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第10节

fantastic fables-第10节

小说: fantastic fables 字数: 每页4000字

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〃No;〃 the judge said; thoughtfully; 〃no; that would be quite 



irregular。  I do not sit to…day as a committing magistrate。〃















The Prerogative of Might















A SLANDER travelling rapidly through the land upon its joyous 



mission was accosted by a Retraction and commanded to halt and be 



killed。







〃Your career of mischief is at an end;〃 said the Retraction; 



drawing his club; rolling up his sleeves; and spitting on his 



hands。







〃Why should you slay me?〃 protested the Slander。  〃Whatever my 



intentions were; I have been innocuous; for you have dogged my 



strides and counteracted my influence。〃







〃Dogged your grandmother!〃 said the Retraction; with contemptuous 



vulgarity of speech。  〃In the order of nature it is appointed that 



we two shall never travel the same road。〃







〃How then;〃 the Slander asked; triumphantly; 〃have you overtaken 



me?〃







〃I have not;〃 replied the Retraction; 〃we have accidentally met。  I 



came round the world the other way。〃







But when he tried to execute his fell purpose he found that in the 



order of nature it was appointed that he himself perish miserably 



in the encounter。















An Inflated Ambition















THE President of a great Corporation went into a dry…goods shop and 



saw a placard which read:







〃If You Don't See What You Want; Ask For It。〃







Approaching the shopkeeper; who had been narrowly observing him as 



he read the placard; he was about to speak; when the shopkeeper 



called to a salesman:







〃John; show this gentleman the world。〃















Rejected Services















A HEAVY Operator overtaken by a Reverse of Fortune was bewailing 



his sudden fall from affluence to indigence。







〃Do not weep;〃 said the Reverse of Fortune。  〃You need not suffer 



alone。  Name any one of the men who have opposed your schemes; and 



I will overtake HIM。〃







〃It is hardly worth while;〃 said the victim; earnestly。  〃Not a 



soul of them has a cent!〃















The Power of the Scalawag















A FORESTRY Commissioner had just felled a giant tree when; seeing 



an honest man approaching; he dropped his axe and fled。  The next 



day when he cautiously returned to get his axe; he found the 



following lines pencilled on the stump:







〃What nature reared by centuries of toil;



A scalawag in half a day can spoil;



An equal fate for him may Heaven provide …



Damned in the moment of his tallest pride。〃















At Large … One Temper















A TURBULENT Person was brought before a Judge to be tried for an 



assault with intent to commit murder; and it was proved that he had 



been variously obstreperous without apparent provocation; had 



affected the peripheries of several luckless fellow…citizens with 



the trunk of a small tree; and subsequently cleaned out the town。  



While trying to palliate these misdeeds; the defendant's Attorney 



turned suddenly to the Judge; saying:







〃Did your Honour ever lose your temper?〃







〃I fine you twenty…five dollars for contempt of court!〃 roared the 



Judge; in wrath。  〃How dare you mention the loss of my temper in 



connection with this case?〃







After a moment's silence the Attorney said; meekly:







