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第14节

fantastic fables-第14节

小说: fantastic fables 字数: 每页4000字

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A FOGY who lived in a cave near a great caravan route returned to 



his home one day and saw; near by; a great concourse of men and 



animals; and in their midst a tower; at the foot of which something 



with wheels smoked and panted like an exhausted horse。  He sought 



the Sheik of the Outfit。







〃What sin art thou committing now; O son of a Christian dog?〃 said 



the Fogy; with a truly Oriental politeness。







〃Boring for water; you black…and…tan galoot!〃 replied the Sheik of 



the Outfit; with that ready repartee which distinguishes the 



Unbeliever。







〃Knowest thou not; thou whelp of darkness and father of disordered 



livers;〃 cried the Fogy; 〃that water will cause grass to spring up 



here; and trees; and possibly even flowers?  Knowest thou not; that 



thou art; in truth; producing an oasis?〃







〃And don't you know;〃 said the Sheik of the Outfit; 〃that caravans 



will then stop here for rest and refreshments; giving you a chance 



to steal the camels; the horses; and the goods?〃







〃May the wild hog defile my grave; but thou speakest wisdom!〃 the 



Fogy replied; with the dignity of his race; extending his hand。  



〃Sheik。〃







They shook。















At Heaven's Gate















HAVING arisen from the tomb; a Woman presented herself at the gate 



of Heaven; and knocked with a trembling hand。







〃Madam;〃 said Saint Peter; rising and approaching the wicket; 



〃whence do you come?〃







〃From San Francisco;〃 replied the Woman; with embarrassment; as 



great beads of perspiration spangled her spiritual brow。







〃Never mind; my good girl;〃 the Saint said; compassionately。  



〃Eternity is a long time; you can live that down。〃







〃But that; if you please; is not all。〃  The Woman was growing more 



and more confused。  〃I poisoned my husband。  I chopped up my 



babies。  I … 〃







〃Ah;〃 said the Saint; with sudden austerity; 〃your confession 



suggests a very grave possibility。  Were you a member of the 



Women's Press Association?〃







The lady drew herself up and replied with warmth:







〃I was not。〃







The gates of pearl and jasper swung back upon their golden hinges; 



making the most ravishing music; and the Saint; stepping aside; 



bowed low; saying:







