the four horsemen of the apocalypse-第55节

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〃He　does　not　know　who　I　am。　。　。　。　　He　believes　me　to　be　a　war…nurse；　like　the　rest；　who　pities　him　seeing　him　alone　and　blind　with　no　relatives　to　write　to　him　or　visit　him。　。　。　。　　At　certain　times；　I　have　almost　suspected　that　he　guesses　the　truth。　　My　voice；　the　touch　of　my　hands　made　him　shiver　at　first；　as　though　with　an　unpleasant　sensation。　　I　have　told　him　that　I　am　a　Beigian　lady　who　has　lost　her　loved　ones　and　is　alone　in　the　world。　　He　has　told　me　his　life　story　very　sketchily；　as　if　he　desired　to　forget　a　hated　past。　。　。　。　　Never　one　disagreeable　word　about　his　former　wife。　There　are　nights　when　I　think　that　he　knows　me；　that　he　takes　advantage　of　his　blindness　in　order　to　prolong　his　feigned　ignorance；　and　that　distresses　me。　　I　long　for　him　to　recover　his　sight；　for　the　doctors　to　save　that　doubtful　eyeand　yet　at　the　same　time；　I　feel　afraid。　　What　will　he　say　when　he　recognizes　me？　。　。　。　　But　no；　it　is　better　that　he　should　see；　no　matter　what　may　result。　　You　cannot　understand　my　anxiety；　you　cannot　know　what　I　am　suffering。〃

She　was　silent　for　an　instant；　trying　to　regain　her　self…control；　again　tortured　with　the　agony　of　her　soul。

〃Oh；　the　war！〃　she　resumed。　　〃What　changes　in　our　life！　　Two　months　ago；　my　present　situation　would　have　appeared　impossible；　unimaginable。　。　。　。　　I　caring　for　my　husband；　fearing　that　he　would　discover　my　identity　and　leave　me；　yet　at　the　same　time；　wishing　that　he　would　recognize　me　and　pardon　me。　。　　。　。　　It　is　only　one　week　that　I　have　been　with　him。　　I　disguise　my　voice　when　I　can；　and　avoid　words　that　may　reveal　the　truth　。　。　。　but　this　cannot　keep　up　much　longer。　　It　is　only　in　novels　that　such　painful　situations　turn　out　happily。〃

Doubt　suddenly　overwhelmed　her。

〃I　believe；〃　she　continued；　〃that　he　has　recognized　me　from　the　first。　。　。　。　　He　is　silent　and　feigns　ignorance　because　he　despises　me　。　。　。　because　he　can　never　bring　himself　to　pardon　me。　　I　have　been　so　bad！　。　。　。　　I　have　wronged　him　so！〃。　。　。

She　was　recalling　the　long　and　reflective　silences　of　the　wounded　man　after　she　had　dropped　some　imprudent　words。　　After　two　days　of　submission　to　her　care；　he　had　been　somewhat　rebellious；　avoiding　going　out　with　her　for　a　walk。　　Because　of　his　blind　helplessness；　and　comprehending　the　uselessness　of　his　resistance；　he　had　finally　yielded　in　passive　silence。

〃Let　him　think　what　he　will！〃　concluded　Marguerite　courageously。　〃Let　him　despise　me！　　I　am　here　where　I　ought　to　be。　　I　need　his　forgiveness；　but　if　he　does　not　pardon　me；　I　shall　stay　with　him　just　the　same。　。　。　。　　There　are　moments　when　I　wish　that　he　may　never　recover　his　sight；　so　that　he　may　always　need　me；　so　that　I　may　pass　my　life　at　his　side；　sacrificing　everything　for　him。〃

〃And　I？〃　said　Desnoyers。

Marguerite　looked　at　him　with　clouded　eyes　as　though　she　were　just　awaking。　　It　was　trueand　the　other　one？　。　。　。　　Kindled　by　the　proposed　sacrifice　which　was　to　be　her　expiation；　she　had　forgotten　the　man　before　her。

