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第2节

fantastic fables-第2节

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rose and said:







〃Mr。 Speaker; I have heard with profound attention and entire 



approval the explanation of the honourable member; and wish to 



offer a few remarks on my own behalf。  I; too; have been foully 



calumniated by our ancient enemy; the Infamous Falsehood; and I 



wish to point out that I am made of the fur of the MUSTELA 



MACULATA; which is dirty from birth。〃















The Ingenious Patriot















HAVING obtained an audience of the King an Ingenious Patriot pulled 



a paper from his pocket; saying:







〃May it please your Majesty; I have here a formula for constructing 



armour…plating which no gun can pierce。  If these plates are 



adopted in the Royal Navy our warships will be invulnerable; and 



therefore invincible。  Here; also; are reports of your Majesty's 



Ministers; attesting the value of the invention。  I will part with 



my right in it for a million tumtums。〃







After examining the papers; the King put them away and promised him 



an order on the Lord High Treasurer of the Extortion Department for 



a million tumtums。







〃And here;〃 said the Ingenious Patriot; pulling another paper from 



another pocket; 〃are the working plans of a gun that I have 



invented; which will pierce that armour。  Your Majesty's Royal 



Brother; the Emperor of Bang; is anxious to purchase it; but 



loyalty to your Majesty's throne and person constrains me to offer 



it first to your Majesty。  The price is one million tumtums。〃







Having received the promise of another check; he thrust his hand 



into still another pocket; remarking:







〃The price of the irresistible gun would have been much greater; 



your Majesty; but for the fact that its missiles can be so 



effectively averted by my peculiar method of treating the armour 



plates with a new… 〃







The King signed to the Great Head Factotum to approach。







〃Search this man;〃 he said; 〃and report how many pockets he has。〃







〃Forty…three; Sire;〃 said the Great Head Factotum; completing the 



scrutiny。







〃May it please your Majesty;〃 cried the Ingenious Patriot; in 



terror; 〃one of them contains tobacco。〃







〃Hold him up by the ankles and shake him;〃 said the King; 〃then 



give him a check for forty…two million tumtums and put him to 



death。  Let a decree issue declaring ingenuity a capital offence。〃















Two Kings















THE King of Madagao; being engaged in a dispute with the King of 



Bornegascar; wrote him as follows:







〃Before proceeding further in this matter I demand the recall of 



your Minister from my capital。〃







Greatly enraged by this impossible demand; the King of Bornegascar 



replied:







