the new machiavelli-第10节

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with　impassable　fences　and　forbiddingly　expensive　turnstiles；　but　it　

added　to　the　ordinary　spectacle　of　meteorology　a　great　variety　of　

gratuitous　fireworks　which　banged　and　flared　away　of　a　night　after　

supper　and　drew　me　abroad　to　see　them　better。　　Such　walks　as　I　took；　

to　Croydon；　Wembledon；　West　Wickham　and　Greenwich；　impressed　upon　me　

the　interminable　extent　of　London's　residential　suburbs；　mile　after　

mile　one　went；　between　houses；　villas；　rows　of　cottages；　streets　of　

shops；　under　railway　arches；　over　railway　bridges。　　I　have　forgotten　

the　detailed　local　characteristicsif　there　were　anyof　much　of　

that　region　altogether。　　I　was　only　there　two　years；　and　half　my　

perambulations　occurred　at　dusk　or　after　dark。　　But　with　Penge　I　

associate　my　first　realisations　of　the　wonder　and　beauty　of　twilight　

and　night；　the　effect　of　dark　walls　reflecting　lamplight；　and　the　

mystery　of　blue　haze…veiled　hillsides　of　houses；　the　glare　of　shops　

by　night；　the　glowing　steam　and　streaming　sparks　of　railway　trains　

and　railway　signals　lit　up　in　the　darkness。　　My　first　rambles　in　the　

evening　occurred　at　PengeI　was　becoming　a　big　and　independent…

spirited　boyand　I　began　my　experience　of　smoking　during　these　

twilight　prowls　with　the　threepenny　packets　of　American　cigarettes　

then　just　appearing　in　the　world。



My　life　centred　upon　the　City　Merchants　School。　　Usually　I　caught　

the　eight…eighteen　for　Victoria；　I　had　a　midday　meal　and　tea；　four　

nights　a　week　I　stayed　for　preparation；　and　often　I　was　not　back　

home　again　until　within　an　hour　of　my　bedtime。　　I　spent　my　half　

holidays　at　school　in　order　to　play　cricket　and　football。　　This；　and　

a　pretty　voracious　appetite　for　miscellaneous　reading　which　was　

fostered　by　the　Penge　Middleton　Library；　did　not　leave　me　much　

leisure　for　local　topography。　　On　Sundays　also　I　sang　in　the　choir　

at　St。　Martin's　Church；　and　my　mother　did　not　like　me　to　walk　out　

alone　on　the　Sabbath　afternoon；　she　herself　slumbered；　so　that　I　

wrote　or　read　at　home。　　I　must　confess　I　was　at　home　as　little　as　I　

could　contrive。



Home；　after　my　father's　death；　had　become　a　very　quiet　and　

uneventful　place　indeed。　　My　mother　had　either　an　unimaginative　

temperament　or　her　mind　was　greatly　occupied　with　private　religious　

solicitudes；　and　I　remember　her　talking　to　me　but　little；　and　that　

usually　upon　topics　I　was　anxious　to　evade。　　I　had　developed　my　own　

view　about　low…Church　theology　long　before　my　father's　death；　and　my　

meditation　upon　that　event　had　finished　my　secret　estrangement　from　

my　mother's　faith。　　My　reason　would　not　permit　even　a　remote　chance　

of　his　being　in　hell；　he　was　so　manifestly　not　evil；　and　this　

religion　would　not　permit　him　a　remote　chance　of　being　out　yet。　　

When　I　was　a　little　boy　my　mother　had　taught　me　to　read　and　write　

and　pray　and　had　done　many　things　for　me；　indeed　she　persisted　in　

washing　me　and　even　in　making　my　clothes　until　I　rebelled　against　

these　things　as　indignities。　　But　our　minds　parted　very　soon。　　She　

never　began　to　understand　the　mental　processes　of　my　play；　she　never　

interested　herself　in　my　school　life　and　work；　she　could　not　

understand　things　I　said；　and　she　came；　I　think；　quite　insensibly　to　

regard　me　with　something　of　the　same　hopeless　perplexity　she　had　

felt　towards　my　father。



Him　she　must　have　wedded　under　considerable　delusions。　　I　do　not　

think　he　deceived　her；　indeed；　nor　do　I　suspect　him　of　mercenariness　

in　their　union；　but　no　doubt　he　played　up　to　her　requirements　in　the　

half　ingenuous　way　that　was　and　still　is　the　quality　of　most　wooing；　

and　presented　himself　as　a　very　brisk　and　orthodox　young　man。　　I　

wonder　why　nearly　all　lovemaking　has　to　be　fraudulent。　　Afterwards　

he　must　have　disappointed　her　cruelly　by　letting　one　aspect　after　

another　of　his　careless；　sceptical；　experimental　temperament　appear。　　

Her　mind　was　fixed　and　definite；　she　embodied　all　that　confidence　in　

church　and　decorum　and　the　assurances　of　the　pulpit　which　was　

characteristic　of　the　large　mass　of　the　English　peoplefor　after　

all；　the　rather　low…Church　section　WAS　the　largest　single　massin　

early　Victorian　times。　　She　had　dreams；　I　suspect；　of　going　to　

church　with　him　side　by　side；　she　in　a　little　poke　bonnet　and　a　

large　flounced　crinoline；　all　mauve　and　magenta　and　starched　under　a　

little　lace…trimmed　parasol；　and　he　in　a　tall　silk　hat　and　peg…top　

