the gentle grafter-第7节

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have　met　that　Professor　James　Darnley　McCorkle　before　we　went。　I　had　a
curiosity　to　know　that　man。'

〃'That'll　be　easy；'　says　Andy；　turning　around　to　the　faro　dealer。

〃'Jim；'　says　Andy；　'shake　hands　with　Mr。　Peters。'〃



V

THE　HAND　THAT　RILES　THE　WORLD

〃Many　of　our　great　men；〃　said　I　（apropos　of　many　things）；　〃have
declared　that　they　owe　their　success　to　the　aid　and　encouragement　of
some　brilliant　woman。〃

〃I　know；〃　said　Jeff　Peters。　〃I've　read　in　history　and　mythology　about
Joan　of　Arc　and　Mme。　Yale　and　Mrs。　Caudle　and　Eve　and　other　noted
females　of　the　past。　But；　in　my　opinion；　the　woman　of　to…day　is　of
little　use　in　politics　or　business。　What's　she　best　in；　anyway？men
make　the　best　cooks；　milliners；　nurses；　housekeepers；　stenographers；
clerks；　hairdressers　and　launderers。　About　the　only　job　left　that　a
woman　can　beat　a　man　in　is　female　impersonator　in　vaudeville。〃

〃I　would　have　thought；〃　said　I；　〃that　occasionally；　anyhow；　you　would
have　found　the　wit　and　intuition　of　woman　valuable　to　you　in　your
lines　oferbusiness。〃

〃Now；　wouldn't　you；〃　said　Jeff；　with　an　emphatic　nod〃wouldn't　you
have　imagined　that？　But　a　woman　is　an　absolutely　unreliable　partner　in
any　straight　swindle。　She's　liable　to　turn　honest　on　you　when　you　are
depending　upon　her　the　most。　I　tried　'em　once。

〃Bill　Humble；　an　old　friend　of　mine　in　the　Territories；　conceived　the
illusion　that　he　wanted　to　be　appointed　United　States　Marshall。　At
that　time　me　and　Andy　was　doing　a　square；　legitimate　business　of
selling　walking　canes。　If　you　unscrewed　the　head　of　one　and　turned　it
up　to　your　mouth　a　half　pint　of　good　rye　whiskey　would　go　trickling
down　your　throat　to　reward　you　for　your　act　of　intelligence。　The
deputies　was　annoying　me　and　Andy　some；　and　when　Bill　spoke　to　me
about　his　officious　aspirations；　I　saw　how　the　appointment　as　Marshall
might　help　along　the　firm　of　Peters　&　Tucker。

〃'Jeff；'　says　Bill　to　me；　'you　are　a　man　of　learning　and　education；
besides　having　knowledge　and　information　concerning　not　only　rudiments
but　facts　and　attainments。'

〃'I　do；'　says　I；　'and　I　have　never　regretted　it。　I　am　not　one；'　says
I；　'who　would　cheapen　education　by　making　it　free。　Tell　me；'　says　I；
'which　is　of　the　most　value　to　mankind；　literature　or　horse　racking？'

〃'Whyer；　playing　the　poI　mean；　of　course；　the　poets　and　the
great　writers　have　got　the　call；　of　course；'　says　Bill。

〃'Exactly；'　says　I。　'Then　why　do　the　master　minds　of　finance　and
philanthropy；'　says　I；　'charge　us　2　to　get　into　a　race…track　and　let
us　into　a　library　free？　Is　that　distilling　into　the　masses；'　says　I；
'a　correct　estimate　of　the　relative　value　of　the　two　means　of　self…
culture　and　disorder？'

