fantastic fables-第15节
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Three Recruits
A FARMER; an Artisan; and a Labourer went to the King of their
country and complained that they were compelled to support a large
standing army of mere consumers; who did nothing for their keep。
〃Very well;〃 said the King; 〃my subjects' wishes are the highest
law。〃
So he disbanded his army and the consumers became producers also。
The sale of their products so brought down prices that farming was
ruined; and their skilled and unskilled labour drove the artisans
and labourers into the almshouses and highways。 In a few years the
national distress was so great that the Farmer; the Artisan; and
the Labourer petitioned the King to reorganize the standing army。
〃What!〃 said the King; 〃you wish to support those idle consumers
again?〃
〃No; your Majesty;〃 they replied … 〃we wish to enlist。〃
The Mirror
A SILKEN…EARED Spaniel; who traced his descent from King Charles
the Second of England; chanced to look into a mirror which was
leaning against the wainscoting of a room on the ground floor of
his mistress's house。 Seeing his reflection; he supposed it to be
another dog; outside; and said:
〃I can chew up any such milksoppy pup as that; and I will。〃
So he ran out…of…doors and around to the side of the house where he
fancied the enemy was。 It so happened that at that moment a
Bulldog sat there sunning his teeth。 The Spaniel stopped short in
dire consternation; and; after regarding the Bulldog a moment from
a safe distance; said:
〃I don't know whether you cultivate the arts of peace or your flag
is flung to the battle and the breeze and your voice is for war。
If you are a civilian; the windows of this house flatter you worse
than a newspaper; but if you're a soldier; they do you a grave
injustice。〃
This speech being unintelligible to the Bulldog he only civilly
smiled; which so terrified the Spaniel that he dropped dead in his
tracks。
Saint and Sinner
〃MY friend;〃 said a distinguished officer of the Salvation Army; to
a Most Wicked Sinner; 〃I was once a drunkard; a thief; an assassin。
The Divine Grace has made me what I am。〃
The Most Wicked Sinner looked at him from head to foot。
〃Henceforth;〃 he said; 〃the Divine Grace; I fancy; will let well
enough alone。〃
An Antidote
A YOUNG Ostrich came to its Mother; groaning with pain and with its
wings tightly crossed upon its stomach。
〃What have you been eating?〃 the Mother asked; with solicitude。
〃Nothing but a keg of Nails;〃 was the reply。
〃What!〃 exclaimed the Mother; 〃a whole keg of Nails; at your age!
Why; you will kill yourself that way。 Go quickly; my child; and
swallow a claw…hammer。〃
A Weary Echo
A CONVENTION of female writers; which for two days had been
stuffing Woman's couch with goose…quills and hailing the down of a
new era; adjourned with unabated enthusiasm; shouting; 〃Place aux
dames!〃 And Echo wearily replied; 〃Oh; damn。〃
The Ingenious Blackmailer
AN Inventor went to a King and was granted an audience; when the
following conversation ensued:
INVENTOR。 … 〃May it please your Majesty; I have invented a rifle
that discharges lightning。〃
KING。 … 〃Ah; you wish to sell me the secret。〃
INVENTOR。 … 〃Yes; it will enable your army to overrun any nation
that is accessible。〃
KING。 … 〃In order to get any good of my outlay for your invention;
I must make a war; and do so as soon as I can arm my troops …
before your secret is discovered by foreign nations。 How much do
you want?〃
INVENTOR。 … 〃One million dollars。〃
KING。 … 〃And how much will it cost to make the change of arms?〃
INVENTOR。 … 〃Fifty millions。〃
KING。 … 〃And the war will Cost … ?〃
INVENTOR。 … 〃But consider the glory and the spoils!〃
KING。 … 〃Exactly。 But if I am not seeking these advantages? What
if I decline to purchase?〃
INVENTOR。 … 〃There is no economy in that。 Though a patriot; I am
poor; if my own country will not patronise me; I must seek a market
