jeremy-第51节

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had　something　behind　them　or　inside　them　for　which　simply　they　stood
as　words　stand　for　pictures。　He　analysed；　of　course；　nothing；　being
a　perfectly　healthy　small　boy；　but　if　afterwards　he　looked　back
these　were　the　moments　that　he　saw　as　one　sees　stations　on　a
journey。　One　day　he　would　know　for　what　they　stood。

He　simply　now　waited　there　as　though　he　expected　something　to
happen。　Thoughts　slipped　through　his　mind　quite　casually；　whether
Hamlet　were　behaving　well　outside；　what　the　old　lady　did　when　she
was　tired　of　dusting；　who　the　stone　figure　lying　near　him　might　be；
a　figure　very　fine　with　his　ruff　and　his　peaked　beard；　his　arms
folded；　his　toes　pointing　upwards；　whether　the　body　were　inside　the
stone　like　a　mummy；　or　underneath　the　ground　some…　where；　how
strangely　different　the　nave　looked　now　from　its　Sunday　show；　and
what　fun　it　would　be　to　run　races　all　the　way　down　and　see　who　could
reach　the　golden　angels　over　the　reredos　first；　he　felt　no
reverence；　and　yet　a　deep　reverence；　no　fear；　but；　nevertheless；
awe；　he　was　warm　and　happy　and　comfortable；　and　yet　suddenly；　giving
a　little　shudder；　he　slipped　out　into　the　sunlight；　released　Hamlet
and　started　for　home。




II


Back　again　in　the　bosom　of　his　family　he　felt　that　they　were
beginning　to　be　aware　of　his　departure。

〃What　shall　we　do　this　evening；　Jeremyyour　last　evening？〃　said　his
mother。

Everyone　looked　at　him。

〃Oh；　I　don't　know；〃　he　said　uncomfortably。　〃Just　as　usual；　I
suppose。〃

〃You're　making　him　feel　uncomfortable；〃　said　Aunt　Amy；　who　loved　to
explain　quite　obvious　things。　〃You　want　it　to　be　just　an　ordinary
evening；　dear；　don't　you？〃

〃Oh；　I　don't　know；〃　he　said　again；　hating　his　aunt。

〃I　don't　think　that　quite　the　way　to　speak　to　your　aunt；　my　son；〃
said　his　father。　〃We　only　inquire　out　of　kindness；　thinking　to
please　you。　No；　Mary；　no　more。　Fridayone　helping〃

〃Jeremy　might　have　another　as　it's　his　last　day；　I　suggest；〃　said
Aunt　Amy；　who　was　determined　to　be　pleasant。

〃I　don't　want　any；　thank　you；〃　said　Jeremy；　although　it　was　treacle
pudding；　which　he　loved。

〃Well；　I　think；〃　said　Mrs。　Cole；　〃that　we'll　have　high　tea　at　half…
past　seven；　and　the　children　shall　stay　up　afterwards　and　we'll　have
'Midshipman　Easy。'〃

Jeremy　loved　his　mother　intensely　at　that　moment。　How　did　she　know
so　exactly　what　was　right？　She　made　so　little　disturbance；　was　so
quiet　and　was　never　angry；　and　yet　she　was　always　right　when　the
others　were　always　wrong。　She　knew　that　above　all　things　he　loved
high　teafish　pie　and　boiled　eggs　and　tea　and　jam　and　cakea
horrible　meal　that　his　later　judgment　would　utterly　condemn；　but
nevertheless　something　so　cosy　and　so　comfortable　that　no　later　meal
would　ever　be　able　to　rival　it　in　those　qualities。

