poor miss finch-第15节

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her　was　to　protest　against　the　glaring　impropriety　of　her　paying　a　second
visit；　in　one　day；　to　a　man　who　was　a　stranger　to　her。　I　declared；　in　the
plainest　terms；　that　such　a　proceeding　would　be　sufficient；　in　the
estimation　of　any　civilized　community；　to　put　her　reputation　in　peril。
The　result　of　my　interference　was　curious　and　interesting　in　the　extreme。
It　showed　me　that　the　virtue　called　Modesty　（I　am　not　speaking　of
Decency；　mind）　is　a　virtue　of　purely　artificial　growth；　and　that　the
successful　cultivation　of　it　depends　in　the　first　instance；　not　on　the
influence　of　the　tongue；　but　on　the　influence　of　the　eye。

Suppose　the　case　of　an　average　young　lady　（conscious　of　feeling　a　first
love）　to　whom　I　might　have　spoken　in　the　sense　that　I　have　just
mentionedwhat　would　she　have　done？

She　would　assuredly　have　shown　some　natural　and　pretty　confusion；　and
would；　in　all　human　probability；　have　changed　color　more　or　less　while
she　was　listening　to　me。　Lucilla's　charming　face　revealed　but　one
expressionan　expression　of　disappointment；　slightly　mixed　perhaps　with
surprise。　I　believed　her　to　be　then；　what　I　knew　her　to　be　afterwards；　as
pure　a　creature　as　ever　walked　the　earth。　And　yet；　of　the　natural　and
becoming　confusion；　of　the　little　inevitable　feminine　changes　of　color
which　I　had　expected　to　see；　not　so　much　as　a　vestige　appearedand　this；
remember；　in　the　case　of　a　person　of　unusually　sensitive　and　impulsive
nature：　quick；　on　the　most　trifling　occasions；　to　feel　and　to　express　its
feeling　in　no　ordinary　degree。

What　did　it　mean？

It　meant　that　here　was　one　strange　side　shown　to　me　of　the　terrible
affliction　that　darkened　her　life。　It　meant　that　modesty　is　essentially
the　growth　of　our　own　consciousness　of　the　eyes　of　others　judging　usand
that　blindness　is　never　bashful；　for　the　one　simple　reason　that　blindness
cannot　see。　The　most　modest　girl　in　existence　is　bolder　with　her　lover　in
the　dark　than　in　the　light。　The　female　model　who　〃sits〃　for　the　first
time　in　a　drawing　academy；　and　who　shrinks　from　the　ordeal；　is　persuaded；
in　the　last　resort；　to　enter　the　students'　room　by　having　a　bandage　bound
over　her　eyes。　My　poor　Lucilla　had　always　the　bandage　over　her　eyes。　My
poor　Lucilla　was　never　to　meet　her　lover　in　the　light。　She　had　grown　up
with　the　passions　of　a　womanand　yet；　she　had　never　advanced　beyond　the
fearless　and　primitive　innocence　of　a　child。　Ah；　if　ever　there　was　a
sacred　charge　confided　to　any　mortal　creature；　here　surely　was　a　sacred
charge　confided　to　Me！　I　could　not　endure　to　see　the　poor　pretty　blind
face　turned　so　insensibly　towards　mine；　after　such　words　as　I　had　just
said　to　her。　She　was　standing　within　my　reach。　I　took　her　by　the　arm；　and
made　her　sit　on　my　knee。　〃My　dear！〃　I　said；　very　earnestly；　〃you　must　not
go　to　him　again　to…day。〃

〃I　have　got　so　much　to　say　to　him；〃　she　answered　impatiently；　〃I　want　to
tell　him　how　deeply　I　feel　for　him；　and　how　anxious　I　am　to　make　his　life
a　happier　one　if　I　can。〃

〃My　dear　Lucilla！　you　can't　say　this　to　a　young　man。　It　is　as　good　as
telling　him；　in　plain　words；　that　you　are　fond　of　him！〃

