the expedition of humphry clinker-第80节

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very　good…humoured；　talks　much；　and　laughs　without　ceasing。　I　am
told　that　all　the　use　he　makes　of　his　understanding　at　present；
is　to　excite　mirth；　by　exhibiting　his　guests　in　ludicrous
attitudes。　I　know　not　how　far　we　may　furnish　him　with
entertainment　of　this　kind；　but　I　am　resolved　to　beat　up　his
quarters；　partly　with　a　view　to　laugh　with　the　knight　himself；
and　partly　to　pay　my　respects　to　his　lady；　a　good…natured
sensible　woman；　with　whom　he　lives　upon　very　easy　terms；　although
she　has　not　had　the　good　fortune　to　bring　him　an　heir　to　his
estate。

And　now；　dear　Dick；　I　must　tell　you　for　your　comfort；　that　you
are　the　only　man　upon　earth　to　whom　I　would　presume　to　send　such
a　longwinded　epistle；　which　I　could　not　find　in　my　heart　to
curtail；　because　the　subject　interested　the　warmest　passions　of
my　heart；　neither　will　I　make　any　other　apology　to　a
correspondent　who　has　been　so　long　accustomed　to　the　impertinence
of

MATT。　BRAMBLE
Sept。　30。




To　Sir　WATKIN　PHILLIPS；　Bart。　at　Oxon。

DEAR　KNIGHT；

I　believe　there　is　something　mischievous　in　my　disposition；　for
nothing　diverts　me　so　much　as　to　see　certain　characters　tormented
with　false　terrors。　　We　last　night　lodged　at　the　house　of　Sir
Thomas　Bullford；　an　old　friend　of　my　uncle；　a　jolly　fellow；　of
moderate　intellects；　who；　in　spite　of　the　gout；　which　hath　lamed
him；　is　resolved　to　be　merry　to　the　last；　and　mirth　he　has　a
particular　knack　in　extracting　from　his　guests；　let　their　humour
be　ever　so　caustic　or　refractory。　　Besides　our　company；　there　was
in　the　house　a　fat…headed　justice　of　the　peace；　called　Frogmore；
and　a　country　practitioner　in　surgery；　who　seemed　to　be　our
landlord's　chief　companion　and　confidant。　　We　found　the　knight
sitting　on　a　couch；　with　his　crutches　by　his　side；　and　his　feet
supported　on　cushions；　but　he　received　us　with　a　hearty　welcome；
and　seemed　greatly　rejoiced　at　our　arrival。　　After　tea；　we　were
entertained　with　a　sonata　on　the　harpsichord　by　lady　Bullford；
who　sung　and　played　to　admiration；　but　Sir　Thomas　seemed　to　be　a
little　asinine　in　the　article　of　ears；　though　he　affected　to　be
in　raptures；　and　begged　his　wife　to　favour　us　with　an　arietta　of
her　own　composing。　　This　arietta；　however；　she　no　sooner　began　to
perform；　than　he　and　the　justice　fell　asleep；　but　the　moment　she
ceased　playing；　the　knight　waked　snorting；　and　exclaimed；　'O
cara！　what　d'ye　think；　gentlemen？　Will　you　talk　any　more　of　your
Pargolesi　and　your　Corelli？'　　At　the　same　time；　he　thrust　his
tongue　in　one　cheek；　and　leered　with　one　eye　at　the　doctor　and
me；　who　sat　on　his　left　hand。　He　concluded　the　pantomime　with　a
loud　laugh；　which　he　could　command　at　all　times　extempore。　
Notwithstanding　his　disorder；　he　did　not　do　penance　at　supper；
nor　did　he　ever　refuse　his　glass　when　the　toast　went　round；　but
rather　encouraged　a　quick　circulation；　both　by　precept　and
example。

