louis lambert-第19节

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　　read　it；　my　life　will　be　in　your　hands；　for　I　love　you；　and　to　me；
　　the　hope　of　being　loved　is　life。　Others；　perhaps；　ere　now；　have；
　　in　speaking　of　themselves；　misused　the　words　I　must　employ　to
　　depict　the　state　of　my　soul；　yet；　I　beseech　you　to　believe　in　the
　　truth　of　my　expressions；　though　weak；　they　are　sincere。　Perhaps　I
　　ought　not　thus　to　proclaim　my　love。　Indeed；　my　heart　counseled　me
　　to　wait　in　silence　till　my　passion　should　touch　you；　that　I　might
　　the　better　conceal　it　if　its　silent　demonstrations　should
　　displease　you；　or　till　I　could　express　it　even　more　delicately
　　than　in　words　if　I　found　favor　in　your　eyes。　However；　after　having
　　listened　for　long　to　the　coy　fears　that　fill　a　youthful　heart　with
　　alarms；　I　write　in　obedience　to　the　instinct　which　drags　useless
　　lamentations　from　the　dying。

　　〃It　has　needed　all　my　courage　to　silence　the　pride　of　poverty；　and
　　to　overleap　the　barriers　which　prejudice　erects　between　you　and
　　me。　I　have　had　to　smother　many　reflections　to　love　you　in　spite　of
　　your　wealth；　and　as　I　write　to　you；　am　I　not　in　danger　of　the
　　scorn　which　women　often　reserve　for　profession　of　love；　which　they
　　accept　only　as　one　more　tribute　of　flattery？　But　we　cannot　help
　　rushing　with　all　our　might　towards　happiness；　or　being　attracted
　　to　the　life　of　love　as　a　plant　is　to　the　light；　we　must　have　been
　　very　unhappy　before　we　can　conquer　the　torment；　the　anguish　of
　　those　secret　deliberations　when　reason　proves　to　us　by　a　thousand
　　arguments　how　barren　our　yearning　must　be　if　it　remains　buried　in
　　our　hearts；　and　when　hopes　bid　us　dare　everything。

　　〃I　was　happy　when　I　admired　you　in　silence；　I　was　so　lost　in　the
　　contemplation　of　your　beautiful　soul；　that　only　to　see　you　left　me
　　hardly　anything　further　to　imagine。　And　I　should　not　now　have
　　dared　to　address　you　if　I　had　not　heard　that　you　were　leaving。
　　What　misery　has　that　one　word　brought　upon　me！　Indeed；　it　is　my
　　despair　that　has　shown　me　the　extent　of　my　attachmentit　is
　　unbounded。　Mademoiselle；　you　will　never　knowat　least；　I　hope　you
　　may　never　knowthe　anguish　of　dreading　lest　you　should　lose　the
　　only　happiness　that　has　dawned　on　you　on　earth；　the　only　thing
　　that　has　thrown　a　gleam　of　light　in　the　darkness　of　misery。　I
　　understood　yesterday　that　my　life　was　no　more　in　myself；　but　in
　　you。　There　is　but　one　woman　in　the　world　for　me；　as　there　is　but
　　one　thought　in　my　soul。　I　dare　not　tell　you　to　what　a　state　I　am
　　reduced　by　my　love　for　you。　I　would　have　you　only　as　a　gift　from
　　yourself；　I　must　therefore　avoid　showing　myself　to　you　in　all　the
　　attractiveness　of　dejectionfor　is　it　not　often　more　impressive
　　to　a　noble　soul　than　that　of　good　fortune？　There　are　many　things　I
　　may　not　tell　you。　Indeed；　I　have　too　lofty　a　notion　of　love　to
　　taint　it　with　ideas　that　are　alien　to　its　nature。　If　my　soul　is
　　worthy　of　yours；　and　my　life　pure；　your　heart　will　have　a
　　sympathetic　insight；　and　you　will　understand　me！

