the choir invisible-第30节
按键盘上方向键 ← 或 → 可快速上下翻页，按键盘上的 Enter 键可回到本书目录页，按键盘上方向键 ↑ 可回到本页顶部！
————未阅读完？加入书签已便下次继续阅读！
was in love with a married woman？〃
〃Yes；〃 said John； secretly writhing； but too truthful to say 〃no。〃
〃What did he do about it？〃 asked Amy。
〃I don't know；〃 replied John； shortly。 〃What do you think he ought to have done？ What would you do？〃 asked Amy。 〃I don't know；〃 replied John； more coolly； turning away his confused face。
Neither of you seems to know anything this afternoon；〃 observed Amy； 〃and I'd always been led to suppose that each of you knew everything。〃
As she departed with her sewing； she turned to send a final arrow； with some genuine feeling。 〃I think I'll send for uncle to come and talk tome。〃
〃Stay and talk to us；〃 Mrs。 Falconer called to her with a sincere； pitying laugh。 〃Come back！〃
Amy's questions had passed high over her head like a little flock of chattering birds they had struck him low； like bullets。
〃Go on；〃 she said quietly； when they were seated again； 〃what was it about the harvest？〃
He could not reply at once； and she let him sit in silence； looking across the garden while she took up her knitting from the end of the bench； and leaning lightly toward him； measured a few rows of stitches across his wrist。 It gave way under her touch。
〃These are your mittens for next winter；〃 she said softly； more softly than he had ever heard her speak。 And the quieting melody of her mere tone！how unlike that other voice which bored joyously into you as a bright gimlet twists its unfeeling head into wood。 He turned on her one quick； beautiful look of gratitude。
〃What was it about the harvest？〃 she repeated； forbearing to return his look； and thinking that all his embarrassment followed from the pain of having thus met Amy。
He began to speak very slowly： 〃The last time I was here I boasted that I had yet to meet my first great defeat in life 。 。 。 that there was nothing stronger in the world than a man's will and purpose 。 。 。 that if ideals got shattered； we shattered them 。 。 。 that I would go on doing with my life as I had planned； be what I wished； have what I wanted。〃
〃Well？〃 she urged； busy with her needles。
〃I know better now。〃
〃Aren't you the better for knowing better？〃 He made no reply； so that she began to say very simply and as a matter of course： 〃It's the defeat more than anything else that hurts you！ Defeat is always the hardest thing for you to stand； even in trifles。 But don't you know that we have to be defeated in order to succeed？ Most of us spend half our lives in fighting for things that would only destroy us if we got them。 A man who has never been defeated is usually a man who has been ruined。 And； of course；〃 she added with light raillery； 〃of course there are things stronger than the strongest will and purpose： the sum of other men's wills and purposes； for instance。 A single soldier may have all the will and purpose to whip an army； but he doesn't do it。 And a man may have all the will and purpose to whip the world； walk over it rough…shod； shoulder it out of his way as you'd like to do； but he doesn't do it。 And of course we do not shatter our ideals ourselvesalways： a thousand things outside ourselves do that for us。 And what reason had you to say that you would have what you wanted？ Your wishes are not infallible。 Suppose you craved the forbidden？〃
She looked over at him archly； but he jerked his face farther away。 Then he spoke out with the impulse to get away from her question：
〃I could stand to be worsted by great things。 But the little ones； the low； the coarse； the trivial！ Ever since I was here lastbeginning that very nightI have been struggling like a beast with his foot in a trap。 I don't mean Amy！〃 he cried apologetically。
〃I'm glad you've discovered there are little things；〃 she replied。 〃I had feared you might never find that out。 I'm not sure yet that you have。 One of your great troubles is that everything in life looks too large to you； too serious； too important。 You fight the gnats of the world as you fought your panther。 With you everything is a mortal combat。 You run every butterfly down and break it on an iron wheel； after you have broken it； it doesn't matter： everything is as it was before； except that you have lost time and strength。 The only things that need trouble us very much are not the things it is right to conquer； but the things it is wrong to conquer。 If you ever conquer in yourself anything that is right； that will be a real trouble for you as long as you liveand for me！〃
He turned quickly and sat facing her； the muscles of his face moving convulsively。 She did not look at him； but went on：
