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小说: mrs. bullfrog 字数: 每页4000字

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MRS。 BULLFROG



It makes me melancholy to see how like fools some very sensible

people act in the matter of choosing wives。 They perplex their

judgments by a most undue attention to little niceties of

personal appearance; habits; disposition; and other trifles which

concern nobody but the lady herself。 An unhappy gentleman;

resolving to wed nothing short of perfection; keeps his heart and

hand till both get so old and withered that no tolerable woman

will accept them。 Now this is the very height of absurdity。 A

kind Providence has so skilfully adapted sex to sex and the mass

of individuals to each other; that; with certain obvious

exceptions; any male and female may be moderately happy in the

married state。 The true rule is to ascertain that the match is

fundamentally a good one; and then to take it for granted that

all minor objections; should there be such; will vanish; if you

let them alone。 Only put yourself beyond hazard as to the real

basis of matrimonial bliss; and it is scarcely to be imagined

what miracles; in the way of recognizing smaller incongruities;

connubial love will effect。



For my own part I freely confess that; in my bachelorship; I was

precisely such an over…curious simpleton as I now advise the

reader not to be。 My early habits had gifted me with a feminine

sensibility and too exquisite refinement。 I was the accomplished

graduate of a dry goods store; where; by dint of ministering to

the whims of fine ladies; and suiting silken hose to delicate

limbs; and handling satins; ribbons; chintzes calicoes; tapes;

gauze; and cambric needles; I grew up a very ladylike sort of a

gentleman。 It is not assuming too much to affirm that the ladies

themselves were hardly so ladylike as Thomas Bullfrog。 So

painfully acute was my sense of female imperfection; and such

varied excellence did I require in the woman whom I could love;

that there was an awful risk of my getting no wife at all; or of

being driven to perpetrate matrimony with my own image in the

looking…glass。 Besides the fundamental principle already hinted

at; I demanded the fresh bloom of youth; pearly teeth; glossy

ringlets; and the whole list of lovely items; with the utmost

delicacy of habits and sentiments; a silken texture of mind; and;

above all; a virgin heart。 In a word; if a young angel just from

paradise; yet dressed in earthly fashion; had come and offered me

her hand; it is by no means certain that I should have taken it。

There was every chance of my becoming a most miserable old

bachelor; when; by the best luck in the world; I made a journey

into another state; and was smitten by; and smote again; and

wooed; won; and married; the present Mrs。 Bullfrog; all in the

space of a fortnight。 Owing to these extempore measures; I not

only gave my bride credit for certain perfections which have not

as yet come to light; but also overlooked a few trifling defects;

