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the argument might be that in any case some vessel in my heart

would give way; or something would burst and all would be over; I

could not patiently await that end。  The horror of darkness was too

great; and I wished to free myself from it as quickly as possible

by noose or bullet。  that was the feeling which drew me most

strongly towards suicide。

     





                                V



     〃But perhaps I have overlooked something; or misunderstood

something?〃 said to myself several times。  〃It cannot be that this

condition of despair is natural to man!〃  And I sought for an

explanation of these problems in all the branches of knowledge

acquired by men。  I sought painfully and long; not from idle

curiosity or listlessly; but painfully and persistently day and

night  sought as a perishing man seeks for safety  and I found

nothing。

     I sought in all the sciences; but far from finding what I

wanted; became convinced that all who like myself had sought in

knowledge for the meaning of life had found nothing。  And not only

had they found nothing; but they had plainly acknowledged that the

very thing which made me despair  namely the senselessness of

life  is the one indubitable thing man can know。

     I sought everywhere; and thanks to a life spent in learning;

and thanks also to my relations with the scholarly world; I had

access to scientists and scholars in all branches of knowledge; and

they readily showed me all their knowledge; not only in books but

also in conversation; so that I had at my disposal all that science

has to say on this question of life。

     I was long unable to believe that it gives no other reply to

life's questions than that which it actually does give。  It long

seemed to me; when I saw the important and serious air with which

science announces its conclusions which have nothing in common with

the real questions of human life; that there was something I had

not understood。  I long was timid before science; and it seemed to

me that the lack of conformity between the answers and my questions

arose not by the fault of science but from my ignorance; but the

matter was for me not a game or an amusement but one of life and

death; and I was involuntarily brought to the conviction that my

questions were the only legitimate ones; forming the basis of all

knowledge; and that I with my questions was not to blame; but

science if it pretends to reply to those questions。

     My question  that which at the age of fifty brought me to

the verge of suicide  was the simplest of questions; lying in the

soul of every man from the foolish child to the wisest elder: it

was a question without an answer to which one cannot live; as I had

found by experience。  It was: 〃What will come of what I am doing

today or shall do tomorrow?  What will come of my whole life?〃

     Differently expressed; the question is:  〃Why should I live;

why wish for anything; or do anything?〃  It can also be expressed

thus:  〃Is there any meaning in my life that the inevitable death

awaiting me does not destroy?〃

     To this one question; variously expressed; I sought an answer

in science。  And I found that in relation to that question all

human knowledge is divided as it were into tow opposite hemispheres

at the ends of which are two poles:  the one a negative and the

other a positive; but that neither at the one nor the other pole is

there an answer to life's questions。

     The one series of sciences seems not to recognize the

question; but replies clearly and exactly to its own independent

questions: that is the series of experimental sciences; and at the

extreme end of it stands mathematics。  The other series of sciences

recognizes the question; but does not answer it; that is the series

of abstract sciences; and at the extreme end of it stands

metaphysics。

     From early youth I had been interested in the abstract

sciences; but later the mathematical and natural sciences attracted

me; and until I put my question definitely to myself; until that

question had itself grown up within me urgently demanding a

decision; I contented myself with those counterfeit answers which

science gives。

     Now in the experimental sphere I said to myself: 〃Everything

develops and differentiates itself; moving towards complexity and

perfection; and there are laws directing this movement。  You are a

part of the whole。  Having learnt as far as possible the whole; and

having learnt the law of evolution; you will understand also your

place in the whole and will know yourself。〃  Ashamed as I am to

confess it; there wa a time when I seemed satisfied with that。  It

was just the time when I was myself becoming more complex and was

developing。 My muscles were growing and strengthening; my memory

was being enriched; my capacity to think and understand was

increasing; I was growing and developing; and feeling this growth

in myself it was natural for me to think that such was the

universal law in which I should find the solution of the question

of my life。  But a time came when the growth within me ceased。  I

felt that I was not developing; but fading; my muscles were

weakening; my teeth falling out; and I saw that the law not only

did not explain anything to me; but that there never had been or

could be such a law; and that I had taken for a law what I had

found in myself at a certain period of my life。  I regarded the

definition of that law more strictly; and it became clear to me

that there could be no law of endless development; it became clear

that to say; 〃in infinite space and time everything develops;

becomes more perfect and more complex; is differentiated〃; is to

say nothing at all。  These are all words with no meaning; for in

the infinite there is neither complex nor simple; neither forward

nor backward; nor better or worse。

     Above all; my personal question; 〃What am I with my desires?〃

remained quite unanswered。  And I understood that those sciences

are very interesting and attractive; but that they are exact and

clear in inverse proportion to their applicability to the question

of life: the less their applicability to the question of life; the

more exact and clear they are; while the more they try to reply to

the question of life; the more obscure and unattractive they

become。  If one turns to the division of sciences which attempt to

reply to the questions of life  to physiology; psychology;

biology; sociology  one encounters an appalling poverty of

thought; the greatest obscurity; a quite unjustifiable pretension

to solve irrelevant question; and a continual contradiction of each

authority by others and even by himself。  If one turns to the

branches of science which are not concerned with the solution of

the questions of life; but which reply to their own special

scientific questions; one is enraptured by the power of man's mind;

but one knows in advance that they give no reply to life's

questions。  Those sciences simply ignore life's questions。  They

say:  〃To the question of what you are and why you live we have no

reply; and are not occupied with that; but if you want to know the

laws of light; of chemical combinations; the laws of development of

organisms; if you want to know the laws of bodies and their form;

and the relation of numbers and quantities; if you want to know the

laws of your mind; to all that we have clear; exact and

unquestionable replies。〃

     In general the relation of the experimental sciences to life's

question may be expressed thus:  Question: 〃Why do I live?〃 

Answer: 〃In infinite space; in infinite time; infinitely small

particles change their forms in infinite complexity; and when you

have under stood the laws of those mutations of form you will

understand why you live on the earth。〃

     Then in the sphere of abstract science I said to myself:  〃All

humanity lives and develops on the basis of spiritual principles

and ideals which guide it。  Those ideals are expressed in

religions; in sciences; in arts; in forms of government。  Those

ideals become more and more elevated; and humanity advances to its

highest welfare。  I am part of humanity; and therefore my vocation

is to forward the recognition and the realization of the ideals of

humanity。〃  And at the time of my weak…mindedness I was satisfied

with that; but as soon as the question of life presented itself

clearly to me; those theories immediately crumbled away。  Not to

speak of the unscrupulous obscurity with which those sciences

announce conclusions formed on the study of a small part of mankind

as general conclusions; not to speak of the mutual contradictions

of different adherents of this view as to what are the ideals of

humanity; the strangeness; not to say stupidity; of the theory

consists in the fact that in order to reply to the question facing

each man:  〃What am I?〃 or 〃Why do I live?〃 or 〃What must I do?〃

one has first to decide the questio

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