〃You！〃　she　said　after　a　long　pause。　　〃You　must　leave　me。　。　。　。　　Life　is　not　what　we　have　thought　it。　　Had　it　not　been　for　the　war；　we　might；　perhaps；　have　realized　our　dream；　but　now！　。　。　。　　Listen　carefully　and　try　to　understand。　　For　the　remainder　of　my　life；　I　shall　carry　the　heaviest　burden；　and　yet　at　the　same　time　it　will　be　sweet；　since　the　more　it　weighs　me　down　the　greater　will　my　atonement　be。　　Never　will　I　leave　this　man　whom　I　have　so　grievously　wronged；　now　that　he　is　more　alone　in　the　world　and　will　need　protection　like　a　child。　　Why　do　you　come　to　share　my　fate？　　How　could　it　be　possible　for　you　to　live　with　a　nurse　constantly　at　the　side　of　a　blind　and　worthy　man　whom　we　would　constantly　offend　with　our　passion？　。　。　。　　No；　it　is　better　for　us　to　part。　　Go　your　way；　alone　and　untrammelled。　　Leave　me；　you　will　meet　other　women　who　will　make　you　more　happy　than　I。　　Yours　is　the　temperament　that　finds　new　pleasures　at　every　step。〃

She　stood　firmly　to　her　decision。　　Her　voice　was　calm；　but　back　of　it　trembled　the　emotion　of　a　last　farewell　to　a　joy　which　was　going　from　her　forever。　　The　man　would　be　loved　by　others　。　。　。　and　she　was　giving　him　up！　。　。　。　　But　the　noble　sadness　of　the　sacrifice　restored　her　courage。　　Only　by　this　renunciation　could　she　expiate　her　sins。

Julio　dropped　his　eyes；　vanquished　and　perplexed。　　The　picture　of　the　future　outlined　by　Marguerite　terrified　him。　　To　live　with　her　as　a　nurse　taking　advantage　of　her　patient's　blindness　would　be　to　offer　him　fresh　insult　every　day。　。　。　。　　Ah；　no！　　That　would　be　villainy；　indeed！　　He　was　now　ashamed　to　recall　the　malignity　with　which；　a　little　while　before；　he　had　regarded　this　innocent　unfortunate。　　He　realized　that　he　was　powerless　to　contend　with　him。　Weak　and　helpless　as　he　was　sitting　there　on　the　garden　bench；　he　was　stronger　and　more　deserving　of　respect　than　Julio　Desnoyers　with　all　his　youth　and　elegance。　　The　victim　had　amounted　to　something　in　his　life；　he　had　done　what　Julio　had　not　dared　to　do。

This　sudden　conviction　of　his　inferiority　made　him　cry　out　like　an　abandoned　child；　〃What　will　become　of　me？〃　。　。　。

Marguerite；　toocontemplating　the　love　which　was　going　from　her　forever；　her　vanished　hopes；　the　future　illumined　by　the　satisfaction　of　duty　fulfilled　but　monotonous　and　painfulcried　out：

〃And　I。　。　。　。　　What　will　become　of　me？〃　。　。　。

As　though　he　had　suddenly　found　a　solution　which　was　reviving　his　courage；　Desnoyers　said：

〃Listen；　Marguerite：　I　can　read　your　soul。　　You　love　this　man；　and　you　do　well。　　He　is　superior　to　me；　and　women　are　always　attracted　by　superiority。　。　。　。　　I　am　a　coward。　　Yes；　do　not　protest；　I　am　a　coward　with　all　my　youth；　with　all　my　strength。　　Why　should　you　not　have　been　impressed　by　the　conduct　of　this　man！　。　。　。　　But　I　will　atone　for　past　wrongs。　　This　country　is　yours；　Marguerite；　I　will　fight　for　it。　　Do　not　say　no。　。　。　。〃

And　moved　by　his　hasty　heroism；　he　outlined　the　plan　more　definitely。　　He　was　going　to　be　a　soldier。　　Soon　she　would　hear　him　well　spoken　of。　　His　idea　was　either　to　be　stretched　on　the　battlefield　in　his　first　encounter；　or　to　astound　the　world　by　his　bravery。　　In　this　way　the　impossible　situation　would　settle　itself　either　the　oblivion　of　death　or　glory。