elsewhere。〃
KING (to Prime Minister)。 … 〃Take this blackmailer and cut off his
head。〃
A Talisman
HAVING been summoned to serve as a juror; a Prominent Citizen sent
a physician's certificate stating that he was afflicted with
softening of the brain。
〃The gentleman is excused;〃 said the Judge; handing back the
certificate to the person who had brought it; 〃he has a brain。〃
The Ancient Order
HARDLY had that ancient order; the Sultans of Exceeding Splendour;
been completely founded by the Grand Flashing Inaccessible; when a
question arose as to what should be the title of address among the
members。 Some wanted it to be simply 〃my Lord;〃 others held out
for 〃your Dukeness;〃 and still others preferred 〃my Sovereign
Liege。〃 Finally the gorgeous jewel of the order; gleaming upon the
breast of every member; suggested 〃your Badgesty;〃 which was
adopted; and the order became popularly known as the Kings of
Catarrh。
A Fatal Disorder
A DYING Man who had been shot was requested by officers of the law
to make a statement; and be quick about it。
〃You were assaulted without provocation; of course;〃 said the
District Attorney; preparing to set down the answer。
〃No;〃 replied the Dying Man; 〃I was the aggressor。〃
〃Yes; I understand;〃 said the District Attorney; 〃you committed the
aggression … you were compelled to; as it were。 You did it in
self…defence。〃
〃I don't think he would have hurt me if I had let him alone;〃 said
the other。 〃No; I fancy he was a man of peace; and would not have
hurt a fly。 I brought such a pressure to bear on him that he
naturally had to yield … he couldn't hold out。 If he had refused
to shoot me I don't see how I could decently have continued his
acquaintance。〃
〃Good Heavens!〃 exclaimed the District Attorney; throwing down his
note…book and pencil; 〃this is all quite irregular。 I can't make
use of such an ante…mortem statement as that。〃
〃I never before knew a man to tell the truth;〃 said the Chief of
Police; 〃when dying of violence。〃
〃Violence nothing!〃 the Police Surgeon said; pulling out and
inspecting the man's tongue … 〃it is the truth that is killing
him。〃
The Massacre
SOME Holy Missionaries in China having been deprived of life by the
Bigoted Heathens; the Christian Press made a note of it; and was
greatly pained to point out the contrast between the Bigoted
Heathens and the law…abiding countrymen of the Holy Missionaries
who had wickedly been sent to eternal bliss。
〃Yes;〃 assented a Miserable Sinner; as he finished reading the
articles; 〃the Heathens of Ying Shing are deceitful above all
things and desperately wicked。 By the way;〃 he added; turning over
the paper to read the entertaining and instructive Fables; 〃I know
the Heathenese lingo。 Ying Shing means Rock Creek; it is in the
Province of Wyo Ming。〃
A Ship and a Man
SEEING a ship sailing by upon the sea of politics; an Ambitious
Person started in hot pursuit along the strand; but the people's
eyes being fixed upon the Presidency no one observed the pursuer。
This greatly annoyed him; and recollecting that he was not aquatic;
he stopped and shouted across the waves' tumultous roar:
〃Take my name off the passenger list。〃
Back to him over the waters; hollow and heartless; like laughter in
a tomb; rang the voice of the Skipper:
〃'T ain't on!〃
And there; in the focus of a million pairs of convergent eyes; the
Ambitious Person sat him down between the sun and moon and murmured
sadly to his own soul:
〃Marooned; by thunder!〃
Congress and the People
SUCCESSIVE Congresses having greatly impoverished the People; they
were discouraged and wept copiously。
〃Why do you weep?〃 inquired an Angel who had perched upon a fence
near by。
〃They have taken all we have;〃 replied the People … 〃excepting;〃
they added; noting the suggestive visitant … 〃excepting our hope in
heaven。 Thank God; they cannot deprive us of that!〃
But at last came the Congress of 1889。
The Justice and His Accuser