the gentle grafter-第6节

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us。　We　would　fix　it　up　with　lights　and　pen　wipers　and　professors；　and
put　an　iron　dog　and　statues　of　Hercules　and　Father　John　on　the　lawn；
and　start　one　of　the　finest　free　educational　institutions　in　the　world
right　there。

〃So　we　talks　it　over　to　the　prominent　citizens　of　Floresville；　who
falls　in　fine　with　the　idea。　They　give　a　banquet　in　the　engine　house
to　us；　and　we　make　our　bow　for　the　first　time　as　benefactors　to　the
cause　of　progress　and　enlightenment。　Andy　makes　an　hour…and…a…half
speech　on　the　subject　of　irrigation　in　Lower　Egypt；　and　we　have　a
moral　tune　on　the　phonograph　and　pineapple　sherbert。

〃Andy　and　me　didn't　lose　any　time　in　philanthropping。　We　put　every　man
in　town　that　could　tell　a　hammer　from　a　step　ladder　to　work　on　the
building；　dividing　it　up　into　class　rooms　and　lecture　halls。　We　wire
to　Frisco　for　a　car　load　of　desks；　footballs；　arithmetics；　penholders；
dictionaries；　chairs　for　the　professors；　slates；　skeletons；　sponges；
twenty…seven　cravenetted　gowns　and　caps　for　the　senior　class；　and　an
open　order　for　all　the　truck　that　goes　with　a　first…class　university。
I　took　it　on　myself　to　put　a　campus　and　a　curriculum　on　the　list；　but
the　telegraph　operator　must　have　got　the　words　wrong；　being　an
ignorant　man；　for　when　the　goods　come　we　found　a　can　of　peas　and　a
curry…comb　among　'em。

〃While　the　weekly　papers　was　having　chalk…plate　cuts　of　me　and　Andy　we
wired　an　employment　agency　in　Chicago　to　express　us　f。o。b。；　six
professors　immediatelyone　English　literature；　one　up…to…date　dead
languages；　one　chemistry；　one　political　economydemocrat　preferred
one　logic；　and　one　wise　to　painting；　Italian　and　music；　with　union
card。　The　Esperanza　bank　guaranteed　salaries；　which　was　to　run　between
800　and　800。50。

〃Well；　sir；　we　finally　got　in　shape。　Over　the　front　door　was　carved
the　words：　'The　World's　University；　Peters　&　Tucker；　Patrons　and
Proprietors。　And　when　September　the　first　got　a　cross…mark　on　the
calendar；　the　come…ons　begun　to　roll　in。　First　the　faculty　got　off　the
tri…weekly　express　from　Tucson。　They　was　mostly　young；　spectacled；　and
red…headed；　with　sentiments　divided　between　ambition　and　food。　Andy
and　me　got　'em　billeted　on　the　Floresvillians　and　then　laid　for　the
students。

〃They　came　in　bunches。　We　had　advertised　the　University　in　all　the
state　papers；　and　it　did　us　good　to　see　how　quick　the　country
responded。　Two　hundred　and　nineteen　husky　lads　aging　along　from　18　up
to　chin　whiskers　answered　the　clarion　call　of　free　education。　They
ripped　open　that　town；　sponged　the　seams；　turned　it；　lined　it　with　new
mohair；　and　you　couldn't　have　told　it　from　Harvard　or　Goldfields　at
the　March　term　of　court。

〃They　marched　up　and　down　the　streets　waving　flags　with　the　World's
University　colorsultra…marine　and　blueand　they　certainly　made　a
lively　place　of　Floresville。　Andy　made　them　a　speech　from　the　balcony
of　the　Skyview　Hotel；　and　the　whole　town　was　out　celebrating。