〃The last time you were here； you told me that I did not appreciate Amy； that I could not do her justice； but that no woman could ever understand why a man loved any other woman。〃
〃Did I say that？〃 he muttered remorsefully。
〃It was because you did not appreciate heit was because you would never be able to do her justicethat I was so opposed to the marriage。 And this was largely a question of little things。 I knew perfectly well that as soon as you married Amy； you would begin to expect her to act as though she were made of iron： so many pieces； so many wheels； so many cogs； so many revolutions。 All the inevitable little things that make up the most of her lifethat make up so large a part of every woman's lifethe little moods； the little play； little changes； little tempers and inconsistencies and contradictions and falsities and hypocrisies which come every morning and go every night；all these would soon have been to youoh！ I'm afraid they'd have been as big as a herd of buffalo！ There would have been a bull fight for every foible。〃
She laughed out merrily； but she did not look at him。
〃Yes；〃 she continued； trying to drain his cup for him； since he would not do it himself； 〃you are the last man in the world to do a woman like Amy justice。 I'm afraid you will never do justice to any woman； unless you change a good deal and learn a good deal。 Perhaps no woman will ever understand youexcept me。〃
She looked up at him now with the clearest fondness in her exquisite eyes。
With a groan he suddenly leaned over and buried his face in his hands。 His hat fell over on the grass。 Her knitting dropped to her lap； and one of her hands went out quickly toward his big head； heavy with its shaggy reddish mass of hair； which had grown long during his sickness。 But at the first touch she quickly withdrew it； and stooping over picked up his hat and put it on her knees； and sat beside him silent and motionless。
He straightened himself up a moment later； and keeping his face turned away reached for his hat and drew it down over his eyes。
〃I can't tell you！ You don't understand！〃 he said in a broken voice。
〃I understand everything。 Amy has told me…poor little Amy！ She is not wholly to blame。 I blame you more。 You may have been in love with your idea of her； but anything like that idea she never has been and never will be； and who is responsible for your idea； then； but yourself？ It is a mistake that many a man makes； and when the woman disappoints him； he blames her； and deserts her or makes her life a torment。 Of course a woman may make the same mistake； but； as a rule； women are better judges of men than men are of women。 Besides； if they find themselves mistaken； they bear their disappointment better and show it less： they alone know their tragedy； it is the unperceived that kills。〃
The first tears that he had ever seen gathered and dimmed her eyes。 She was too proud either to acknowledge them or to hide them。 Her lids fell quickly to curtain them in； and the lashes received them in their long； thick fringes。 But she had suffered herself to go too far。
〃Ah； if you had loved her！ loved her！〃 she cried with an intensity of passion； a weary； immeasurable yearning； that seemed to come from a life in death。 The strength of that cry struck him as a rushing wind strikes a young eagle on the breast； lifting him from his rock and setting him afloat on the billows of a rising storm。 His spirit mounted the spirit of her unmated confession； rode it as its master； exulted in it as his element and his home。 But the stricken man remained motionless on the bench a few feet from the woman； looking straight across the garden； with his hands clinched about his knees； his hat hiding his eyes； his jaws set sternly with the last grip of resolution。
It was some time before either spoke。 Then her voice was very quiet。
〃You found out your mistake in time； suppose it had been too late？ But this is all so sad； we will never speak of it again。 Only you ought to feel that from this time you can go on with the plans of your life uninterrupted。 Begin with all this as small defeat that means a larger victory！ There is no entanglement now； not a drawback； what a future！ It does look as though you might now have everything that you set your heart on。〃
She glanced up at him with a mournful smile； and taking the knitting which had lain forgotten in her lap leaned over again and measured the stitches upon his wrist。
〃When do you start？〃 she asked； seeing a terrible trouble gathering in his face and resolved to draw his thoughts to other things。
〃Next week。〃
The knitting fell again。
〃And you have allowed all this time to go