〃I　_am_　fond　of　him。〃

〃Hush！　hush！　Keep　it　to　yourself；　until　you　are　sure　that　_he_　is　fond　of
_you。_　It　is　the　man's　place；　my　lovenot　the　woman'sto　own　the　truth
first　in　matters　of　this　sort。〃

〃That　is　very　hard　on　the　women。　If　they　feel　it　first；　they　ought　to　own
it　first。〃　She　paused　for　a　moment；　considering　with　herselfand
abruptly　got　off　my　knee。　〃I　_must_　speak　to　him！〃　she　burst　out。　〃I
_must_　tell　him　that　I　have　heard　his　story；　and　that　I　think　all　the
better　of　him　after　it；　instead　of　the　worse！〃

She　was　again　on　her　way　to　get　her　hat。　My　only　chance　of　stopping　her
was　to　invent　a　compromise。

〃Write　him　a　note；〃　I　saidand　then　suddenly　remembered　that　she　was
blind。　〃You　shall　dictate；〃　I　added；　〃and　I　will　hold　the　pen。　Be　content
with　that　for　to…day。　For　my　sake；　Lucilla！〃

She　yieldednot　very　willingly；　poor　thing。　But　she　jealously　declined
to　let　me　hold　the　pen。

〃My　first　note　to　him　must　be　all　written　by　me；〃　she　said。　〃I　can
writein　my　own　roundabout　way。　It's　long　and　tiresome；　but　still　I　can
do　it。　Come　and　see。〃

She　led　the　way　to　a　writing…table　in　a　corner　of　the　room；　and　sat　for
awhile　with　the　pen　in　her　hand；　thinking。　Her　irresistible　smile　broke
suddenly　like　a　glow　of　light　over　her　〃Ah！〃　she　exclaimed；　〃I　know　how
to　tell　him　what　I　think。〃

Guiding　the　pen　in　her　right　hand　with　the　fingers　of　her　left　she　wrote
slowly；　in　large　childish　characters；　these　words：DEAR　MR。　OSCAR；I
have　heard　all　about　you。　Please　send　the　little　gold　vase。Your　friend；
LUCILLA。〃

She　enclosed　and　directed　the　letter；　and　clapped　her　hands　for　joy。　〃He
will　know　what　_that_　means！〃　she　said　gaily。

It　was　useless　to　attempt　making　a　second　remonstrance。　I　rang　the　bell；
under　protest　（imagine　her　receiving　a　present　from　a　gentleman　to　whom
she　had　spoken　for　the　first　time　that　morning！）and　the　groom　was　sent
off　to　Browndown　with　the　letter。　In　making　this　concession；　I　privately
said　to　myself；　〃I　shall　keep　a　tight　hand　over　Oscar；　he　is　the
manageable　person　of　the　two！〃

The　interval　before　the　return　of　the　groom　was　not　an　easy　interval　to
fill　up。　I　proposed　some　music。　Lucilla　was　still　too　full　of　her　new
interest　to　be　able　to　give　her　attention　to　anything　else。　She　suddenly
remembered　that　her　father　and　her　step…mother　ought　both　to　be　informed
that　Mr。　Dubourg　was　a　perfectly　presentable　person　at　the　rectory：　she
decided　on　writing　to　her　father。

On　this　occasion；　she　made　no　difficulty　about　permitting　me　to　hold　the
pen；　while　she　told　me　what　to　write。　We　produced　between　us　rather　a
flighty；　enthusiastic；　high…flown　sort　of　letter。　I　felt　by　no　means　sure
that　we　should　raise　a　favorable　impression　of　our　new　neighbor　in　the
mind　of　Reverend　Finch。　That　was；　however；　not　my　affair。　I　appeared　to
excellent　advantage　in　the　matter；　as　the　judicious　foreign　lady　who　had
insisted　on　making　inquiries。　For　the　rest；　it　was　a　point　of　honor　with
mewriting　for　a　person　who　was　blindnot　to　change　a　single　word　in
the　sentences　which　Lucilla　dictated　to　me。　The　letter　completed；　I　wrote
the　address　of　the　house　in　Brighton　at　which　Mr。　Finch　then　happened　to
be　staying；　and　I　was　next　about　to　close　the　envelope　in　due
coursewhen　Lucilla　stopped　me。

