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第15节

the sorrows of young werther(少年维特的烦恼)-第15节


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delighted;〃 he added; 〃that you take it so lightly。  I am only
sorry that it is already so much spoken of。〃  The circumstance
then began to pain me。 I fancied that every one who sat down; and
even looked at me; was thinking of this incident; and my heart
became embittered。

And now I could plunge a dagger into my bosom; when I hear myself
everywhere pitied; and observe the triumph of my enemies; who say
that this is always the case with vain persons; whose heads are
turned with conceit; who affect to despise forms and such petty;
idle nonsense。

Say what you will of fortitude; but show me the man who can patiently
endure the laughter of fools; when they have obtained an advantage
over him。  'Tis only when their nonsense is without foundation
that one can suffer it without complaint。

March 16。 

Everything conspires against me。  I met Miss B walking to…day。
I could not help joining her; and; when we were at a little distance
from her companions; I expressed my sense of her altered manner
toward me。  〃O Werther!〃 she said; in a tone of emotion; 〃you; who
know my heart; how could you so ill interpret my distress?  What
did I not suffer for you; from the moment you entered the room!
I foresaw it all; a hundred times was I on the point of mentioning
it to you。  I knew that the Ss and Ts; with their husbands;
would quit the room; rather than remain in your company。  I knew
that the count would not break with them: and now so much is said
about it。〃  〃How!〃 I exclaimed; and endeavoured to conceal my
emotion; for all that Adelin had mentioned to me yesterday recurred
to me painfully at that moment。  〃Oh; how much it has already cost
me!〃 said this amiable girl; while her eyes filled with tears。  I
could scarcely contain myself; and was ready to throw myself at
her feet。  〃Explain yourself!〃  I cried。  Tears flowed down her
cheeks。  I became quite frantic。  She wiped them away; without
attempting to conceal them。  〃You know my aunt;〃 she continued;
〃she was present: and in what light does she consider the affair!
Last night; and this morning; Werther; I was compelled to listen
to a lecture upon my; acquaintance with you。  I have been obliged
to hear you condemned and depreciated; and I could not  I dared
not  say much in your defence。〃

Every word she uttered was a dagger to my heart。  She did not feel
what a mercy it would have been to conceal everything from me。
She told me; in addition; all the impertinence that would be further
circulated; and how the malicious would triumph; how they would
rejoice over the punishment of my pride; over my humiliation for
that want of esteem for others with which I had often been reproached。
To hear all this; Wilhelm; uttered by her in a voice of the most
sincere sympathy; awakened all my passions; and I am still in a
state of extreme excitement。  I wish I could find a man to jeer
me about this event。  I would sacrifice him to my resentment。  The
sight of his blood might possibly be a relief to my fury。  A hundred
times have I seized a dagger; to give ease to this oppressed heart。
Naturalists tell of a noble race of horses that instinctively open
a vein with their teeth; when heated and exhausted by a long course;
in order to breathe more freely。  I am often tempted to open a
vein; to procure for myself everlasting liberty。

MARCH 24。 

I have tendered my resignation to the court。  I hope it will be
accepted; and you will forgive me for not having previously consulted
you。  It is necessary I should leave this place。  I know all you
will urge me to stay; and therefore I beg you will soften this
news to my mother。  I am unable to do anything for myself: how;
then; should I be competent to assist others?  It will afflict her
that I should have interrupted that career which would have made
me first a privy councillor; and then minister; and that I should
look behind me; in place of advancing。  Argue as you will; combine
all the reasons which should have induced me to remain; I am going:
that is sufficient。  But; that you may not be ignorant of my
destination; I may mention that the Prince of  is here。  He is
much pleased with my company; and; having heard of my intention
to resign; he has invited me to his country house; to pass the
spring months with him。 I shall be left completely my own master;
and; as we agree on all subjects but one; I shall try my fortune;
and accompany him。