〃No；　no！〃　interrupted　Marguerite　in　an　anguished　tone。　　〃You；　no！　One　is　enough。　。　。　。　　How　horrible！　　You；　too；　wounded；　mutilated　forever；　perhaps　dead！　。　。　。　　No；　you　must　live。　　I　want　you　to　live；　even　though　you　might　belong　to　another。　。　。　。　　Let　me　know　that　you　exist；　let　me　see　you　sometimes；　even　though　you　may　have　forgotten　me；　even　though　you　may　pass　me　with　indifference；　as　if　you　did　not　know　me。〃

In　this　outburst　her　deep　love　for　him　rang　trueher　heroic　and　inflexible　love　which　would　accept　all　penalties　for　herself；　if　only　the　beloved　one　might　continue　to　live。

But　then；　in　order　that　Julio　might　not　feel　any　false　hopes；　she　added：〃Live；　you　must　not　die；　that　would　be　for　me　another　torment。　。　。　。　　But　live　without　me。　　No　matter　how　much　we　may　talk　about　it；　my　destiny　beside　the　other　one　is　marked　out　forever。〃

〃Ah；　how　you　love　him！　。　。　。　　How　you　have　deceived　me！〃

In　a　last　desperate　attempt　at　explanation　she　again　repeated　what　she　had　said　at　the　beginning　of　their　interview。　　She　loved　Julio　。　。　。　and　she　loved　her　husband。　　They　were　different　kinds　of　love。　　She　could　not　say　which　was　the　stronger；　but　misfortune　was　forcing　her　to　choose　between　the　two；　and　she　was　accepting　the　most　difficult；　the　one　demanding　the　greatest　sacrifices。

〃You　are　a　man；　and　you　will　never　be　able　to　understand　me。　。　。　。　A　woman　would　comprehend　me。〃

It　seemed　to　Julio；　as　he　looked　around　him；　as　though　the　afternoon　were　undergoing　some　celestial　phenomenon。　　The　garden　was　still　illuminated　by　the　sun；　but　the　green　of　the　trees；　the　yellow　of　the　ground；　the　blue　of　the　sky；　all　appeared　to　him　as　dark　and　shadowy　as　though　a　rain　of　ashes　were　falling。

〃Then　。　。　。　all　is　over　between　us？〃

His　pleading；　trembling　voice　charged　with　tears　made　her　turn　her　head　to　hide　her　emotion。　　Then　in　the　painful　silence　the　two　despairs　formed　one　and　the　same　question；　as　if　interrogating　the　shades　of　the　future：　〃What　will　become　of　me？　murmured　the　man。　And　like　an　echo　her　lips　repeated；　〃What　will　become　of　me？〃

All　had　been　said。　　Hopeless　words　came　between　the　two　like　an　obstacle　momentarily　increasing　in　size；　impelling　them　in　opposite　directions。　　Why　prolong　the　painful　interview？　。　。　。　　Marguerite　showed　the　ready　and　energetic　decision　of　a　woman　who　wishes　to　bring　a　scene　to　a　close。　　〃Good…bye！〃　　Her　face　had　assumed　a　yellowish　cast；　her　pupils　had　become　dull　and　clouded　like　the　glass　of　a　lantern　when　the　light　dies　out。　　〃Good…bye！〃　　She　must　go　to　her　patient。

She　went　away　without　looking　at　him；　and　Desnoyers　instinctively　went　in　the　opposite　direction。　　As　he　became　more　self…controlled　and　turned　to　look　at　her　again；　he　saw　her　moving　on　and　giving　her　arm　to　the　blind　man；　without　once　turning　her　head。

He　now　felt　convinced　that　he　should　never　see　her　again；　and　became　oppressed　by　an　almost　suffocating　agony。　　And　could　two　beings；　who　had　formerly　considered　the　universe　concentrated　in