the heir of redclyffe-第140节

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'Dearest　Amy！　　But　you　are　not　blaming　yourself　for　these　feelings。　　It　

might　be　wrong　to　indulge　them　and　foster　them；　but　while　you　struggle　

with　them；　they　can't　in　themselves　be　wrong。'



'I　hope　not；'　said　Amabel　pausing　to　think。　　'Yes；　I　have　〃the　joy〃　at　

the　bottom　still；　I　know　it　is　all　quite　right；　and　it　came　straight　

from　heaven；　as　he　said。　　I　can　get　happy　very　often　when　I　am　by　

myself；　or　at　church；　with　him；　it　is　only　when　I　miss　his　bright　

outside　and　can't　think　myself　into　the　inner　part；　that　it　is　so　

forlorn　and　dreary。　　I　can　do　pretty　well　alone。　　Only　I　wish　I　could　

help　being　so　troublesome　and　disagreeable　to　everybody'　said　Amy；　

concluding　in　a　matter…of…fact　tone。



'My　dear！'　said　Mary；　almost　laughing。



'It　is　so　stupid　of　me　to　be　always　poorly；　and　making　mamma　anxious　

when　there's　nothing　the　matter　with　me。　　And　I　know　I　am　a　check　on　

them　down…stairspapa；　and　Charlotte；　and　allthey　are　very　kind；　

considerate；　and　yet'she　paused'and　it　is　a　naughty　feeling；　but　

when　I　feel　all　those　dear　kind　eyes　watching　me　always；　and　wanting　me　

to　be　happy；　it　is　rather　oppressive；　especially　when　I　can't；　but　if　I　

try　not　to　disappoint　them；　I　do　make　such　a　bad　hand　of　it；　and　am　

sure　to　break　down　afterwards；　and　that　grieves　mamma　all　the　more。'



'It　will　be　better　when　this　time　of　year　is　over；'　said　Mary。



'Perhaps；　yes。　　He　always　seemed　to　belong　to　summer　days；　and　to　come　

with　them。　　Well；　I　suppose　trials　always　come　in　a　different　shape　

from　what　one　expects；　for　I　used　to　think　I　could　bear　all　the　doom　

with　him；　but；　I　did　not　know　it　would　be　without　him；　and　yet　that　is　

the　best。　　Oh；　baby！'



'I　should　not　have　come　to　disturb　her。'



'Nonever　mind；　she　never　settles　fairly　to　sleep　till　we　are　shut　in　

by　ourselves。　　Hush！　hush；　darlingNo？　　Will　nothing　do　but　being　

taken　up？　　Well；　then；　there！　　Come；　and　show　your　godmamma　what　a　

black　fringe　those　little　wakeful　eyes　are　getting。'



And　when　Mary　went　down　it　was　with　the　conviction　that　those　black　

eyelashes；　too　marked　to　he　very　pretty　in　so　young　a　babe；　were　more　

of　a　comfort　to　Amabel　than　anything　she　could　say。



The　evening　wore　on；　and　at　length　Laura　came　into　her　sister's　room。　　

She　looked　fagged　and　harassed；　the　old　face　she　used　to　wear　in　the　

time　of　disguise　and　secrecy；　Amabel　asked　if　it　had　been　a　tiresome　

party。



'YesnoI　don't　know。　　Just　like　others；'　said　Laura。



'You　are　tired；　at　any　rate；'　said　Amabel。　　'You　took　too　long　a　ride　

with　Philip。　I　saw　you　come　in　very　late。'



'I　am　not　in　the　least　tired；　thank　you。'



'Then　he　is；'　said　Amabel。　　'I　hope　he　has　not　one　of　his　headaches　

again。'



'No；'　said　Laura；　still　in　a　dissatisfied；　uncomfortable　tone。



'No？　　Dear　Laura；　I　am　sure　there　is　something　wrong；'　and　with　a　

little　more　of　her　winning；　pleading　kindness；　she　drew　from　Laura　that　

Philip　had　told　her　she　idolized　him。　　He　had　told　her　so　very　gently　

and　kindly；　but　he　had　said　she　idolized　him　in　a　manner　that　was　

neither　good　for　herself　nor　him；　and　he　went　on　to　blame　himself　for　

it；　which　was　what　she　could　not　bear。　　It　had　been　rankling　in　her　

mind　ever　since　that　he　had　found　fault　with　her　for　loving　him　so　

well；　and　it　had　made　her　very　unhappy。　　She　_could_　not　love　him　less；　

and　how　should　she　please　him？　　She　had　much　rather　he　had　blamed　her　

than　himself。



'I　think　I　see　what　he　means'　said　Amy；　thoughtfully。　　'He　has　grown　

afraid　of　himself；　and　afraid　of　being　admired　now。'



'But　how　am　I　to　help　that；　Amy？'　said　Laura；　with　tears　in　her　eyes：　

'he　cannot　help　being　the　first；　the　very　first　of　all　with　me'



'No；　no；'　said　Amy；　quickly；　'not　the　very　first；　or　what　would　you　do　

if　you　were　to　belike　me？　　Don't　turn　away；　dear　Laura；　I　don't　think　

I　over　could　bear　this　at　all；　if　dear　Guy　had　not　kept　it　always　

before　my　eyes　from　the　very　first　that　we　were　to　look　to　something　

else　besides　each　other。'



'Of　course　I　meant　the　first　earthly　thing；'　said　Laura；　but　it　was　not　

heartfeltshe　knew　she　ought；　therefore　she　thought　she　did。



'And　so；'　proceeded　Amy；　'I　think　if　that　other　is　first；　it　would　make　

you　have　some　other　standard　of　right　besides　himself；　then　you　would　

be　a　stay　and　help　to　him。　　I　think　that　is　what　he　means。'



