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第17节

fantastic fables-第17节

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〃I am a noble preserver;〃 said the Modern Swain; thoughtfully 



moving away; 〃the life that I have saved is indeed mine。〃















The Man and the Bird















A MAN with a Shotgun said to a Bird:







〃It is all nonsense; you know; about shooting being a cruel sport。  



I put my skill against your cunning…that is all there is of it。  It 



is a fair game。〃







〃True;〃 said the Bird; 〃but I don't wish to play。〃







〃Why not?〃 inquired the Man with a Shotgun。







〃The game;〃 the Bird replied; 〃is fair as you say; the chances are 



about even; but consider the stake。  I am in it for you; but what 



is there in it for me?〃







Not being prepared with an answer to the question; the Man with a 



Shotgun sagaciously removed the propounder。















From the Minutes















AN Orator afflicted with atrophy of the organ of common…sense rose 



in his place in the halls of legislation and pointed with pride to 



his Unblotted Escutcheon。  Seeing what it supposed to be the finger 



of scorn pointed at it; the Unblotted Escutcheon turned black with 



rage。  Seeing the Unblotted Escutcheon turning black with what he 



supposed to be the record of his own misdeeds showing through the 



whitewash; the Orator fell dead of mortification。  Seeing the 



Orator fall dead of what they supposed to be atrophy of the organ 



of common…sense; his colleagues resolved that whenever they should 



adjourn because they were tired; it should be out of respect to the 



memory of him who had so frequently made them so。















Three of a Kind















A LAWYER in whom an instinct of justice had survived the wreck of 



his ignorance of law was retained for the defence of a burglar whom 



the police had taken after a desperate struggle with someone not in 



custody。  In consultation with his client the Lawyer asked; 〃Have 



you accomplices?〃







〃Yes; sir;〃 replied the Burglar。  〃I have two; but neither has been 



taken。  I hired one to defend me against capture; you to defend me 



against conviction。〃







This answer deeply impressed the Lawyer; and having ascertained 



that the Burglar had accumulated no money in his profession he 



threw up the case。















The Fabulist and the Animals















A WISE and illustrious Writer of Fables was visiting a travelling 



menagerie with a view to collecting literary materials。  As he was 



passing near the Elephant; that animal said:







〃How sad that so justly famous a satirist should mar his work by 



ridicule of people with long noses … who are the salt of the 



earth!〃







The Kangaroo said:







〃I do so enjoy that great man's censure of the ridiculous … 



particularly his attacks on the Proboscidae; but; alas! he has no 



reverence for the Marsupials; and laughs at our way of carrying our 



young in a pouch。〃







The Camel said:







〃If he would only respect the sacred Hump; he would be faultless。  



As it is; I cannot permit his fables to be read in the presence of 



my family。〃







The Ostrich; seeing his approach; thrust her head in the straw; 



saying:







〃If I do not conceal myself; he may be reminded to write something 



disagreeable about my lack of a crest or my appetite for scrap…



iron; and although he is inexpressibly brilliant when he devotes 



himself to censure of folly and greed; his dulness is matchless 



when he transcends the limits of legitimate comment。〃







〃That;' said the Buzzard to his mate; 〃is the distinguished author 



of that glorious fable; 'The Ostrich and the Keg of Raw Nails。'  I 



regret to add; that he wrote; also; 'The Buzzard's Feast;' in which 



a carrion diet is contumeliously disparaged。  A carrion diet is the 



foundation of sound health。  If nothing else but corpses were 



eaten; death would be unknown。〃







Seeing an attendant approaching; the wise and illustrious Writer of 



Fables passed out of the tent and mingled with the crowd。  It was 



afterward discovered that he had crept in under the canvas without 



paying。















A Revivalist Revived















A REVIVALIST who had fallen dead in the pulpit from too violent 



religious exercise was astonished to wake up in Hades。  He promptly 



sent for the Adversary of Souls and demanded his freedom; 



