the new machiavelli-第87节

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She　leant　back　against　the　bookcases　under　the　window。



〃We've　had　some　good　times；　Master；〃　she　said；　with　a　sigh　in　her　

voice。



And　then　for　a　long　time　we　stared　at　one　another　in　silence。



〃We　haven't　much　time　left；〃　she　said。



〃Shall　we　bolt？〃　I　said。



〃And　leave　all　this？〃　she　asked；　with　her　eyes　going　round　the　room。　　

〃And　that？〃　　And　her　head　indicated　Westminster。　　〃No！〃



I　said　no　more　of　bolting。



〃We've　got　to　screw　ourselves　up　to　surrender；〃　she　said。



〃Something。〃



〃A　lot。〃



〃Master；〃　she　said；　〃it　isn't　all　sex　and　stuff　between　us？〃



〃No！〃



〃I　can't　give　up　the　work。　　Our　work's　my　life。〃



We　came　upon　another　long　pause。



〃No　one　will　believe　we've　ceased　to　be　loversif　we　simply　do；〃　

she　said。



〃We　shouldn't。〃



〃We've　got　to　do　something　more　parting　than　that。〃



I　nodded；　and　again　we　paused。　　She　was　coming　to　something。



〃I　could　marry　Shoesmith；〃　she　said　abruptly。



〃But〃　I　objected。



〃He　knows。　　It　wasn't　fair。　　I　told　him。〃



〃Oh；　that　explains；〃　I　said。　　〃There's　been　a　kind　of　sulkiness

Butyou　told　him？〃



She　nodded。　　〃He's　rather　badly　hurt；〃　she　said。　　〃He's　been　a　good　

friend　to　me。　　He's　curiously　loyal。　　But　something；　something　he　

said　one　dayforced　me　to　let　him　know。　。　。　。　　That's　been　the　

beastliness　of　all　this　secrecy。　　That's　the　beastliness　of　all　

secrecy。　　You　have　to　spring　surprises　on　people。　　But　he　keeps　on。　　

He's　steadfast。　　He'd　already　suspected。　　He　wants　me　very　badly　to　

marry　him。　。　。　。〃



〃But　you　don't　want　to　marry　him？〃



〃I'm　forced　to　think　of　it。〃



〃But　does　he　want　to　marry　you　at　that？　　Take　you　as　a　present　from　

the　world　at　large？against　your　will　and　desire？　。　。　。　　I　don't　

understand　him。〃



〃He　cares　for　me。〃



〃How？〃



〃He　thinks　this　is　a　fearful　mess　for　me。　　He　wants　to　pull　it　

straight。〃



We　sat　for　a　time　in　silence；　with　imaginations　that　obstinately　

refused　to　take　up　the　realities　of　this　proposition。



〃I　don't　want　you　to　marry　Shoesmith；〃　I　said　at　last。



〃Don't　you　like　him？〃



〃Not　as　your　husband。〃



〃He's　a　very　clever　and　sturdy　personand　very　generous　and　devoted　

to　me。〃



〃And　me？〃



〃You　can't　expect　that。　　He　thinks　you　are　wonderfuland；　

naturally；　that　you　ought　not　to　have　started　this。〃



〃I've　a　curious　dislike　to　any　one　thinking　that　but　myself。　　I'm　

quite　ready　to　think　it　myself。〃



〃He'd　let　us　be　friendsand　meet。〃



〃Let　us　be　friends！〃　I　cried；　after　a　long　pause。　　〃You　and　me！〃



〃He　wants　me　to　be　engaged　soon。　　Then；　he　says；　he　can　go　round　

fighting　these　rumours；　defending　us　bothand　force　a　quarrel　on　

the　Baileys。〃



〃I　don't　understand　him；〃　I　said；　and　added；　〃I　don't　understand　

you。〃



I　was　staring　at　her　face。　　It　seemed　white　and　set　in　the　dimness。



〃Do　you　really　mean　this；　Isabel？〃　I　asked。



