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第87节

the new machiavelli-第87节

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She leant back against the bookcases under the window。



〃We've had some good times; Master;〃 she said; with a sigh in her 

voice。



And then for a long time we stared at one another in silence。



〃We haven't much time left;〃 she said。



〃Shall we bolt?〃 I said。



〃And leave all this?〃 she asked; with her eyes going round the room。  

〃And that?〃  And her head indicated Westminster。  〃No!〃



I said no more of bolting。



〃We've got to screw ourselves up to surrender;〃 she said。



〃Something。〃



〃A lot。〃



〃Master;〃 she said; 〃it isn't all sex and stuff between us?〃



〃No!〃



〃I can't give up the work。  Our work's my life。〃



We came upon another long pause。



〃No one will believe we've ceased to be loversif we simply do;〃 

she said。



〃We shouldn't。〃



〃We've got to do something more parting than that。〃



I nodded; and again we paused。  She was coming to something。



〃I could marry Shoesmith;〃 she said abruptly。



〃But〃 I objected。



〃He knows。  It wasn't fair。  I told him。〃



〃Oh; that explains;〃 I said。  〃There's been a kind of sulkiness

Butyou told him?〃



She nodded。  〃He's rather badly hurt;〃 she said。  〃He's been a good 

friend to me。  He's curiously loyal。  But something; something he 

said one dayforced me to let him know。 。 。 。  That's been the 

beastliness of all this secrecy。  That's the beastliness of all 

secrecy。  You have to spring surprises on people。  But he keeps on。  

He's steadfast。  He'd already suspected。  He wants me very badly to 

marry him。 。 。 。〃



〃But you don't want to marry him?〃



〃I'm forced to think of it。〃



〃But does he want to marry you at that?  Take you as a present from 

the world at large?against your will and desire? 。 。 。  I don't 

understand him。〃



〃He cares for me。〃



〃How?〃



〃He thinks this is a fearful mess for me。  He wants to pull it 

straight。〃



We sat for a time in silence; with imaginations that obstinately 

refused to take up the realities of this proposition。



〃I don't want you to marry Shoesmith;〃 I said at last。



〃Don't you like him?〃



〃Not as your husband。〃



〃He's a very clever and sturdy personand very generous and devoted 

to me。〃



〃And me?〃



〃You can't expect that。  He thinks you are wonderfuland; 

naturally; that you ought not to have started this。〃



〃I've a curious dislike to any one thinking that but myself。  I'm 

quite ready to think it myself。〃



〃He'd let us be friendsand meet。〃



〃Let us be friends!〃 I cried; after a long pause。  〃You and me!〃



〃He wants me to be engaged soon。  Then; he says; he can go round 

fighting these rumours; defending us bothand force a quarrel on 

the Baileys。〃



〃I don't understand him;〃 I said; and added; 〃I don't understand 

you。〃



I was staring at her face。  It seemed white and set in the dimness。



〃Do you really mean this; Isabel?〃 I asked。



〃What else is there to do; my dear?what else is there to do at 

all?  I've been thinking day and night。  You can't go away with me。  

You can't smash yourself suddenly in the sight of all men。  I'd 

rather die than that should happen。  Look what you are becoming in 

the country!  Look at all you've built up!me helping。  I wouldn't 

let you do it if you could。  I wouldn't let youif it were only for 

Margaret's sake。  THIS 。 。 。 closes the scandal; closes everything。〃



〃It closes all our life together;〃 I cried。



She was silent。



〃It never ought to have begun;〃 I said。



She winced。  Then abruptly she was on her knees before me; with her 

hands upon my shoulder and her eyes meeting mine。



〃My dear;〃 she said very earnestly; 〃don't misunderstand me!  Don't 

think I'm retreating from the things we've done!  Our love is the 

best thing I could ever have had from life。  Nothing can ever equal 

it; nothing could ever equal the beauty and delight you and I have 

had together。  Never!  You have loved me; you do love me。 。 。 。



No one could ever know how to love you as I have loved you; no one 

could ever love me as you have loved me; my king。  And it's just 

because it's been so splendid; dear; it's just because I'd die 

rather than have a tithe of all this wiped out of my life againfor 

it's made me; it's all I amdear; it's years since I began loving 

youit's just because of its goodness that I want not to end in 

wreckage now; not to end in the smashing up of all the big things I 

understand in you and love in you。 。 。 。



〃What is there for us if we keep on and go away?〃 she went on。  〃All 

the big interests in our lives will vanisheverything。  We shall 

become specialised peoplepeople overshadowed by a situation。  We 

shall be an elopement; a romanceall our breadth and meaning gone!  