'Amy！　let　me　ask　you；'　said　Laura；　a　little　entreatingly；　yet　as　if　she　

must　needs　put　the　question'surely；　you　never　thought　Guy　had　

faults？'



Her　colour　deepened。　　'Yes；　Laura；'　she　answered；　firmly。　　'I　could　not　

have　understood　his　repentance　if　I　had　not　thought　so。　　And；　dear　

Laura；　if　you　will　forgive　me　for　saying　it；　it　would　be　much　better　

for　yourself　and　Philip　if　you　would　see　the　truth。'



'I　thought　you　forgave　him；'　murmured　Laura。



'Oh；　Laura！　but　does　not　that　word　〃forgive〃　imply　something？　　I　could　

not　have　done　anything　to　comfort　him　that　day；　if　I　had　not　believed　

he　had　something　to　be　comforted　for。　　It　can't　be　pleasant　to　him　to　

see　you　think　his　repentance　vain。'



'It　is　noble　and　great。'



'But　if　it　was　not　real；　it　would　be　thrown　away。　　Besides；　dear　Laura；　

do　let　me　say　this　for　once。　　If　you　would　but　understand　that　you　let　

him　lead　you　into　what　was　not　right；　and　be　really　sorry　for　that；　and　

show　mamma　that　you　are；　I　do　think　it　would　all　begin　much　more　

happily　when　you　are　married。'



'I　could　never　have　told；　till　I　was　obliged　to　betray　myself；'　said　

Laura。　　'You　know；　Amy；　it　was　no　engagement。　　We　never　wrote　to　each　

other；　we　had　but　one　walk；　it　was　no　business　of　his　to　speak　till　he　

could　hope　for　papa's　consent　to　our　marriage。　　It　would　have　been　all　

confusion　if　he　had　told；　and　that　would　have　been　only　that　we　had　

always　loved　each　other　with　all　our　hearts；　which　every　one　knew　

before。'



'Yet；　Laura；　it　was　what　preyed　on　him　when　he　thought　he　was　dying。'



'Because　it　was　the　only　thing　like　a　fault　he　could　think　of；'　said　

Laura；　excited　by　this　shade　of　blame　to　defend　him　vehemently

'because　his　scruples　are　high　and　noble　and　generous。'



She　spoke　so　eagerly；　that　the　baby's　voice　again　broke　on　the　

conversation；　and　she　was　obliged　to　go　away；　but　though　her　idolatry　

was　complete；　it　did　not　seem　to　give　full　satisfaction　or　repose。　　As　

to　Philip；　though　his　love　for　her　was　unchanged；　it　now　and　then　was　

felt；　though　not　owned　by　him；　that　she　was　not　fully　a　helpmeet；　only　

a　'Self'；　not　such　a　'Self'　as　he　had　left　at　St。　Mildred's；　but　still　

reflecting　on　him　his　former　character；　instead　of　aiding　him　to　a　new　

one。









CHAPTER　43







But　nature　to　its　inmost　part

Faith　had　refined；　and　to　her　heart

　　A　peaceful　cradle　given；

Calm　as　the　dew　drops　free　to　rest

Within　a　breeze…fanned　rose's　breast

　　Till　it　exhales　to　heaven。WORDSWORTH





It　had　long　been　a　promise　that　Mr。　Edmonstone　should　take　Charlotte　to　

visit　her　grandmamma；　in　Ireland。　　They　would　have　gone　last　autumn；　

but　for　Guy's　illness；　and　now　Aunt　Charlotte　wrote　to　hasten　the　

performance　of　the　project。　　Lady　Mabel　was　very　anxious　to　see　them；　

she　said；　and　having　grown　much　more　infirm　of　late；　seemed　to　think　it　

would　be　the　last　meeting　with　her　son。　　She　talked　so　much　of　Mrs。　

Edmonstone　and　Laura；　that　it　was　plain　that　she　wished　extremely　for　a　

visit　from　them；　though　she　did　not　like　to　ask　it；　in　the　present　

state　of　the　family。



A　special　invitation　was　sent　to　Bustle；　indeed；　Charles　said　Charlotte　

could　not　have　gone　without　his　permission；　for　he　reigned　like　a　

tyrant　over　her；　evidently　believing　her　created　for　no　purpose　but　to　

wait　on　him；　and　take　him　to　walk。



Laura　was　a　great　favourite　at　the　cottage　of　Kilcoran；　and　felt　she　

ought　to　offer　to　go。　　Philip　fully　agreed；　and　held　out　home　hopes　of　

following　as　soon　as　the　session；　was　over；　and　he　had　been　to　

Redclyffe　about　some　business　that　had　been　deferred　too　long。



And　now　it　appeared　that　Mr。　Edmonstone　had　a　great　desire　to　take　his　

wife；　and　she　herself　said；　that　under　any　other　circumstances　she　

should　have　been　very　desirous　of　going。　　She　had　not　been　to　Ireland　

for　fifteen　years；　and　was　sorry　to　have　seen　so　little　of　her　mother…

in…law；　and　now　that　it　had　been　proved　that　Charles　could　exist　

without　her；　she　would　not　have　hesitated　to　leave　him；　but　for　

Amabel's　state　of　health　and　spirits；　which　made　going　from　home　out　of　

the　question。



Charles　and　Amabel　did　not　think　so。　　It　was　not　to　be　endured；　that　

when　grandmamma　wished　for　her；　she　should　stay　at　home　for　them　

without　real　necessity；　besides；　the　fatigue；　anxiety；　and　sorrow　she　

had　undergone　of　late；　had　told　on　her；　and　had　made　her　alter　

perceptibly；　from　being　remarkably　fresh　and　youthful；　to　be　somewhat　

aged；　and　the　change　to　a　new　scene；　where　s