the gentle grafter-第5节

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〃'Stand　back！'　says　he；　raising　his　hand；　'or　I'll　call　the　dog。　I
told　you　not　to　waste　your　time。'

〃After　a　while　he　says：　'Bunk；　if　you　don't　mind　my　telling　you；　your
company　begins　to　cloy　slightly。　I've　got　to　write　an　article　on　the
Chimera　of　Communism　for　a　magazine；　and　attend　a　meeting　of　the　Race
Track　Association　this　afternoon。　Of　course　you　understand　by　now　that
you　can't　get　my　proxy　for　your　Remedy；　whatever　it　may　be。'

〃Well；　sir；　all　I　could　think　of　to　do　was　to　go　out　and　get　in　the
buggy。　The　horse　turned　round　and　took　me　back　to　the　hotel。　I　hitched
him　and　went　in　to　see　Andy。　In　his　room　I　told　him　about　this　farmer；
word　for　word；　and　I　sat　picking　at　the　table　cover　like　one　bereft　of
sagaciousness。

〃'I　don't　understand　it；'　says　I；　humming　a　sad　and　foolish　little
song　to　cover　my　humiliation。

〃Andy　walks　up　and　down　the　room　for　a　long　time；　biting　the　left　end
of　his　mustache　as　he　does　when　in　the　act　of　thinking。

〃'Jeff；'　says　he；　finally；　'I　believe　your　story　of　this　expurgated
rustic；　but　I　am　not　convinced。　It　looks　incredulous　to　me　that　he
could　have　inoculated　himself　against　all　the　preordained　systems　of
bucolic　bunco。　Now；　you　never　regarded　me　as　a　man　of　special
religious　proclivities；　did　you；　Jeff？'　says　Andy。

〃'Well；'　says　I；　'No。　But；'　says　I；　not　to　wound　his　feelings；　'I　have
also　observed　many　church　members　whose　said　proclivities　were　not　so
outwardly　developed　that　they　would　show　on　a　white　handkerchief　if
you　rubbed　'em　with　it。'

〃'I　have　always　been　a　deep　student　of　nature　from　creation　down；'
says　Andy；　'and　I　believe　in　an　ultimatum　design　of　Providence。
Farmers　was　made　for　a　purpose；　and　that　was　to　furnish　a　livelihood
to　men　like　me　and　you。　Else　why　was　we　given　brains？　It　is　my　belief
that　the　manna　that　the　Israelites　lived　on　for　forty　years　in　the
wilderness　was　only　a　figurative　word　for　farmers；　and　they　kept　up
the　practice　to　this　day。　And　now；'　says　Andy；　'I　am　going　to　test　my
theory　〃Once　a　farmer；　always　a　come…on；〃　in　spite　of　the　veneering
and　the　orifices　that　a　spurious　civilization　has　brought　to　him。'

〃'You'll　fail；　same　as　I　did；'　says　I。　'This　one's　shook　off　the
shackles　of　the　sheep…fold。　He's　entrenched　behind　the　advantages　of
electricity；　education；　literature　and　intelligence。'

〃'I'll　try；'　said　Andy。　'There　are　certain　Laws　of　Nature　that　Free
Rural　Delivery　can't　overcome。'

〃Andy　fumbles　around　awhile　in　the　closet　and　comes　out　dressed　in　a
suit　with　brown　and　yellow　checks　as　big　as　your　hand。　His　vest　is　red
with　blue　dots；　and　he　wears　a　high　silk　hat。　I　noticed　he'd　soaked
his　sandy　mustache　in　a　kind　of　blue　ink。

〃'Great　Barnums？'　says　I。　'You're　a　ringer　for　a　circus　thimblerig
man。'

〃'Right；'　says　Andy。　'Is　the　buggy　outside？　Wait　here　till　I　come
back。　I　won't　be　long。'

〃Two　hours　afterwards　Andy　steps　into　the　room　and　lays　a　wad　of　money
on　the　table。

