jeremy-第40节

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this　was　some　sort　of　horrible　disease；　with　which　she　must　wrestle
alone。　Above　all；　she　must　never　allow　Jeremy　to　know　anything　about
it。　He　was；　of　course；　sublimely　unaware　of　the　matter；　he　knew　that
Mary　was　silly　sometimes；　but　he　attributed　that　to　her　sex；　he　went
on　his　way；　happily　indifferent　whether　anyone　cared　for　him　or
no。　。　。

Mary　suffered　agonies　when；　as　sometimes　happened；　Jeremy　sat　with
his　arm　round　Helen's　neck　and　his　cheek　up　against　hers。　She
suffered　when；　in　a　mood　of　tempestuous　affection　to　the　whole
world；　he　kissed　Miss　Jones。　She　even　suffered　when　he　sat　at　his
mother's　feet　whilst　she　read　〃The　Dove　in　the　Eagle's　Nest；〃　or
〃Engel　the　Fearless。〃

Most　of　all；　however；　she　suffered　over　Hamlet。　She　knew　that　at
this　present　time　Hamlet　was　the　one　creature　for　whom　Jeremy
passionately　cared。　He　loved　his　mother；　but　with　the　love　that
custom　and　habit　has　tamed　and　modified；　although　since　Mrs。　Cole's
illness　in　the　early　summer　he　had　cared　for　her　in　a　manner　more
demonstrative　and　openly　affectionate。　Nevertheless；　it　was　Hamlet
who　commanded　Jeremy's　heart；　and　Mary　knew　it。　Matters　were　made
worse　by　the　undoubted　truth　that　Hamlet　did　not　care　very　much　for
Marythat　is；　he　never　gave　any　signs　of　caring；　and　very　often
walked　out　of　the　room　when　she　came　into　it。　Mary　could　have　cared
for　the　dog　as　enthusiastically　as　Jeremyshe　was　always
sentimental　about　animalsbut　now　she　was　shut　out　from　their
alliance；　and　she　knew　that　when　she　came　up　to　them　and　began　to
pat　or　stroke　Hamlet；　Jeremy　was　annoyed　and　Hamlet's　skin　wriggled
in　a　kind　of　retreating　fashion　under　her　fingers。　Wise　people　will
say　that　it　is　impossible　for　this　to　be　a　serious　trouble　to　a
child。　It　was　increasingly　serious　to　Mary。

Jeremy　was　not；　perhaps；　so　tactful　as　he　might　have　been。　〃Oh
bother；　Mary！〃　he　would　say。　〃You've　gone　and　waked　Hamlet　up！〃　or
〃Don't　stroke　Hamlet　that　way；　Mary；　he　hates　it！〃　or　〃No；　I'm　going
for　a　walk　with　Hamlet；　we　don't　want　anyone！〃　Or　Hamlet　himself
would　suddenly　bark　at　her　as　though　he　hated　her；　or　would　bare　his
teeth　and　grin　at　her　in　a　mocking；　sarcastic　way　that　he　had。　At
first；　as　an　answer　to　this；　she　had　the　ridiculous　idea　of　herself
adopting　an　animal；　and　she　selected；　for　this　purpose；　the　kitchen
cat；　a　dull；　somnolent　beast；　whose　sleek　black　hair　was　furtive；
and　green；　crooked　eyes　malignant。　The　cat　showed　no　signs　of
affection　for　Mary；　nor　could　she　herself　honestly　care　for　it。　When
she　brought　it　with　her　into　the　schoolroom；　Hamlet　treated　it　in　a
scornful；　sarcastic　fashion　that　was　worse　than　outrageous　attack。
The　cat　was　uncleanly；　and　was　speedily　banished　back　into　the
kitchen。　Mary's　jealousy　of　Hamlet　then　grew　apace；　and　with　that
jealousy；　unfortunately；　her　secret　appreciation　of　his　splendours。
She　could　not　help　admitting　to　herself　that　he　was　the　most
attractive　dog　in　the　world。　She　would　look　at　him　from　under　her
spectacles　when　she　was　supposed　to　be　reading　and　watch　him　as　he
rolled；　kicking　his　legs　in　the　air；　or　lay　stretched　out；　his　black
wet　nose　against　his　paws；　his　eyes　gleaming；　his　gaze　fixed　like
the　point　of　a　dagger　raised　to　strike；　upon　some　trophy；　or　enemy；
or　spoil；　or　sat；　solemn　and　pompous；　like　the　Lord　Mayor　holding　a
meeting；　as　Jeremy　said；　up　against　his　master's　leg；　square　and
solid　as　though　he　were　cut　out　of　wood；　his　peaked　beard
supercilious；　his　very　ears　at　a　patronising　angle；　or；　as　Mary
loved　best　of　all　to　see　him；　when　he　was　simply　childish；　playing；
as　though　he　was　still　a　new…　found　puppy；　with　pieces　of　paper　or
balls　of　string；　rolling　and　choking；　growling；　purring；　staggering
and　tumbling。　At　such　times；　again　and　again；　her　impulse　would　be
to　go　forward　and　applaud　him；　and　then；　the　instinct　that　she　would
be　checked　by　Jeremy　stayed　her。