〃Oh；　that　will　be　lovely！〃　he　said；　his　face　shining　all　over。

Nevertheless；　as　the　afternoon　advanced　a　strange　new　sense　of
insecurity；　unhappiness　and　forlornness　crept　increasingly　upon　him。
He　realised　that　he　had　that　morning　said　good…bye　to　the　town；　and
now　he　felt　as　though　he　had；　in　some　way；　hurt　or　insulted　it。　And；
all　the　afternoon；　he　was　saying　farewell　to　the　house。　He　did　not
wander　from　room　to　room；　but　rather　sat　up　in　the　schoolroom
pretending　to　mend　a　fishing　rod　which　Mr。　Monk　had　given　him　that
summer。　He　did　not　really　care　about　the　rodhe　was　not　even
thinking　of　it。　He　heard　all　the　sounds　of　the　house　as　he　sat
there。　He　could　tell　all　the　clocks；　that　one　booming　softly　the
half　hours　was　in　his　mother's　bedroom；　there　was　a　rattle　and　a
whirr　and　there　came　the　cuckoo…clock　on　the　stairs；　there　was　the
fast；　cheap　careless　chatter　of　the　little　clock　on　the　schoolroom
mantelpiece；　there　was　the　whisper　of　Miss　Jones's　watch　which　she
had　put　out　on　the　table　to　mark　the　time　of　Mary's　sewing　by。　There
were　all　the　regular　sounds　of　the　house。　The　distant　closing　of
doors；　deep　down　in　the　heart　of　the　house　someone　was　using　a
sewing　machine　somewhere；　voices　came　up　out　of　the　void　and　faded
again；　someone　whistled；　someone　sang。　His　gloom　increased。　He　was
exchanging　a　world　he　knew　for　a　world　that　he　did　not　know；　and　he
could　not　escape　the　feeling　that　he　was；　in　some　way；　insulting
this　world　that　he　was　leaving。　He　bothered　himself　all　the
afternoon　with　unnecessary　stupid　affairs　to　cover　his　deep
discomfort。　He　whistled　carelessly　and　out　of　tune；　he　poked　the
fire　and　walked　about。　He　was　increasingly　aware　of　Hamlet　and　Mary。
Mary　was　determined　so　hard　that　she　would　show　no　emotion　at　all
that　she　was　a　painful　sight　to　witness。　She　scarcely　spoke　to　him；
and　only　answered　in　monosyllables　if　he　asked　her　something。

And　Hamlet　had　suddenly　discovered　that　the　atmosphere　of　the　house
was　unusual。　He　had　expected；　in　the　first　place；　to　be　taken　for　a
walk　that　afternoon；　then　his　master　was　very　busy　doing　nothing；
which　was　most　unusual。　Then　at　tea　time　his　worst　suspicions　were
confirmed。　Jeremy　suddenly　made　a　fuss　of　him；　pouring　his　tea　into
his　saucer；　giving　him　a　piece　of　bread　and　jam　and　an　extra　lump　of
sugar。　Hamlet　drank　his　tea　and　ate　his　bread　and　jam　thoughtfully。
They　were　very　nice；　but　what　was　the　matter？

He　looked　up　through　his　hair　and　discovered　that　his　master's　eyes
were　restless　and　unhappy；　and　that　he　was　thinking　of　things　that
disturbed　him。　He　went　away　to　the　fire　and；　sitting　on　his
haunches；　gazing　in　his　metaphysical　way　at　the　flames；　considered
the　matter。　Jeremy　came　over　to　him　and；　drawing　him　back　to　him；
laid　his　head　upon　his　knee　and　so　held　him。　Hamlet　did　not　move；
save　occasionally　to　sigh；　and；　once　or　twice；　to　snap　in　a　sudden
way　that　he　had　at　an　imaginary　fly。　He　thought　that　in　all
probability　his　master　had　been　punished　for　something；　and　in　this
he　was　deeply　sympathetic；　never　seeing　why　his　master　need　be
punished　for　anything　and　resenting　the　stupidity　of　human　beings
with　their　eternal　desire　to　be；　in　some　way　or　other；　asserting
their　authority。

