the gentle grafter-第4节

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capital　to　go　into　business　together。〃



III

MODERN　RURAL　SPORTS

Jeff　Peters　must　be　reminded。　Whenever　he　is　called　upon；　pointedly；
for　a　story；　he　will　maintain　that　his　life　has　been　as　devoid　of
incident　as　the　longest　of　Trollope's　novels。　But　lured；　he　will
divulge。　Therefore　I　cast　many　and　divers　flies　upon　the　current　of
his　thoughts　before　I　feel　a　nibble。

〃I　notice；〃　said　I；　〃that　the　Western　farmers；　in　spite　of　their
prosperity；　are　running　after　their　old　populistic　idols　again。〃

〃It's　the　running　season；〃　said　Jeff；　〃for　farmers；　shad；　maple　trees
and　the　Connemaugh　river。　I　know　something　about　farmers。　I　thought　I
struck　one　once　that　had　got　out　of　the　rut；　but　Andy　Tucker　proved　to
me　I　was　mistaken。　'Once　a　farmer；　always　a　sucker；'　said　Andy。　'He's
the　man　that's　shoved　into　the　front　row　among　bullets；　ballots　and
the　ballet。　He's　the　funny…bone　and　gristle　of　the　country；'　said
Andy；　'and　I　don't　know　who　we　would　do　without　him。'

〃One　morning　me　and　Andy　wakes　up　with　sixty…eight　cents　between　us　in
a　yellow　pine　hotel　on　the　edge　of　the　pre…digested　hoe…cake　belt　of
Southern　Indiana。　How　we　got　off　the　train　there　the　night　before　I
can't　tell　you；　for　she　went　through　the　village　so　fast　that　what
looked　like　a　saloon　to　us　through　the　car　window　turned　out　to　be　a
composite　view　of　a　drug　store　and　a　water　tank　two　blocks　apart。　Why
we　got　off　at　the　first　station　we　could；　belongs　to　a　little　oroide
gold　watch　and　Alaska　diamond　deal　we　failed　to　pull　off　the　day
before；　over　the　Kentucky　line。

〃When　I　woke　up　I　heard　roosters　crowing；　and　smelt　something　like　the
fumes　of　nitro…muriatic　acid；　and　heard　something　heavy　fall　on　the
floor　below　us；　and　a　man　swearing。

〃'Cheer　up；　Andy；'　says　I。　'We're　in　a　rural　community。　Somebody　has
just　tested　a　gold　brick　downstairs。　We'll　go　out　and　get　what's
coming　to　us　from　a　farmer；　and　then　yoicks！　and　away。'

〃Farmers　was　always　a　kind　of　reserve　fund　to　me。　Whenever　I　was　in
hard　luck　I'd　go　to　the　crossroads；　hook　a　finger　in　a　farmer's
suspender；　recite　the　prospectus　of　my　swindle　in　a　mechanical　kind　of
a　way；　look　over　what　he　had；　give　him　back　his　keys；　whetstone　and
papers　that　was　of　no　value　except　to　owner；　and　stroll　away　without
asking　any　questions。　Farmers　are　not　fair　game　to　me　as　high　up　in
our　business　as　me　and　Andy　was；　but　there　was　times　when　we　found　'em
useful；　just　as　Wall　Street　does　the　Secretary　of　the　Treasury　now　and
then。

〃When　we　went　down　stairs　we　saw　we　was　in　the　midst　of　the　finest
farming　section　we　ever　see。　About　two　miles　away　on　a　hill　was　a　big
white　house　in　a　grove　surrounded　by　a　wide…spread　agricultural
agglomeration　of　fields　and　barns　and　pastures　and　out…houses。

〃'Whose　house　is　that？'　we　asked　the　landlord。

〃'That；'　says　he；　'is　the　domicile　and　the　arboreal；　terrestrial　and
horticultural　accessories　of　Farmer　Ezra　Plunkett；　one　of　our
country's　most　progressive　citizens。'

〃After　breakfast　me　and　Andy；　with　eight　cents　capital　left；　casts　the
horoscope　of　the　rural　potentate。

〃'Let　me　go　alone；'　says　I。　'Two　of　us　against　one　farmer　would　look
as　one…sided　as　Roosevelt　using　both　hands　to　kill　a　grizzly。'