explaining that he was entirely orthodox; and had always led a 



pious and holy life。







〃That is all very true;〃 said the Adversary; 〃but you taught by 



example that a verb should not agree with its subject in person and 



number; whereas the Good Book says that contention is worse than a 



dinner of herbs。  You also tried to release the objective case from 



its thraldom to the preposition; and it is written that servants 



should obey their masters。  You stay right here。〃















The Debaters















A HURLED…BACK Allegation; which; after a brief rest; had again 



started forth upon its mission of mischief; met an Ink…stand in 



mid…air。







〃How did the Honourable Member whom you represent know that I was 



coming again?〃 inquired the Hurled…back Allegation。







〃He did not;〃 the Inkstand replied; 〃he isn't at all forehanded at 



repartee。〃







〃Why; then; do you come; things being even when he had hurled me 



back?〃







〃He wanted to be a little ahead。〃















Two of the Pious















A CHRISTIAN and a Heathen in His Blindness were disputing; when the 



Christian; with that charming consideration which serves to 



distinguish the truly pious from the wolves that perish; exclaimed:







〃If I could have my way; I'd blow up all your gods with dynamite。〃







〃And if I could have mine;〃 retorted the Heathen in His Blindness; 



bitterly malevolent but oleaginuously suave; 〃I'd fan all yours out 



of the universe。〃















The Desperate Object















A DISHONEST Gain was driving in its luxurious carriage through its 



private park; when it saw something which frantically and 



repeatedly ran against a stone wall; endeavouring to butt out its 



brains。







〃Hold!  Hold! thou desperate Object;〃 cried the Dishonest Gain; 



〃these beautiful private grounds are no place for such work as 



thine。〃







〃True;〃 said the Object; pausing; 〃I have other and better grounds 



for it。〃







〃Then thou art a happy man;〃 said the Dishonest Gain; 〃and thy 



bleeding head is but mere dissembling。  Who art thou; great actor?〃







〃I am known;〃 said the Object; dashing itself again at the wall; 



〃as the Consciousness of Duty Well Performed。〃















The Appropriate Memorial















A HIGH Public Functionary having died; the citizens of his town 



held a meeting to consider how to honour his memory; and an Other 



High Public Functionary rose and addressed the meeting。







〃Mr。 Chairman and Gintlemen;〃 said the Other; 〃it sames to me; and 



I'm hopin' yez wull approve the suggistion; that an appropriet way 



to honour the mimory of the decaised would be to erect an emolument 



sootably inscribed wid his vartues。〃







The soul of the great man looked down from Heaven and wept。















A Needless Labour















AFTER waiting many a weary day to revenge himself upon a Lion for 



some unconsidered manifestation of contempt; a Skunk finally saw 



him coming; and posting himself in the path ahead uttered the 



inaudible discord of his race。  Observing that the Lion gave no 



attention to the matter; the Skunk; keeping carefully out of reach; 



said:







〃Sir; I beg leave to point out that I have set on foot an 



implacable odour。〃







〃My dear fellow;〃 the Lion replied; 〃you have taken a needless 



trouble; I already knew that you were a Skunk。〃















A Flourishing Industry















〃ARE the industries of this country in a flourishing condition?〃 



asked a Traveller from a Foreign Land of the first man he met in 



America。







〃Splendid!〃 said the Man。  〃I have more orders than I can fill。〃







〃What is your business?〃 the Traveller from a Foreign Land 



inquired。







The Man replied; 〃I make boxing…gloves for the tongues of 



pugilists。〃















The Self…Made Monkey















A MAN of humble birth and no breading; who held a high political 



office; was passing through a forest; when he met a Monkey。







〃I take it you are one of my constituents;〃 the Man said。







〃No;〃 replied the Monkey; 〃but I will support you if you can urge a 



valid claim to my approval。〃







〃I am a self…made man;〃 said the other; proudly。







〃That is nothing;〃 the Monkey said。  And going to a bigger pine; he 



rose

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