Gradually；　in　front　of　the　hot　fire；　both　boy　and　dog　fell　asleep。
Jeremy's　dreams　were　confused；　bewildered；　distressing；　he　was
struggling　to　find　something；　was　always　climbing　higher　and　higher
to　discover　it；　only　to　be　told　that；　in　the　end；　he　was　in　the
place　where　he　had　begun。

Hamlet's　dream　was　of　an　enormous　succulent　bone　that　was　pulled
away　from　him　so　soon　as　he　snapped　at　it。　They　both　awoke　with　a
start　to　find　that　it　was　time　for　high　tea。




III


Throughout　the　evening　Jeremy　was　more　and　more　lonely。　He　had　never
before　felt　so　deep　an　affection　for　the　family　and　never　been　so
utterly　unable　to　express　it。　It　was　as　though；　during　the　whole
year　he　had；　by　his　own　will；　been　slipping　away　from　them；　and　now
they　had　gone　too　far　for　him　to　call　them　back。

He　sat　on　the　floor　at　his　mother's　feet　whilst　she　read　〃Midshipman
Easy。〃　It　was　all　so　cosy；　the　room　was　so　comfortable　with　all　the
familiar　pictures　and　photographs　and　books；　and　Helen　and　Mary
diligently　sewing；　and　Hamlet　stretched　out　in　front　of　the　fire；
his　nose　on　his　pawssix　months　ago　Jeremy　would　have　felt　utterly
and　absolutely　part　of　it。　Now　he　was　outside　it　and；　at　the　same
time；　was　inside　nothing　else。　It　might　be　that　in　a　week's　time　he
would　be　so　familiar　with　his　new　world　that　he　would　be　as　happy　as
a　crickethe　did　not　know。　He　only　knew　that　at　this　moment　he
would　have　given　all　that　he　had　to　fling　his　arms　round　his
mother's　neck；　to　be　hugged　and　kissed　and　nursed　by　her；　and　that；
at　the　same　time；　he　would　have　died　rather　than　do　such　a　thing。

The　evening　came　to　an　end。　The　girls　got　up　and　said　good…night。
His　mother　kissed　him；　holding　him　perhaps　for　a　moment　longer　than
usual；　but　at　that　same　instant　she　said：

〃Oh；　I　must　remind　Ella　about　the　half…past　seven　breakfast　again；
she　always　has　to　be　told　everything　twice。〃

The　girls　went　on　ahead；　Jeremy　and　Hamlet　following　close　behind。
Jeremy　found　himself　alone　in　the　schoolroom；　where　the　fire　was
very　low；　giving　only　little　spurts　and　flashes　that　ran　like　golden
snakes　suddenly　through　the　darkness。

Moved　by　an　impulse；　he　went　to　the　toy…cupboard　and；　opening　it；
put　his　hand　quite　by　chance　on　the　toy　village。　The　toy　village！　He
laid　it　out　and　spread　it　on　the　floor。　He　could　not　see；　but　he
knew　every　piece　by　heart；　and　he　laid　it　all　out；　the　church　and
the　flower　garden；　and　the　Noah's　house　and　the　village　street；　the
animals　and　the　Noahs。　What　centuries　ago　that　birthday　was；　what
worlds　away！　How　excited　he　had　been；　and　now！

With　a　sudden　impatient　gesture　he　tumbled　the　pieces　over　on　to
their　sides；　then　quickly；　as　though　he　were　afraid　of　the　dark；
went　into　his　bedroom　and　began　to　undress。




IV


In　the　morning　events　moved　too　quickly　for　thought。　He　had　still
the　same　lonely　pain　at　his　heart；　but　now　he　simply　was　not　given
time　to　consider　it。

His　father　called　him　into　the　study。　He　gave　him　ten　shillings　and
a　new　prayer…book。　Jeremy　knew　that　he　was　trying　to　come　close　to
him　and　be　a　friend　of　a　new　kind　to　him。

He　heard　in　a　distance　such　words　as：　〃。　。　。　a　new　world；　full　of
trial　and　tem