〃I shall not recall my Minister。  Moreover; if you do not 



immediately retract your demand I shall withdraw him!〃







This threat so terrified the King of Madagao that in hastening to 



comply he fell over his own feet; breaking the Third Commandment。















An Officer and a Thug















A CHIEF of Police who had seen an Officer beating a Thug was very 



indignant; and said he must not do so any more on pain of 



dismissal。







〃Don't be too hard on me;〃 said the Officer; smiling; 〃I was 



beating him with a stuffed club。〃







〃Nevertheless;〃 persisted the Chief of Police; 〃it was a liberty 



that must have been very disagreeable; though it may not have hurt。  



Please do not repeat it。〃







〃But;〃 said the Officer; still smiling; 〃it was a stuffed Thug。〃







In attempting to express his gratification; the Chief of Police 



thrust out his right hand with such violence that his skin was 



ruptured at the arm…pit and a stream of sawdust poured from the 



wound。  He was a stuffed Chief of Police。















The Conscientious Official















WHILE a Division Superintendent of a railway was attending closely 



to his business of placing obstructions on the track and tampering 



with the switches he received word that the President of the road 



was about to discharge him for incompetency。







〃Good Heavens!〃 he cried; 〃there are more accidents on my division 



than on all the rest of the line。〃







〃The President is very particular;〃 said the Man who brought him 



the news; 〃he thinks the same loss of life might be effected with 



less damage to the company's property。〃







〃Does he expect me to shoot passengers through the car windows?〃 



exclaimed the indignant official; spiking a loose tie across the 



rails。  〃Does he take me for an assassin?〃















How Leisure Came















A MAN to Whom Time Was Money; and who was bolting his breakfast in 



order to catch a train; had leaned his newspaper against the sugar…



bowl and was reading as he ate。  In his haste and abstraction he 



stuck a pickle…fork into his right eye; and on removing the fork 



the eye came with it。  In buying spectacles the needless outlay for 



the right lens soon reduced him to poverty; and the Man to Whom 



Time Was Money had to sustain life by fishing from the end of a 



wharf。















The Moral Sentiment















A PUGILIST met the Moral Sentiment of the Community; who was 



carrying a hat…box。  〃What have you in the hat…box; my friend?〃 



inquired the Pugilist。







〃A new frown;〃 was the answer。  〃I am bringing it from the frownery 



… the one over there with the gilded steeple。〃







〃And what are you going to do with the nice new frown?〃 the 



Pugilist asked。







〃Put down pugilism … if I have to wear it night and day;〃 said the 



Moral Sentiment of the Community; sternly。







〃That's right;〃 said the Pugilist; 〃that is right; my good friend; 



if pugilism had been put down yesterday; I wouldn't have this kind 



of Nose to…day。  I had a rattling hot fight last evening with … 〃







〃Is that so?〃 cried the Moral Sentiment of the Community; with 



sudden animation。  〃Which licked?  Sit down here on the hat…box and 



tell me all about it!〃















The Politicians















AN Old Politician and a Young Politician were travelling through a 



beautiful country; by the dusty highway which leads to the City of 



Prosperous Obscurity。  Lured by the flowers and the shade and 



charmed by the songs of birds which invited to woodland paths and 



green fields; his imagination fired by glimpses of golden domes and 



glittering palaces in the distance on either hand; the Young 



Politician said:







〃Let us; I beseech thee; turn aside from this comfortless road 



leading; thou knowest whither; but not I。  Let us turn our backs 



upon duty and abandon ourselves to the delights and advantages 



which beckon from every grove and call to us from every shining 



hill。  Let us; if so thou wilt; follow this beautiful path; which; 



as thou seest; hath a guide…board saying; 'Turn in here all ye who 



seek the Palace of Political Distinction。'〃







〃It is a beautiful path; my son;〃 said the Old Politician; without 



either slackening his pace or turning his head; 〃and it leadeth 



among pleasant scenes。  But the search for the Palace of Political 



Distinction is beset with one mighty peril。〃







〃What is that?〃 said the Young Politician。







〃The peril of finding it;〃 the Old Politician replied; pushing on。















The Thoughtful Warden















THE Warden of a Penitentiary was one day putting locks on the doors 



of all the cells when a mechanic said to him:







〃Those locks can all be opened from the inside … you are very 



imprudent。〃







The Warden did not look up from his work; but said:







〃If that is called imprudence; I wonder what would be called a 



thoughtful provision against the vicissitudes of fortune。〃















The Treasury and the Arms















A PUBLIC Treasury; feeling Two Arms lifting out its contents; 



exclaimed:







〃Mr。 Shareman; I move for a division。〃







〃You seem to know something about parliamentary forms of speech;〃 



said the Two Arms。







〃Yes;〃 replied the Public Treasury; 〃I am familiar with the hauls 



of legislation。〃















The Christian Serpent















A RATTLESNAKE came home to his brood and said: 〃My children; gather 



about and receive your father's last blessing; and see how a 



Christian dies。〃







〃What ails you; Father?〃 asked the Small Snakes。







〃I have been bitten by the editor of a partisan journal;〃 was the 



reply; accompanied by the ominous death…rattle。















The Broom of the Temple















THE city of Gakwak being about to lose its character of capital of 



the province of Ukwuk; the Wampog issued a proclamation convening 




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