〃'Eight　hundred　and　sixty　dollars；'　said　he。　'Let　me　tell　you。　He　was
in。　He　looked　me　over　and　began　to　guy　me。　I　didn't　say　a　word；　but
got　out　the　walnut　shells　and　began　to　roll　the　little　ball　on　the
table。　I　whistled　a　tune　or　two；　and　then　I　started　up　the　old
formula。

〃'Step　up　lively；　gentlemen；'　says　I；　'and　watch　the　little　ball。　It
costs　you　nothing　to　look。　There　you　see　it；　and　there　you　don't。
Guess　where　the　little　joker　is。　The　quickness　of　the　hand　deceives
the　eye。

〃'I　steals　a　look　at　the　farmer　man。　I　see　the　sweat　coming　out　on　his
forehead。　He　goes　over　and　closes　the　front　door　and　watches　me　some
more。　Directly　he　says：　〃I'll　bet　you　twenty　I　can　pick　the　shell　the
ball's　under　now。〃

〃'After　that；'　goes　on　Andy；　'there　is　nothing　new　to　relate。　He　only
had　860　cash　in　the　house。　When　I　left　he　followed　me　to　the　gate。
There　was　tears　in　his　eyes　when　he　shook　hands。

〃'〃Bunk；〃　says　he；　〃thank　you　for　the　only　real　pleasure　I've　had　in
years。　It　brings　up　happy　old　days　when　I　was　only　a　farmer　and　not　an
agriculturalist。　God　bless　you。〃'〃

Here　Jeff　Peters　ceased；　and　I　inferred　that　his　story　was　done。

〃Then　you　think〃I　began。

〃Yes；〃　said　Jeff。　〃Something　like　that。　You　let　the　farmers　go　ahead
and　amuse　themselves　with　politics。　Farming's　a　lonesome　life；　and
they've　been　against　the　shell　game　before。〃



IV

THE　CHAIR　OF　PHILANTHROMATHEMATICS

〃I　see　that　the　cause　of　Education　has　received　the　princely　gift　of
more　than　fifty　millions　of　dollars；〃　said　I。

I　was　gleaning　the　stray　items　from　the　evening　papers　while　Jeff
Peters　packed　his　briar　pipe　with　plug　cut。

〃Which　same；〃　said　Jeff；　〃calls　for　a　new　deck；　and　a　recitation　by
the　entire　class　in　philanthromathematics。〃

〃Is　that　an　allusion？〃　I　asked。

〃It　is；〃　said　Jeff。　〃I　never　told　you　about　the　time　when　me　and　Andy
Tucker　was　philanthropists；　did　I？　It　was　eight　years　ago　in　Arizona。
Andy　and　me　was　out　in　the　Gila　mountains　with　a　two…horse　wagon
prospecting　for　silver。　We　struck　it；　and　sold　out　to　parties　in
Tucson　for　25；000。　They　paid　our　check　at　the　bank　in　silvera
thousand　dollars　in　a　sack。　We　loaded　it　in　our　wagon　and　drove　east　a
hundred　miles　before　we　recovered　our　presence　of　intellect。　Twenty…
five　thousand　dollars　doesn't　sound　like　so　much　when　you're　reading
the　annual　report　of　the　Pennsylvania　Railroad　or　listening　to　an
actor　talking　about　his　salary；　but　when　you　can　raise　up　a　wagon
sheet　and　kick　around　your　bootheel　and　hear　every　one　of　'em　ring
against　another　it　makes　you　feel　like　you　was　a　night…and…day　bank
with　the　clock　striking　twelve。

〃The　third　day　out　we　drove　into　one　of　the　most　specious　and　tidy
little　towns　that　Nature　or　Rand　and　McNally　ever　turned　out。　It　was
in　the　foothills；　and　mitigated　with　trees　and　flowers　and　about　2；000
head　of　cordial　and　dilatory　inhabitants。　The　town　seemed　to　be　called
Floresville；　and　Nature　had　not　contaminated　it　with　many　railroads；
fleas　or　Eastern　tourists。