〃What　else　is　there　to　do；　my　dear？what　else　is　there　to　do　at　

all？　　I've　been　thinking　day　and　night。　　You　can't　go　away　with　me。　　

You　can't　smash　yourself　suddenly　in　the　sight　of　all　men。　　I'd　

rather　die　than　that　should　happen。　　Look　what　you　are　becoming　in　

the　country！　　Look　at　all　you've　built　up！me　helping。　　I　wouldn't　

let　you　do　it　if　you　could。　　I　wouldn't　let　youif　it　were　only　for　

Margaret's　sake。　　THIS　。　。　。　closes　the　scandal；　closes　everything。〃



〃It　closes　all　our　life　together；〃　I　cried。



She　was　silent。



〃It　never　ought　to　have　begun；〃　I　said。



She　winced。　　Then　abruptly　she　was　on　her　knees　before　me；　with　her　

hands　upon　my　shoulder　and　her　eyes　meeting　mine。



〃My　dear；〃　she　said　very　earnestly；　〃don't　misunderstand　me！　　Don't　

think　I'm　retreating　from　the　things　we've　done！　　Our　love　is　the　

best　thing　I　could　ever　have　had　from　life。　　Nothing　can　ever　equal　

it；　nothing　could　ever　equal　the　beauty　and　delight　you　and　I　have　

had　together。　　Never！　　You　have　loved　me；　you　do　love　me。　。　。　。



No　one　could　ever　know　how　to　love　you　as　I　have　loved　you；　no　one　

could　ever　love　me　as　you　have　loved　me；　my　king。　　And　it's　just　

because　it's　been　so　splendid；　dear；　it's　just　because　I'd　die　

rather　than　have　a　tithe　of　all　this　wiped　out　of　my　life　againfor　

it's　made　me；　it's　all　I　amdear；　it's　years　since　I　began　loving　

youit's　just　because　of　its　goodness　that　I　want　not　to　end　in　

wreckage　now；　not　to　end　in　the　smashing　up　of　all　the　big　things　I　

understand　in　you　and　love　in　you。　。　。　。



〃What　is　there　for　us　if　we　keep　on　and　go　away？〃　she　went　on。　　〃All　

the　big　interests　in　our　lives　will　vanisheverything。　　We　shall　

become　specialised　peoplepeople　overshadowed　by　a　situation。　　We　

shall　be　an　elopement；　a　romanceall　our　breadth　and　meaning　gone！　　

People　will　always　think　of　it　first　when　they　think　of　us；　all　our　

work　and　aims　will　be　warped　by　it　and　subordinated　to　it。　　Is　it　

good　enough；　dear？　　Just　to　specialise。　。　。　。　　I　think　of　you。　　

We've　got　a　case；　a　passionate　case；　the　best　of　cases；　but　do　we　

want　to　spend　all　our　lives　defending　it　and　justifying　it？　　And　

there's　that　other　life。　　I　know　now　you　care　for　Margaretyou　care　

more　than　you　think　you　do。　　You　have　said　fine　things　of　her。　　I've　

watched　you　about　her。　　Little　things　have　dropped　from　you。　　She's　

given　her　life　for　you；　she's　nothing　without　you。　　You　feel　that　to　

your　marrow　all　the　time　you　are　thinking　about　these　things。　　Oh；　

I'm　not　jealous；　dear。　　I　love　you　for　loving　her。　　I　love　you　in　

relation　to　her。　　But　there　it　is；　an　added　weight　against　us；　

another　thing　worth　saving。〃



Presently；　I　remember；　she　sat　back　on　her　heels　and　looked　up　into　

my　face。　　〃We've　done　wrongand　parting's　paying。　　It's　time　to　

pay。　　We　needn't　have　paid；　if　we'd　kept　to　the　track。　。　。　。　　You　

and　I；　Master；　we've　got　to　be　men。〃



〃Yes；〃　I　said；　〃we've　got　to　be　men。〃







