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第7节

fantastic fables-第7节

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adhered to his fingers; and running to a brook in great alarm he 



proceeded to wash it off。  In doing so he necessarily got some on 



the other hand; and when he had finished washing; both were so 



white that he went to bed and sent for a physician。















Alarm and Pride















〃GOOD…MORNING; my friend;〃 said Alarm to Pride; 〃how are you this 



morning?〃







〃Very tired;〃 replied Pride; seating himself on a stone by the 



wayside and mopping his steaming brow。  〃The politicians are 



wearing me out by pointing to their dirty records with ME; when 



they could as well use a stick。〃







Alarm sighed sympathetically; and said:







〃It is pretty much the same way here。  Instead of using an opera…



glass they view the acts of their opponents with ME!〃







As these patient drudges were mingling their tears; they were 



notified that they must go on duty again; for one of the political 



parties had nominated a thief and was about to hold a gratification 



meeting。















A Causeway















A RICH Woman having returned from abroad disembarked at the foot of 



Knee…deep Street; and was about to walk to her hotel through the 



mud。







〃Madam;〃 said a Policeman; 〃I cannot permit you to do that; you 



would soil your shoes and stockings。〃







〃Oh; that is of no importance; really;〃 replied the Rich Woman; 



with a cheerful smile。







〃But; madam; it is needless; from the wharf to the hotel; as you 



observe; extends an unbroken line of prostrate newspaper men who 



crave the honour of having you walk upon them。〃







〃In that case;〃 she said; seating herself in a doorway and 



unlocking her satchel; 〃I shall have to put on my rubber boots。〃















Two in Trouble















MEETING a fat and patriotic Statesman on his way to Washington to 



beseech the President for an office; an idle Tramp accosted him and 



begged twenty…five cents with which to buy a suit of clothes。







〃Melancholy wreck;〃 said the Statesman; 〃what brought you to this 



state of degradation?  Liquor; I suppose。〃







〃I am temperate to the verge of absurdity;〃 replied the Tramp。  〃My 



foible was patriotism; I was ruined by the baneful habit of trying 



to serve my country。  What ruined you?〃







〃Indolence。〃















The Witch's Steed















A BROOMSTICK which had long served a witch as a steed complained of 



the nature of its employment; which it thought degrading。







〃Very well;〃 said the Witch; 〃I will give you work in which you 



will be associated with intellect … you will come in contact with 



brains。  I shall present you to a housewife。〃







〃What!〃 said the Broomstick; 〃do you consider the hands of a 



housewife intellectual?〃







〃I referred;〃 said the Witch; 〃to the head of her good man。〃















The All Dog















A LION seeing a Poodle fell into laughter at the ridiculous 



spectacle。







〃Who ever saw so small a beast?〃 he said。







〃It is very true;〃 said the Poodle; with austere dignity; 〃that I 



am small; but; sir; I beg to observe that I am all dog。〃















The Farmer's Friend















A GREAT Philanthropist who had thought of himself in connection 



with the Presidency and had introduced a bill into Congress 



requiring the Government to loan every voter all the money that he 



needed; on his personal security; was explaining to a Sunday…school 



at a railway station how much he had done for the country; when an 



angel looked down from Heaven and wept。







〃For example;〃 said the Great Philanthropist; watching the 



teardrops pattering in the dust; 〃these early rains are of 



incalculable advantage to the farmer。〃















Physicians Two















A WICKED Old Man finding himself ill sent for a Physician; who 



prescribed for him and went away。  Then the Wicked Old Man sent for 



another Physician; saying nothing of the first; and an entirely 



different treatment was ordered。  This continued for some weeks; 



the physicians visiting him on alternate days and treating him for 



two different disorders; with constantly enlarging doses of 



medicine and more and more rigorous nursing。  But one day they 



accidently met at his bedside while he slept; and the truth coming 



out a violent quarrel ensued。







〃My good friends;〃 said the patient; awakened by the noise of the 



dispute; and apprehending the cause of it; 〃pray be more 



reasonable。  If I could for weeks endure you both; can you not for 



a little while endure each other?  I have been well for ten days; 