trousers　and　a　roll…collar　coat；　and　looking　rather　like　the　Prince　

Consort；white　angels　almost　visibly　raining　benedictions　on　their　

amiable　progress。　　Perhaps　she　dreamt　gently　of　much…belaced　babies　

and　an　interestingly　pious　（but　not　too　dissenting　or　fanatical）　

little　girl　or　boy　or　so；　also　angel…haunted。　　And　I　think；　too；　she　

must　have　seen　herself　ruling　a　seemly　〃home　of　taste；〃　with　a　

vivarium　in　the　conservatory　that　opened　out　of　the　drawing…room；　or　

again；　making　preserves　in　the　kitchen。　　My　father's　science…

teaching；　his　diagrams　of　disembowelled　humanity；　his　pictures　of　

prehistoric　beasts　that　contradicted　the　Flood；　his　disposition　

towards　soft　shirts　and　loose　tweed　suits；　his　inability　to　use　a　

clothes　brush；　his　spasmodic　reading　fits　and　his　bulldog　pipes；　

must　have　jarred　cruelly　with　her　rather　unintelligent　

anticipations。　　His　wild　moments　of　violent　temper　when　he　would　

swear　and　smash　things；　absurd　almost　lovable　storms　that　passed　

like　summer　thunder；　must　have　been　starkly　dreadful　to　her。　　She　

was　constitutionally　inadaptable；　and　certainly　made　no　attempt　to　

understand　or　tolerate　these　outbreaks。　　She　tried　them　by　her　

standards；　and　by　her　standards　they　were　wrong。　　Her　standards　hid　

him　from　her。　　The　blazing　things　he　said　rankled　in　her　mind　

unforgettably。



As　I　remember　them　together　they　chafed　constantly。　　Her　attitude　to　

nearly　all　his　moods　and　all　his　enterprises　was　a　sceptical　

disapproval。　　She　treated　him　as　something　that　belonged　to　me　and　

not　to　her。　　〃YOUR　father；〃　she　used　to　call　him；　as　though　I　had　

got　him　for　her。



She　had　married　late　and　she　had；　I　think；　become　mentally　self…

subsisting　before　her　marriage。　　Even　in　those　Herne　Hill　days　I　

used　to　wonder　what　was　going　on　in　her　mind；　and　I　find　that　old　

speculative　curiosity　return　as　I　write　this。　　She　took　a　

considerable　interest　in　the　housework　that　our　generally　

servantless　condition　put　upon　hershe　used　to　have　a　charwoman　in　

two　or　three　times　a　weekbut　she　did　not　do　it　with　any　great　

skill。　　She　covered　most　of　our　furniture　with　flouncey　ill…fitting　

covers；　and　she　cooked　plainly　and　without　very　much　judgment。　　The　

Penge　house；　as　it　contained　nearly　all　our　Bromstead　things；　was　

crowded　with　furniture；　and　is　chiefly　associated　in　my　mind　with　

the　smell　of　turpentine；　a　condiment　she　used　very　freely　upon　the　

veneered　mahogany　pieces。　　My　mother　had　an　equal　dread　of　〃blacks〃　

by　day　and　the　〃night　air；〃　so　that　our　brightly　clean　windows　were　

rarely　open。



She　took　a　morning　paper；　and　she　would　open　it　and　glance　at　the　

headlines；　but　she　did　not　read　it　until　the　afternoon　and　then；　I　

think；　she　was　interested　only　in　the　more　violent　crimes；　and　in　

railway　and　mine　disasters　and　in　the　minutest　domesticities　of　the　

Royal　Family。　　Most　of　the　books　at　home　were　my　father's；　and　I　do　

not　think　she　opened　any　of　them。　　She　had　one　or　two　volumes　that　

dated　from　her　own　youth；　and　she　tried　in　vain　to　interest　me　in　

them；　there　was　Miss　Strickland's　QUEENS　OF　ENGLAND；　a　book　I　

remember　with　particular　animosity；　and　QUEECHY　and　the　WIDE　WIDE　

WORLD。　　She　made　these　books　of　hers　into　a　class　apart　by　sewing　

outer　covers　upon　them　of　calico　and　figured　muslin。　　To　me　in　these　

habiliments　they　seemed　not　so　much　books　as　confederated　old　

ladies。



My　mother　was　also　very　punctual　with　her　religious　duties；　and　

rejoiced　to　watch　me　in　the　choir。



On　winter　evenings　she　occupied　an　armchair　on　the　other　side　of　the　

table　at　which　I　sat；　head　on　hand　reading；　and　she　would　be　darning　

stockings　or　socks　or　the　like。　　We　achieved　an　effect　of　rather　

stuffy　comfortableness　that　was　soporific；　and　in　a　passive　way　I　

think　she　found　these　among　her　happy　times。　　On　such　occasions　she　

was　wont　to　put　her　work　down　on　her　knees　and　fall　into　a　sort　of　

thoughtless　musing　that　would　last　for　long　intervals　and　rouse　my　

curiosity。　　For　like　most　young　people　I　could　not　imagine　mental　

states　without　definite　forms。



She　carried　on　a　correspondence　with　a　number　of　cousins　and　

friends；　writing　letters　in　a　slanting　Italian　hand　and　dealing　

mainly　with　births；　marriages　and　deaths；　business　starts　（in　the　

vaguest　terms）　and　the　distresses　of　bankruptcy。



And　yet；　you　know；　she　did　have　a　curious　intimate　life　of　her　own　

that　I　suspected　nothing　of　at　the　time；　that　only　now　becomes　

credible　to　me。　　She　kept　a　diary　that　is　still　in　my　posses