〃In　about　two　weeks　the　professors　got　the　students　disarmed　and
herded　into　classes。　I　don't　believe　there's　any　pleasure　equal　to
being　a　philanthropist。　Me　and　Andy　bought　high　silk　hats　and
pretended　to　dodge　the　two　reporters　of　the　Floresville　Gazette。　The
paper　had　a　man　to　kodak　us　whenever　we　appeared　on　the　street；　and
ran　our　pictures　every　week　over　the　column　headed　'Educational
Notes。'　Andy　lectured　twice　a　week　at　the　University；　and　afterward　I
would　rise　and　tell　a　humorous　story。　Once　the　Gazette　printed　my
pictures　with　Abe　Lincoln　on　one　side　and　Marshall　P。　Wilder　on　the
other。　

〃Andy　was　as　interested　in　philanthropy　as　I　was。　We　used　to　wake　up
of　nights　and　tell　each　other　new　ideas　for　booming　the　University。

〃'Andy；'　says　I　to　him　one　day；　'there's　something　we　overlooked。　The
boys　ought　to　have　dromedaries。'

〃'What's　that？'　Andy　asks。

〃'Why；　something　to　sleep　in；　of　course；'　says　I。　'All　colleges　have
'em。'

〃'Oh；　you　mean　pajamas；'　says　Andy。

〃'I　do　not；'　says　I。　'I　mean　dromedaries。'　But　I　never　could　make　Andy
understand；　so　we　never　ordered　'em。　Of　course；　I　meant　them　long
bedrooms　in　colleges　where　the　scholars　sleep　in　a　row。

〃Well；　sir；　the　World's　University　was　a　success。　We　had　scholars　from
five　States　and　territories；　and　Floresville　had　a　boom。　A　new
shooting　gallery　and　a　pawn　shop　and　two　more　saloons　started；　and　the
boys　got　up　a　college　yell　that　went　this　way：

　　〃'Raw；　raw；　raw；
　　　　Done；　done；　done；
　　Peters；　Tucker；
　　　　Lots　of　fun；
　　Bow…wow…wow；
　　　　Haw…hee…haw；
　　World　University；
　　　　Hip；　hurrah！'

〃The　scholars　was　a　fine　lot　of　young　men；　and　me　and　Andy　was　as
proud　of　'em　as　if　they　belonged　to　our　own　family。

〃But　one　day　about　the　last　of　October　Andy　comes　to　me　and　asks　if　I
have　any　idea　how　much　money　we　had　left　in　the　bank。　I　guesses　about
sixteen　thousand。　'Our　balance；'　says　Andy；　'is　821。62。'

〃'What！'　says　I；　with　a　kind　of　a　yell。　'Do　you　mean　to　tell　me　that
them　infernal　clod…hopping；　dough…headed；　pup…faced；　goose…brained；
gate…stealing；　rabbit…eared　sons　of　horse　thieves　have　soaked　us　for
that　much？'

〃'No　less；'　says　Andy。

〃'Then；　to　Helvetia　with　philanthropy；'　says　I。

〃'Not　necessarily；'　says　Andy。　'Philanthropy；'　says　he；　'when　run　on　a
good　business　basis　is　one　of　the　best　grafts　going。　I'll　look　into
the　matter　and　see　if　it　can't　be　straightened　out。'

〃The　next　week　I　am　looking　over　the　payroll　of　our　faculty　when　I　run
across　a　new　nameProfessor　James　Darnley　McCorkle；　chair　of
mathematics；　salary　100　per　week。　I　yells　so　loud　that　Andy　runs　in
quick。

〃'What's　this；'　says　I。　'A　professor　of　mathematics　at　more　than
5；000　a　year？　How　did　this　happen？　Did　he　get　in　through　the　window
and　appoint　himself？'

〃'I　wired　to　Frisco　for　him　a　week　ago；'　says　Andy。　'In　ordering　the
faculty　we　seemed　to　have　overlooked　the　chair　of　mathematics。'

〃'A　good　thing　we　did；'　says　I。　'We　can　pay　his　salary　two　weeks；　and
then　our　philanthropy　will　look　like　the　ninth　hole　on　the　Skibo　golf
links。'