　　〃It　is　the　fate　of　man　to　offer　himself　to　the　woman　who　can　make
　　him　believe　in　happiness；　but　it　is　your　prerogative　to　reject　the
　　truest　passion　if　it　is　not　in　harmony　with　the　vague　voices　in
　　your　heartthat　I　know。　If　my　lot；　as　decided　by　you；　must　be
　　adverse　to　my　hopes；　mademoiselle；　let　me　appeal　to　the　delicacy
　　of　your　maiden　soul　and　the　ingenuous　compassion　of　a　woman　to
　　burn　my　letter。　On　my　knees　I　beseech　you　to　forget　all！　Do　not
　　mock　at　a　feeling　that　is　wholly　respectful；　and　that　is　too
　　deeply　graven　on　my　heart　ever　to　be　effaced。　Break　my　heart；　but
　　do　not　rend　it！　Let　the　expression　of　my　first　love；　a　pure　and
　　youthful　love；　be　lost　in　your　pure　and　youthful　heart！　Let　it　die
　　there　as　a　prayer　rises　up　to　die　in　the　bosom　of　God！

　　〃I　owe　you　much　gratitude：　I　have　spent　delicious　hours　occupied
　　in　watching　you；　and　giving　myself　up　to　the　faint　dreams　of　my
　　life；　do　not　crush　these　long　but　transient　joys　by　some　girlish
　　irony。　Be　satisfied　not　to　answer　me。　I　shall　know　how　to
　　interpret　your　silence；　you　will　see　me　no　more。　If　I　must　be
　　condemned　to　know　for　ever　what　happiness　means；　and　to　be　for
　　ever　bereft　of　it；　if；　like　a　banished　angel；　I　am　to　cherish　the
　　sense　of　celestial　joys　while　bound　for　ever　to　a　world　of　sorrow
　　well；　I　can　keep　the　secret　of　my　love　as　well　as　that　of　my
　　griefs。And　farewell！

　　〃Yes；　I　resign　you　to　God；　to　whom　I　will　pray　for　you；　beseeching
　　Him　to　grant　you　a　happy　life；　for　even　if　I　am　driven　from　your
　　heart；　into　which　I　have　crept　by　stealth；　still　I　shall　ever　be
　　near　you。　Otherwise；　of　what　value　would　the　sacred　words　be　of
　　this　letter；　my　first　and　perhaps　my　last　entreaty？　If　I　should
　　ever　cease　to　think　of　you；　to　love　you　whether　in　happiness　or　in
　　woe；　should　I　not　deserve　my　punishment？〃



II

　　〃You　are　not　going　away！　And　I　am　loved！　I；　a　poor；　insignificant
　　creature！　My　beloved　Pauline；　you　do　not　yourself　know　the　power
　　of　the　look　I　believe　in；　the　look　you　gave　me　to　tell　me　that　you
　　had　chosen　meyou　so　young　and　lovely；　with　the　world　at　your
　　feet！

　　〃To　enable　you　to　understand　my　happiness；　I　should　have　to　give
　　you　a　history　of　my　life。　If　you　had　rejected　me；　all　was　over　for
　　me。　I　have　suffered　too　much。　Yes；　my　love　for　you；　my　comforting
　　and　stupendous　love；　was　a　last　effort　of　yearning　for　the
　　happiness　my　soul　strove　to　reacha　soul　crushed　by　fruitless
　　labor；　consumed　by　fears　that　make　me　doubt　myself；　eaten　into　by
　　despair　which　has　often　urged　me　to　die。　No　one　in　the　world　can
　　conceive　of　the　terrors　my　fateful　imagination　inflicts　on　me。　It
　　often　bears　me　up　to　the　sky；　and　suddenly　flings　me　to　earth
　　again　from　prodigious　heights。　Deep…seated　rushes　of　power；　or
　　some　rare　and　subtle　instance　of　peculiar　lucidity；　assure　me　now
　　and　then　that　I　am　capable　of　great　things。　Then　I　embrace　the
　　universe　in　my　mind；　I　knead；　shape　it；　inform　it；　I　comprehend　it
　　or　fancy　that　I　do；　then　suddenly　I　awakealone；　sunk　in
　　blackest　night；　helpless　and　weak；　I　forget　the　light　I　saw　but
　　now；　I　find　no　succor；　above　all；　there　is　no　heart　where　I　may
　　take　refuge。

