　any　disfigurement　would　be　welcome　as　a
refuge　from　this？

The　servant　ran　in；　and　helped　me　to　move　the　furniture　to　a　safe
distance　from　him；　〃There　won't　be　much　more　of　it；　ma'am；〃　said　the　man；
noticing　my　agitation；　and　trying　to　compose　me。　〃In　a　month　or　two；　the
doctor　says　the　medicine　will　get　hold　of　him。〃　I　could　say　nothing　on　my
sideI　could　only　reproach　myself　bitterly　for　disputing　with　him　and
exciting　him；　and　leading　perhaps　to　the　hideous　seizure　which　had
attacked　him　in　my　presence　for　the　second　time。

The　fit　on　this　occasion　was　a　short　one。　Perhaps　the　drug　was　already
beginning　to　have　some　influence　over　him？　In　twenty　minutes；　he　was　able
to　resume　his　chair；　and　to　go　on　talking　to　me。

〃You　think　I　shall　horrify　you　when　my　face　has　turned　blue；〃　he　said
with　a　faint　smile。　〃Don't　I　horrify　you　now　when　you　see　me　in
convulsions　on　the　floor？〃

I　entreated　him　to　dwell　on　it　no　more。

〃God　knows；〃　I　said；　〃you　have　convinced　meobstinate　as　I　am。　Let　us
try　to　think　of　nothing　now　but　of　the　prospect　of　your　being　cured。　What
do　you　wish　me　to　do？〃

〃You　have　great　influence　over　Lucilla；〃　he　said。　〃If　she　expresses　any
curiosity；　in　future　conversations　with　you；　about　the　effect　of　the
medicine；　check　her　at　once。　Keep　her　as　ignorant　of　it　as　she　is　now！〃

〃Why？〃

〃Why！　If　she　knows　what　you　know；　how　will　she　feel？　Shocked　and
horrified；　as　you　felt。　What　will　she　do？　She　will　come　straight　here；
and　try；　as　you　have　tried；　to　persuade　me　to　give　it　up。　Is　that　true　or
not？〃

（Impossible　to　deny　that　it　was　true。）

〃I　am　so　fond　of　her；〃　he　went　on；　〃that　I　can　refuse　her　nothing。　She
would　end　in　making　me　give　it　up。　The　instant　her　back　was　turned；　I
should　repent　my　own　weakness；　and　return　to　the　medicine。　Here　is　a
perpetual　struggle　in　prospect；　for　a　man　who　is　already　worn　out。　Is　it
desirable；　after　what　you　have　just　seen；　to　expose　me　to　that？〃

It　would　have　been　useless　cruelty　to　expose　him　to　it。　How　could　I　do
otherwise　than　consent　to　make　his　sacrifice　of　himselfhis　_necessary_
sacrificeas　easy　as　I　could？　At　the　same　time；　I　implored　him　to
remember　one　thing。

〃Mind；〃　I　said；　〃we　can　never　hope　to　keep　her　in　ignorance　of　the　change
in　you；　when　the　change　comes。　Sooner　or　later；　some　one　will　let　the
secret　out。〃

〃I　only　want　it　to　be　concealed　from　her　while　the　disfigurement　of　me　is
in　progress；〃　he　answered。　〃When　nothing　she　can　say　or　do　will　alter
itI　will　tell　her　myself。　She　is　so　happy　in　the　hope　of　my　recovery！
What　good　can　be　gained　by　telling　her　beforehand　of　the　penalty　that　I
pay　for　my　deliverance？　My　ugly　color　will　never　terrify　my　poor　darling。
As　for　other　persons；　I　shall　not　force　myself　on　the　view　of　the　world。
It　is　my　one　wish　to　live　out　of　the　world。　The　few　people　about　me　will
soon　get　reconciled　to　my　face。　Lucilla　will　set　them　the　example。　She
won't　trouble　herself　long　about　a　change　in　me　that　she　can　neither　feel
nor　see。

Ought　I　to　have　warned　him　here　of　Lucilla's　inveterate　prejudice；　and　of
the　difficulty　there　might　be　in　reconciling　her　to　the　change　in　him
when　she　heard　of　it？　I　dare　say　I　ought；　I　daresay　I　was　to　blame　in
shrinking　from　inflicting　new　anxieties　and　new　distresses　on　a　man　who
had　already　suffered　so　much。　The　simple　truth　isI　could　not　do　it。
Would　you　have　done　it？　Ah；　if　you　would；　I　hope　I　may　never　come　in
contact　with　you。　What　a　horrid　wretch　you　must　be！　The　end　of　it　was
that　I　left　the　housepledged　to　keep　Lucilla　in　ignorance　of　the　cost
at　which　Oscar　had　determined　to　purchase　his　cure；　until　Oscar　thought
fit　to　enlighten　her　himself。

CHAPTER　THE　TWENTIETH

Good　Papa　again！

THE　promise　I　had　given　did　not　expose　me　to　the　annoyance　of　being　kept
long　on　the　watch　against　accidents。　If　we　could　pass　safely　over　the
next　five　days；　we　might　feel　pretty　sure　of　the　future。　On　the　last　day
of　the　old　year；　Lucilla　was　bound　by　the　terms　of　the　will　to　go　to
London；　and　live　her　allotted　three　months　under　the　roof　of　her　aunt。

In　the　brief　interval　that　elapsed　before　her　departure；　she　twice
approached　the　dangerous　subject。

On　the　first　occasion；　she　asked　me　if　I　knew　what　medicine　Oscar　was
taking。　I　pleaded　ignorance；　and　passed　at　once　to　other　matters。　On　the
second　occasion；　she　advanced　still　further　on　the　way　to　discovery　of
the　truth。　She　now　inquired　if　I　had　heard　how　the　physic　worked　the
cure。　Having　been　already　informed　that　the　fits　proceeded　from　a　certain
disordered　condition　of　the　brain；　she　was　anxious　to　know　whether　the
medical　treatment　was　likely　to　affect　the　patient's　head。　This　question
（which　I　was　of　course　unable　to　answer）　she　put　to　both　the　doctors。
Already　warned　by　Oscar；　they　quieted　her　by　declaring　that　the　process
of　cure　acted　by　general　means；　and　did　not　attack　the　head。　From　that
moment；　her　curiosity　was　satisfied。　Her　mind　had　other　objects　of
interest　to　dwell　on；　before　she　left　Dimchurch。　She　touched　on　the
perilous　topic　no　more。

It　was　arranged　that　I　was　to　accompany　Lucilla　to　London。　Oscar　was　to
follow　us；　when　the　state　of　his　health　permitted　him　to　take　the
journey。　As　betrothed　husband　of　Lucilla；　he　had　his　right　of　entry；
during　her　residence　in　her　aunt's　house。　As　for　me；　I　was　admitted　at
Lucilla's　intercession。　She　declined　to　be　separated　from　me　for　three
months。

Miss　Batchford　wrote；　most　politely；　to　offer　me　a　hospitable　welcome
during　the　day。　She　had　no　second　spare…room　at　her　disposalso　we
settled　that　I　was　t