a confession(忏悔录)-第10节

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　　　　　Rational　knowledge　presented　by　the　learned　and　wise；　denies

the　meaning　of　life；　but　the　enormous　masses　of　men；　the　whole　of

mankind　receive　that　meaning　in　irrational　knowledge。　And　that

irrational　knowledge　is　faith；　that　very　thing　which　I　could　not

but　reject。　　It　is　God；　One　in　Three；　the　creation　in　six　days；　the

devils　and　angels；　and　all　the　rest　that　I　cannot　accept　as　long　as

I　retain　my　reason。

　　　　　My　position　was　terrible。　　I　knew　I　could　find　nothing　along

the　path　of　reasonable　knowledge　except　a　denial　of　life；　and　there

　in　faith　　was　nothing　but　a　denial　of　reason；　which　was　yet

more　impossible　for　me　than　a　denial　of　life。　　From　rational

knowledge　it　appeared　that　life　is　an　evil；　people　know　this　and　it

is　in　their　power　to　end　life；　yet　they　lived　and　still　live；　and

I　myself　live；　though　I　have　long　known　that　life　is　senseless　and

an　evil。　　By　faith　it　appears　that　in　order　to　understand　the

meaning　of　life　I　must　renounce　my　reason；　the　very　thing　for　which

alone　a　meaning　is　required。





　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　IX



　　　　　A　contradiction　arose　from　which　there　were　two　exits。　　Either

that　which　I　called　reason　was　not　so　rational　as　I　supposed；　or

that　which　seemed　to　me　irrational　was　not　so　irrational　as　I

supposed。　　And　I　began　to　verify　the　line　of　argument　of　my

rational　knowledge。

　　　　　Verifying　the　line　of　argument　of　rational　knowledge　I　found

it　quite　correct。　　The　conclusion　that　life　is　nothing　was

inevitable；　but　I　noticed　a　mistake。　　The　mistake　lay　in　this；　that

my　reasoning　was　not　in　accord　with　the　question　I　had　put。　　The

question　was：　　〃Why　should　I　live；　that　is　to　say；　what　real；

permanent　result　will　come　out　of　my　illusory　transitory　life　

what　meaning　has　my　finite　existence　in　this　infinite　world？〃　　And

to　reply　to　that　question　I　had　studied　life。

　　　　　The　solution　of　all　the　possible　questions　of　life　could

evidently　not　satisfy　me；　for　my　question；　simple　as　it　at　first

appeared；　included　a　demand　for　an　explanation　of　the　finite　in

terms　of　the　infinite；　and　vice　versa。

　　　　　I　asked：　〃What　is　the　meaning　of　my　life；　beyond　time；　cause；

and　space？〃　　And　I　replied　to　quite　another　question：　　〃What　is　the

meaning　of　　my　life　within　time；　cause；　and　space？〃　　With　the

result　that；　after　long　efforts　of　thought；　the　answer　I　reached

was：　〃None。〃

　　　　　In　my　reasonings　I　constantly　compared　（nor　could　I　do

otherwise）　the　finite　with　the　finite；　and　the　infinite　with　the

infinite；　but　for　that　reason　I　reached　the　inevitable　result：　

force　is　force；　matter　is　matter；　will　is　will；　the　infinite　is　the

infinite；　nothing　is　nothing　　and　that　was　all　that　could　result。

　　　　　It　was　something　like　what　happens　in　mathematics；　when

thinking　to　solve　an　equation；　we　find　we　are　working　on　an

identity。　　the　line　of　reasoning　is　correct；　but　results　in　the

answer　that　a　equals　a；　or　x　equals　x；　or　o　equals　o。　　the　same

thing　happened　with　my　reasoning　in　relation　to　the　question　of　the

meaning　of　my　life。　　The　replies　given　by　all　science　to　that

question　only　result　in　　identity。

　　　　　And　really；　strictly　scientific　knowledge　　that　knowledge

which　begins；　as　Descartes's　did；　with　complete　doubt　about

everything　　rejects　all　knowledge　admitted　on　faith　and　builds

everything　afresh　on　the　laws　of　reason　and　experience；　and　cannot

give　any　other　reply　to　the　question　of　life　than　that　which　I

obtained：　an　indefinite　reply。　　Only　at　first　had　it　seemed　to　me

that　knowledge　had　given　a　positive　reply　　the　reply　of

Schopenhauer：　that　life　has　no　meaning　and　is　an　evil。　　But　on

examining　the　matter　I　understood　that　the　reply　is　not　positive；

it　was　only　my　feeling　that　so　expressed　it。　　Strictly　expressed；

as　it　is　by　the　Brahmins　and　by　Solomon　and　Schopenhauer；　the　reply

is　merely　indefinite；　or　an　identity：　o　equals　o；　life　is　nothing。　

So　that　philosophic　knowledge　denies　nothing；　but　only　replies　that

the　question　cannot　be　solved　by　it　　that　for　it　the　solution

remains　indefinite。

　　　　　Having　understood　this；　I　understood　that　it　was　not　possible

to　seek　in　rational　knowledge　for　a　reply　to　my　question；　and　that

the　reply　given　by　rational　knowledge　is　a　mere　indication　that　a

reply　can　only　be　obtained　by　a　different　statement　of　the　question

and　only　when　the　relation　of　the　finite　to　the　infinite　is

included　in　the　question。　　And　I　understood　that；　however

