louis lambert-第20节

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　　whole　world；　just　as　I　long　to　concentrate　in　my　love　every　idea；
　　every　power　that　is　in　me。　The　most　splendid　celebrity　is　a
　　possession　that　genius　alone　can　create。　Well；　I　can；　at　my　will；
　　make　for　you　a　bed　of　laurels。　And　if　the　silent　ovation　paid　to
　　science　is　not　all　you　desire；　I　have　within　me　the　sword　of　the
　　Word；　I　could　run　in　the　path　of　honor　and　ambition　where　others
　　only　crawl。
　　
　　〃Command　me；　Pauline；　I　will　be　whatever　you　will。　My　iron　will
　　can　do　anythingI　am　loved！　Armed　with　that　thought；　ought　not　a
　　man　to　sweep　everything　before　him？　The　man　who　wants　all　can　do
　　all。　If　you　are　the　prize　of　success；　I　enter　the　lists　to…morrow。
　　To　win　such　a　look　as　that　you　bestowed　on　me；　I　would　leap　the
　　deepest　abyss。　Through　you　I　understand　the　fabulous　achievements
　　of　chivalry　and　the　most　fantastic　tales　of　the　/Arabian　Nights/。
　　I　can　believe　now　in　the　most　fantastic　excesses　of　love；　and　in
　　the　success　of　a　prisoner's　wildest　attempt　to　recover　his
　　liberty。　You　have　aroused　the　thousand　virtues　that　lay　dormant
　　within　mepatience；　resignation；　all　the　powers　of　my　heart；　all
　　the　strength　of　my　soul。　I　live　by　you　andheavenly　thought！for
　　you。　Everything　now　has　a　meaning　for　me　in　life。　I　understand
　　everything；　even　the　vanities　of　wealth。

　　〃I　find　myself　shedding　all　the　pearls　of　the　Indies　at　your　feet；
　　I　fancy　you　reclining　either　on　the　rarest　flowers；　or　on　the
　　softest　tissues；　and　all　the　splendor　of　the　world　seems　hardly
　　worthy　of　you；　for　whom　I　would　I　could　command　the　harmony　and
　　the　light　that　are　given　out　by　the　harps　of　seraphs　and　the　stars
　　of　heaven！　Alas！　a　poor；　studious　poet；　I　offer　you　in　words
　　treasures　I　cannot　bestow；　I　can　only　give　you　my　heart；　in　which
　　you　reign　for　ever。　I　have　nothing　else。　But　are　there　no
　　treasures　in　eternal　gratitude；　in　a　smile　whose　expressions　will
　　perpetually　vary　with　perennial　happiness；　under　the　constant
　　eagerness　of　my　devotion　to　guess　the　wishes　of　your　loving　soul？
　　Has　not　one　celestial　glance　given　us　assurance　of　always
　　understanding　each　other？

　　〃I　have　a　prayer　now　to　be　said　to　God　every　nighta　prayer　full
　　of　you：　'Let　my　Pauline　be　happy！'　And　will　you　fill　all　my　days
　　as　you　now　fill　my　heart？

　　〃Farewell；　I　can　but　trust　you　to　God　alone！〃



III

　　〃Pauline！　tell　me　if　I　can　in　any　way　have　displeased　you
　　yesterday？　Throw　off　the　pride　of　heart　which　inflicts　on　me　the
　　secret　tortures　that　can　be　caused　by　one　we　love。　Scold　me　if　you
　　will！　Since　yesterday；　a　vague；　unutterable　dread　of　having
　　offended　you　pours　grief　on　the　life　of　feeling　which　you　had　made
　　so　sweet　and　so　rich。　The　lightest　veil　that　comes　between　two
　　souls　sometimes　grows　to　be　a　brazen　wall。　There　are　no　venial
　　crimes　in　love！　If　you　have　the　very　spirit　of　that　noble
　　sentiment；　you　must　feel　all　its　pangs；　and　we　must　be　unceasingly
　　careful　not　to　fret　each　other　by　some　heedless　word。