〃I thought my client might perhaps have found it。〃















The Seeker and the Sought















A POLITICIAN seeing a fat Turkey which he wanted for dinner; baited 



a hook with a grain of corn and dragged it before the fowl at the 



end of a long and almost invisible line。  When the Turkey had 



swallowed the hook; the Politician ran; drawing the creature after 



him。







〃Fellow…citizens;〃 he cried; addressing some turkey…breeders whom 



he met; 〃you observe that the man does not seek the bird; but the 



bird seeks the man。  For this unsolicited and unexpected dinner I 



thank you with all my heart。〃















His Fly…Speck Majesty















A DISTINGUISHED Advocate of Republican Institutions was seen 



pickling his shins in the ocean。







〃Why don't you come out on dry land?〃 said the Spectator。  〃What 



are you in there for?〃







〃Sir;〃 replied the Distinguished Advocate of Republican 



Institutions; 〃a ship is expected; bearing His Majesty the King of 



the Fly…Speck Islands; and I wish to be the first to grasp the 



crowned hand。〃







〃But;〃 said the Spectator; 〃you said in your famous speech before 



the Society for the Prevention of the Protrusion of Nail Heads from 



Plank Sidewalks that Kings were blood…smeared oppressors and hell…



bound loafers。〃







〃My dear sir;〃 said the Distinguished Advocate of Republican 



Institutions; without removing his eyes from the horizon; 〃you 



wander away into the strangest irrelevancies!  I spoke of Kings in 



the abstract。〃















The Pugilist's Diet















THE Trainer of a Pugilist consulted a Physician regarding the 



champion's diet。







〃Beef…steaks are too tender;〃 said the Physician; 〃have his meat 



cut from the neck of a bull。〃







〃I thought the steaks more digestible;〃 the Trainer explained。







〃That is very true;〃 said the Physician; 〃but they do not 



sufficiently exercise the chin。〃















The Old Man and the Pupil















A BEAUTIFUL Old Man; meeting a Sunday…school Pupil; laid his hand 



tenderly upon the lad's head; saying: 〃Listen; my son; to the words 



of the wise and heed the advice of the righteous。〃







〃All right;〃 said the Sunday…school Pupil; 〃go ahead。〃







〃Oh; I haven't anything to do with it myself;〃 said the Beautiful 



Old Man。  〃I am only observing one of the customs of the age。  I am 



a pirate。〃







And when he had taken his hand from the lad's head; the latter 



observed that his hair was full of clotted blood。  Then the 



Beautiful Old Man went his way; instructing other youth。















The Deceased and his Heirs















A MAN died leaving a large estate and many sorrowful relations who 



claimed it。  After some years; when all but one had had judgment 



given against them; that one was awarded the estate; which he asked 



his Attorney to have appraised。







〃There is nothing to appraise;〃 said the Attorney; pocketing his 



last fee。







〃Then;〃 said the Successful Claimant; 〃what good has all this 



litigation done me?〃







〃You have been a good client to me;〃 the Attorney replied; 



gathering up his books and papers; 〃but I must say you betray a 



surprising ignorance of the purpose of litigation。〃















The Politicians and the Plunder















SEVERAL Political Entities were dividing the spoils。







〃I will take the management of the prisons;〃 said a Decent Respect 



for Public Opinion; 〃and make a radical change。〃







〃And I;〃 said the Blotted Escutcheon; 〃will retain my present 



general connection with affairs; while my friend here; the Soiled 



Ermine; will remain in the Judiciary。〃







The Political Pot said it would not boil any more unless 



replenished from the Filthy Pool。







The Cohesive Power of Public Plunder quietly remarked that the two 



bosses would; he supposed; naturally be his share。







〃No;〃 said the Depth of Degradation; 〃they have already fallen to 



me。〃















The Man and the Wart















A PERSON with a Wart on His Nose met a Person Similarly Afflicted; 



and said:







〃Let me propose your name for membership in the Imperial Order of 



Abnormal Proboscidians; of which I am the High Noble Toby and 



Surreptitious Treasurer。  Two months ago I was the only member。  



One month ago there were two。  To…day we number four Emperors of 



the Abnormal Proboscis in good standing … doubles every four weeks; 



see?  That's geometrical progression … you know how that piles up。  



In a year and a half every man in California will have a wart on 



his Nose。  Powerful Order!  Initiation; five dollars。〃







〃My friend;〃 said the Person Similarly Afflicted; 〃here are five 



dollars。  Keep my name off your books。〃







〃Thank you kindly;〃 the Man with a Wart on His Nose replied; 



pocketing the money; 〃it is just the same to us as if you joined。  



Good…by。〃







He went away; but in a little while he was back。







〃I quite forgot to mention the monthly dues;〃 he said。















The Divided Delegation















A DELEGATION at Washington went to a New President; and said:







〃Your Excellency; we are unable to agree upon a Favourite Son to 



represent us in your Cabinet。〃







〃Then;〃 said the New President; 〃I shall have to lock you up until 



you d

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