the gentle grafter-第3节

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account　of　the　local　mixture　of　politics　and　jalap。　Andy　had　just　got
in　on　the　train　that　morning。　He　was　pretty　low　himself；　and　was　going
to　canvass　the　whole　town　for　a　few　dollars　to　build　a　new　battleship
by　popular　subscription　at　Eureka　Springs。　So　we　went　out　and　sat　on
the　porch　and　talked　it　over。

〃The　next　morning　at　eleven　o'clock　when　I　was　sitting　there　alone；　an
Uncle　Tom　shuffles　into　the　hotel　and　asked　for　the　doctor　to　come　and
see　Judge　Banks；　who；　it　seems；　was　the　mayor　and　a　mighty　sick　man。

〃'I'm　no　doctor；'　says　I。　'Why　don't　you　go　and　get　the　doctor？'

〃'Boss；'　says　he。　'Doc　Hoskins　am　done　gone　twenty　miles　in　de　country
to　see　some　sick　persons。　He's　de　only　doctor　in　de　town；　and　Massa
Banks　am　powerful　bad　off。　He　sent　me　to　ax　you　to　please；　suh；　come。'

〃'As　man　to　man；'　says　I；　'I'll　go　and　look　him　over。'　So　I　put　a
bottle　of　Resurrection　Bitters　in　my　pocket　and　goes　up　on　the　hill　to
the　mayor's　mansion；　the　finest　house　in　town；　with　a　mannered　roof
and　two　cast　iron　dogs　on　the　lawn。

〃This　Mayor　Banks　was　in　bed　all　but　his　whiskers　and　feet。　He　was
making　internal　noises　that　would　have　had　everybody　in　San　Francisco
hiking　for　the　parks。　A　young　man　was　standing　by　the　bed　holding　a
cup　of　water。

〃'Doc；'　says　the　Mayor；　'I'm　awful　sick。　I'm　about　to　die。　Can't　you
do　nothing　for　me？'

〃'Mr。　Mayor；'　says　I；　'I'm　not　a　regular　preordained　disciple　of　S。　Q。
Lapius。　I　never　took　a　course　in　a　medical　college；'　says　I。　'I've
just　come　as　a　fellow　man　to　see　if　I　could　be　off　assistance。'

〃'I'm　deeply　obliged；'　says　he。　'Doc　Waugh…hoo；　this　is　my　nephew；　Mr。
Biddle。　He　has　tried　to　alleviate　my　distress；　but　without　success。
Oh；　Lordy！　Ow…ow…ow！！'　he　sings　out。

〃I　nods　at　Mr。　Biddle　and　sets　down　by　the　bed　and　feels　the　mayor's
pulse。　'Let　me　see　your　liveryour　tongue；　I　mean；'　says　I。　Then　I
turns　up　the　lids　of　his　eyes　and　looks　close　that　the　pupils　of　'em。

〃'How　long　have　you　been　sick？'　I　asked。

〃'I　was　taken　downow…ouchlast　night；'　says　the　Mayor。　'Gimme
something　for　it；　doc；　won't　you？'

〃'Mr。　Fiddle；'　says　I；　'raise　the　window　shade　a　bit；　will　you？'

〃'Biddle；'　says　the　young　man。　'Do　you　feel　like　you　could　eat　some
ham　and　eggs；　Uncle　James？'

〃'Mr。　Mayor；'　says　I；　after　laying　my　ear　to　his　right　shoulder　blade
and　listening；　'you've　got　a　bad　attack　of　super…inflammation　of　the
right　clavicle　of　the　harpsichord！'

〃'Good　Lord！'　says　he；　with　a　groan；　'Can't　you　rub　something　on　it；
or　set　it　or　anything？'

〃I　picks　up　my　hat　and　starts　for　the　door。

〃'You　ain't　going；　doc？'　says　the　Mayor　with　a　howl。　'You　ain't　going
away　and　leave　me　to　die　with　thissuperfluity　of　the　clapboards；　are
you？'

〃'Common　humanity；　Dr。　Whoa…ha；'　says　Mr。　Biddle；　'ought　to　prevent
your　deserting　a　fellow…human　in　distress。'

〃'Dr。　Waugh…hoo；　when　you　get　through　plowing；'　says　I。　And　then　I
walks　back　to　the　bed　and　throws　back　my　long　hair。

〃'Mr。　Mayor；'　says　I；　'there　is　only　one　hope　for　you。　Drugs　will　do
you　no　good。　But　there　is　another　power　higher　yet；　although　drugs　are
high　enough；'　says　I。

〃'And　what　is　that？'　says　he。

〃'Scientific　demonstrations；'　says　I。　'The　triumph　of　mind　over
sarsaparilla。　The　belief　that　there　is　no　pain　and　sickness　except
what　is　produced　when　we　ain't　feeling　well。　Declare　yourself　in
arrears。　Demonstrate。'

〃'What　is　this　paraphernalia　you　speak　of；　Doc？'　says　the　Mayor。　'You
ain't　a　Socialist；　are　you？'