　　〃No　doubt；　my　beloved　treasure；　if　there　is　any　fault；　it　is　in
　　me。　I　cannot　pride　myself　in　the　belief　that　I　understand　a
　　woman's　heart；　in　all　the　expansion　of　its　tenderness；　all　the
　　grace　of　its　devotedness；　but　I　will　always　endeavor　to　appreciate
　　the　value　of　what　you　vouchsafe　to　show　me　of　the　secrets　of
　　yours。

　　〃Speak　to　me！　Answer　me　soon！　The　melancholy　into　which　we　are
　　thrown　by　the　idea　of　a　wrong　done　is　frightful；　it　casts　a　shroud
　　over　life；　and　doubts　on　everything。

　　〃I　spent　this　morning　sitting　on　the　bank　by　the　sunken　road；
　　gazing　at　the　turrets　of　Villenoix；　not　daring　to　go　to　our　hedge。
　　If　you　could　imagine　all　I　saw　in　my　soul！　What　gloomy　visions
　　passed　before　me　under　the　gray　sky；　whose　cold　sheen　added　to　my
　　dreary　mood！　I　had　dark　presentiments！　I　was　terrified　lest　I
　　should　fail　to　make　you　happy。

　　〃I　must　tell　you　everything；　my　dear　Pauline。　There　are　moments
　　when　the　spirit　of　vitality　seems　to　abandon　me。　I　feel　bereft　of
　　all　strength。　Everything　is　a　burden　to　me；　every　fibre　of　my　body
　　is　inert；　every　sense　is　flaccid；　my　sight　grows　dim；　my　tongue　is
　　paralyzed；　my　imagination　is　extinct；　desire　is　deadnothing
　　survives　but　my　mere　human　vitality。　At　such　times；　though　you
　　were　in　all　the　splendor　of　your　beauty；　though　you　should　lavish
　　on　me　your　subtlest　smiles　and　tenderest　words；　an　evil　influence
　　would　blind　me；　and　distort　the　most　ravishing　melody　into
　　discordant　sounds。　At　those　timesas　I　believesome
　　argumentative　demon　stands　before　me；　showing　me　the　void　beneath
　　the　most　real　possessions。　This　pitiless　demon　mows　down　every
　　flower；　and　mocks　at　the　sweetest　feelings；　saying：　'Welland
　　then？'　He　mars　the　fairest　work　by　showing　me　its　skeleton；　and
　　reveals　the　mechanism　of　things　while　hiding　the　beautiful
　　results。

　　〃At　those　terrible　moments；　when　the　evil　spirit　takes　possession
　　of　me；　when　the　divine　light　is　darkened　in　my　soul　without　my
　　knowing　the　cause；　I　sit　in　grief　and　anguish；　I　wish　myself　deaf
　　and　dumb；　I　long　for　death　to　give　me　rest。　These　hours　of　doubt
　　and　uneasiness　are　perhaps　inevitable；　at　any　rate；　they　teach　me
　　not　to　be　proud　after　the　flights　which　have　borne　me　to　the　skies
　　where　I　have　gathered　a　full　harvest　of　thoughts；　for　it　is　always
　　after　some　long　excursion　in　the　vast　fields　of　the　intellect；　and
　　after　the　most　luminous　speculations；　that　I　tumble；　broken　and
　　weary；　into　this　limbo。　At　such　a　moment；　my　angel；　a　wife　would
　　double　my　love　for　herat　any　rate；　she　might。　If　she　were
　　capricious；　ailing；　or　depressed；　she　would　need　the　comforting
　　overflow　of　ingenious　affection；　and　I　should　not　have　a　glance　to
　　bestow　on　her。　It　is　my　shame；　Pauline；　to　have　to　tell　you　that
　　at　times　I　could　weep　with　you；　but　that　nothing　could　make　me
　　smile。