〃Enter; then; into thine eternal rest。〃







But the Woman hesitated。







〃The poisoning … the chopping … the … the … 〃 she stammered。







〃Of no consequence; I assure you。  We are not going to be hard on a 



lady who did not belong to the Women's Press Association。  Take a 



harp。〃







〃But I applied for membership … I was blackballed。〃







〃Take two harps。〃















The Catted Anarchist















AN Anarchist Orator who had been struck in the face with a Dead Cat 



by some Respector of Law to him unknown; had the Dead Cat arrested 



and taken before a Magistrate。







〃Why do you appeal to the law?〃 said the Magistrate … 〃You who go 



in for the abolition of law。〃







〃That;〃 replied the Anarchist; who was not without a certain 



hardness of head; 〃that is none of your business; I am not bound to 



be consistent。  You sit here to do justice between me and this Dead 



Cat。〃







〃Very well;〃 said the Magistrate; putting on the black cap and a 



solemn look; 〃as the accused makes no defence; and is undoubtedly 



guilty; I sentence her to be eaten by the public executioner; and 



as that position happens to be vacant; I appoint you to it; without 



bonds。〃







One of the most delighted spectators at the execution was the 



anonymous Respector of Law who had flung the condemned。















The Honourable Member















A MEMBER of a Legislature; who had pledged himself to his 



Constituents not to steal; brought home at the end of the session a 



large part of the dome of the Capitol。  Thereupon the Constituents 



held an indignation meeting and passed a resolution of tar and 



feathers。







〃You are most unjust;〃 said the Member of the Legislature。  〃It is 



true I promised you I would not steal; but had I ever promised you 



that I would not lie?〃







The Constituents said he was an honourable man and elected him to 



the United States Congress; unpledged and unfledged。















The Expatriated Boss















A BOSS who had gone to Canada was taunted by a Citizen of Montreal 



with having fled to avoid prosecution。







〃You do me a grave injustice;〃 said the Boss; parting with a pair 



of tears。  〃I came to Canada solely because of its political 



attractions; its Government is the most corrupt in the world。〃







〃Pray forgive me;〃 said the Citizen of Montreal。







They fell upon each other's neck; and at the conclusion of that 



touching rite the Boss had two watches。















An Inadequate Fee















AN Ox; unable to extricate himself from the mire into which he 



sank; was advised to make use of a Political Pull。  When the 



Political Pull had arrived; the Ox said: 〃My good friend; please 



make fast to me; and let nature take her course。〃







So the Political Pull made fast to the Ox's head and nature took 



her course。  The Ox was drawn; first; from the mire; and; next; 



from his skin。  Then the Political Pull looked back upon the good 



fat carcase of beef that he was dragging to his lair and said; with 



a discontented spirit:







〃That is hardly my customary fee; I'll take home this first 



instalment; then return and bring an action for salvage against the 



skin。〃















The Judge and the Plaintiff















A MAN of Experience in Business was awaiting the judgment of the 



Court in an action for damages which he had brought against a 



railway company。  The door opened and the Judge of the Court 



entered。







〃Well;〃 said he; 〃I am going to decide your case to…day。  If I 



should decide in your favour; I wonder how you would express your 



satisfaction?〃







〃Sir;〃 said the Man of Experience in Business; 〃I should risk your 



anger by offering you one half the sum awarded。〃







〃Did I say I was going to decide that case?〃 said the Judge; 



abruptly; as if awakening from a dream。  〃Dear me; how absent…



minded I am。  I mean I have already decided it; and judgment has 



been entered for the full amount that you sued for。〃







〃Did I say I would give you one half?〃 said the Man of Experience 



in Business; coldly。  〃Dear me; how near I came to being a rascal。  



I mean; that I am greatly obliged to you。〃















The Return of the Representative















HEARING that the Legislature had adjourned; the people of an 



Assembly District held a mass…meeting to devise a suitable 



punishment for their representative。  By one speaker it was 



proposed that he be disembowelled; by another that he be made to 



run the gauntlet。  Some favoured hanging; some thought that it 



would do him good to appear in a suit of tar and feathers。  An old 



man; famous for his wisdom and his habit of drooling on his shirt…



front; suggested that they first catch their hare。  So the Chairman 



appointed a committee to watch for the victim at midnight; and take 



him as he should attempt to sneak into town across…lots from the 



tamarack swamp。  At this point in the proceedings they were 



interrupted by the sound of a brass band。  Their dishonoured 



representative was driving up from the railway station in a coach…



and…four; with music and a banner。  A few moments later he entered 



the hall; went upon the platform; and said it was the proudest 



moment of his life。 (Cheers。)















A Statesman















A STATESMAN who attended a meeting of a Chamber of Commerce rose to 



speak; but was objected to on the ground that he had nothing to do 



with commerce。







〃Mr。 Chairman;〃 said an Aged Member; rising; 〃I conceive that the 



objection is not well taken; the gentleman's connection with 



commerce is close and intimate。  He is a Commodity。〃















Two Dogs















THE Dog; as created; had a rigid tail; but after some centuries of 



a cheerless existence; unappreciated by Man; who made him work for 



his living; he implored the Creator to endow him with a wag。  This 



being done he was able to dissemble his resentment with a sign of 



affection; and the earth was his and the fulness thereof。  



Observing this; the Politician (an animal created later) petitioned 



that a wag might be given him too。  As he was incaudate it was 



conferred upon his chin; which he now wags with great profit and 



gratification except when he is at his meals。















Three Recruits















A FARMER; an Artisan; and a L

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