She　knew　very　well　that　Jeremy　realised　nothing　of　this。　Jeremy　was
not　given　to　the　consideration　of　other　people's　motiveshis　own
independence　saved　him　from　anxiety　about　others。　He　had　the　English
characteristic　of　fancying　that　others　must　like　and　dislike　as　he
himself　liked　and　disliked。　Of　sentiment　he　had　no　knowledge
whatever。

As　this　year　grew　towards　summer　Mary　had　the　feeling　that　Jeremy
was　slipping　away　from　her。　She　did　not　know　what　had　happened　to
him。　In　the　old　days　he　had　asked　her　opinion　about　many　things；　he
had　scorned　to　enjoy　the　long　stories　that　she　had　told　himat　any
rate；　he　had　listened　to　them　very　politelyand　he　had　asked　her　to
suggest　games　or　to　play　with　his　toys。　Now　as　the　summer　drew　near；
he　did　none　of　these　things。　He　was　frankly　impatient　with　her
stories；　never　asked　her　advice　about　anything；　and　never　played
with　her。　Was　he　growing　very　conceited？　Was　it　because　he　was　going
to　school；　and　thought　himself　too　old　for　his　sisters？　No；　he　did
not　seem　to　be　conceitedhe　had　always　been　proud；　but　never
conceited。　It　was　rather　as　though　he　had　lately　had　thoughts　of　his
own；　almost　against　his　will；　and　that　these　had　shut　him　off　from
the　people　round　him。

Then；　when　their　mother　was　so　ill　and　Barbara　made　her　startling
appearance　Jeremy　kept　more　to　himself。　He　never　talked　about　his
mother's　illness；　as　did　the　others；　and　yet　Mary　knew　that　he　had
been　more　deeply　concerned　than　any　of　them。　She　had　been　miserable；
of　course；　but　to　Jeremy　it　had　been　as　though　he　had　been　led　into
a　new　world　altogether；　Helen　and　she　were　still　in　their　old
places；　and　Jeremy　had　left　them。

At　last　just　before　they　all　moved　to　Cow　Farm　Mary　made　a　silly
scene。　She　had　not　intended　to　make　a　scene。　Scenes　seemed　to　come
upon　her；　like　evil　birds；　straight　out　of　the　air；　to　seize　her
before　she　knew　where　she　was；　to　envelop　and　carry　her　up　with
them；　at　last；　when　all　the　mischief　was　done；　to　set　her　on　her
feet　again；　battered；　torn　and　bitterly　ashamed。　One　evening　she　was
sitting　deep　in　〃Charlotte　Mary；〃　and　Hamlet；　bunched　up　against　his
master's　leg；　stared　at　her。　She　had　long　ago　told　herself　that　it
was　ridiculous　to　mind　what　Hamlet　did；　that　he　was　not　looking　at
her；　and；　in　any　case；　he　was　only　a；　dogand　so　on。