but have remained in bed in the hope of gaining by repose the 



strength that would justify me in taking your medicines。  So far I 



have touched none of it。〃















The Overlooked Factor















A MAN that owned a fine Dog; and by a careful selection of its mate 



had bred a number of animals but a little lower than the angels; 



fell in love with his washerwoman; married her; and reared a family 



of dolts。







〃Alas!〃 he exclaimed; contemplating the melancholy result; 〃had I 



but chosen a mate for myself with half the care that I did for my 



Dog I should now be a proud and happy father。〃







〃I'm not so sure of that;〃 said the Dog; overhearing the lament。  



〃There's a difference; certainly; between your whelps and mine; but 



I venture to flatter myself that it is not due altogether to the 



mothers。  You and I are not entirely alike ourselves。〃















A Racial Parallel















SOME White Christians engaged in driving Chinese Heathens out of an 



American town found a newspaper published in Peking in the Chinese 



tongue; and compelled one of their victims to translate an 



editorial。  It turned out to be an appeal to the people of the 



Province of Pang Ki to drive the foreign devils out of the country 



and burn their dwellings and churches。  At this evidence of 



Mongolian barbarity the White Christians were so greatly incensed 



that they carried out their original design。















The Honest Cadi















A ROBBER who had plundered a Merchant of one thousand pieces of 



gold was taken before the Cadi; who asked him if he had anything to 



say why he should not be decapitated。







〃Your Honour;〃 said the Robber; 〃I could do no otherwise than take 



the money; for Allah made me that way。〃







〃Your defence is ingenious and sound;〃 said the Cadi; 〃and I must 



acquit you of criminality。  Unfortunately; Allah has made me so 



that I must also take off your head … unless;〃 he added; 



thoughtfully; 〃you offer me half of the gold; for He made me weak 



under temptation。〃







Thereupon the Robber put five hundred pieces of gold into the 



Cadi's hand。







〃Good;〃 said the Cadi。  〃I shall now remove but one half your head。  



To show my trust in your discretion I shall leave intact the half 



you talk with。〃















The Kangaroo and the Zebra















A KANGAROO hopping awkwardly along with some bulky object concealed 



in her pouch met a Zebra; and desirous of keeping his attention 



upon himself; said:







〃Your costume looks as if you might have come out of the 



penitentiary。〃







〃Appearances are deceitful;〃 replied the Zebra; smiling in the 



consciousness of a more insupportable wit; 〃or I should have to 



think that you had come out of the Legislature。〃















A Matter of Method















A PHILOSOPHER seeing a Fool beating his Donkey; said:







〃Abstain; my son; abstain; I implore。  Those who resort to violence 



shall suffer from violence。〃







〃That;〃 said the Fool; diligently belabouring the animal; 〃is what 



I'm trying to teach this beast … which has kicked me。〃







〃Doubtless;〃 said the Philosopher to himself; as he walked away; 



〃the wisdom of fools is no deeper nor truer than ours; but they 



really do seem to have a more impressive way of imparting it。〃















The Man of Principle















DURING a shower of rain the Keeper of a Zoological garden observed 



a Man of Principle crouching beneath the belly of the ostrich; 



which had drawn itself up to its full height to sleep。







〃Why; my dear sir;〃 said the Keeper; 〃if you fear to get wet; you'd 



better creep into the pouch of yonder female kangaroo … the 



SALTARIX MACKINTOSHA … for if that ostrich wakes he will kick you 



to death in a minute。〃







〃I can't help that;〃 the Man of Principle replied; with that lofty 



scorn of practical considerations distinguishing his species。  〃He 



may kick me to death if he wish; but until he does he shall give me 



shelter from 

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