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第9节

fantastic fables-第9节

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Honourable Editor。  〃And yet;〃 he added; with a sly smile; 〃I feel 



that I ought to give you as much knowledge of my character as I 



possess。  In this scrap…book is such testimony relating to my shady 



side; as I have within the past ten years been able to cut from the 



columns of my competitors in the business of elevating humanity to 



a higher plane of mind and morals … my 'loathsome contemporaries。'〃







Laying the book on a table; he withdrew in high spirits to make 



arrangements for the wedding。  Three days later he received the 



scrap…book from a messenger; with a note warning him never again to 



darken his Old Friend's door。







〃See!〃 the Gifted and Honourable Editor exclaimed; pointing to that 



injunction … 〃I am a painter and grainer!〃







And he was led away to the Asylum for the Indiscreet。















The Faithful Cashier















THE Cashier of a bank having defaulted was asked by the Directors 



what he had done with the money taken。







〃I am greatly surprised by such a question;〃 said the Cashier; 〃it 



sounds as if you suspected me of selfishness。  Gentlemen; I applied 



that money to the purpose for which I took it; I paid it as an 



initiation fee and one year's dues in advance to the Treasurer of 



the Cashiers' Mutual Defence Association。〃







〃What is the object of that organisation?〃 the Directors inquired。







〃When any one of its members is under suspicion;〃 replied the 



Cashier; 〃the Association undertakes to clear his character by 



submitting evidence that he was never a prominent member of any 



church; nor foremost in Sunday…school work。〃







Recognising the value to the bank of a spotless reputation for its 



officers; the President drew his check for the amount of the 



shortage and the Cashier was restored to favour。















The Circular Clew















A DETECTIVE searching for the murderer of a dead man was accosted 



by a Clew。







〃Follow me;〃 said the Clew; 〃and there's no knowing what you may 



discover。〃







So the Detective followed the Clew a whole year through a thousand 



sinuosities; and at last found himself in the office of the Morgue。







〃There!〃 said the Clew; pointing to the open register。







The Detective eagerly scanned the page; and found an official 



statement that the deceased was dead。  Thereupon he hastened to 



Police Headquarters to report progress。  The Clew; meanwhile; 



