the new machiavelli-第85节

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abruptly。



I　looked　up　at　her；　a　little　perplexed。



〃Dear　heart；〃　said　I；　〃isn't　this　enough？　　You're　my　councillor；　my　

colleague；　my　right　hand；　the　secret　soul　of　my　life〃



〃And　I　want　to　darn　your　socks；〃　she　said；　smiling　back　at　me。



〃You're　insatiable。〃



She　smiled　〃No；〃　she　said。　　〃I'm　not　insatiable；　Master。　　But　I'm　a　

woman　in　love。　　And　I'm　finding　out　what　I　want；　and　what　is　

necessary　to　meand　what　I　can't　have。　　That's　all。〃



〃We　get　a　lot。〃



〃We　want　a　lot。　　You　and　I　are　greedy　people　for　the　things　we　like；　

Master。　　It's　very　evident　we've　got　nearly　all　we　can　ever　have　of　

one　anotherand　I'm　not　satisfied。〃



〃What　more　is　there？



〃For　youvery　little。　　I　wonder。　　For　meevery　thing。　　Yes

everything。　　You　didn't　mean　it；　Master；　you　didn't　know　any　more　

than　I　did　when　I　began；　but　love　between　a　man　and　a　woman　is　

sometimes　very　one…sided。　　Fearfully　one…sided！　　That's　all。　。　。　。〃



〃Don't　YOU　ever　want　children？〃　she　said　abruptly。



〃I　suppose　I　do。〃



〃You　don't！〃



〃I　haven't　thought　of　them。〃



〃A　man　doesn't；　perhaps。　　But　I　have。　。　。　。　　I　want　themlike　

hunger。　　YOUR　children；　and　home　with　you。　　Really；　continually　you！　　

That's　the　trouble。　。　。　。　　I　can't　have　'em；　Master；　and　I　can't　

have　you。〃



She　was　crying；　and　through　her　tears　she　laughed。



〃I'm　going　to　make　a　scene；〃　she　said；　〃and　get　this　over。　　I'm　so　

discontented　and　miserable；　I've　got　to　tell　you。　　It　would　come　

between　us　if　I　didn't。　　I'm　in　love　with　you；　with　everythingwith　

all　my　brains。　　I'll　pull　through　all　right。　　I'll　be　good；　Master；　

never　you　fear。　　But　to…day　I'm　crying　out　with　all　my　being。　　This　

electionYou're　going　up；　you're　going　on。　　In　these　papersyou're　

a　great　big　fact。　　It's　suddenly　come　home　to　me。　　At　the　back　of　my　

mind　I've　always　had　the　idea　I　was　going　to　have　you　somehow　

presently　for　myselfI　mean　to　have　you　to　go　long　tramps　with；　to　

keep　house　for；　to　get　meals　for；　to　watch　for　of　an　evening。　　It's　

a　sort　of　habitual　background　to　my　thought　of　you。　　And　it's　

nonsenseutter　nonsense！〃　　She　stopped。　　She　was　crying　and　

choking。　　〃And　the　child；　you　knowthe　child！〃



I　was　troubled　beyond　measure；　but　Handitch　and　its　intimations　were　

clear　and　strong。



〃We　can't　have　that；〃　I　said。



〃No；〃　she　said；　〃we　can't　have　that。〃



〃We've　got　our　own　things　to　do。〃



〃YOUR　things；〃　she　said。



〃Aren't　they　yours　too？〃



〃Because　of　you；〃　she　said。



〃Aren't　they　your　very　own　things？〃



〃Women　don't　have　that　sort　of　very　own　thing。　　Indeed；　it's　true！　　

And　think！　　You've　been　down　there　preaching　the　goodness　of　

children；　telling　them　the　only　good　thing　in　a　state　is　happy；　

hopeful　children；　working　to　free　mothers　and　children〃



〃And　we　give　our　own　children　to　do　it？〃　I　said。



〃Yes；〃　she　said。　　〃And　sometimes　I　think　it's　too　much　to　givetoo　

much　altogether。　。　。　。　　Children　get　into　a　woman's　brainwhen　she　

mustn't　have　them；　especially　when　she　must　never　hope　for　them。　　

Think　of　the　child　we　might　have　now！the　little　creature　with　

soft；　tender　skin；　and　little　hands　and　little　feet！　　At　times　it　

haunts　me。　　It　comes　and　says；　Why　wasn't　I　given　life？　　I　can　hear　

it　in　the　night。　。　。　。　　The　world　is　full　of　such　little　ghosts；　

dear　loverlittle　things　that　asked　for　life　and　were　refused。　　

They　clamour　to　me。　　It's　like　a　little　fist　beating　at　my　heart。　　

Love　children；　beautiful　children。　　Little　cold　hands　that　tear　at　

my　heart！　　Oh；　my　heart　and　my　lord！〃　　She　was　holding　my　arm　with　

both　her　hands　and　weeping　against　it；　and　now　she　drew　herself　to　

my　shoulder　and　wept　and　sobbed　in　my　embrace。　　〃I　shall　never　sit　

with　your　child　on　my　knee　and　you　beside　me…never；　and　I　am　a　woman　

and　your　lover！　。　。　。〃







2





But　the　profound　impossibility　of　our　relation　was　now　becoming　more　

and　more　apparent　to　us。　　We　found　ourselves　seeking　justification；　

clinging　passionately　to　a　situation　that　was　coldly；　pitilessly；　

impossible　and　fated。　　We　wanted　quite　intensely　to　live　together　

and　have　a　child；　but　also　we　wanted　very　many　other　things　that　

were　incompatible　with　these　desires。　　It　was　extraordinarily　

difficult　to　weigh　our　political　and　intellectual　ambitions　against　

those　intimate　wishes。　　The　weights　kept　altering　according　as　one　

found　oneself　grasping　this　valued　thing　or　that。　　It　wasn't　as　if　