〃'You　are　arguing　outside　of　my　faculties　of　sense　and　rhetoric；'　says
Bill。　'What　I　wanted　you　to　do　is　to　go　to　Washington　and　dig　out　this
appointment　for　me。　I　haven't　no　ideas　of　cultivation　and　intrigue。
I'm　a　plain　citizen　and　I　need　the　job。　I've　killed　seven　men；'　says
Bill；　'I've　got　nine　children；　I've　been　a　good　Republican　ever　since
the　first　of　May；　I　can't　read　nor　write；　and　I　see　no　reason　why　I
ain't　illegible　for　the　office。　And　I　think　your　partner；　Mr。　Tucker；'
goes　on　Bill；　'is　also　a　man　of　sufficient　ingratiation　and　connected
system　of　mental　delinquency　to　assist　you　in　securing　the
appointment。　I　will　give　you　preliminary；'　says　Bill；　'1；000　for
drinks；　bribes　and　carfare　in　Washington。　If　you　land　the　job　I　will
pay　you　1；000　more；　cash　down；　and　guarantee　you　impunity　in　boot…
legging　whiskey　for　twelve　months。　Are　you　patriotic　to　the　West
enough　to　help　me　put　this　thing　through　the　Whitewashed　Wigwam　of　the
Great　Father　of　the　most　eastern　flag　station　of　the　Pennsylvania
Railroad？'　says　Bill。

〃Well；　I　talked　to　Andy　about　it；　and　he　liked　the　idea　immense。　Andy
was　a　man　of　an　involved　nature。　He　was　never　content　to　plod　along；
as　I　was；　selling　to　the　peasantry　some　little　tool　like　a　combination
steak　beater；　shoe　horn；　marcel　waver；　monkey　wrench；　nail　file；
potato　masher　and　Multum　in　Parvo　tuning　fork。　Andy　had　the　artistic
temper；　which　is　not　to　be　judged　as　a　preacher's　or　a　moral　man's　is
by　purely　commercial　deflections。　So　we　accepted　Bill's　offer；　and
strikes　out　for　Washington。

〃Says　I　to　Andy；　when　we　get　located　at　a　hotel　on　South　Dakota
Avenue；　G。S。S。W。　'Now　Andy；　for　the　first　time　in　our　lives　we've　got
to　do　a　real　dishonest　act。　Lobbying　is　something　we've　never　been
used　to；　but　we've　got　to　scandalize　ourselves　for　Bill　Humble's　sake。
In　a　straight　and　legitimate　business；'　says　I；　'we　could　afford　to
introduce　a　little　foul　play　and　chicanery；　but　in　a　disorderly　and
heinous　piece　of　malpractice　like　this　it　seems　to　me　that　the
straightforward　and　aboveboard　way　is　the　best。　I　propose；'　says　I；
'that　we　hand　over　500　of　this　money　to　the　chairman　of　the　national
campaign　committee；　get　a　receipt；　lay　the　receipt　on　the　President's
desk　and　tell　him　about　Bill。　The　President　is　a　man　who　would
appreciate　a　candidate　who　went　about　getting　office　that　way　instead
of　pulling　wires。'

〃Andy　agreed　with　me；　but　after　we　talked　the　scheme　over　with　the
hotel　clerk　we　give　that　plan　up。　He　told　us　that　there　was　only　one
way　to　get　an　appointment　in　Washington；　and　that　was　through　a　lady
lobbyist。　He　gave　us　the　address　of　one　he　recommended；　a　Mrs。　Avery；
who　he　said　was　high　up　in　sociable　and　diplomatic　rings　and　circles。

〃The　next　morning　at　10　o'clock　me　and　Andy　called　at　her　hotel；　and
was　shown　up　to　her　reception　room。

〃This　Mrs。　Avery　was　a　solace　and　a　balm　to　the　eyesight。　She　had　hair
the　color　of　the　back　of　a　twenty　dollar　gold　certificate；　blue　eyes
and　a　system　of　beauty　that　would　make　the　girl　on　the　cover　of　a　July
magazine　look　like　a　cook　on　a　Monongahela　coal　barge。

〃She　had　on　a　low　necked　dress　covered　with　silver　spangles；　and
diamond　rings　and　ear　bobs。　Her　arms　was　bare；　and　she　was　using　a
desk　telephone　with　one　hand；　and　drinking　tea　with　the　other。

〃'Well；　boys；'　says　she　after　a　bit；　'what　is　it？'

〃I　told　her　in　as　few　words　as　possible　what　we　wanted　for　Bill；　and
the　price　we　could　pay。