sauntered among the busy haunts of men; arm in arm with an 



Ingenious Theory。〃















The Devoted Widow















A WIDOW weeping on her husband's grave was approached by an 



Engaging Gentleman who; in a respectful manner; assured her that he 



had long entertained for her the most tender feelings。







〃Wretch!〃 cried the Widow。  〃Leave me this instant!  Is this a time 



to talk to me of love?〃







〃I assure you; madam; that I had not intended to disclose my 



affection;〃 the Engaging Gentleman humbly explained; 〃but the power 



of your beauty has overcome my discretion。〃







〃You should see me when I have not been crying;〃 said the Widow。















The Hardy Patriots















A DISPENSER…ELECT of Patronage gave notice through the newspapers 



that applicants for places would be given none until he should 



assume the duties of his office。







〃You are exposing yourself to a grave danger;〃 said a Lawyer。







〃How so?〃 the Dispenser…Elect inquired。







〃It will be nearly two months;〃 the Lawyer answered; 〃before the 



day that you mention。  Few patriots can live so long without 



eating; and some of the applicants will be compelled to go to work 



in the meantime。  If that kills them; you will be liable to 



prosecution for murder。〃







〃You underrate their powers of endurance;〃 the official replied。







〃What!〃 said the Lawyer; 〃you think they can stand work?〃







〃No;〃 said the other … 〃hunger。〃















The Humble Peasant















AN Office Seeker whom the President had ordered out of Washington 



was watering the homeward highway with his tears。







〃Ah;〃 he said; 〃how disastrous is ambition! how unsatisfying its 



rewards! how terrible its disappointments!  Behold yonder peasant 



tilling his field in peace and contentment!  He rises with the 



lark; passes the day in wholesome toil; and lies down at night to 



pleasant dreams。  In the mad struggle for place and power he has no 



part; the roar of the strife reaches his ear like the distant 



murmur of the ocean。  Happy; thrice happy man!  I will approach him 



and bask in the sunshine of his humble felicity。  Peasant; all 



hail!〃







Leaning upon his rake; the Peasant returned the salutation with a 



nod; but said nothing。







〃My friend;〃 said the Office Seeker; 〃you see before you the wreck 



of an ambitious man … ruined by the pursuit of place and power。  



This morning when I set out from the national capital … 〃







〃Stranger;〃 the Peasant interrupted; 〃if you're going back there 



soon maybe you wouldn't mind using your influence to make me 



Postmaster at Smith's Corners。〃







The traveller passed on。















The Various Delegation















THE King of Wideout having been offered the sovereignty of Wayoff; 



sent for the Three Persons who had made the offer; and said to 



them:







〃I am extremely obliged to you; but before accepting so great a 



responsibility I must ascertain the sentiments of the people of 



Wayoff。〃







〃Sire;〃 said the Spokesman of the Three Persons; 〃they stand before 



you。〃







〃Indeed!〃 said the King; 〃are you; then; the people of Wayoff?〃







〃Yes; your Majesty。〃







〃There are not many of you;〃 the King said; attentively regarding 



them with the royal eye; 〃and you are not so very large; I hardly 



think you are a quorum。  Moreover; I never heard of you until you 



came here; whereas Wayoff is noted for the quality of its pork and 



contains hogs of distinction。  I shall send a Commissioner to 



ascertain the sentiments of the hogs。〃







The Three Persons; bowing profoundly; backed out of the presence; 



but soon afterward they desired another audience; and; on being 



readmitted; said; through their Spokesman:







〃May it please your Majesty; we are the hogs。〃















The No Case















A STATESMAN who had been indicted by an unfeeling Grand Jury was 



arrested by a Sheriff and thrown into jail。  As this was abhorrent 



to his fine spiritual nature; he sent for the District Attorney and 



asked that the case against him be dismissed。







〃Upon what grounds?〃 asked the District Attorney。







〃Lack of evidence to convict;〃 replied the accused。







〃Do you happen to have the lack with you?〃 the official asked。  〃I 



should like to see it。〃







〃With pleasure;〃 said the other; 〃here it is。〃







So saying he handed the other a check; which the District Attorney 



carefully examined; and then pronounced it the most complete 



absence of both proof and presumption that he had ever seen。  He 



said it would acquit the oldest man in the world。















A Harmless Visitor















AT a meeting of the Golden League of Mystery a Woman was 



discovered; writing in a note…book。  A member directed the 



attention of the Superb High Chairman to her; and she was asked to 



explain her presence there; and what she was doing。







〃I came in for my own pleasure and instruction;〃 she said; 〃and was 



so struck by the wisdom of the speakers that I could not help 



making a few notes。〃







〃Madam;〃 said the Superb High Chairman; 〃we have no objection to 



visitors if they will pledge themselves not to publish anything 



they hear。  Are you … on your honour as a lady; now; madam … are 



you not connected with some newspaper?〃







〃Good gracious; no!〃 cried the Woman; earnestly。  〃Why; sir; I am 



an officer of the Women's Press Association!〃







She was permitted to remain; and presented with resolutions of 



apology。















The Judge and the Rash Act















A JUDGE who had for years looked in vain for an opportunity for 



infamous distinction; but whom no litigant thought worth bribing; 



sat one day upon the Bench; lamenting his hard lot; and threatening 



to put an end to his life if business did not improve。  Suddenly he 



found himself confronted by a dreadful figure clad in a shroud; 



whose pallor and stony eyes smote him with a horrible apprehension。







〃Who are you;〃 he faltered; 〃and why do you come here?〃







〃I am the Rash Act;〃 was the sepulchral reply; 〃you may commit me。〃







〃No;〃 the judge said; thoughtfully; 〃no; that w

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