letters of cicero-第4节

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ce　even　or　faint　image　of　him；　but　rather　what　I　may　call　the　likeness　of　a　living　corpse。　And　oh　that　you　had　sooner　seen　me　or　heard　of　me　as　a　corpse！　Oh　that　I　could　have　left　you　to　survive；　not　my　life　merely；　but　my　undiminished　rank！　But　I　call　all　the　gods　to　witness　that　the　one　argument　which　recalled　me　from　death　was；　that　all　declared　that　to　some　extent　your　life　depended　upon　mine。　In　which　matter　I　made　an　error　and　acted　culpably。　For　if　I　had　died；　that　death　itself　would　have　given　clear　evidence　of　my　fidelity　and　love　to　you。　As　it　is；　I　have　allowed　you　to　be　deprived　of　my　aid；　though　I　am　alive；　and　with　me　still　living　to　need　the　help　of　others；　and　my　voice；　of　all　others；　to　fail　when　dangers　threatened　my　family；　which　had　so　often　been　successfully　used　in　the　defence　of　the　merest　strangers。　For　as　to　the　slaves　coming　to　you　without　a　letter；　the　real　reason　（for　you　see　that　it　was　not　anger）　was　a　deadness　of　my　faculties；　and　a　seemingly　endless　deluge　of　tears　and　sorrows。　How　many　tears　do　you　suppose　these　very　words　have　cost　me？　As　many　as　I　know　they　will　cost　you　to　read　them！　Can　I　ever　refrain　from　thinking　of　you　or　ever　think　of　you　without　tears？　For　when　I　miss　you；　is　it　only　a　brother　that　I　miss？　Rather　it　is　a　brother　of　almost　my　own　age　in　the　charm　of　his　companionship；　a　son　in　his　consideration　for　my　wishes；　a　father　in　the　wisdom　of　his　advice！　What　pleasure　did　I　ever　have　without　you；　or　you　without　me？　And　what　must　my　case　be　when　at　the　same　time　I　miss　a　daughter：　How　affectionate！　how　modest！　how　clever！　The　express　image　of　my　face；　of　my　speech；　of　my　very　soul！　Or　again　a　son；　the　prettiest　boy；　the　very　joy　of　my　heart？　Cruel　inhuman　monster　that　I　am；　I　dismissed　him　from　my　arms　better　schooled　in　the　world　than　I　could　have　wished：　for　the　poor　child　began　to　understand　what　was　going　on。　So；　too；　your　own　son；　your　own　image；　whom　my　little　Cicero　loved　as　a　brother；　and　was　now　beginning　to　respect　as　an　elder　brother！　Need　I　mention　also　how　I　refused　to　allow　my　unhappy　wifethe　truest　of　helpmatesto　accompany　me；　that　there　might　be　some　one　to　protect　the　wrecks　of　the　calamity　which　had　fallen　on　us　both；　and　guard　our　common　children？　Nevertheless；　to　the　best　of　my　ability；　I　did　write　a　letter　to　you；　and　gave　it　to　your　freedman　Philogonus；　which；　I　believe；　was　delivered　to　you　later　on；　and　in　this　I　repeat　the　advice　and　entreaty；　which　had　been　already　transmitted　to　you　as　a　message　from　me　by　my　slaves；　that　you　should　go　on　with　your　journey　and　hasten　to　Rome。　For；　in　the　first　place；　I　desired　your　protection；　in　case　there　were　any　of　my　enemies　whose　cruelty　was　not　yet　satisfied　by　my　fall。　In　the　next　place；　I　dreaded　the　renewed　lamentation　which　our　meeting　would　cause：　while　I　could　not　have　borne　your　departure；　and　was　afraid　of　the　very　thing　you　mention　in　your　letterthat　you　would　be　unable　to　tear　yourself　away。　For　these　reasons　the　supreme　pain　of　not　seeing　youand　nothing　more　painful　or　more　wretched　could；　I　think；　have　happened　to　the　most　affectionate　and　united　of　brotherswas　a　less　misery　than　would　have　been　such　a　meeting　followed　by　such　a　parting。　Now；　if　you　can；　though　I；　whom　you　always　regarded　as　a　brave　man；　cannot　do　so；　rouse　yourself　and　collect　your　energies　in　view　of　any　contest　you　may　have　to　confront。　I　hope；　if　my　hope　has　anything　to　go　upon；　that　your　own　spotless　character　and　the　love　of　your　fellow　citizens；　and　even　remorse　for　my　treatment；　may　prove　a　certain　protection　to　you。　But　if　it　turns　out　that　you　are　free　from　personal　danger；　you　will　doubtless　do　whatever　you　think　can　be　done　for　me。　In　that　matter；　indeed；　many　write　to　me　at　great　length　and　declare　they　have　hopes；　but　I　personally　cannot　see　what　hope　there　is；　since　my　enemies　have　the　greatest　influence；　while　my　friends　have　in　some　cases　deserted；　in　others　even　betrayed　me；　fearing　perhaps　in　my　restoration　a　censure　on　their　own　treacherous　conduct。　