the new machiavelli-第44节

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I　was　moved　to　crave　her　pardon　and　come　away。



〃Bin　ich　eine　hubsche？〃　she　asked　a　little　anxiously；　laying　a　

detaining　hand　upon　me；　and　evidently　not　understanding　a　word　of　

what　I　was　striving　to　say。







8





I　find　it　extraordinarily　difficult　to　recall　the　phases　by　which　I　

passed　from　my　first　admiration　of　Margaret's　earnestness　and　

unconscious　daintiness　to　an　intimate　acquaintance。　　The　earlier　

encounters　stand　out　clear　and　hard；　but　then　the　impressions　become　

crowded　and　mingle　not　only　with　each　other　but　with　all　the　

subsequent　developments　of　relationship；　the　enormous　evolutions　of　

interpretation　and　comprehension　between　husband　and　wife。　　Dipping　

into　my　memories　is　like　dipping　into　a　ragbag；　one　brings　out　this　

memory　or　that；　with　no　intimation　of　how　they　came　in　time　or　what　

led　to　them　and　joined　them　together。　　And　they　are　all　mixed　up　

with　subsequent　associations；　with　sympathies　and　discords；　habits　

of　intercourse；　surprises　and　disappointments　and　discovered　

misunderstandings。　　I　know　only　that　always　my　feelings　for　Margaret　

were　complicatel　feelings；　woven　of　many　and　various　strands。



It　is　one　of　the　curious　neglected　aspects　of　life　how　at　the　same　

time　and　in　relation　to　the　same　reality　we　can　have　in　our　minds　

streams　of　thought　at　quite　different　levels。　　We　can　be　at　the　same　

time　idealising　a　person　and　seeing　and　criticising　that　person　

quite　coldly　and　clearly；　and　we　slip　unconsciously　from　level　to　

level　and　produce　all　sorts　of　inconsistent　acts。　　In　a　sense　I　had　

no　illusions　about　Margaret；　in　a　sense　my　conception　of　Margaret　

was　entirely　poetic　illusion。　　I　don't　think　I　was　ever　blind　to　

certain　defects　of　hers；　and　quite　as　certainly　they　didn't　seem　to　

matter　in　the　slightest　degree。　　Her　mind　had　a　curious　want　of　

vigour；　〃flatness〃　is　the　only　word；　she　never　seemed　to　escape　from　

her　phrase；　her　way　of　thinking；　her　way　of　doing　was　indecisive；　

she　remained　in　her　attitude；　it　did　not　flow　out　to　easy；　

confirmatory　action。



I　saw　this　quite　clearly；　and　when　we　walked　and　talked　together　I　

seemed　always　trying　for　animation　in　her　and　never　finding　it。　　I　

would　state　my　ideas。　　〃I　know；〃　she　would　say；　〃I　know。〃



I　talked　about　myself　and　she　listened　wonderfully；　but　she　made　no　

answering　revelations。　　I　talked　politics；　and　she　remarked　with　her　

blue　eyes　wide　and　earnest：　〃Every　WORD　you　say　seems　so　just。〃



I　admired　her　appearance　tremendously　butI　can　only　express　it　by　

saying　I　didn't　want　to　touch　her。　　Her　fair　hair　was　always　

delectably　done。　　It　flowed　beautifully　over　her　pretty　small　ears；　

and　she　would　tie　its　fair　coilings　with　fillets　of　black　or　blue　

velvet　that　carried　pretty　buckles　of　silver　and　paste。　　The　light；　

the　faint　down　on　her　brow　and　cheek　was　delightful。　　And　it　was　

clear　to　me　that　I　made　her　happy。



My　sense　of　her　deficiencies　didn't　stand　in　the　way　of　my　falling　

at　last　very　deeply　in　love　with　her。　　Her　very　shortcomings　seemed　

to　offer　me　something。　。　。　。



She　stood　in　my　mind　for　goodnessand　for　things　from　which　it　

seemed　to　me　my　hold　was　slipping。



She　seemed　to　promise　a　way　of　escape　from　the　deepening　opposition　

in　me　between　physical　passions　and　the　constructive　career；　the　

career　of　wide　aims　and　human　service；　upon　which　I　had　embarked。　　

All　the　time　that　I　was　seeing　her　as　a　beautiful；　fragile；　rather　

ineffective　girl；　I　was　also　seeing　her　just　as　consciously　as　a　

shining　slender　figure；　a　radiant　reconciliation；　coming　into　my　

darkling　disorders　of　lust　and　impulse。　　I　could　understand　clearly　

that　she　was　incapable　of　the　most　necessary　subtleties　of　political　

thought；　and　yet　I　could　contemplate　praying　to　her　and　putting　all　

the　intricate　troubles　of　my　life　at　her　feet。



Before　the　reappearance　of　Margaret　in　my　world　at　all　an　unwonted　

disgust　with　the　consequences　and　quality　of　my　passions　had　arisen　

in　my　mind。　　Among　other　things　that　moment　with　the　Lettish　girl　

haunted　me　persistently。　　I　would　see　myself　again　and　again　sitting　

amidst　those　sluttish　surroundings；　collar　and　tie　in　hand；　while　

her　heavy　German　words　grouped　themselves　to　a　slowly　apprehended　

meaning。　　I　would　feel　again　with　a　fresh　stab　of　remorse；　that　this　

was　not　a　flash　of　adventure；　this　was　not　seeing　life　in　any　

permissible　sense；　but　a　dip　into　tragedy；　dishonour；　hideous　

