the professor at the breakfast table-第2节

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of　temper　by　those　who　disagree　with　them；　and　by…and…by　they　may　be

found　too　timid　and　conservative　for　intelligent　readers；　if　they　are

still　read　by　any。



BEVERLY　FARM；　MASS。；　June　18；　1891。



O。　　W。　　H。













　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　THE　PROFESSOR



　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　AT　THE

　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　BREAKFAST…TABLE。





　　　　　　　　　　What　he　said；　what　he　heard；　and　what　he　saw。









I



I　intended　to　have　signalized　my　first　appearance　by　a　certain　large

statement；　which　I　flatter　myself　is　the　nearest　approach　to　a

universal　formula；　of　life　yet　promulgated　at　this　breakfast…table。

It　would　have　had　a　grand　effect。　　For　this　purpose　I　fixed　my　eyes

on　a　certain　divinity…student；　with　the　intention　of　exchanging　a　few

phrases；　and　then　forcing　my　court…card；　namely；　The　great　end　of

being。　I　will　thank　you　for　the　sugar；I　said。　Man　is　a

dependent　creature。



It　is　a　small　favor　to　ask；said　the　divinity…student；and　passed

the　sugar　to　me。



Life　is　a　great　bundle　of　little　things；I　said。



The　divinity…student　smiled；　as　if　that　were　the　concluding　epigram

of　the　sugar　question。



You　smile；I　said。　Perhaps　life　seems　to　you　a　little　bundle　of

great　things？



The　divinity…student　started　a　laugh；　but　suddenly　reined　it　back

with　a　pull；　as　one　throws　a　horse　on　his　haunches。　Life　is　a　great

bundle　of　great　things；he　said。



（NOW；　THEN！）　　The　great　end　of　being；　after　all；　is。。。。



Hold　on！　said　my　neighbor；　a　young　fellow　whose　name　seems　to　be

John；　and　nothing　else；for　that　is　what　they　all　call　him；hold

on！　the　Sculpin　is　go'n'　to　say　somethin'。



Now　the　Sculpin　（Cottus　Virginianus）　is　a　little　water…beast　which

pretends　to　consider　itself　a　fish；　and；　under　that　pretext；　hangs

about　the　piles　upon　which　West…Boston　Bridge　is　built；　swallowing

the　bait　and　hook　intended　for　flounders。　　On　being　drawn　from　the

water；　it　exposes　an　immense　head；　a　diminutive　bony　carcass；　and　a

surface　so　full　of　spines；　ridges；　ruffles；　and　frills；　that　the

naturalists　have　not　been　able　to　count　them　without　quarrelling

about　the　number；　and　that　the　colored　youth；　whose　sport　they　spoil；

do　not　like　to　touch　them；　and　especially　to　tread　on　them；　unless

they　happen　to　have　shoes　on；　to　cover　the　thick　white　soles　of　their

broad　black　feet。



When；　therefore；　I　heard　the　young　fellow's　exclamation；　I　looked

round　the　table　with　curiosity　to　see　what　it　meant。　　At　the　further

end　of　it　I　saw　a　head；　and　aa　small　portion　of　a　little　deformed

body；　mounted　on　a　high　chair；　which　brought　the　occupant　up　to　a

fair　level　enough　for　him　to　get　at　his　food。　　His　whole　appearance

was　so　grotesque；　I　felt　for　a　minute　as　if　there　was　a　showman

behind　him　who　would　pull　him　down　presently　and　put　up　Judy；　or　the

hangman；　or　the　Devil；　or　some　other　wooden　personage　of　the　famous

spectacle。　　I　contrived　to　lose　the　first　of　his　sentence；　but　what　I

heard　began　so：



by　the　Frog…Pond；　when　there　were　frogs　in　and　the　folks　used　to

come　down　from　the　tents　on　section　and　Independence　days　with　their

pails　to　get　water　to　make　egg…pop　with。　　Born　in　Boston；　went　to

school　in　Boston　as　long　as　the　boys　would　let　me。　The　little　man

groaned；　turned；　as　if　to　look　around；　and　went　on。　Ran　away　from

school　one　day　to　see　Phillips　hung　for　killing　Denegri　with　a

logger…head。　　That　was　in　flip　days；　when　there　were　always　two　three

loggerheads　in　the　fire。　　I'm　a　Boston　boy；　I　tell　you；born　at

North　End；　and　mean　to　be　buried　on　Copp's　Hill；　with　the　good　old

underground　people；the　Worthylakes；　and　the　rest　of　'em。　　Yes；up

on　the　old　hill；　where　they　buried　Captain　Daniel　Malcolm　in　a　stone

grave；　ten　feet　deep；　to　keep　him　safe　from　the　red…coats；　in　those

old　times　when　the　world　was　frozen　up　tight　and　there　was　n't　but

one　spot　open；　and　that　was　right　over　Faneuil　all；and　black　enough

it　looked；　I　tell　you！　　There　's　where　my　bones　shall　lie；　Sir；　and

rattle　away　when　the　big　guns　go　off　at　the　Navy　Yard　opposite！　　You

can't　make　me　ashamed　of　the　old　place！　　Full　crooked　little

streets；I　was　born　and　used　to　run　round　in　one　of　'em



I　should　think　so；said　that　young　man　whom　I　hear　them　call

〃John；〃softly；　not　meaning　to　be　heard；　nor　to　be　cruel；　but

thinking　in　a　half…whisper；　evidently。　I　should　think　so；　and　got