But　how　matters　stand　with　you　I　would　have　you　ascertain　and　report　to　me。　In　any　case　I　shall　continue　to　live　as　long　as　you　shall　need　me；　in　view　of　any　danger　you　may　have　to　undergo：　longer　than　that　I　cannot　go　in　this　kind　of　life。　For　there　is　neither　wisdom　nor　philosophy　with　sufficient　strength　to　sustain　such　a　weight　of　grief。　I　know　that　there　has　been　a　time　for　dying；　more　honourable　and　more　advantageous；　and　this　is　not　the　only　one　of　my　many　omissions；　which；　if　I　should　choose　to　bewail；　I　should　merely　be　increasing　your　sorrow　and　emphasizing　my　own　stupidity。　But　one　thing　I　am　not　bound　to　do；　and　it　is　in　fact　impossibleremain　in　a　life　so　wretched　and　so　dishonoured　any　longer　than　your　necessities；　or　some　well…grounded　hope；　shall　demand。　For　I；　who　was　lately　supremely　blessed　in　brother；　children；　wife；　wealth；　and　in　the　very　nature　of　that　wealth；　while　in　position；　influence；　reputation；　and　popularity；　I　was　inferior　to　none；　however；　distinguishedI　cannot；　I　repeat。　go　on　longer　lamenting　over　myself　and　those　dear　to　me　in　a　life　of　such　humiliation　as　this；　and　in　a　state　of　such　utter　ruin。　Wherefore；　what　do　you　mean　by　writing　to　me　about　negotiating　a　bill　of　exchange？　As　though　I　were　not　now　wholly　dependent　on　your　means！　And　that　is　just　the　very　thing　in　which　1　see　and　feel；　to　my　misery；　of　what　a　culpable　act　I　have　been　guilty　in　squandering　to　no　purpose　the　money　which　I　received　from　the　treasury　in　your　name；　while　you　have　to　satisfy　your　creditors　out　of　the　very　vitals　of　yourself　and　your　son。　However；　the　sum　mentioned　in　your　letter　has　been　paid　to　M。　Antonius；　and　the　same　amount　to　Caepio。　For　me　the　sum　at　present　in　my　hands　is　sufficient　for　what　I　contemplate　doing。　For　in　either　casewhether　I　am　restored　or　given　up　in　despairI　shall　not　want　any　more　money。　For　yourself；　if　you　are　molested；　I　think　you　should　apply　to　Crassus　and　Calidius。　I　don't　know　how　far　Hortensius　is　to　be　trusted。　Myself；　with　the　most　elaborate　presence　of　affection　and　the　closest　daily　intimacy；　he　treated　with　the　most　utter　want　of　principle　and　thc　most　consummate　treachery；　and　Q。　Arrius　helped　him　in　it：　acting　under　whose　advice；　promises；　and　injunctions；　I　was　left　helpless　to　fall　into　this　disaster。　But　this　you　will　keep　dark　for　fear　they　might　injure　you。　Take　care　alsoand　it　is　on　this　account　that　I　think　you　should　cultivate　Hortensius　himself　by　means　of　Pomponiusthat　the　epigram　on　the　irs　Aurelia　attributed　to　you　when　candidate　for　the　aedileship　is　not　proved　by　false　testimony　to　be　yours。　For　there　is　nothing　that　I　am　so　afraid　of　as　that；　when　people　understand　how　much　pity　for　me　your　prayers　and　your　acquittal　will　rouse；　they　may　attack　you　with　all　the　greater　violence。　Messahla　I　reckon　as　really　attached　to　you：　Pompey　I　regard　as　still　pretending　only。　But　may　you　never　have　to　put　these　things　to　the　test！　And　that　prayer　I　would　have　offered　to　the　gods　had　they　not　ceased　to　listen　to　prayers　of　mine。　However；　I　do　pray　that　they　may　be　content　with　these　endless　miseries　of　ours；　among　which；　after　all；　there　is　no　discredit　for　any　wrong　thing　donesorrow　is　the　beginning　and　end；　sorrow　that　punishment　is　most　severe　when　our　conduct　has　been　most　unexceptionable。　As　to　my　daughter　and　yours　and　my　young　Cicero；　why　should　I　recommend　them　to　you；　my　dear　brother？　Rather　I　grieve　that　their　orphan　state　will　cause　you　no　less　sorrow　than　it　does　me。　Yet　as　long　as　you　are　uncondemned　they　will　not　be　fatherless。　The　rest；　by　my　hopes　of　restoration　and　the　privilege　of　dying　in　my　fatherland；　my　tears　will　not　allow　me　to　write！　Terentia　also　I　would　ask　you　to　protect；　and　to　write　me　word　on　every　subject。　Be　as　brave　as　the　nature　of　the　case　admits。

