fantastic fables-第14节
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A FOGY who lived in a cave near a great caravan route returned to
his home one day and saw； near by； a great concourse of men and
animals； and in their midst a tower； at the foot of which something
with wheels smoked and panted like an exhausted horse。 He sought
the Sheik of the Outfit。
〃What sin art thou committing now； O son of a Christian dog？〃 said
the Fogy； with a truly Oriental politeness。
〃Boring for water； you black…and…tan galoot！〃 replied the Sheik of
the Outfit； with that ready repartee which distinguishes the
Unbeliever。
〃Knowest thou not； thou whelp of darkness and father of disordered
livers；〃 cried the Fogy； 〃that water will cause grass to spring up
here； and trees； and possibly even flowers？ Knowest thou not； that
thou art； in truth； producing an oasis？〃
〃And don't you know；〃 said the Sheik of the Outfit； 〃that caravans
will then stop here for rest and refreshments； giving you a chance
to steal the camels； the horses； and the goods？〃
〃May the wild hog defile my grave； but thou speakest wisdom！〃 the
Fogy replied； with the dignity of his race； extending his hand。
〃Sheik。〃
They shook。
At Heaven's Gate
HAVING arisen from the tomb； a Woman presented herself at the gate
of Heaven； and knocked with a trembling hand。
〃Madam；〃 said Saint Peter； rising and approaching the wicket；
〃whence do you come？〃
〃From San Francisco；〃 replied the Woman； with embarrassment； as
great beads of perspiration spangled her spiritual brow。
〃Never mind； my good girl；〃 the Saint said； compassionately。
〃Eternity is a long time； you can live that down。〃
〃But that； if you please； is not all。〃 The Woman was growing more
and more confused。 〃I poisoned my husband。 I chopped up my
babies。 I … 〃
〃Ah；〃 said the Saint； with sudden austerity； 〃your confession
suggests a very grave possibility。 Were you a member of the
Women's Press Association？〃
The lady drew herself up and replied with warmth：
〃I was not。〃
The gates of pearl and jasper swung back upon their golden hinges；
making the most ravishing music； and the Saint； stepping aside；
bowed low； saying：
〃Enter； then； into thine eternal rest。〃
But the Woman hesitated。
〃The poisoning … the chopping … the … the … 〃 she stammered。
〃Of no consequence； I assure you。 We are not going to be hard on a
lady who did not belong to the Women's Press Association。 Take a
harp。〃
〃But I applied for membership … I was blackballed。〃
〃Take two harps。〃
The Catted Anarchist
AN Anarchist Orator who had been struck in the face with a Dead Cat
by some Respector of Law to him unknown； had the Dead Cat arrested
and taken before a Magistrate。
〃Why do you appeal to the law？〃 said the Magistrate … 〃You who go
in for the abolition of law。〃
〃That；〃 replied the Anarchist； who was not without a certain
hardness of head； 〃that is none of your business； I am not bound to
be consistent。 You sit here to do justice between me and this Dead
Cat。〃
〃Very well；〃 said the Magistrate； putting on the black cap and a
solemn look； 〃as the accused makes no defence； and is undoubtedly
guilty； I sentence her to be eaten by the public executioner； and
as that position happens to be vacant； I appoint you to it； without
bonds。〃
One of the most delighted spectators at the execution was the
anonymous Respector of Law who had flung the condemned。
The Honourable Member
A MEMBER of a Legislature； who had pledged himself to his
Constituents not to steal； brought home at the end of the session a
large part of the dome of the Capitol。 Thereupon the Constituents
held an indignation meeting and passed a resolution of tar and
feathers。
〃You are most unjust；〃 said the Member of the Legislature。 〃It is
true I promised you I would not steal； but had I ever promised you
that I would not lie？〃
The Constituents said he was an honourable man and elected him to
the United States Congress； unpledged and unfledged。
The Expatriated Boss
A BOSS who had gone to Canada was taunted by a Citizen of Montreal
with having fled to avoid prosecution。
〃You do me a grave injustice；〃 said the Boss； parting with a pair
of tears。 〃I came to Canada solely because of its political
attractions； its Government is the most corrupt in the world。〃
〃Pray forgive me；〃 said the Citizen of Montreal。
They fell upon each other's neck； and at the conclusion of that
touching rite the Boss had two watches。
An Inadequate Fee
AN Ox； unable to extricate himself from the mire into which he
sank； was advised to make use of a Political Pull。 When the
Political Pull had arrived； the Ox said： 〃My good friend； please
make fast to me； and let nature take her course。〃
So the Political Pull made fast to the Ox's head and nature took
her course。 The Ox was drawn； first； from the mire； and； next；
from his skin。 Then the Political Pull looked back upon the good
fat carcase of beef that he was dragging to his lair and said； with
a discontented spirit：
〃That is hardly my customary fee； I'll take home this first
instalment； then return and bring an action for salvage against the
skin。〃
The Judge and the Plaintiff
A MAN of Experience in Business was awaiting the judgment of the
Court in an action for damages which he had brought against a
railway company。 The door opened and the Judge of the Court
entered。
〃Well；〃 said he； 〃I am going to decide your case to…day。 If I
should decide in your favour； I wonder how you would express your
satisfaction？〃
〃Sir；〃 said the Man of Experience in Business； 〃I should risk your
anger by offering you one half the sum awarded。〃
〃Did I say I was going to decide that case？〃 said the Judge；
abruptly； as if awakening from a dream。 〃Dear me； how absent…
minded I am。 I mean I have already decided it； and judgment has
been entered for the full amount that you sued for。〃
〃Did I say I would give you one half？〃 said the Man of Experience
in Business； coldly。 〃Dear me； how near I came to being a rascal。
I mean； that I am greatly obliged to you。〃
The Return of the Representative
HEARING that the Legislature had adjourned； the people of an
Assembly District held a mass…meeting to devise a suitable
punishment for their representative。 By one speaker it was
proposed that he be disembowelled； by another that he be made to
run the gauntlet。 Some favoured hanging； some thought that it
would do him good to appear in a suit of tar and feathers。 An old
man； famous for his wisdom and his habit of drooling on his shirt…
front； suggested that they first catch their hare。 So the Chairman
appointed a committee to watch for the victim at midnight； and take
him as he should attempt to sneak into town across…lots from the
tamarack swamp。 At this point in the proceedings they were
interrupted by the sound of a brass band。 Their dishonoured
representative was driving up from the railway station in a coach…
and…four； with music and a banner。 A few moments later he entered
the hall； went upon the platform； and said it was the proudest
moment of his life。 （Cheers。）
A Statesman
A STATESMAN who attended a meeting of a Chamber of Commerce rose to
speak； but was objected to on the ground that he had nothing to do
with commerce。
〃Mr。 Chairman；〃 said an Aged Member； rising； 〃I conceive that the
objection is not well taken； the gentleman's connection with
commerce is close and intimate。 He is a Commodity。〃
Two Dogs
THE Dog； as created； had a rigid tail； but after some centuries of
a cheerless existence； unappreciated by Man； who made him work for
his living； he implored the Creator to endow him with a wag。 This
being done he was able to dissemble his resentment with a sign of
affection； and the earth was his and the fulness thereof。
Observing this； the Politician （an animal created later） petitioned
that a wag might be given him too。 As he was incaudate it was
conferred upon his chin； which he now wags with great profit and
gratification except when he is at his meals。
Three Recruits
A FARMER； an Artisan； and a L
