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described。  The pony had one distinct eye; and it had been pointed

out to him by his friend Captain Blunderbore; of the Horse Marines;

who assisted the author in his search; that whenever he winked this

eye he whisked his tail (possibly to drive the flies off); but that

he always winked and whisked at the same time。  The animal was

lean; spavined; and tottering; and the author proposed to

constitute it of the family of FITFORDOGSMEATAURIOUS。  It certainly

did occur to him that there was no case on record of a pony with

one clearly…defined and distinct organ of vision; winking and

whisking at the same moment。



'MR。 Q。 J。 SNUFFLETOFFLE had heard of a pony winking his eye; and

likewise of a pony whisking his tail; but whether they were two

ponies or the same pony he could not undertake positively to say。

At all events; he was acquainted with no authenticated instance of

a simultaneous winking and whisking; and he really could not but

doubt the existence of such a marvellous pony in opposition to all

those natural laws by which ponies were governed。  Referring;

however; to the mere question of his one organ of vision; might he

suggest the possibility of this pony having been literally half

asleep at the time he was seen; and having closed only one eye。



'THE PRESIDENT observed that; whether the pony was half asleep or

fast asleep; there could be no doubt that the association was wide

awake; and therefore that they had better get the business over;

and go to dinner。  He had certainly never seen anything analogous

to this pony; but he was not prepared to doubt its existence; for

he had seen many queerer ponies in his time; though he did not

pretend to have seen any more remarkable donkeys than the other

gentlemen around him。



'PROFESSOR JOHN KETCH was then called upon to exhibit the skull of

the late Mr。 Greenacre; which he produced from a blue bag;

remarking; on being invited to make any observations that occurred

to him; 〃that he'd pound it as that 'ere 'spectable section had

never seed a more gamerer cove nor he vos。〃



'A most animated discussion upon this interesting relic ensued;

and; some difference of opinion arising respecting the real

character of the deceased gentleman; Mr。 Blubb delivered a lecture

upon the cranium before him; clearly showing that Mr。 Greenacre

possessed the organ of destructiveness to a most unusual extent;

with a most remarkable development of the organ of carveativeness。

Sir Hookham Snivey was proceeding to combat this opinion; when

Professor Ketch suddenly interrupted the proceedings by exclaiming;

with great excitement of manner; 〃Walker!〃



'THE PRESIDENT begged to call the learned gentleman to order。



'PROFESSOR KETCH。 … 〃Order be blowed! you've got the wrong un; I

tell you。  It ain't no 'ed at all; it's a coker…nut as my brother…

in…law has been a…carvin'; to hornament his new baked tatur…stall

wots a…comin' down 'ere vile the 'sociation's in the town。  Hand

over; vill you?〃



'With these words; Professor Ketch hastily repossessed himself of

the cocoa…nut; and drew forth the skull; in mistake for which he

had exhibited it。  A most interesting conversation ensued; but as

there appeared some doubt ultimately whether the skull was Mr。

Greenacre's; or a hospital patient's; or a pauper's; or a man's; or

a woman's; or a monkey's; no particular result was obtained。'





'I cannot;' says our talented correspondent in conclusion; 'I

cannot close my account of these gigantic researches and sublime

and noble triumphs without repeating a BON MOT of Professor

Woodensconce's; which shows how the greatest minds may occasionally

unbend when truth can be presented to listening ears; clothed in an

attractive and playful form。  I was standing by; when; after a week

of feasting and feeding; that learned gentleman; accompanied by the

whole body of wonderful men; entered the hall yesterday; where a

sumptuous dinner was prepared; where the richest wines sparkled on

the board; and fat bucks … propitiatory sacrifices to learning …

sent forth their savoury odours。  〃Ah!〃 said Professor

Woodensconce; rubbing his hands; 〃this is what we meet for; this is

what inspires us; this is what keeps us together; and beckons us

onward; this is the SPREAD of science; and a glorious spread it

is。〃'









