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Fifty 〃Bab〃 Ballads … Much Sound and Little Sense 
Much 
Sound and Little 
Sense 


W。 S。 Gilbert 
1 



Fifty 〃Bab〃 Ballads … Much Sound and Little Sense 

Fifty 〃Bab〃 Ballads … Much Sound and Little Sense 

THE 〃BAB BALLADS〃 appeared originally in the columns of 〃FUN;〃 
when that periodical was under the editorship of the late TOM HOOD。 
They were subsequently republished in two volumes; one called 〃THE 
BAB BALLADS;〃 the other 〃MORE BAB BALLADS。〃 The period 
during which they were written extended over some three or four years; 
many; however; were composed hastily; and under the discomforting 
necessity of having to turn out a quantity of lively verse by a certain day in 
every week。 As it seemed to me (and to others) that the volumes were 
disfigured by the presence of these hastily written impostors; I thought it 
better to withdraw from both volumes such Ballads as seemed to show 
evidence of carelessness or undue haste; and to publish the remainder in 
the compact form under which they are now presented to the reader。 

It may interest some to know that the first of the series; 〃The Yarn of 
the NANCY BELL;〃 was originally offered to 〃PUNCH;〃 … to which I was; 
at that time; an occasional contributor。 It was; however; declined by the 
then Editor; on the ground that it was 〃too cannibalistic for his readers' 
tastes。〃 

W。 S。 GILBERT。 
24 THE BOLTONS; SOUTH KENSINGTON; AUGUST; 1876。 
2 



Fifty 〃Bab〃 Ballads … Much Sound and Little Sense 

Fifty 〃Bab〃 Ballads … Much Sound and Little Sense 

OF all the ships upon the blue; No ship contained a better crew Than 
that of worthy CAPTAIN REECE; Commanding of THE 
MANTELPIECE。 

He was adored by all his men; For worthy CAPTAIN REECE; R。N。; 
Did all that lay within him to Promote the comfort of his crew。 

If ever they were dull or sad; Their captain danced to them like mad; 
Or told; to make the time pass by; Droll legends of his infancy。 

A feather bed had every man; Warm slippers and hot…water can; Brown 
windsor from the captain's store; A valet; too; to every four。 

Did they with thirst in summer burn; Lo; seltzogenes at every turn; 
And on all very sultry days Cream ices handed round on trays。 

Then currant wine and ginger pops Stood handily on all the 〃tops;〃 
And also; with amusement rife; A 〃Zoetrope; or Wheel of Life。〃 

New volumes came across the sea From MISTER MUDIE'S libraree; 
THE TIMES and SATURDAY REVIEW Beguiled the leisure of the crew。 

Kind…hearted CAPTAIN REECE; R。N。; Was quite devoted to his men; 
In point of fact; good CAPTAIN REECE Beatified THE MANTELPIECE。 

One summer eve; at half…past ten; He said (addressing all his men): 
〃Come; tell me; please; what I can do To please and gratify my crew。 

〃By any reasonable plan I'll make you happy if I can; My own 
convenience count as NIL: It is my duty; and I will。〃 

Then up and answered WILLIAM LEE (The kindly captain's coxswain 
he; A nervous; shy; low…spoken man); He cleared his throat and thus 
began: 

〃You have a daughter; CAPTAIN REECE; Ten female cousins and a 
niece; A Ma; if what I'm told is true; Six sisters; and an aunt or two。 

〃Now; somehow; sir; it seems to me; More friendly…like we all should 
be; If you united of 'em to Unmarried members of the crew。 

〃If you'd ameliorate our life; Let each select from them a wife; And as 
for nervous me; old pal; Give me your own enchanting gal!〃 

Good CAPTAIN REECE; that worthy man; Debated on his coxswain's 

3 



Fifty 〃Bab〃 Ballads … Much Sound and Little Sense 

Fifty 〃Bab〃 Ballads … Much Sound and Little Sense 

〃My daughter; that enchanting gurl; Has just been promised to an Earl; 
And all my other familee To peers of various degree。 

〃But what are dukes and viscounts to The happiness of all my crew? 
The word I gave you I'll fulfil; It is my duty; and I will。 

〃As you desire it shall befall; I'll settle thousands on you all; And I 
shall be; despite my hoard; The only bachelor on board。〃 

The boatswain of THE MANTELPIECE; He blushed and spoke to 
CAPTAIN REECE: 〃I beg your honour's leave;〃 he said; 〃If you would 
wish to go and wed; 

〃I have a widowed mother who Would be the very thing for you … She 
long has loved you from afar: She washes for you; CAPTAIN R。〃 

The Captain saw the dame that day … Addressed her in his playful way 

… 〃And did it want a wedding ring? It was a tempting ickle sing! 
〃Well; well; the chaplain I will seek; We'll all be married this day week 
At yonder church upon the hill; It is my duty; and I will!〃 
The sisters; cousins; aunts; and niece; And widowed Ma of CAPTAIN 
REECE; Attended there as they were bid; It was their duty; and they did。 