Thessalonica；　13　June。

VII

To　ATTICUS　（IN　EPIRUS）

ROME　（SEPTEMBER）

DIRECTLY　I　arrived　at　Rome；　and　there　was　anyone　to　whom　I　could　safely　intrust　a　letter　for　you；　I　thought　the　very　first　thing　I　ought　to　do　was　to　congratulate　you　in　your　absence　on　my　return。　For　I　knew；　to　speak　candidly；　that　though　in　giving　me　advice　you　had　not　been　more　courageous　or　far…seeing　than　myself；　nor　considering　my　devotion　to　you　in　the　pasttoo　careful　in　protecting　me　from　disaster；　yet　that　youthough　sharing　in　the　first　instance　in　my　mistake；　or　rather　madness；　and　in　my　groundless　terrorhad　nevertheless　been　deeply　grieved　at　our　separation；　and　had　bestowed　immense　pains；　zeal；　care；　and　labour　in　securing　my　return。　Accordingly；　I　can　truly　assure　you　of　this；　that　in　the　midst　of　supreme　joy　and　the　most　gratifying　congratulations；　the　one　thing　wanting　to　fill　my　cup　of　happiness　to　the　brim　is　the　sight　of　you；　or　rather　your　embrace；　and　if　I　ever　forfeit　that　again；　when　I　have　once　got　possession　of　it；　and　if；　too；　I　do　not　exact　the　full　delights　of　your　charming　society　that　have　fallen　into　arrear　in　the　past；　I　shall　certainly　consider　myself　unworthy　of　this　renewal　of　my　good　fortune。

In　regard　to　my　political　position；　I　have　resumed　what　I　thought　there　would　be　the　utmost　difficulty　in　recoveringmy　brilliant　standing　at　the　bar；　my　influence　in　the　senate；　and　a　popularity　with　the　loyalists　even　greater　than　I　desir