THE PANTOMIME OF LIFE









Before we plunge headlong into this paper; let us at once confess

to a fondness for pantomimes … to a gentle sympathy with clowns and

pantaloons … to an unqualified admiration of harlequins and

columbines … to a chaste delight in every action of their brief

existence; varied and many…coloured as those actions are; and

inconsistent though they occasionally be with those rigid and

formal rules of propriety which regulate the proceedings of meaner

and less comprehensive minds。  We revel in pantomimes … not because

they dazzle one's eyes with tinsel and gold leaf; not because they

present to us; once again; the well…beloved chalked faces; and

goggle eyes of our childhood; not even because; like Christmas…day;

and Twelfth…night; and Shrove…Tuesday; and one's own birthday; they

come to us but once a year; … our attachment is founded on a graver

and a very different reason。  A pantomime is to us; a mirror of

life; nay; more; we maintain that it is so to audiences generally;

although they are not aware of it; and that this very circumstance

is the secret cause of their amusement and delight。



Let us take a slight example。  The scene is a street:  an elderly

gentleman; with a large face and strongly marked features; appears。

His countenance beams with a sunny smile; and a perpetual dimple is

on his broad; red cheek。  He is evidently an opulent elderly

gentleman; comfortable in circumstances; and well…to…do in the

world。  He is not unmindful of the adornment of his person; for he

is richly; not to say gaudily; dressed; and that he indulges to a

reasonable extent in the pleasures of the table may be inferred

from the joyous and oily manner in which he rubs his stomach; by

way of informing the audience that he is going home to dinner。  In

the fulness of his heart; in the fancied security of wealth; in the

possession and enjoyment of all the good things of life; the

elderly gentleman suddenly loses his footing; and stumbles。  How

the audience roar!  He is set upon by a noisy and officious crowd;

who buffet and cuff him unmercifully。  They scream with delight!

Every time the elderly gentleman struggles to get up; his

relentless persecutors knock him down again。  The spectators are

convulsed with merriment!  And when at last the elderly gentleman

does get up; and staggers away; despoiled of hat; wig; and

clothing; himself battered to pieces; and his watch and money gone;

they are exhausted with laughter; and express their merriment and

admiration in rounds of applause。



Is this like life?  Change the scene to any real street; … to the

Stock Exchange; or the City banker's; the merchant's counting…

house; or even the tradesman's shop。  See any one of these men

fall; … the more suddenly; and the nearer the zenith of his pride

and riches; the better。  What a wild hallo is raised over his

prostrate carcase by the shouting mob; how they whoop and yell as

he lies humbled beneath them!  Mark how eagerly they set upon him

when he is down; and how they mock and deride him as he slinks

away。  Why; it is the pantomime to the very letter。



Of all the pantomimic DRAMATIS PERSONAE; we consider the pantaloon

the most worthless and debauched。  Independent of the dislike one

naturally feels at seeing a gentleman of his years engaged in

pursuits highly unbecoming his gravity and time of life; we cannot

conceal from ourselves the fact that he is a treacherous; worldly…

minded old villain; constantly enticing his younger companion; the

clown; into acts of fraud or petty larceny; and generally standing

aside to watch the result of the enterprise。  If it be successful;

he never forgets to return for his share of the spoil; but if it

turn out a failure; he generally retires with remarkable caution

and expedition; and keeps carefully aloof until the affair has

blown over。  His amorous propensities; too; are eminently

disagreeable; and his mode of addressing ladies in the open street

at noon…day is down…right improper; being usually neither more nor

less than a perceptible tickling of the aforesaid ladies in the

waist; after committing which; he starts back; manifestly ashamed

(as well he may be) of his own indecorum and temerity; continuing;

nevertheless; to ogle and beckon to them from a distance in a very

unpleasant and immoral manner。



Is there any man who cannot count a dozen pantaloons in his own

social circle?  Is there any man who has not seen them swarming at

the west end of the town on a sunshiny day or a summer's evening;

going through the last…named pantomimic feats with as much


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