we　could　throw　everything　aside　for　our　love；　and　have　that　as　we　

wanted　it。　　Love　such　as　we　bore　one　another　isn't　altogether；　or　

even　chiefly；　a　thing　in　itselfit　is　for　the　most　part　a　value　set　

upon　things。　　Our　love　was　interwoven　with　all　our　other　interests；　

to　go　out　of　the　world　and　live　in　isolation　seemed　to　us　like　

killing　the　best　parts　of　each　other；　we　loved　the　sight　of　each　

other　engaged　finely　and　characteristically；　we　knew　each　other　best　

as　activities。　　We　had　no　delusions　about　material　facts；　we　didn't　

want　each　other　alive　or　dead；　we　wanted　each　other　fully　alive。　　We　

wanted　to　do　big　things　together；　and　for　us　to　take　each　other　

openly　and　desperately　would　leave　us　nothing　in　the　world　to　do。　　

We　wanted　children　indeed　passionately；　but　children　with　every　

helpful　chance　in　the　world；　and　children　born　in　scandal　would　be　

handicapped　at　every　turn。　　We　wanted　to　share　a　home；　and　not　a　

solitude。



And　when　we　were　at　this　stage　of　realisation；　began　the　intimations　

that　we　were　found　out；　and　that　scandal　was　afoot　against　us。　。　。　。



I　heard　of　it　first　from　Esmeer；　who　deliberately　mentioned　it；　with　

that　steady　grey　eye　of　his　watching　me；　as　an　instance　of　the　

preposterous　falsehoods　people　will　circulate。　　It　came　to　Isabel　

almost　simultaneously　through　a　married　college　friend；　who　made　it　

her　business　to　demand　either　confirmation　or　denial。　　It　filled　us　

both　with　consternation。　　In　the　surprise　of　the　moment　Isabel　

admitted　her　secret；　and　her　friend　went　off　〃reserving　her　freedom　

of　action。〃



Discovery　broke　out　in　every　direction。　　Friends　with　grave　faces　

and　an　atmosphere　of　infinite　tact　invaded　us　both。　　Other　friends　

ceased　to　invade　either　of　us。　　It　was　manifest　we　had　becomewe　

knew　not　howa　private　scandal；　a　subject　for　duologues；　an　

amazement；　a　perplexity；　a　vivid　interest。　　In　a　few　brief　weeks　it　

seemed　London　passed　from　absolute　unsuspiciousness　to　a　chattering　

exaggeration　of　its　knowledge　of　our　relations。



It　was　just　the　most　inappropriate　time　for　that　disclosure。　　The　

long　smouldering　antagonism　to　my　endowment　of　motherhood　ideas　had　

flared　up　into　an　active　campaign　in　the　EXPURGATOR；　and　it　would　be　

altogether　disastrous　to　us　if　I　should　be　convicted　of　any　personal　

irregularity。　　It　was　just　because　of　the　manifest　and　challenging　

respectability　of　my　position　that　I　had　been　able　to　carry　the　

thing　as　far　as　I　had　done。　　Now　suddenly　my　fortunes　had　sprung　a　

leak；　and　scandal　was　pouring　in。　。　。　。　　It　chanced；　too；　that　a　

wave　of　moral　intolerance　was　sweeping　through　London；　one　of　those　

waves　in　which　the　bitterness　of　the　consciously　just　finds　an　ally　

in　the　panic　of　the　undiscovered。　　A　certain　Father　Blodgett　had　

been　preaching　against　social　corruption　with　extraordinary　force；　

and　had　roused　the　Church　of　England　people　to　a　kind　of　competition　

in　denunciation。　　The　old　methods　of　the　Anti…Socialist　campaign　had　

been　renewed；　and　had　offered　far　too　wide　a　scope　and　too　tempting　

an　opportunity　for　private　animosity；　to　be　restricted　to　the　

private　affairs　of　the　Socialists。　　I　had　intimations　of　an　

extensive　circulation　of　〃private　and　confidential〃　letters。　。　。　。



I　think　there　can　be　nothing　else　in　life　quite　like　the　unnerving　

realisation　that　rumour　and　scandal　are　afoot　about　one。　　Abruptly　

one's　confidence　in　the　solidity　of　the　universe　disappears。　　One　

walks　silenced　through　a　world　that　one　feels　to　be　full　of　

inaudible　accusations。　　One　cannot　challenge　the　assault；　get　it　out　

into　the　open；　separate　truth　and　falsehood。　　It　slinks　from　you；　

turns　aside　its　face。　　Old　acquaintances　suddenly　evaded　me；　made　

extraordinary　excuses；　men　who　had　presumed　on　the　verge　of　my　world　

and　pestered　me　with　an　intrusive　enterprise；　now　took　the　bold　step　

of　flat　repudiation。　　I　became　doubtful　about　the　return　of　a　nod；　

retracted　all　those　tentacles　of　easy　civility　that　I　had　hitherto　

spread　to　the　world。　　I　still　grow　warm　with　amazed　indignation　when　

I　recall　that　Edward　Crampton；　meeting　me　full　on　the　steps　of　the　

Climax　Club；　cut　me　dead。　　〃By　God！〃　I　cried；　and　came　near　catching　

him　by　the　throat　and　wringing　out　of　him　what　of　all　good　deeds　and　

bad；　could　hearten　him；　a　younger　man　than　I　and　empty　beyond　

comparison；　to　dare　to　play　the　judge　to　me。　　And　then　I　had　an　open　

slight　from　Mrs。　Millingham；　whom　I　h