APRIL l9。

Thanks for both your letters。  I delayed my reply; and withheld
this letter; till I should obtain an answer from the court。  I
feared my mother might apply to the minister to defeat my purpose。
But my request is granted; my resignation is accepted。  I shall
not recount with what reluctance it was accorded; nor relate what
the minister has written: you would only renew your lamentations。
The crown prince has sent me a present of five and twenty ducats;
and; indeed; such goodness has affected me to tears。  For this
reason I shall not require from my mother the money for which I
lately applied。

MAY 5。 

I leave this place to…morrow; and; as my native place is only six
miles from the high road; I intend to visit it once more; and
recall the happy dreams of my childhood。  I shall enter at the
same gate through which I came with my mother; when; after my
father's death; she left that delightful retreat to immure herself
in your melancholy town。  Adieu; my dear friend: you shall hear of
my future career。

MAY 9。

I have paid my visit to my native place with all the devotion of
a pilgrim; and have experienced many unexpected emotions。  Near
the great elm tree; which is a quarter of a league from the village;
I got out of the carriage; and sent it on before; that alone; and
on foot; I might enjoy vividly and heartily all the pleasure of
my recollections。  I stood there under that same elm which was
formerly the term and object of my walks。  How things have since
changed!  Then; in happy ignorance; I sighed for a world I did not
know; where I hoped to find every pleasure and enjoyment which my
heart could desire; and now; on my return from that wide world; O
my friend; how many disappointed hopes and unsuccessful plans have
I brought back!

As I contemplated the mountains which lay stretched out before me;
I thought how often they had been the object of my dearest desires。
Here used I to sit for hours together with my eyes bent upon them;
ardently longing to wander in the shade of those woods; to lose
myself in those valleys; which form so delightful an object in the
distance。  With what reluctance did I leave this charming spot;
when my hour of recreation was over; and my leave of absence
expired!  I drew near to the village: all the well…known old
summerhouses and gardens were recognised again; I disliked the new
ones; and all other alterations which had taken place。  I entered
the village; and all my former feelings returned。  I cannot; my
dear friend; enter into details; charming as were my sensations:
they would be dull in the narration。  I had intended to lodge in
the market…place; near our old house。  As soon as I entered; I
perceived that the schoolroom; where our childhood had been taught
by that good old woman; was converted into a shop。  I called to
mind the sorrow; the heaviness; the tears; and oppression of heart;
which I experienced in that confinement。  Every step produced some
particular impression。  A pilgrim in the Holy Land does not meet
so many spots pregnant with tender recollections; and his soul is
hardly moved with greater devotion。  One incident will serve for
illustration。  I followed the course of a stream to a farm; formerly
a delightful walk of mine; and paused at the spot; where; when
boys; we used to amuse ourselves making ducks and drakes upon the
water。  I recollected so well how I used formerly to watch the
course of that same stream; following it with inquiring eagerness;
forming romantic ideas of the countries it was to pass through;
but my imagination was soon exhausted: while the water continued
flowing farther and farther on; till my fancy became bewildered
by the contemplation of an invisible distance。  Exactly such; my
dear friend; so happy and so confined; were the thoughts of our
good ancestors。  Their feelings and their poetry were fresh as
childhood。  And; when Ulysses talks of the immeasurable sea and
boundless earth; his epithets are true; natural; deeply felt; and
mysterious。  Of what importance is it that I have learned; with
every schoolboy; that the world is round?  Man needs but little
earth for enjoyment; and still less for his final repose。

I am at present with the prince at his hunting lodge。  He is a man
with whom one can live happily。 He is honest and unaffected。  There
are; however; some strange characters about him; whom I cannot at
all understand。  They do not seem vicious; and yet they do not
carry the appearance of thoroughly honest men。  Sometimes I am
disposed to believe them honest; and yet I cannot persuade myself
to confide in them。  It grieves me to hear the prince occasionally
talk of things which he has only read or heard of; and always with
the same view in which they have been represented by others。


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