　　〃This　distress　of　my　inner　life　affects　my　physical　existence。　The
　　nature　of　my　character　gives　me　over　to　the　raptures　of　happiness
　　as　defenceless　as　when　the　fearful　light　of　reflection　comes　to
　　analyze　and　demolish　them。　Gifted　as　I　am　with　the　melancholy
　　faculty　of　seeing　obstacles　and　success　with　equal　clearness；
　　according　to　the　mood　of　the　moment；　I　am　happy　or　miserable　by
　　turns。

　　〃Thus；　when　I　first　met　you；　I　felt　the　presence　of　an　angelic
　　nature；　I　breathed　an　air　that　was　sweet　to　my　burning　breast；　I
　　heard　in　my　soul　the　voice　that　never　can　be　false；　telling　me
　　that　here　was　happiness；　but　perceiving　all　the　barriers　that
　　divided　us；　I　understood　the　vastness　of　their　pettiness；　and
　　these　difficulties　terrified　me　more　than　the　prospect　of
　　happiness　could　delight　me。　At　once　I　felt　the　awful　reaction
　　which　casts　my　expansive　soul　back　on　itself；　the　smile　you　had
　　brought　to　my　lips　suddenly　turned　to　a　bitter　grimace；　and　I
　　could　only　strive　to　keep　calm；　while　my　soul　was　boiling　with　the
　　turmoil　of　contradictory　emotions。　In　short；　I　experienced　that
　　gnawing　pang　to　which　twenty…three　years　of　suppressed　sighs　and
　　betrayed　affections　have　not　inured　me。

　　〃Well；　Pauline；　the　look　by　which　you　promised　that　I　should　be
　　happy　suddenly　warmed　my　vitality；　and　turned　all　my　sorrows　into
　　joy。　Now；　I　could　wish　that　I　had　suffered　more。　My　love　is
　　suddenly　full…grown。　My　soul　was　a　wide　territory　that　lacked　the
　　blessing　of　sunshine；　and　your　eyes　have　shed　light　on　it。　Beloved
　　providence！　you　will　be　all　in　all　to　me；　orphan　as　I　am；　without
　　a　relation　but　my　uncle。　You　will　be　my　whole　family；　as　you　are
　　my　whole　wealth；　nay；　the　whole　world　to　me。　Have　you　not　bestowed
　　on　me　every　gladness　man　can　desire　in　that　chastelavishtimid
　　glance？

　　〃You　have　given　me　incredible　self…confidence　and　audacity。　I　can
　　dare　all　things　now。　I　came　back　to　Blois　in　deep　dejection。　Five
　　years　of　study　in　the　heart　of　Paris　had　made　me　look　on　the　world
　　as　a　prison。　I　had　conceived　of　vast　schemes；　and　dared　not　speak
　　of　them。　Fame　seemed　to　me　a　prize　for　charlatans；　to　which　a
　　really　noble　spirit　should　not　stoop。　Thus；　my　ideas　could　only
　　make　their　way　by　the　assistance　of　a　man　bold　enough　to　mount　the
　　platform　of　the　press；　and　to　harangue　loudly　the　simpletons　he
　　scorns。　This　kind　of　courage　I　have　not。　I　ploughed　my　way　on；
　　crushed　by　the　verdict　of　the　crowd；　in　despair　at　never　making　it
　　hear　me。　I　was　at　once　too　humble　and　too　lofty！　I　swallowed　my
　　thoughts　as　other　men　swallow　humiliations。　I　had　even　come　to
　　despise　knowledge；　blaming　it　for　yielding　no　real　happiness。

　　〃But　since　yesterday　I　am　wholly　changed。　For　your　sake　I　now
　　covet　every　palm　of　glory；　every　triumph　of　success。　When　I　lay　my
　　head　on　your　knees；　I　could　wish　to　attract　to　you　the　eyes　of　the
　　whole　world；　just　as　I　long　to　concentrate　in　my　lo