kinked　up；　turnin'　so　many　corners。　The　little　man　did　not　hear

what　was　said；　but　went　on；



full　of　crooked　little　streets；　but　I　tell　you　Boston　has　opened；

and　kept　open；　more　turnpikes　that　lead　straight　to　free　thought　and

free　speech　and　free　deeds　than　any　other　city　of　live　men　or　dead

men；I　don't　care　how　broad　their　streets　are；　nor　how　high　their

steeples！



How　high　is　Bosting　meet'n'…house？said　a　person　with　black

whiskers　and　imperial；　a　velvet　waistcoat；　a　guard…chain　rather　too

massive；　and　a　diamond　pin　so　very　large　that　the　most　trusting

nature　might　confess　an　inward　suggestion；of　course；　nothing

amounting　to　a　suspicion。　　For　this　is　a　gentleman　from　a　great　city；

and　sits　next　to　the　landlady's　daughter；　who　evidently　believes　in

him；　and　is　the　object　of　his　especial　attention。



How　high？said　the　little　man。　As　high　as　the　first　step　of　the

stairs　that　lead　to　the　New　Jerusalem。　　Is　n't　that　high　enough？



It　is；I　said。　The　great　end　of　being　is　to　harmonize　man　with　the

order　of　things；　and　the　church　has　been　a　good　pitch…pipe；　and　may

be　so　still。　　But　who　shall　tune　the　pitch…pipe？　　Quis　cus…（On　the

whole；　as　this　quotation　was　not　entirely　new；　and；　being　in　a

foreign　language；　might　not　be　familiar　to　all　the　boarders；　I

thought　I　would　not　finish　it。）



Go　to　the　Bible！　said　a　sharp　voice　from　a　sharp…faced；　sharp…

eyed；　sharp…elbowed；　strenuous…looking　woman　in　a　black　dress；

appearing　as　if　it　began　as　a　piece　of　mourning　and　perpetuated

itself　as　a　bit　of　economy。



You　speak　well；　Madam；I　said；yet　there　is　room　for　a　gloss　or

commentary　on　what　you　say。　　〃He　who　would　bring　back　the　wealth　of

the　Indies　must　carry　out　the　wealth　of　the　Indies。〃　　What　you　bring

away　from　the　Bible　depends　to　some　extent　on　what　you　carry　to　it。…

Benjamin　Franklin！　　Be　so　good　as　to　step　up　to　my　chamber　and　bring

me　down　the　small　uncovered　pamphlet　of　twenty　pages　which　you　will

find　lying　under　the　〃Cruden's　Concordance。〃　＇The　boy　took　a　large

bite；　which　left　a　very　perfect　crescent　in　the　slice　of　bread…and…

butter　he　held；　and　departed　on　his　errand；　with　the　portable

fraction　of　his　breakfast　to　sustain　him　on　the　way。＇



Here　it　is。　　〃Go　to　the　Bible。　　A　Dissertation；　；etc。；　etc。　　By　J。

J。　Flournoy。　　Athens；　Georgia；　1858。〃



Mr。　Flournoy；　Madam；　has　obeyed　the　precept　which　you　have

judiciously　delivered。　　You　may　be　interested；　Madam；　to　know　what

are　the　conclusions　at　which　Mr。　J。　J。　Flournoy　of　Athens；　Georgia；

has　arrived。　　You　shall　hear；　Madam。　　He　has　gone　to　the　Bible；　and

he　has　come　back　from　the　Bible；　bringing　a　remedy　for　existing

social　evils；　which；　if　it　is　the　real　specific；　as　it　professes　to

be；　is　of　great　interest　to　humanity；　and　to　the　female　part　of

humanity　in　particular。　　It　is　what　he　calls　TRIGAMY；　Madam；　or　the

marrying　of　three　wives；　so　that　〃good　old　men〃　may　be　solaced　at

once　by　the　companionship　of　the　wisdom　of　maturity；　and　of　those

less　perfected　but　hardly　less　engaging　qualities　which　are　found　at

an　earlier　period　of　life。　　He　has　followed　your　precept；　Madam；　I

hope　you　accept　his　conclusions。



The　female　boarder　in　black　attire　looked　so　puzzled；　and；　in　fact；

〃all　abroad；〃　after　the　delivery　of　this　〃counter〃　of　mine；　that　I

left　her　to　recover　her　wits；　and　went　on　with　the　conversation；

which　I　was　beginning　to　get　pretty　well　in　hand。



But　in　the　mean　time　I　kept　my　eye　on　the　female　boarder　to　see　what

effect　I　had　produced。　　First；　she　was　a　little　stunned　at　having　her

argument　knocked　over。　　Secondly；　she　was　a　little　shocked　at　the

tremendous　character　of　the　triple　matrimonial　suggestion。　　Thirdly。

I　don't　like　to　say　what　I　thought。　　Something　seemed　to　have

pleased　her　fancy。　　Whether　it　was；　that；　if　trigamy　should　come　into

fashion；　there　would　be　three　times　as　many　chances　to　enjoy　the

luxury　of　saying；　〃No！〃　is　more　than　I；　can　tell　you。　　I　may　as　well

mention　that　B。　F。　came　to　me　after　breakfast　to　borrow　the　pamphlet

for　〃a　lady；〃one　of　the　boarders；　he　said；looking　as　if　he　had　a

secret　he　wished　to　be　relieved　of。



I　continued。　If　a　human　soul　is　necessarily　to　be　trained　up　in

the　faith　of　those　from　whom　it　inherits　its　body；　why；　there　is　the

end　of　all　reason。　　If；　sooner　or　later；　every　soul　is　to　look　for

truth　with　its　own　eyes；　the　first　thing　is　to　recognize　that　no

presumption　in　favor　of　any　particular　belief　arises　from　the　fact　of

our　inheriting　it。　　Otherwise　you　would　not　give　the　Mahometan　a　fair

chance　to　become　a　convert　t