〃'Those　western　appointments；'　says　she；　'are　easy。　Le'me　see；　now；'
says　she；　'who　could　put　that　through　for　us。　No　use　fooling　with　the
Territorial　delegates。　I　guess；'　says　she；　'that　Senator　Sniper　would
be　about　the　man。　He's　from　somewheres　in　the　West。　Let's　see　how　he
stands　on　my　private　menu　card。'　She　takes　some　papers　out　of　a
pigeon…hole　with　the　letter　'S'　over　it。

〃'Yes；'　says　she；　'he's　marked　with　a　star；　that　means　〃ready　to
serve。〃　Now；　let's　see。　〃Age　55；　married　twice；　Presbyterian；　likes
blondes；　Tolstoi；　poker　and　stewed　terrapin；　sentimental　at　third
bottle　of　wine。〃　Yes；'　she　goes　on；　'I　am　sure　I　can　have　your　friend；
Mr。　Bummer；　appointed　Minister　to　Brazil。'

〃'Humble；'　says　I。　'And　United　States　Marshal　was　the　berth。'

〃'Oh；　yes；'　says　Mrs。　Avery。　'I　have　so　many　deals　of　this　sort　I
sometimes　get　them　confused。　Give　me　all　the　memoranda　you　have　of　the
case；　Mr。　Peters；　and　come　back　in　four　days。　I　think　it　can　be
arranged　by　then。'

〃So　me　and　Andy　goes　back　to　our　hotel　and　waits。　Andy　walks　up　and
down　and　chews　the　left　end　of　his　mustache。

〃'A　woman　of　high　intellect　and　perfect　beauty　is　a　rare　thing；　Jeff；'
says　he。

〃'As　rare；'　says　I；　'as　an　omelet　made　from　the　eggs　of　the　fabulous
bird　known　as　the　epidermis；'　says　I。

〃'A　woman　like　that；'　says　Andy；　'ought　to　lead　a　man　to　the　highest
positions　of　opulence　and　fame。'

〃'I　misdoubt；'　says　I；　'if　any　woman　ever　helped　a　man　to　secure　a　job
any　more　than　to　have　his　meals　ready　promptly　and　spread　a　report
that　the　other　candidate's　wife　had　once　been　a　shoplifter。　They　are
no　more　adapted　for　business　and　politics；'　says　I；　'than　Algernon
Charles　Swinburne　is　to　be　floor　manager　at　one　of　Chuck　Connor's
annual　balls。　I　know；'　says　I　to　Andy；　'that　sometimes　a　woman　seems
to　step　out　into　the　kalsomine　light　as　the　charge　d'affaires　of　her
man's　political　job。　But　how　does　it　come　out？　Say；　they　have　a　neat
little　berth　somewhere　as　foreign　consul　of　record　to　Afghanistan　or
lockkeeper　on　the　Delaware　and　Raritan　Canal。　One　day　this　man　finds
his　wife　putting　on　her　overshoes　and　three　months　supply　of　bird　seed
into　the　canary's　cage。　〃Sioux　Falls？〃　he　asks　with　a　kind　of　hopeful
light　in　his　eye。　〃No；　Arthur；〃　says　she；　〃Washington。　We're　wasted
here；〃　says　she。　〃You　ought　to　be　Toady　Extraordinary　to　the　Court　of
St。　Bridget　or　Head　Porter　of　the　Island　of　Porto　Rico。　I'm　going　to
see　about　it。〃

〃'Then　this　lady；'　I　says　to　Andy；　'moves　against　the　authorities　at
Washington　with　her　baggage　and　munitions；　consisting　of　five　dozen
indiscriminating　letters　written　to　her　by　a　member　of　the　Cabinet
when　she　was　15；　a　letter　of　introduction　from　King　Leopold　to　the
Smithsonian　Institution；　and　a　pink　silk　costume　with　canary　colored
spats。

〃'Well　and　then　what？'　I　goes。　'She　has　the　letters　printed　in　the
evening　papers　that　match　her　costume；　she　lectures　at　an　informal　tea
given　in　the　palm　room　of　the　B。　&　O。　Depot　and　then　calls　on　the
President。　The　ninth