〃Me　and　Andy　deposited　our　money　to　the　credit　of　Peters　and　Tucker　in
the　Esperanza　Savings　Bank；　and　got　rooms　at　the　Skyview　Hotel。　After
supper　we　lit　up；　and　sat　out　on　the　gallery　and　smoked。　Then　was　when
the　philanthropy　idea　struck　me。　I　suppose　every　grafter　gets　it
sometime。

〃When　a　man　swindles　the　public　out　of　a　certain　amount　he　begins　to
get　scared　and　wants　to　return　part　of　it。　And　if　you'll　watch　close
and　notice　the　way　his　charity　runs　you'll　see　that　he　tries　to
restore　it　to　the　same　people　he　got　it　from。　As　a　hydrostatical　case；
take；　let's　say；　A。　A　made　his　millions　selling　oil　to　poor　students
who　sit　up　nights　studying　political　economy　and　methods　for
regulating　the　trusts。　So；　back　to　the　universities　and　colleges　goes
his　conscience　dollars。

〃There's　B　got　his　from　the　common　laboring　man　that　works　with　his
hands　and　tools。　How's　he　to　get　some　of　the　remorse　fund　back　into
their　overalls？

〃'Aha！'　says　B；　'I'll　do　it　in　the　name　of　Education。　I've　skinned　the
laboring　man；'　says　he　to　himself；　'but；　according　to　the　old　proverb；
〃Charity　covers　a　multitude　of　skins。〃'

〃So　he　puts　up　eighty　million　dollars'　worth　of　libraries；　and　the
boys　with　the　dinner　pail　that　builds　'em　gets　the　benefit。

〃'Where's　the　books？'　asks　the　reading　public。

〃'I　dinna　ken；'　says　B。　'I　offered　ye　libraries；　and　there　they　are。　I
suppose　if　I'd　given　ye　preferred　steel　trust　stock　instead　ye'd　have
wanted　the　water　in　it　set　out　in　cut　glass　decanters。　Hoot；　for　ye！'

〃But；　as　I　said；　the　owning　of　so　much　money　was　beginning　to　give　me
philanthropitis。　It　was　the　first　time　me　and　Andy　had　ever　made　a
pile　big　enough　to　make　us　stop　and　think　how　we　got　it。

〃'Andy；'　says　I；　'we're　wealthynot　beyond　the　dreams　of　average；　but
in　our　humble　way　we　are　comparatively　as　rich　as　Greasers。　I　feel　as
if　I'd　like　to　do　something　for　as　well　as　to　humanity。'

〃'I　was　thinking　the　same　thing；　Jeff；'　says　he。　'We've　been　gouging
the　public　for　a　long　time　with　all　kinds　of　little　schemes　from
selling　self…igniting　celluloid　collars　to　flooding　Georgia　with　Hoke
Smith　presidential　campaign　buttons。　I'd　like；　myself；　to　hedge　a　bet
or　two　in　the　graft　game　if　I　could　do　it　without　actually　banging　the
cymbalines　in　the　Salvation　Army　or　teaching　a　bible　class　by　the
Bertillon　system。

〃'What'll　we　do？'　says　Andy。　'Give　free　grub　to　the　poor　or　send　a
couple　of　thousand　to　George　Cortelyou？'

〃'Neither；'　says　I。　'We've　got　too　much　money　to　be　implicated　in
plain　charity；　and　we　haven't　got　enough　to　make　restitution。　So；
we'll　look　about　for　something　that's　about　half　way　between　the　two。'

〃The　next　day　in　walking　around　Floresville　we　see　on　a　hill　a　big　red
brick　building　that　appears　to　be　disinhabited。　The　citizens　speak　up
and　tell　us　that　it　was　begun　for　a　residence　several　years　before　by
a　mine　owner。　After　running　up　the　house　he　finds　he　only　had　2。80
left　to　furnish　it　with；　so　he　invests　that　in　whiskey　and　jumps　off
the　roof　on　a　spot　where　he　now　requiescats　in　pieces。

〃As　soon　as　me　and　Andy　saw　that　building　the　same　idea　struck　both　of
us。　We　would　fix　it　up　with　lights　and　pen　wipers　and　professors；　and
put　an　iron　do