irrational　and　distorted　might　be　the　replies　given　by　faith；　they

have　this　advantage；　that　they　introduce　into　every　answer　a

relation　between　the　finite　and　the　infinite；　without　which　there

can　be　no　solution。

　　　　　In　whatever　way　I　stated　the　question；　that　relation　appeared

in　the　answer。　　How　am　I　to　live？　　　According　to　the　law　of　God。　

What　real　result　will　come　of　my　life？　　　　Eternal　torment　or

eternal　bliss。　　What　meaning　has　life　that　death　does　not　destroy？　

　Union　with　the　eternal　God：　heaven。

　　　　　So　that　besides　rational　knowledge；　which　had　seemed　to　me　the

only　knowledge；　I　was　inevitably　brought　to　acknowledge　that　all

live　humanity　has　another　irrational　knowledge　　faith　which　makes

it　possible　to　live。　　Faith　still　remained　to　me　as　irrational　as

it　was　before；　but　I　could　not　but　admit　that　it　alone　gives

mankind　a　reply　to　the　questions　of　life；　and　that　consequently　it

makes　life　possible。　　Reasonable　knowledge　had　brought　me　to

acknowledge　that　life　is　senseless　　my　life　had　come　to　a　halt

and　I　wished　to　destroy　myself。　　Looking　around　on　the　whole　of

mankind　I　saw　that　people　live　and　declare　that　they　know　the

meaning　of　life。　　I　looked　at　myself　　I　had　lived　as　long　as　I

knew　a　meaning　of　life　and　had　made　life　possible。

　　　　　Looking　again　at　people　of　other　lands；　at　my　contemporaries

and　at　their　predecessors；　I　saw　the　same　thing。　　Where　there　is

life；　there　since　man　began　faith　has　made　life　possible　for　him；

and　the　chief　outline　of　that　faith　is　everywhere　and　always

identical。

　　　　　Whatever　the　faith　may　be；　and　whatever　answers　it　may　give；

and　to　whomsoever　it　gives　them；　every　such　answer　gives　to　the

finite　existence　of　man　an　infinite　meaning；　a　meaning　not

destroyed　by　sufferings；　deprivations；　or　death。　　This　means　that

only　in　faith　can　we　find　for　life　a　meaning　and　a　possibility。　

What；　then；　is　this　faith？　　And　I　understood　that　faith　is　not

merely　〃the　evidence　of　things　not　seen〃；　etc。；　and　is　not　a

revelation　（that　defines　only　one　of　the　indications　of　faith；　is

not　the　relation　of　man　to　God　（one　has　first　to　define　faith　and

then　God；　and　not　define　faith　through　God）；　it　not　only　agreement

with　what　has　been　told　one　（as　faith　is　most　usually　supposed　to

be）；　but　faith　is　a　knowledge　of　the　meaning　of　human　life　in

consequence　of　which　man　does　not　destroy　himself　but　lives。　　Faith

is　the　strength　of　life。　　If　a　man　lives　he　believes　in　something。　

If　he　did　not　believe　that　one　must　live　for　something；　he　would

not　live。　　If　he　does　not　see　and　recognize　the　illusory　nature　of

the　finite；　he　believes　in　the　finite；　if　he　understands　the

illusory　nature　of　the　finite；　he　must　believe　in　the　infinite。　

Without　faith　he　cannot　live。

　　　　　And　I　recalled　the　whole　course　of　my　mental　labour　and　was

horrified。　　It　was　now　clear　to　me　that　for　man　to　be　able　to　live

he　must　either　not　see　the　infinite；　or　have　such　an　explanation　of

the　meaning　of　life　as　will　connect　the　finite　with　the　infinite。　

Such　an　explanation　I　had　had；　but　as　long　as　I　believed　in　the

finite　I　did　not　need　the　explanation；　and　I　began　to　verify　it　by

reason。　　And　in　the　light　of　reason　the　whole　of　my　former

explanation　flew　to　atoms。　　But　a　time　came　when　I　ceased　to

believe　in　the　finite。　　And　then　I　began　to　build　up　on　rational

foundations；　out　of　what　I　knew；　an　explanation　which　would　give　a

meaning　to　life；　but　nothing　could　I　build。　　Together　with　the　best

human　intellects　I　reached　the　result　that　o　equals　o；　and　was　much

astonished　at　that　conclusion；　though　nothing　else　could　have

resulted。

　　　　　What　was　I　doing　when　I　sought　an　answer　in　the　experimental

sciences？　　I　wished　to　know　why　I　live；　and　for　this　purpose

studied　all　that　is　outside　me。　　Evidently　I　might　learn　much；　but

nothing　of　what　I　needed。

　　　　　What　was　I　doing　when　I　sought　an　answer　in　philosophical

knowledge？　　I　was　studying　the　thoughts　of　those　who　had　found

themselves　in　the　same　position　as　I；　lacking　a　reply　to　the

question　〃why　do　I　live？〃　Evidently　I　could　learn　nothing　but　what

I　knew　myself；　namely　that　nothing　can　be　known。

　　　　　What　am　I？　　A　part　of　the　infinite。　　In　those　few　words　lies

the　whole　problem。

　　　　　Is　it　possible　that　humanity　has　only　put　that　question　to

itself　since　yesterday？　　And　can　no　one　before　me　have　set　himself

that　question　　a　question　so　simple；　and　one　that　springs　to　the

tongue　of　every　wise　child？

　　　　　Surely　that　question　has　been　asked　since　man　be