〃Wait　a　little；〃　she　said。　〃Don't　close　the　letter　yet。〃

I　wondered　why　the　envelope　was　to　be　left　open；　and　why　Lucilla　looked　a
little　confused　when　she　forbade　me　to　close　it。　Another　unexpected
revelation　of　the　influence　of　their　affliction　on　the　natures　of　the
blind；　was　waiting　to　enlighten　me　on　those　two　points。

After　consultation　between　us；　it　had　been　decided；　at　Lucilla's　express
request；　that　I　should　inform　Mrs。　Finch　that　the　mystery　at　Browndown
was　now　cleared　up。　Lucilla　openly　owned　to　having　no　great　relish　for
the　society　of　her　step…mother；　or　for　the　duty　invariably　devolving　on
anybody　who　was　long　in　the　company　of　that　fertile　lady；　of　either
finding　her　handkerchief　or　holding　her　baby。　A　duplicate　key　of　the　door
of　communication　between　the　two　sides　of　the　house　was　given　to　me；　and
I　left　the　room。

Before　performing　my　errand；　I　went　for　a　minute　into　my　bedchamber　to
put　away　my　hat　and　parasol。　Returning　into　the　corridor；　and　passing　the
door　of　the　sitting…room；　I　found　that　it　had　been　left　ajar　by　some　one
who　had　entered　after　I　had　left；　and　I　heard　Lucilla's　voice　say；　〃Take
that　letter　out　of　the　envelope；　and　read　it　to　me。〃

I　pursued　my　way　along　the　passagevery　slowly；　I　ownand　I　heard　the
first　sentences　of　the　letter　which　I　had　written　under　Lucilla's
dictation；　read　aloud　to　her　in　the　old　nurse's　voice。　The　incurable
suspicion　of　the　blindalways　abandoned　to　the　same　melancholy　distrust
of　the　persons　about　them；　always　doubting　whether　some　deceit　is　not
being　practiced　on　them　by　the　happy　people　who　can　seehad　urged
Lucilla；　even　in　the　trifling　matter　of　the　letter；　to　put　me　to　the
test；　behind　my　back。　She　was　using　Zillah's　eyes　to　make　sure　that　I　had
really　written　all　that　she　had　dictated　to　meexactly　as；　on　many　an
after　occasion；　she　used　my　eyes　to　make　sure　of　Zillah's　complete
performance　of　tasks　allotted　to　her　in　the　house。　No　experience　of　the
faithful　devotion　of　those　who　live　with　them　ever　thoroughly　satisfies
the　blind。　Ah；　poor　things；　always　in　the　dark！　always　in　the　dark！

In　opening　the　door　of　communication；　it　appeared　as　if　I　had　also　opened
all　the　doors　of　all　the　bedchambers　in　the　rectory。　The　moment　I　stepped
into　the　passage；　out　popped　the　children　from　one　room　after　another；
like　rabbits　out　of　their　burrows。

〃Where　is　your　mamma？〃　I　asked。

The　rabbits　answered　by　one　universal　shriek；　and　popped　back　again　into
their　burrows。

I　went　down　the　stairs　to　try　my　luck　on　the　ground　floor。　The　window　on
the　landing　had　a　view　over　the　front　garden。　I　looked　out；　and　saw　the
irrepressible　Arab　of　the　family；　our　small　chubby　Jicks；　wandering　in
the　garden；　all　by　herself；　evidently　on　the　watch　for　her　next
opportunity　of　escaping　from　the　hous