4





I　was　driven　to　tell　Margaret　about　our　situation　by　my　intolerable　

dread　that　otherwise　the　thing　might　come　to　her　through　some　stupid　

and　clumsy　informant。　　She　might　even　meet　Altiora；　and　have　it　from　

her。



I　can　still　recall　the　feeling　of　sitting　at　my　desk　that　night　in　

that　large　study　of　mine　in　Radnor　Square；　waiting　for　Margaret　to　

come　home。　　It　was　oddly　like　the　feeling　of　a　dentist's　reception…

room；　only　it　was　for　me　to　do　the　dentistry　with　clumsy；　cruel　

hands。　　I　had　left　the　door　open　so　that　she　would　come　in　to　me。



I　heard　her　silken　rustle　on　the　stairs　at　last；　and　then　she　was　in　

the　doorway。　　〃May　I　come　in？〃　she　said。



〃Do；〃　I　said；　and　turned　round　to　her。



〃Working？〃　she　said。



〃Hard；〃　I　answered。　　〃Where　have　YOU　been？〃



〃At　the　Vallerys'。　　Mr。　Evesham　was　talking　about　you。　　They　were　

all　talking。　　I　don't　think　everybody　knew　who　I　was。　　Just　Mrs。　

Mumble　I'd　been　to　them。　　Lord　Wardenham　doesn't　like　you。〃



〃He　doesn't。〃



〃But　they　all　feel　you're　rather　big；　anyhow。　　Then　I　went　on　to　

Park　Lane　to　hear　a　new　pianist　and　some　other　music　at　Eva's。〃



〃Yes。〃



〃Then　I　looked　in　at　the　Brabants'　for　some　midnight　tea　before　I　

came　on　here。　　They'd　got　some　writersand　Grant　was　there。〃



〃You　HAVE　been　flying　round。　。　。　。〃



There　was　a　little　pause　between　us。



I　looked　at　her　pretty；　unsuspecting　face；　and　at　the　slender　grace　

of　her　golden…robed　body。　　What　gulfs　there　were　between　us！　　

〃You've　been　amused；〃　I　said。



〃It's　been　amusing。　　You've　been　at　the　House？〃



〃The　Medical　Education　Bill　kept　me。〃　。　。　。



After　all；　why　should　I　tell　her？　　She'd　got　to　a　way　of　living　that　

fulfilled　her　requirements。　　Perhaps　she'd　never　hear。　　But　all　that　

day　and　the　day　before　I'd　been　making　up　my　mind　to　do　the　thing。



〃I　want　to　tell　you　something；〃　I　said。　　〃I　wish　you'd　sit　down　for　

a　moment　or　so。〃　。　。　。



Once　I　had　begun；　it　seemed　to　me　I　had　to　go　through　with　it。



Something　in　the　quality　of　my　voice　gave　her　an　intimation　of　

unusual　gravity。　　She　looked　at　me　steadily　for　a　moment　and　sat　

down　slowly　in　my　armchair。



〃What　is　it？〃　she　said。



I　went　on　awkwardly。　　〃I've　got　to　tell　yousomething　

extraordinarily　distressing；〃　I　said。



She　was　manifestly　altogether　unaware。



〃There　seems　to　be　a　good　deal　of　scandal　abroadI've　only　recently　

heard　of　itabout　myselfand　Isabel。〃



〃Isabel！〃



I　nodded。



〃What　do　they　say？〃　she　asked。



It　was　difficult；　I　found；　to　speak。



〃They　say　she's　my　mistress。〃



〃Oh！　　How　abominable！〃



She　spoke　with　the　most　natural　indignation。　　Our　eyes　met。



〃We've　been　great　friends；〃　I　said。



〃Yes。　　And　to　make　THAT　of　it。　　My　poor　dear！　　But　how　can　they？〃　　

She　paused　and　looked　at　me。　　It's　so　incredible。　　How　can　any　one　

believe　it？　　I　couldn't。〃



She　stopped；　with　her　distressed　eyes　regarding　me。　　Her　expression　

changed