4 



Fifty 〃Bab〃 Ballads … Much Sound and Little Sense 

Fifty 〃Bab〃 Ballads … Much Sound and Little Sense 

LIST while the poet trolls Of MR。 CLAYTON HOOPER; Who had a 
cure of souls At Spiffton…extra…Sooper。 

He lived on curds and whey; And daily sang their praises; And then 
he'd go and play With buttercups and daisies。 

Wild croquet HOOPER banned; And all the sports of Mammon; He 
warred with cribbage; and He exorcised backgammon。 

His helmet was a glance That spoke of holy gladness; A saintly smile 
his lance; His shield a tear of sadness。 

His Vicar smiled to see This armour on him buckled: With pardonable 
glee He blessed himself and chuckled。 

〃In mildness to abound My curate's sole design is; In all the country 
round There's none so mild as mine is!〃 

And HOOPER; disinclined His trumpet to be blowing; Yet didn't think 
you'd find A milder curate going。 

A friend arrived one day At Spiffton…extra…Sooper; And in this 
shameful way He spoke to Mr。 HOOPER: 

〃You think your famous name For mildness can't be shaken; That none 
can blot your fame … But; HOOPER; you're mistaken! 

〃Your mind is not as blank As that of HOPLEY PORTER; Who holds 
a curate's rank At Assesmilk…cum…Worter。 

〃HE plays the airy flute; And looks depressed and blighted; Doves 
round about him 'toot;' And lambkins dance delighted。 

〃HE labours more than you At worsted work; and frames it; In old 
maids' albums; too; Sticks seaweed … yes; and names it!〃 

The tempter said his say; Which pierced him like a needle … He 
summoned straight away His sexton and his beadle。 

(These men were men who could Hold liberal opinions: On Sundays 
they were good … On week…days they were minions。) 

〃To HOPLEY PORTER go; Your fare I will afford you … Deal him a 
deadly blow; And blessings shall reward you。 

〃But stay … I do not like Undue assassination; And so before you strike; 

5 



Fifty 〃Bab〃 Ballads … Much Sound and Little Sense 

Fifty 〃Bab〃 Ballads … Much Sound and Little Sense 

〃I'll give him this one chance … If he'll more gaily bear him; Play 
croquet; smoke; and dance; I willingly will spare him。〃 

They went; those minions true; To Assesmilk…cum…Worter; And told 
their errand to The REVEREND HOPLEY PORTER。 

〃What?〃 said that reverend gent; 〃Dance through my hours of leisure? 
Smoke? … bathe myself with scent? … Play croquet? Oh; with pleasure! 

〃Wear all my hair in curl? Stand at my door and wink … so … At every 
passing girl? My brothers; I should think so! 

〃For years I've longed for some Excuse for this revulsion: Now that 
excuse has come … I do it on compulsion!!!〃 

He smoked and winked away … This REVEREND HOPLEY PORTER 

…The deuce there was to pay At Assesmilk…cum…Worter。 
And HOOPER holds his ground; In mildness daily growing …They 
think him; all around; The mildest curate going。 

6 



Fifty 〃Bab〃 Ballads … Much Sound and Little Sense 

Fifty 〃Bab〃 Ballads … Much Sound and Little Sense 

ONLY a dancing girl; With an unromantic style; With borrowed colour 
and curl; With fixed mechanical smile; With many a hackneyed wile; With 
ungrammatical lips; And corns that mar her trips。 

Hung from the 〃flies〃 in air; She acts a palpable lie; She's as little a 
fairy there As unpoetical I! I hear you asking; Why … Why in the world I 
sing This tawdry; tinselled thing? 

No airy fairy she; As she hangs in arsenic green From a highly 
impossible tree In a highly impossible scene (Herself not over…clean)。 For 
fays don't suffer; I'm told; From bunions; coughs; or cold。 

And stately dames that bring Their daughters there to see; Pronounce 
the 〃dancing thing〃 No better than she should be; With her skirt at her 
shameful knee; And her painted; tainted phiz: Ah; matron; which of us is? 

(And; in sooth; it oft occurs That while these matrons sigh; Their 
dresses are lower than hers; And sometimes half as high; And their hair is 
hair they buy; And they use their glasses; too; In a way she'd blush to do。) 
But change her gold and green For a coarse merino gown; And see her 
upon the scene Of her home; when coaxing down Her drunken father's 
frown; In his squalid cheerless den: She's a fairy truly; then! 

7 



Fifty 〃Bab〃 Ballads … Much Sound and Little Sense 

Fifty 〃Bab〃 Ballads … Much Sound and Little Sense 

COME with me; little maid; Nay; shrink not; thus afraid … I'll harm thee 
not! Fly not; my love; from me … I have a home for thee … A fa

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