mrs. bullfrog-第2节
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hope that all would turn out a dream; and seized the opportunity;
as we raised the coach; to jam two of my fingers under the wheel;
trusting that the pain would awaken me。
〃Why; here we are; all to rights again!〃 exclaimed a sweet voice
behind。 〃Thank you for your assistance; gentlemen。 My dear Mr。
Bullfrog; how you perspire! Do let me wipe your face。 Don't take
this little accident too much to heart; good driver。 We ought to
be thankful that none of our necks are broken。〃
〃We might have spared one neck out of the three;〃 muttered the
driver; rubbing his ear and pulling his nose; to ascertain
whether he had been cuffed or not。 〃Why; the woman's a witch!〃
I fear that the reader will not believe; yet it is positively a
fact; that there stood Mrs。 Bullfrog; with her glossy ringlets
curling on her brow; and two rows of orient pearls gleaming
between her parted lips; which wore a most angelic smile。 She had
regained her riding habit and calash from the grisly phantom; and
was; in all respects; the lovely woman who had been sitting by my
side at the instant of our overturn。 How she had happened to
disappear; and who had supplied her place; and whence she did now
return; were problems too knotty for me to solve。 There stood my
wife。 That was the one thing certain among a heap of mysteries。
Nothing remained but to help her into the coach; and plod on;
through the journey of the day and the journey of life; as
comfortably as we could。 As the driver closed the door upon us; I
heard him whisper to the three countrymen;〃How do you suppose a
fellow feels shut up in the cage with a she tiger?〃
Of course this query could have no reference to my situation。
Yet; unreasonable as it may appear; I confess that my feelings
were not altogether so ecstatic as when I first called Mrs。
Bullfrog mine。 True; she was a sweet woman and an angel of a
wife; but what if a Gorgon should return; amid the transports of
our connubial bliss; and take the angel's place。 I recollected
the tale of a fairy; who half the time was a beautiful woman and
half the time a hideous monster。 Had I taken that very fairy to
be the wife of my bosom? While such whims and chimeras were
flitting across my fancy I began to look askance at Mrs。
Bullfrog; almost expecting that the transformation would be
wrought before my eyes。
To divert my mind; I took up the newspaper which had covered the
little basket of refreshments; and which now lay at the bottom of
the coach; blushing with a deep…red stain and emitting a potent
spirituous fume from the contents of the broken bottle of
Kalydor。 The paper was two or three years old; but contained an
article of several columns; in which I soon grew wonderfully
interested。 It was the report of a trial for breach of promise of
marriage; giving the testimony in full; with fervid extracts from
both the gentleman's and lady's amatory correspondence。 The
deserted damsel had personally appeared in court; and had borne
energetic evidence to her lover's perfidy and the strength of her
blighted affections。 On the defendant's part there had been an
attempt; though insufficiently sustained; to blast the
plaintiff's character; and a plea; in mitigation of damages; on
account of her unamiable temper。 A horrible idea was suggested by
the lady's name。
〃Madam;〃 said I; holding the newspaper before Mrs。 Bullfrog's
eyes;and; though a small; delicate; and thin…visaged man; I
feel assured that I looked very terrific;〃madam;〃 repeated I;
through my shut teeth; 〃were you the plaintiff in this cause?〃
〃Oh; my dear Mr。 Bullfrog;〃 replied my wife; sweetly; 〃I thought
all the world knew that!〃
〃Horror! horror!〃 exclaimed I; sinking back on the seat。
Covering my face with both hands; I emitted a deep and deathlike
groan; as if my tormented soul were rending me asunderI; the
most exquisitely fastidious of men; and whose wife was to have
been the most delicate and refined of women; with all the fresh
dew…drops glittering on her virgin rosebud of a heart!
I thought of the glossy ringlets and pearly teeth; I thought of
the Kalydor; I thought of the coachman's bruised ear and bloody
nose; I thought of the tender love secrets which she had
whispered to the judge and jury and a thousand tittering
auditors;and gave another groan!
〃Mr。 Bullfrog;〃 said my wife。
As I made no reply; she gently took my hands within her own;
removed them from my face; and fixed her eyes steadfastly on
mine。
〃Mr。 Bullfrog;〃 said she; not unkindly; yet with all the decision
of her strong character; 〃let me advise you to overcome this
foolish weakness; and prove yourself; to the best of your
ability; as good a husband as I will be a wife。 You have
discovered; perhaps; some little imperfections in your bride。
Well; what did you expect? Women are not angels。 If they were;
they would go to heaven for husbands; or; at least; be more
difficult in their choice on earth。〃
〃But why conceal those imperfections?〃 interposed I; tremulously。
〃Now; my love; are not you a most unreasonable little man?〃 said
Mrs。 Bullfrog; patting me on the cheek。 〃Ought a woman to
disclose her frailties earlier than the wedding day? Few
husbands; I assure you; make the discovery in such good season;
and still fewer complain that these trifles are concealed too
long。 Well; what a strange man you are! Poh! you are joking。〃
〃But the suit for breach of promise!〃 groaned I。
〃Ah; and is that the rub?〃 exclaimed my wife。 〃Is it possible
that you view that affair in an objectionable light? Mr。
Bullfrog; I never could have dreamed it! Is it an objection that
I have triumphantly defended myself against slander and
vindicated my purity in a court of justice? Or do you complain
because your wife has shown the proper spirit of a woman; and
punished the villain who trifled with her affections?〃
〃But;〃 persisted I; shrinking into a corner of the coach;
however;for I did not know precisely how much contradiction the
proper spirit of a woman would endure;〃but; my love; would it
not have been more dignified to treat the villain with the silent
contempt he merited?〃
〃That is all very well; Mr。 Bullfrog;〃 said my wife; slyly; 〃but;
in that case; where would have been the five thousand dollars
which are to stock your dry goods store?〃
〃Mrs。 Bullfrog; upon your honor;〃 demanded I; as if my life hung
upon her words; 〃is there no mistake about those five thousand
dollars?〃
〃Upon my word and honor there is none;〃 replied she。 〃The jury
gave me every cent the rascal had; and I have kept it all for my
dear Bullfrog。〃
〃Then; thou dear woman;〃 cried I; with an overwhelming gush of
tenderness; 〃let me fold thee to my heart。 The basis of
matrimonial bliss is secure; and all thy little defects and
frailties are forgiven。 Nay; since the result has been so
fortunate; I rejoice at the wrongs which drove thee to this
blessed lawsuit。 Happy Bullfrog that I am!〃