green mansions-第47节
按键盘上方向键 ← 或 → 可快速上下翻页，按键盘上的 Enter 键可回到本书目录页，按键盘上方向键 ↑ 可回到本页顶部！
————未阅读完？加入书签已便下次继续阅读！
to him？ To me was your cry； but your poor； frail fellow creature was not there to save； or； failing that； to cast himself into the flames and perish with you； hating God。〃
Thus； in my insufferable pain； I spoke aloud； alone in that solitary place； a bleeding fugitive in the dark night； looking up at the stars I cursed the Author of my being and called on Him to take back the abhorred gift of life。
Yet； according to my philosophy； how vain it was！ All my bitterness and hatred and defiance were as empty； as ineffectual； as utterly futile； as are the supplications of the meek worshipper； and no more than the whisper of a leaf； the light whirr of an insect's wing。 Whether I loved Him who was over all； as when I thanked Him on my knees for guiding me to where I had heard so sweet and mysterious a melody； or hated and defied Him as now； it all came from Himlove and hate； good and evil。
But I knowI knew thenthat in one thing my philosophy was false； that it was not the whole truth； that though my cries did not touch nor come near Him they would yet hurt me； and； just as a prisoner maddened at his unjust fate beats against the stone walls of his cell until he falls back bruised and bleeding to the floor； so did I wilfully bruise my own soul； and knew that those wounds I gave myself would not heal。
Of that night； the beginning of the blackest period of my life； I shall say no more； and over subsequent events I shall pass quickly。
Morning found me at a distance of many miles from the scene of my duel with the Indian； in a broken； hilly country； varied with savannah and open forest。 I was well…nigh spent with my long march； and felt that unless food was obtained before many hours my situation would be indeed desperate。 With labour I managed to climb to the summit of a hill about three hundred feet high in order to survey the surrounding country； and found that it was one of a group of five； and conjectured that these were the five hills of Uritay and that I was in the neighbourhood of Managa's village。 Coming down I proceeded to the next hill； which was higher； and before reaching it came to a stream in a narrow valley dividing the hills； and proceeding along its banks in search of a crossing…place； I came full in sight of the settlement sought for。 As I approached； people were seen moving hurriedly about； and by the time I arrived； walking slowly and painfully； seven or eight men were standing before the village' some with spears in their hands； the women and children behind them； all staring curiously at me。 Drawing near I cried out in a somewhat feeble voice that I was seeking for Managa； whereupon a gray…haired man stepped forth； spear in hand； and replied that he was Managa； and demanded to know why I sought him。 I told him a part of my storyenough to show that I had a deadly feud with Runi； that I had escaped from him after killing one of his people。
I was taken in and supplied with food； my wound was examined and dressed； and then I was permitted to lie down and sleep； while Managa； with half a dozen of his people； hurriedly started to visit the scene of my fight with Kua…ko； not only to verify my story； but partly with the hope of meeting Runi。 I did not see him again until the next morning； when he informed me that he had found the spot where I had been overtaken； that the dead man had been discovered by the others and carried back towards Parahuari。 He had followed the trace for some distance； and he was satisfied that Runi had come thus far in the first place only with the intention of spying on him。
My arrival； and the strange tidings I had brought； had thrown the village into a great commotion； it was evident that from that time Managa lived in constant apprehension of a sudden attack from his old enemy。 This gave me great satisfaction； it was my study to keep the feeling alive； and； more than that； to drop continual hints of his enemy's secret murderous purpose； until he was wrought up to a kind of frenzy of mingled fear and rage。 And being of a suspicious and somewhat truculent temper； he one day all at once turned on me as the immediate cause of his miserable state； suspecting perhaps that I only wished to make an instrument of him。 But I was strangely bold and careless of danger then； and only mocked at his rage； telling him proudly that I feared him not； that Runi； his mortal enemy and mine； feared not him but me； that Runi knew perfectly well where I had taken refuge and would not venture to make his meditated attack while I remained in his village； but would wait for my departure。 〃Kill me； Managa；〃 I cried； smiting my chest as I stood facing him。 〃Kill me； and the result will be that he will come upon you unawares and murder you all； as he has resolved to do sooner or later。〃