But　to…night　she　was　tired；　and　had　read　so　long　that　her　head
achedHamlet　was　laughing　at　her；　his　eyes　stared　through　his　hair
at　her；　cynically；　superciliously；　contemptuously。　His　lip　curled
and　his　beard　bristled。　Moved　by　a　sudden　wild　impulse　she　picked　up
〃The　Chaplet　of　Pearls〃　and　threw　it　at　him。　It　hit　him　（not　very
severely）；　and　he　gave　the　sharp；　melodramatic　howl　that　he　always
used　when　it　was　his　dignity　rather　than　his　body　that　was　hurt。
Jeremy　looked　up；　saw　what　had　happened；　and　a　fine　scene　followed。
Mary　had　hysterics；　stamped　and　screamed　and　howled。　Jeremy；　his
face　white；　stood　and　said　nothing；　but　looked　as　though　he　hated
her；　which　at　that　moment　he　undoubtedly　did。　It　was　that　look　which
more　than　anything　else　in　the　world　she　dreaded。

She　made　herself　sick　with　crying；　then　apologised　with　an　abjection
that　only　irritated　him　the　more；　finally　remembered　the　smallest
details　of　the　affair　long　after　he　had　forgotten　all　about　it。




II


During　the　first　weeks　at　Cow　Farm　Mary　was　happy。　She　had　then　many
especial　private　joys；　such　as　climbing　into　one　of　the　old　apple
trees　behind　the　house　and　reading　there；　safe　from　the　world；　or
inventing　for　herself　wonderful　adventures　out　of　the　dark　glooms
and　sunlit　spaces　of　the　orchard；　or　creeping　about　the　lofts　and
barns　as　though　they　were　full　of　the　most　desperate　dangers　and
hazards　that　she　alone　had　the　pluck　and　intelligence　to　overcome。
Then　Mrs。　Monk　was　kind　to　her；　and　listened　to　her　imaginative
chatter　with　a　most　marvellous　patience。　Mary　did　not　know　that；
after　these　narrations；　she　would　shake　her　head　and　say　to　her
husband：　〃Not　long　for　this　world；　I'm　thinking；　poor　worm。　。　。not
long　for　this　world。〃

Then；　at　first　Jeremy　was　kind　and　considerate。　He　was　so　happy　that
he　did　not　mind　what　anyone　did；　and　he　would　listen　to　Mary's
stories　quite　in　the　old　way；　whistling　to　himself；　not　thinking
about　her　at　all　perhaps；　really；　but　very　patient。　After　the　first
fortnight　he　slipped　away　from　her　againand　now　more　than　ever
before。　He　went　off　for　long　walks　with　Hamlet；　refusing　to　take　her
with　them；　he　answered　her　questions　so　vaguely　that　she　could　see
that　he　paid　her　no　attention　at　all；　he　turned　upon　her　and　rent
her　if　she　complained。　And　it　was　all；　she　was　sure；　that　horrible
dog。　Jeremy　was　always　with　Hamlet　now。　The　free　life　that　the　farm
gave　them；　no　lessons；　no　set　hours；　no　care　for　appearances；　left
them　to　choose　their　own　ways；　and　so　developed　their
individualities。　Helen　was　now　more　and　more　with　her　elders；　was
becoming　that　invaluable　thing；　〃a　great　help　to　her　mother；〃　and
even；　to　her　own　inexhaustible　pride；　paid　two　calls　with　Mrs。　Cole
on　the　wives　of　neighbouring　farmers。　Then；　Barbara　absorbed　more
than　ever　of　Helen's　attention；　and　Mary　was　not　allowed　to　share　in
these　rites　and　services　because　〃she　always　made　Barbara　cry。〃

She　was；　therefore；　very　much　alone；　and　felt　all　her　i