〃'All　right；'　says　Andy。　'I　like　to　be　a　true　sport　even　when　I'm　only
collecting　rebates　from　the　rutabag　raisers。　What　bait　are　you　going
to　use　for　this　Ezra　thing？'　Andy　asks　me。

〃'Oh；'　I　says；　'the　first　thing　that　come　to　hand　in　the　suit　case。　I
reckon　I'll　take　along　some　of　the　new　income　tax　receipts；　and　the
recipe　for　making　clover　honey　out　of　clabber　and　apple　peelings；　and
the　order　blanks　for　the　McGuffey's　readers；　which　afterwards　turn　out
to　be　McCormick's　reapers；　and　the　pearl　necklace　found　on　the　train；
and　a　pocket…size　goldbrick；　and　a'

〃'That'll　be　enough；'　says　Andy。　'Any　one　of　the　lot　ought　to　land　on
Ezra。　And　say；　Jeff；　make　that　succotash　fancier　give　you　nice；　clean；
new　bills。　It's　a　disgrace　to　our　Department　of　Agriculture；　Civil
Service　and　Pure　Food　Law　the　kind　of　stuff　some　of　these　farmers　hand
out　to　use。　I've　had　to　take　rolls　from　'em　that　looked　like　bundles
of　microbe　cultures　captured　out　of　a　Red　Cross　ambulance。'

〃So；　I　goes　to　a　livery　stable　and　hires　a　buggy　on　my　looks。　I　drove
out　to　the　Plunkett　farm　and　hitched。　There　was　a　man　sitting　on　the
front　steps　of　the　house。　He　had　on　a　white　flannel　suit；　a　diamond
ring；　golf　cap　and　a　pink　ascot　tie。　'Summer　boarder；'　says　I　to
myself。

〃'I'd　like　to　see　Farmer　Ezra　Plunkett；'　says　I　to　him。

〃'You　see　him；'　says　he。　'What　seems　to　be　on　your　mind？'

〃I　never　answered　a　word。　I　stood　still；　repeating　to　myself　the
rollicking　lines　of　that　merry　jingle；　'The　Man　with　the　Hoe。'　When　I
looked　at　this　farmer；　the　little　devices　I　had　in　my　pocket　for
buncoing　the　pushed…back　brows　seemed　as　hopeless　as　trying　to　shake
down　the　Beef　Trust　with　a　mittimus　and　a　parlor　rifle。

〃'Well；'　says　he；　looking　at　me　close；　'speak　up。　I　see　the　left
pocket　of　your　coat　sags　a　good　deal。　Out　with　the　goldbrick　first。
I'm　rather　more　interested　in　the　bricks　than　I　am　in　the　trick　sixty…
day　notes　and　the　lost　silver　mine　story。'

〃I　had　a　kind　of　cerebral　sensation　of　foolishness　in　my　ideas　of
ratiocination；　but　I　pulled　out　the　little　brick　and　unwrapped　my
handkerchief　off　it。

〃'One　dollar　and　eighty　cents；'　says　the　farmer　hefting　it　in　his
hand。　'Is　it　a　trade？'

〃'The　lead　in　it　is　worth　more　than　that；'　says　I；　dignified。　I　put　it
back　in　my　pocket。

〃'All　right；'　says　he。　'But　I　sort　of　wanted　it　for　the　collection　I'm
starting。　I　got　a　5；000　one　last　week　for　2。10。'

〃Just　then　a　telephone　bell　rings　in　the　house。

〃'Come　in；　Bunk；'　says　the　farmer；　'and　look　at　my　place。　It's　kind　of
lonesome　here　sometimes。　I　think　that's　New　York　calling。'

〃We　went　inside。　The　room　looked　like　a　Broadway　stockbroker'slight
oak　desks；　two　'phones；　Spanish　leather　upholstered　chairs　and
couches；　oil　paintings　in　gilt　frames　a　foot　deep　and　a　ticker　hitting
off　the　news　in　one　corner。

〃'Hello；　hello！'　says　this　funny　farmer。　'Is　that　the　Regent　Theatre？
Yes；　this　is　Plunkett；　of　Woodbine　Centre。　Reserve　four　orchestra
seats　for　Friday　eveningmy　usual　ones。　Yes；　Fridaygood…bye。'