I　soon　perceived　the　doctor　had　made　himself　very　necessary　to
the　baronet。　　He　was　the　whetstone　of　his　wit；　the　butt　of　his
satire；　and　his　operator　in　certain　experiments　of　humour；　which
were　occasionally　tried　upon　strangers。　　Justice　Frogmore　was　an
excellent　subject　for　this　species　of　philosophy；　sleek　and
corpulent；　solemn；　and　shallow；　he　had　studied　Burn　with
uncommon　application；　but　he　studied　nothing　so　much　as　the　art
of　living　（that　is；　eating）　well　　This　fat　buck　had　often
afforded　good　sport　to　our　landlord；　and　he　was　frequently
started　with　tolerable　success；　in　the　course　of　this　evening；
but　the　baronet's　appetite　for　ridicule　seemed　to　be　chiefly
excited　by　the　appearance；　address；　and　conversation　of
Lismahago；　whom　he　attempted　in　all　different　modes　of
exposition；　but　he　put　me　in　mind　of　a　contest　that　I　once　saw
betwixt　a　young　hound　and　an　old　hedge…hog　　The　dog　turned　him
over　and　over；　and　bounced　and　barked；　and　mumbled；　but　as　often
as　he　attempted　to　bite；　he　felt　a　prickle　in　his　jaws；　and
recoiled　in　manifest　confusion；　　The　captain；　when　left　to
himself；　will　not　fail　to　turn　his　ludicrous　side　to　the　company；
but　if　any　man　attempts　to　force　him　into　that　attitude；　he
becomes　stubborn　as　a　mule；　and　unmanageable　as　an　elephant
unbroke。

Divers　tolerable　jokes　were　cracked　upon　the　justice；　who　eat　a
most　unconscionable　supper；　and；　among　other　things；　a　large
plate　of　broiled　mushrooms；　which　he　had　no　sooner　swallowed　than
the　doctor　observed；　with　great　gravity；　that　they　were　of　the
kind　called　champignons；　which　in　some　constitutions　has　a
poisonous　effect。　　Mr　Frogmore　startled　at　this　remark；　asked；　in
some　confusion；　why　he　had　not　been　so　kind　as　to　give　him　that
notice　sooner。　　He　answered；　that　he　took　it　for　granted；　by　his
eating　them　so　heartily；　that　he　was　used　to　the　dish；　but　as　he
seemed　to　be　under　some　apprehension；　he　prescribed　a　bumper　of
plague　water；　which　the　justice　drank　off　immediately；　and
retired　to　rest；　not　without　marks　of　terror　and　disquiet。

At　midnight　we　were　shewn　to　our　different　chambers；　and　in　half
an　hour；　I　was　fast　asleep　in　bed；　but　about　three　o'clock　in　the
morning　I　was　waked　with　a　dismal　cry　of　Fire！　and　starting　up；
ran　to　the　window　in　my　shirt。　　The　night　was　dark　and　stormy；
and　a　number　of　people　half…dressed　ran　backwards　and　forwards
thro'　the　court…yard；　with　links　and　lanthorns；　seemingly　in　the
utmost　hurry　and　trepidation。　　Slipping　on　my　cloaths　in　a
twinkling；　I　ran　down　stairs；　and；　upon　enquiry；　found　the　fire
was　confined　to　a　back…stair；　which　led　to　a　detached　apartment
where　Lismahago　lay。　　By　this　time；　the　lieutenant　was　alarmed　by
bawling　at　his　window；　which　was　in　the　second　story；　but　he
could　not　find　his　cloaths　in　the　dark；　and　his　room…door　was
locked　on　the　outside。　　The　servants　called　to　him；　that　the
house　had　been　robbed；　that；　without　all　doubt；　the　villains　had
taken　away　his　cloaths；　fastened　the　door；　and　set　the　house　on
fire；　for　the　stair…case　was　in　flames。　　In　this　dilemma　the　poor
lieutenant　ran　about　the　room　naked　like　a　squirrel　in　a　cage；
popping　out　his　bead　at　the　window　between　whiles；　and　imploring
assistance。　　At　length；　the　knight　in　person　was　brought　out　in
his　chair；　attended　by　my　uncle　and　all　the　family；　including　our
aunt　Tabitha；　who　screamed；　and　cried；　and　tore　her　hair；　as　if
she　had　been　distracted　　Sir　Thomas　had　already　ordered　his
people　to　bring　a　long　ladder　which　was　applied　to　the　captain's；
window；　and　now　he　exhorted　him　earnestly　to　descend。　　There　was
no　need　of　much　rhetoric　to　persuade　Lismahago；　who　forthwith
made　his　exit　by　the　window；　roaring　all　the　time　to　the　people
below　to　hold　fast　the　ladder。