People will always think of it first when they think of us; all our 

work and aims will be warped by it and subordinated to it。  Is it 

good enough; dear?  Just to specialise。 。 。 。  I think of you。  

We've got a case; a passionate case; the best of cases; but do we 

want to spend all our lives defending it and justifying it?  And 

there's that other life。  I know now you care for Margaretyou care 

more than you think you do。  You have said fine things of her。  I've 

watched you about her。  Little things have dropped from you。  She's 

given her life for you; she's nothing without you。  You feel that to 

your marrow all the time you are thinking about these things。  Oh; 

I'm not jealous; dear。  I love you for loving her。  I love you in 

relation to her。  But there it is; an added weight against us; 

another thing worth saving。〃



Presently; I remember; she sat back on her heels and looked up into 

my face。  〃We've done wrongand parting's paying。  It's time to 

pay。  We needn't have paid; if we'd kept to the track。 。 。 。  You 

and I; Master; we've got to be men。〃



〃Yes;〃 I said; 〃we've got to be men。〃







4





I was driven to tell Margaret about our situation by my intolerable 

dread that otherwise the thing might come to her through some stupid 

and clumsy informant。  She might even meet Altiora; and have it from 

her。



I can still recall the feeling of sitting at my desk that night in 

that large study of mine in Radnor Square; waiting for Margaret to 

come home。  It was oddly like the feeling of a dentist's reception…

room; only it was for me to do the dentistry with clumsy; cruel 

hands。  I had left the door open so that she would come in to me。



I heard her silken rustle on the stairs at last; and then she was in 

the doorway。  〃May I come in?〃 she said。



〃Do;〃 I said; and turned round to her。



〃Working?〃 she said。



〃Hard;〃 I answered。  〃Where have YOU been?〃



〃At the Vallerys'。  Mr。 Evesham was talking about you。  They were 

all talking。  I don't think everybody knew who I was。  Just Mrs。 

Mumble I'd been to them。  Lord Wardenham doesn't like you。〃



〃He doesn't。〃



〃But they all feel you're rather big; anyhow。  Then I went on to 

Park Lane to hear a new pianist and some other music at Eva's。〃



〃Yes。〃



〃Then I looked in at the Brabants' for some midnight tea before I 

came on here。  They'd got some writersand Grant was there。〃



〃You HAVE been flying round。 。 。 。〃



There was a little pause between us。



I looked at her pretty; unsuspecting face; and at the slender grace 

of her golden…robed body。  What gulfs there were between us!  

〃You've been amused;〃 I said。



〃It's been amusing。  You've been at the House?〃



〃The Medical Education Bill kept me。〃 。 。 。



After all; why should I tell her?  She'd got to a way of living that 

fulfilled her requirements。  Perhaps she'd never hear。  But all that 

day and the day before I'd been making up my mind to do the thing。



〃I want to tell you something;〃 I said。  〃I wish you'd sit down for 

a moment or so。〃 。 。 。



Once I had begun; it seemed to me I had to go through with it。



Something in the quality of my voice gave her an intimation of 

unusual gravity。  She looked at me steadily for a moment and sat 

down slowly in my armchair。



〃What is it?〃 she said。



I went on awkwardly。  〃I've got to tell yousomething 

extraordinarily distressing;〃 I said。



She was manifestly altogether unaware。



〃There seems to be a good deal of scandal abroadI've only recently 

heard of itabout myselfand Isabel。〃



〃Isabel!〃



I nodded。



〃What do they say?〃 she asked。



It was difficult; I found; to speak。



〃They say she's my mistress。〃



〃Oh!  How abominable!〃



She spoke with the most natural indignation。  Our eyes met。



〃We've been great friends;〃 I said。



〃Yes。  And to make THAT of it。  My poor dear!  But how can they?〃  

She paused and looked at me。  It's so incredible。  How can any one 

believe it?  I couldn't。〃



She stopped; with her distressed eyes regarding me。  Her expression 

changed

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