〃'Wait　a　while；'　says　Andy；　'and　see　how　things　turn　out。　We　have
taken　up　too　noble　a　cause　to　draw　out　now。　Besides；　the　further　I
gaze　into　the　retail　philanthropy　business　the　better　it　looks　to　me。
I　never　thought　about　investigating　it　before。　Come　to　think　of　it
now；'　goes　on　Andy；　'all　the　philanthropists　I　ever　knew　had　plenty　of
money。　I　ought　to　have　looked　into　that　matter　long　ago；　and　located
which　was　the　cause　and　which　was　the　effect。'

〃I　had　confidence　in　Andy's　chicanery　in　financial　affairs；　so　I　left
the　whole　thing　in　his　hands。　The　University　was　flourishing　fine；　and
me　and　Andy　kept　our　silk　hats　shined　up；　and　Floresville　kept　on
heaping　honors　on　us　like　we　was　millionaires　instead　of　almost　busted
philanthropists。

〃The　students　kept　the　town　lively　and　prosperous。　Some　stranger　came
to　town　and　started　a　faro　bank　over　the　Red　Front　livery　stable；　and
began　to　amass　money　in　quantities。　Me　and　Andy　strolled　up　one　night
and　piked　a　dollar　or　two　for　sociability。　There　were　about　fifty　of
our　students　there　drinking　rum　punches　and　shoving　high　stacks　of
blues　and　reds　about　the　table　as　the　dealer　turned　the　cards　up。

〃'Why；　dang　it；　Andy；'　says　I；　'these　free…school…hunting；　gander…
headed；　silk…socked　little　sons　of　sap…suckers　have　got　more　money
than　you　and　me　ever　had。　Look　at　the　rolls　they're　pulling　out　of
their　pistol　pockets？'

〃'Yes；'　says　Andy；　'a　good　many　of　them　are　sons　of　wealthy　miners　and
stockmen。　It's　very　sad　to　see　'em　wasting　their　opportunities　this
way。'

〃At　Christmas　all　the　students　went　home　to　spend　the　holidays。　We　had
a　farewell　blowout　at　the　University；　and　Andy　lectured　on　'Modern
Music　and　Prehistoric　Literature　of　the　Archipelagos。'　Each　one　of　the
faculty　answered　to　toasts；　and　compared　me　and　Andy　to　Rockefeller
and　the　Emperor　Marcus　Autolycus。　I　pounded　on　the　table　and　yelled
for　Professor　McCorkle；　but　it　seems　he　wasn't　present　on　the
occasion。　I　wanted　a　look　at　the　man　that　Andy　thought　could　earn　100
a　week　in　philanthropy　that　was　on　the　point　of　making　an　assignment。

〃The　students　all　left　on　the　night　train；　and　the　town　sounded　as
quiet　as　the　campus　of　a　correspondence　school　at　midnight。　When　I
went　to　the　hotel　I　saw　a　light　in　Andy's　room；　and　I　opened　the　door
and　walked　in。

〃There　sat　Andy　and　the　faro　dealer　at　a　table　dividing　a　two…foot
high　stack　of　currency　in　thousand…dollar　packages。

〃'Correct；'　says　Andy。　'Thirty…one　thousand　apiece。　Come　in；　Jeff；'
says　he。　'This　is　our　share　of　the　profits　of　the　first　half　of　the
scholastic　term　of　the　World's　University；　incorporated　and
philanthropated。　Are　you　convinced　now；'　says　Andy；　'that　philanthropy
when　practiced　in　a　business　way　is　an　art　that　blesses　him　who　gives
as　well　as　him　who　receives？'

〃'Great！'　says　I；　feeling　fine。　'I'll　admit　you　are　the　doctor　this
time。'

〃'We'll　be　leaving　on　the　morning　train；'　says　Andy。　'You'd　better　get
your　collars　and　cuffs　and　press　clippings　together。'

〃'Great！'　says　I。　'I'll　be　ready。　But；　Andy；'　says　I；　'I　wish　I　could
have　met　that　Professor　James　Darnley　McCorkle　before　we　went。　I　had　a
curiosity　to　kno