which; however; glimmered on my perception long before the close

of the honeymoon。 Yet; as there was no mistake about the

fundamental principle aforesaid; I soon learned; as will be

seen; to estimate Mrs。 Bullfrog's deficiencies and superfluities

at exactly their proper value。



The same morning that Mrs。 Bullfrog and I came together as a

unit; we took two seats in the stage…coach and began our journey

towards my place of business。 There being no other passengers; we

were as much alone and as free to give vent to our raptures as if

I had hired a hack for the matrimonial jaunt。 My bride looked

charmingly in a green silk calash and riding habit of pelisse

cloth; and whenever her red lips parted with a smile; each tooth

appeared like an inestimable pearl。 Such was my passionate warmth

thatwe had rattled out of the village; gentle reader; and were

lonely as Adam and Eve in paradiseI plead guilty to no less

freedom than a kiss。 The gentle eye of Mrs。 Bullfrog scarcely

rebuked me for the profanation。 Emboldened by her indulgence; I

threw back the calash from her polished brow; and suffered my

fingers; white and delicate as her own; to stray among those dark

and glossy curls which realized my daydreams of rich hair。



〃My love;〃 said Mrs。 Bullfrog tenderly; 〃you will disarrange my

curls。〃



〃Oh; no; my sweet Laura!〃 replied I; still playing with the

glossy ringlet。 〃Even your fair hand could not manage a curl more

delicately than mine。 I propose myself the pleasure of doing up

your hair in papers every evening at the same time with my own。〃



〃Mr。 Bullfrog;〃 repeated she; 〃you must not disarrange my curls。〃



This was spoken in a more decided tone than I had happened to

hear; until then; from my gentlest of all gentle brides。 At the

same time she put up her hand and took mine prisoner; but merely

drew it away from the forbidden ringlet; and then immediately

released it。 Now; I am a fidgety little man; and always love to

have something in my fingers; so that; being debarred from my

wife's curls; I looked about me for any other plaything。 On the

front seat of the coach there was one of those small baskets in

which travelling ladies who are too delicate to appear at a

public table generally carry a supply of gingerbread; biscuits

and cheese; cold ham; and other light refreshments; merely to

sustain nature to the journey's end。 Such airy diet will

sometimes keep them in pretty good flesh for a week together。

Laying hold of this same little basket; I thrust my hand under

the newspaper with which it was carefully covered。



〃What's this; my dear?〃 cried I; for the black neck of a bottle

had popped out of the basket。



〃A bottle of Kalydor; Mr。 Bullfrog;〃 said my wife; coolly taking

the basket from my hands and replacing it on the front seat。



There was no possibility of doubting my wife's word; but I never

knew genuine Kalydor; such as I use for my own complexion; to

smell so much like cherry brandy。 I was about to express my fears

that the lotion would injure her skin; when an accident occurred

which threatened more than a skin…deep injury。 Our Jehu had

carelessly driven over a heap of gravel and fairly capsized the

coach; with the wheels in the air and our heels where our heads

should have been。 What became of my wits I cannot imagine; they

have always had a perverse trick of deserting me just when they

were most needed; but so it chanced; that in the confusion of our

overthrow I quite forgot that there was a Mrs。 Bullfrog in the

world。 Like many men's wives; the good lady served her husband as

a steppingstone。 I had scrambled out of the coach and was

instinctively settling my cravat; when somebody brushed roughly

by me; and I heard a smart thwack upon the coachman's ear。



〃Take that; you villain!〃 cried a strange; hoarse voice。 〃You

have ruined me; you blackguard! I shall never be the woman I have

been!〃



And then came a second thwack; aimed at the driver's other ear;

but which missed it; and hit him on the nose; causing a terrible

effusion of blood。 Now; who or what fearful apparition was

inflicting this punishment on the poor fellow remained an

impenetrable mystery to me。 The blows were given by a person of

grisly aspect; with a head almost bald; and sunken cheeks;

apparently of the feminine gender; though hardly to be classed in

the gentler sex。 There being no teeth to modulate the voice; it

had a mumbled fierceness; not passionate; but stern; which

absolutely made me quiver like calf's…foot jelly。 Who could the

phantom be? The most awful circumstance of the affair is yet to

be told: for this ogre; or whatever it was; had a riding habit

like Mrs。 Bullfrog's; and also a green silk calash dangling down

her back by the strings。 In my terror and turmoil of mind I could

imagine nothing less than that the Old Nick; at the moment of our

overturn; had annihilated my wife and jumped into her petticoats。

This idea seemed the most probable; since I could nowhere

perceive Mrs。 Bullfrog alive; nor; though I looked very sharply

about the coach; could I detect any traces of that beloved

woman's dead body。 There would have been a comfort in giving her

Christian burial。



〃Come; sir; bestir yourself! Help this rascal to set up the

coach;〃 sai the hobgoblin to me; then; with a terrific screech at

three countrymen at a distance; 〃Here; you fellows; ain't you

ashamed to stand off when a poor woman is in distress?〃



The countrymen; instead of fleeing for their lives; came running

at full speed; and laid hold of the topsy…turvy coach。 I; also;

though a small…sized man; went to work like a son of Anak。 The

coachman; too; with the blood still streaming from his nose;

tugged and toiled most manfully; dreading; doubtless; that the

next blow might break his head。 And yet; bemauled as the poor

fellow had been; he seemed to glance at me with an eye of pity;

as if my case were more deplorable than his。 But I cherished a

hope that all would turn out a dream; and seized the opportunit

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