Notwithstanding　the　gravity　of　the　occasion；　it　was　impossible　to
behold　this　scene　without　being　seized　with　an　inclination　to
laugh。　The　rueful　aspect　of　the　lieutenant　in　his　shirt；　with　a
quilted　night…cap　fastened　under　his　chin；　and　his　long　lank
limbs　and　posteriors　exposed　to　the　wind；　made　a　very　picturesque
appearance；　when　illumined　by　the　links　and　torches　which　the
servants　held　up　to　light　him　in　his　descent。　　All　the　company
stood　round　the　ladder；　except　the　knight；　who　sat　in　his　chair；
exclaiming　from　time　to　time；　'Lord；　have　mercy　upon　us！　　save
the　gentleman's　life！　　mind　your　footing；　dear　captain！　softly！　
stand　fast！　　clasp　the　ladder　with　both　hands！　　there！　　well
done；　my　dear　boy！　　O　bravo！　　an　old　soldier　for　ever！　　bring　a
blanket　bring　a　warm　blanket　to　comfort　his　poor　carcase　　warm
the　bed　in　the　green　room　　give　me　your　hand；　dear　captain　　I'm
rejoiced　to　see　thee　safe　and　sound　with　all　my　heart。'　Lismahago
was　received　at　the　foot　of　the　ladder　by　his　inamorata；　who
snatching　a　blanket　from　one　of　the　maids；　wrapped　it　about　his
body；　two　men…servants　took　him　under　the　arms；　and　a　female
conducted　him　to　the　green　room；　still　accompanied　by　Mrs
Tabitha；　who　saw　him　fairly　put　to　bed。　　During　this　whole
transaction　he　spoke　not　a　syllable；　but　looked　exceeding　grim；
sometimes　at　one；　sometimes　at　another　of　the　spectators；　who　now
adjourned　in　a　body　to　the　parlour　where　we　had　supped；　every　one
surveying　another　with　marks　of　astonishment　and　curiosity。

The　knight　being　seated　in　an　easy　chair；　seized　my　uncle　by　the
hand；　and　bursting　into　a　long　and　loud　laugh；　'Matt　（cried　he）；
crown　me　with　oak；　or　ivy；　or　laurel；　or　parsely；　or　what　you
will；　and　acknowledge　this　to　be　a　coup　de　maitre　in　the　way　of
waggery　　ha；　ha；　ha！　　Such　a　camisciata；　scagliata；　beffata！　O；
che　roba！　O；　what　a　subject！　　O；　what　caricatura！　　O；　for　a　Rosa；
a　Rembrandt；　a　Schalken！　　Zooks；　I'll　give　a　hundred　guineas　to
have　it　painted！　　what　a　fine　descent　from　the　cross；　or　ascent
to　the　gallows！　what　lights　and　shadows！　　what　a　groupe　below！
what　expression　above！　　what　an　aspect！　　did　you　mind　the　aspect？
ha；　ha；　ha！　　and　the　limbs；　and　the　muscles　every　toe　denoted
terror！　ha；　ha；　ha！　　then　the　blanket！　O；　what　costume！　St
Andrew！　St　Lazarus！　St　Barrabas！　　ha；　ha；　ha！'　'After　all　then
（cried　Mr　Bramble　very　gravely）；　this　was　no　more　than　a　false
alarm。　　We　have　been　frightened　out　of　our　beds；　and　almost　out
of　our　senses；　for　the　joke's　sake。'　'Ay；　and　such　a　joke！　（cried
our　land