〃'I　run　over　to　New　York　every　two　weeks　to　see　a　show；'　says　the
farmer；　hanging　up　the　receiver。　'I　catch　the　eighteen…hour　flyer　at
Indianapolis；　spend　ten　hours　in　the　heyday　of　night　on　the　Yappian
Way；　and　get　home　in　time　to　see　the　chickens　go　to　roost　forty…eight
hours　later。　Oh；　the　pristine　Hubbard　squasherino　of　the　cave…dwelling
period　is　getting　geared　up　some　for　the　annual　meeting　of　the　Don't…
Blow…Out…the…Gas　Association；　don't　you　think；　Mr。　Bunk？'

〃'I　seem　to　perceive；'　says　I；　'a　kind　of　hiatus　in　the　agrarian
traditions　in　which　heretofore；　I　have　reposed　confidence。'

〃'Sure；　Bunk；'　says　he。　'The　yellow　primrose　on　the　river's　brim　is
getting　to　look　to　us　Reubs　like　a　holiday　edition　de　luxe　of　the
Language　of　Flowers　with　deckle　edges　and　frontispiece。'

〃Just　then　the　telephone　calls　him　again。

〃'Hello；　hello！'　says　he。　'Oh；　that's　Perkins；　at　Milldale。　I　told　you
800　was　too　much　for　that　horse。　Have　you　got　him　there？　Good。　Let　me
see　him。　Get　away　from　the　transmitter。　Now　make　him　trot　in　a　circle。
Faster。　Yes；　I　can　hear　him。　Keep　onfaster　yet。　。　。　。　That'll　do。
Now　lead　him　up　to　the　phone。　Closer。　Get　his　nose　nearer。　There。　Now
wait。　No；　I　don't　want　that　horse。　What？　No；　not　at　any　price。　He
interferes；　and　he's　windbroken。　Goodbye。'

〃'Now；　Bunk；'　says　the　farmer；　'do　you　begin　to　realize　that
agriculture　has　had　a　hair　cut？　You　belong　in　a　bygone　era。　Why；　Tom
Lawson　himself　knows　better　than　to　try　to　catch　an　up…to…date
agriculturalist　napping。　It's　Saturday；　the　Fourteenth；　on　the　farm；
you　bet。　Now；　look　here；　and　see　how　we　keep　up　with　the　day's
doings。'

〃He　shows　me　a　machine　on　a　table　with　two　things　for　your　ears　like
the　penny…in…the…slot　affairs。　I　puts　it　on　and　listens。　A　female
voice　starts　up　reading　headlines　of　murders；　accidents　and　other
political　casualities。

〃'What　you　hear；'　says　the　farmer；　'is　a　synopsis　of　to…day's　news　in
the　New　York；　Chicago；　St。　Louis　and　San　Francisco　papers。　It　is　wired
in　to　our　Rural　News　Bureau　and　served　hot　to　subscribers。　On　this
table　you　see　the　principal　dailies　and　weeklies　of　the　country。　Also
a　special　service　of　advance　sheets　of　the　monthly　magazines。'

〃I　picks　up　one　sheet　and　sees　that　it's　headed：　'Special　Advance
Proofs。　In　July；　1909；　the　/Century/　will　say'and　so　forth。

〃The　farmer　rings　up　somebodyhis　manager；　I　reckonand　tells　him　to
let　that　herd　of　15　Jerseys　go　at　600　a　head；　and　to　sow　the　900…acre
field　in　wheat；　and　to　have　200　extra　cans　ready　at　the　station　for
the　milk　trolley　car。　Then　he　passes　the　Henry　Clays　and　sets　out　a
bottle　of　green　chartreuse；　and　goes　over　and　looks　at　the　ticker
tape。

〃'Consolidated　Gas　up　two　points；'　says　he。　'Oh；　very　well。'

〃'Ever　monkey　with　copper？'　I　asks。

〃'Stand　back！'　says　he；　raising　his　hand；　'or　I'll　call　the　dog。　I
told　you　not　to　waste　your　time。'

〃After　a　while　he　says：　'Bunk；