degradation；　and　the　pitiless　cruelty　of　a　world　as　yet　uncontrolled　

by　any　ordered　will。



〃Good　God！〃　I　put　it　to　myself；　〃that　I　should　finish　the　work　those　

Cossacks　had　begun！　　I　who　want　order　and　justice　before　everything！　　

There's　no　way　out　of　it；　no　decent　excuse！　　If　I　didn't　think；　I　

ought　to　have　thought！〃　。　。　。



How　did　I　get　to　it？〃　。　。　。　　I　would　ransack　the　phases　of　my　

development　from　the　first　shy　unveiling　of　a　hidden　wonder　to　the　

last　extremity　as　a　man　will　go　through　muddled　account　books　to　

find　some　disorganising　error。　。　。　。



I　was　also　involved　at　that　timeI　find　it　hard　to　place　these　

things　in　the　exact　order　of　their　dates　because　they　were　so　

disconnected　with　the　regular　progress　of　my　work　and　lifein　an　

intrigue；　a　clumsy；　sensuous；　pretentious；　artificially　stimulated　

intrigue；　with　a　Mrs。　Larrimer；　a　woman　living　separated　from　her　

husband。　　I　will　not　go　into　particulars　of　that　episode；　nor　how　we　

quarrelled　and　chafed　one　another。　　She　was　at　once　unfaithful　and　

jealous　and　full　of　whims　about　our　meetings；　she　was　careless　of　

our　secret；　and　vulgarised　our　relationship　by　intolerable　

interpretations；　except　for　some　glowing　moments　of　gratification；　

except　for　the　recurrent　and　essentially　vicious　desire　that　drew　us　

back　to　each　other　again；　we　both　fretted　at　a　vexatious　and　

unexpectedly　binding　intimacy。　　The　interim　was　full　of　the　quality　

of　work　delayed；　of　time　and　energy　wasted；　of　insecure　precautions　

against　scandal　and　exposure。　　Disappointment　is　almost　inherent　in　

illicit　love。　　I　had；　and　perhaps　it　was　part　of　her　recurrent　

irritation　also；　a　feeling　as　though　one　had　followed　something　fine　

and　beautiful　into　a　netinto　bird　lime！　　These　furtive　scuffles；　

this　sneaking　into　shabby　houses　of　assignation；　was　what　we　had　

made　out　of　the　suggestion　of　pagan　beauty；　this　was　the　reality　of　

our　vision　of　nymphs　and　satyrs　dancing　for　the　joy　of　life　amidst　

incessant　sunshine。　　We　had　laid　hands　upon　the　wonder　and　glory　of　

bodily　love　and　wasted　them。　。　。　。



It　was　the　sense　of　waste；　of　finely　beautiful　possibilities　getting　

entangled　and　marred　for　ever　that　oppressed　me。　　I　had　missed；　I　

had　lost。　　I　did　not　turn　from　these　things　after　the　fashion　of　the　

Baileys；　as　one　turns　from　something　low　and　embarrassing。　　I　felt　

that　these　great　organic　forces　were　still　to　be　wrought　into　a　

harmony　with　my　constructive　passion。　　I　felt　too　that　I　was　not　

doing　it。　　I　had　not　understood　the　forces　in　this　struggle　nor　its　

nature；　and　as　I　learnt　I　failed。　　I　had　been　started　wrong；　I　had　

gone　on　wrong；　in　a　world　that　was　muddled　and　confused；　full　of　

false　counsel　and　erratic　shames　and　twisted　temptations。　　I　learnt　

to　see　it　so　by　failures　that　were　perhaps　destroying　any　chance　of　

profit　in　my　lessons。　　Moods　of　clear　keen　industry　alternated　with　

moods　of　relapse　and　indulgence　and　moods　of　dubiety　and　remorse。　　I　

was　not　going　on　as　the　Baileys　thought　I　was　going　on。　　There　were　

times　when　the　blindness　of　the　Baileys　irritated　me　intensely。　

Beneath　the　ostensible　success　of　those　years；　between　twenty…three　

and　twenty…eight；　this　rottenness；　known　to　scarcely　any　one　but　

myself；　grew　and　spread。　　My　sense　of　the　probability　of　a　collapse　

intensified。　　I　knew　indeed　now；　even　as　Willersley　had　prophesied　

five　years　before；　that　I　was　entangling　myself　in　something　that　

might　smother　all　my　uses　in　the　world。　　Down　there　among　those　

incommunicable　difficulties；　I　was　puzzled　and　blundering。　　I　was　

losing　my　hold　upon　things；　the　chaotic　and　adventurous　element　in　

life　was　spreading　upward　and　getting　the　better　of　me；　over…

mastering　me　and　all　my　will　to　rule　and　make。　。　。　。　　And　the　

strength；　the　drugging　urgency　of　the　passion！



Margaret　shone　at　times　in　my　imagination　like　a　radiant　angel　in　a　

world　of　mire　and　disorder；　in　a　world　of　cravings；　hot　and　dull　red　

like　scars　inflamed。　。　。　。



I　suppose　it　was　because　I　had　so　great　a　need　of　such　help　as　her　

whiteness　proffered；　that　I　could　ascribe　impossible　perfections　to　

her；　a　power　of　intellect；　a　moral　power　and　patience　to　which　she；　

poor　fellow　mortal；　had　indeed　no　claim。　　If　only　a　few　of　us　WERE　

angels　and　freed　from　the　tangle　of　effort；　how　easy　life　might　be！　　

I　wanted　her　so　badly；　so　very　badly；　to　be　what　I　needed。　　I　wanted　

a　woman　to　save　me。　　I　forced　myself　to　see　her　as