　　〃A　woman　can　always　conceal　her　troubles；　for　her　child；　or　for
　　the　man　she　loves；　she　can　laugh　in　the　midst　of　suffering。　And
　　could　not　I；　for　you；　Pauline；　imitate　the　exquisite　reserve　of　a
　　woman？　Since　yesterday　I　have　doubted　my　own　power。　If　I　could
　　displease　you　once；　if　I　failed　once　to　understand　you；　I　dread
　　lest　I　should　often　be　carried　out　of　our　happy　circle　by　my　evil
　　demon。　Supposing　I　were　to　have　many　of　those　dreadful　moods；　or
　　that　my　unbounded　love　could　not　make　up　for　the　dark　hours　of　my
　　lifethat　I　were　doomed　to　remain　such　as　I　am？Fatal　doubts！

　　〃Power　is　indeed　a　fatal　possession　if　what　I　feel　within　me　is
　　power。　Pauline；　go！　Leave　me；　desert　me！　Sooner　would　I　endure
　　every　ill　in　life　than　endure　the　misery　of　knowing　that　you　were
　　unhappy　through　me。

　　〃But；　perhaps；　the　demon　has　had　such　empire　over　me　only　because
　　I　have　had　no　gentle；　white　hands　about　me　to　drive　him　off。　No
　　woman　has　ever　shed　on　me　the　balm　of　her　affection；　and　I　know
　　not　whether；　if　love　should　wave　his　pinions　over　my　head　in　these
　　moments　of　exhaustion；　new　strength　might　not　be　given　to　my
　　spirit。　This　terrible　melancholy　is　perhaps　a　result　of　my
　　isolation；　one　of　the　torments　of　a　lonely　soul　which　pays　for　its
　　hidden　treasures　with　groans　and　unknown　suffering。　Those　who
　　enjoy　little　shall　suffer　little；　immense　happiness　entails
　　unutterable　anguish！

　　〃How　terrible　a　doom！　If　it　be　so；　must　we　not　shudder　for
　　ourselves；　we　who　are　superhumanly　happy？　If　nature　sells　us
　　everything　at　its　true　value；　into　what　pit　are　we　not　fated　to
　　fall？　Ah！　the　most　fortunate　lovers　are　those　who　die　together　in
　　the　midst　of　their　youth　and　love！　How　sad　it　all　is！　Does　my　soul
　　foresee　evil　in　the　future？　I　examine　myself；　wondering　whether
　　there　is　anything　in　me　that　can　cause　you　a　moment's　anxiety。　I
　　love　you　too　selfishly　perhaps？　I　shall　be　laying　on　your　beloved
　　head　a　burden　heavy　out　of　all　proportion　to　the　joy　my　love　can
　　bring　to　your　heart。　If　there　dwells　in　me　some　inexorable　power
　　which　I　must　obeyif　I　am　compelled　to　curse　when　you　pray；　if
　　some　dark　thought　coerces　me　when　I　would　fain　kneel　at　your　feet
　　and　play　as　a　child；　will　you　not　be　jealous　of　that　wayward　and
　　tricky　spirit？

　　〃You　understand；　dearest　heart；　that　what　I　dread　is　not　being
　　wholly　yours；　that　I　would　gladly　forego　all　the　sceptres　and　the
　　palms　of　the　world　to　enshrine　you　in　one　eternal　thought；　to　see
　　a　perfect　life　and　an　exquisite　poem　in　our　rapturous　love；　to
　　throw　my　soul　into　it；　drown　my　powers；　and　wring　from　each　hour
　　the　joys　it　has　to　give！

　　〃Ah；　my　memories　of　love　are　crowding　back　upon　me；　the　clouds　of
　　despair　will　lift。　Farewell。　I　leave　you　now　to　be　more　entirely
　　yours。　My　beloved　soul；　I　look　for　a　line；　a　word　that　may　restore
　　my　peace　of　mind。　Let　me　know　whether　I　really　grieved　my　Pauline；
　　or　whether　some　uncertain　expression　of　her　countenance　misled　me。
　　I　could　not　bear　to　have　to　reproach　myself　after　a　whole　life　of
　　happiness；　for　ever　having　met　you　without　a　smile　of　love；　a
　　honeyed　word。　To　grieve　the　woman　I　lovePauline；　I　should　count
　　it　a　crime。　Tell　me　the　truth；　do　not　put　me　off　with　some
　　magnanimous