After that speech he glared at me in silence； then flung down the spear he had snatched up in his sudden rage and stalked out of the house and into the wood； but before long he was back again； seated in his old place； brooding on my words with a face black as night。
It is painful to recall that secret dark chapter of my lifethat period of moral insanity。 But I wish not to be a hypocrite； conscious or unconscious； to delude myself or another with this plea of insanity。 My mind was very clear just then； past and present were clear to me； the future clearest of all： I could measure the extent of my action and speculate on its future effect； and my sense of right or wrongof individual responsibilitywas more vivid than at any other period of my life。 Can I even say that I was blinded by passion？ Driven； perhaps； but certainly not blinded。 For no reaction； or submission； had followed on that furious revolt against the unknown being； personal or not； that is behind nature； in whose existence I believed。 I was still in revolt： I would hate Him； and show my hatred by being like Him； as He appears to us reflected in that mirror of Nature。 Had He given me good giftsthe sense of right and wrong and sweet humanity？ The beautiful sacred flower He had caused to grow in me I would crush ruthlessly； its beauty and fragrance and grace would be dead for ever； there was nothing evil； nothing cruel and contrary to my nature； that I would not be guilty of； glorying in my guilt。 This was not the temper of a few days： I remained for close upon two months at Managa's village； never repenting nor desisting in my efforts to induce the Indians to join me in that most barbarous adventure on which my heart was set。
I succeeded in the end； it would have been strange if I had not。 The horrible details need not be given。 Managa did not wait for his enemy； but fell on him unexpectedly； an hour after nightfall in his own village。 If I had really been insane during those two months； if some cloud had been on me； some demoniacal force dragging me on； the cloud and insanity vanished and the constraint was over in one moment； when that hellish enterprise was completed。 It was the sight of an old woman； lying where she had been struck down； the fire of the blazing house lighting her wide…open glassy eyes and white hair dabbled in blood； which suddenly； as by a miracle； wrought this change in my brain。 For they were all dead at last； old and young； all who had lighted the fire round that great green tree in which Rima had taken refuge； who had danced round the blaze； shouting： 〃Burn！ burn！〃
At the moment my glance fell on that prostrate form I paused and stood still； trembling like a person struck with a sudden pang in the heart； who thinks that his last moment has come to him unawares。 After a while I slunk away out of the great circle of firelight into the thick darkness beyond。 Instinctively I turned towards the forests across the savannahmy forest again； and fled away from the noise and the sight of flames； never pausing until I found myself within the black shadow of the trees。 Into the deeper blackness of the interior I dared not venture； on the border I paused to ask myself what I did there alone in the night…time。 Sitting down； I covered my face with my hands as if to hide it more effectually than it could be hidden by night and the forest shadows。 What horrible thing； what calamity that frightened my soul to think of； had fallen on me？ The revulsion of feeling； the unspeakable horror； the remorse； was more than I could bear。 I started up with a cry of anguish； and would have slain myself to escape at that moment； but Nature is not always and utterly cruel； and on this occasion she came to my aid。 Consciousness forsook me； and I lived not again until the light of early morning was in the east； then found myself lying on the wet herbagewet with rain that had lately fallen。 My physical misery was now so great that it prevented me from dwelling on the scenes witnessed on the previous evening。 Nature was again merciful in this。 I only remembered that it was necessary to hide myself； in case the Indians should be still in the neighbourhood and pay the wood a visit。 Slowly and painfully I crept away into the forest； and there sat for several hours； scarcely thinking at all； in a half…stupefied condition。 At noon the sun shone out and dried the wood。 I felt no hunger； only a vague sense of bodily misery； and with it the