〃'I　am　speaking；'　says　I；　'of　the　great　doctrine　of　psychic
financieringof　the　enlightened　school　of　long…distance；　sub…
conscientious　treatment　of　fallacies　and　meningitisof　that　wonderful
in…door　sport　known　as　personal　magnetism。'

〃'Can　you　work　it；　doc？'　asks　the　Mayor。

〃'I'm　one　of　the　Sole　Sanhedrims　and　Ostensible　Hooplas　of　the　Inner
Pulpit；'　says　I。　'The　lame　talk　and　the　blind　rubber　whenever　I　make　a
pass　at　'em。　I　am　a　medium；　a　coloratura　hypnotist　and　a　spirituous
control。　It　was　only　through　me　at　the　recent　seances　at　Ann　Arbor
that　the　late　president　of　the　Vinegar　Bitters　Company　could　revisit
the　earth　to　communicate　with　his　sister　Jane。　You　see　me　peddling
medicine　on　the　street；'　says　I；　'to　the　poor。　I　don't　practice
personal　magnetism　on　them。　I　do　not　drag　it　in　the　dust；'　says　I；
'because　they　haven't　got　the　dust。'

〃'Will　you　treat　my　case？'　asks　the　Mayor。

〃'Listen；'　says　I。　'I've　had　a　good　deal　of　trouble　with　medical
societies　everywhere　I've　been。　I　don't　practice　medicine。　But；　to
save　your　life；　I'll　give　you　the　psychic　treatment　if　you'll　agree　as
mayor　not　to　push　the　license　question。'

〃'Of　course　I　will；'　says　he。　'And　now　get　to　work；　doc；　for　them
pains　are　coming　on　again。'

〃'My　fee　will　be　250。00；　cure　guaranteed　in　two　treatments；'　says　I。

〃'All　right；'　says　the　Mayor。　'I'll　pay　it。　I　guess　my　life's　worth
that　much。'

〃I　sat　down　by　the　bed　and　looked　him　straight　in　the　eye。

〃'Now；'　says　I；　'get　your　mind　off　the　disease。　You　ain't　sick。　You
haven't　got　a　heart　or　a　clavicle　or　a　funny　bone　or　brains　or
anything。　You　haven't　got　any　pain。　Declare　error。　Now　you　feel　the
pain　that　you　didn't　have　leaving；　don't　you？'

〃'I　do　feel　some　little　better；　doc；'　says　the　Mayor；　'darned　if　I
don't。　Now　state　a　few　lies　about　my　not　having　this　swelling　in　my
left　side；　and　I　think　I　could　be　propped　up　and　have　some　sausage　and
buckwheat　cakes。'

〃I　made　a　few　passes　with　my　hands。

〃'Now；'　says　I；　'the　inflammation's　gone。　The　right　lobe　of　the
perihelion　has　subsided。　You're　getting　sleepy。　You　can't　hold　your
eyes　open　any　longer。　For　the　present　the　disease　is　checked。　Now；　you
are　asleep。'

〃The　Mayor　shut　his　eyes　slowly　and　began　to　snore。

〃'You　observe；　Mr。　Tiddle；'　says　I；　'the　wonders　of　modern　science。'

〃'Biddle；'　says　he；　'When　will　you　give　uncle　the　rest　of　the
treatment；　Dr。　Pooh…pooh？'

〃'Waugh…hoo；'　says　I。　'I'll　come　back　at　eleven　to…morrow。　When　he
wakes　up　give　him　eight　drops　of　turpentine　and　three　pounds　of　steak。
Good　morning。'

〃The　next　morning　I　was　back　on　time。　'Well；　Mr。　Riddle；'　says　I；　when
he　opened　the　bedroom　door；　'and　how　is　uncle　this　morning？'

〃'He　seems　much　better；'　says　the　young　man。

〃The　mayor's　color　and　pulse　was　fine。　I　gave　him　another　treatment；
and　he　said　the　last　of　the　pain　left　him。

〃'Now；'　says　I；　'you'd　better　stay　in　bed　for　a　day　or　two；　and　you'll
be　all　right。　It's　a　good　thing　I　happened　to　be　in　Fisher　Hill；　Mr。
Mayor；'　says　I；　'for　all　the　remedies　in　the　cornucopia　that　the
regular　schools　of　medicine　use　couldn't　have　saved　you。　And　now　that
error　has　flew　and　pain　proved　a　perjurer；　let's　allude　to　a
cheerfuller　subjectsay　the　fee　of　250。　No　checks；　please；　I　hate　to
write　my　name　on　the　back　of　a　check　almost　as　bad　as　I　do　on　the
front。'

〃'I've　got　the　cash　here；'　says　the　mayor；　pulling　a　pocket　book　from
under　his　pillow。

〃He　counts　out　five　fifty…dollar　notes　and　holds　'em　in　his　hand。

〃'Bring　the　receipt；'　he　says　to　Biddle。

〃I　signed　the　receipt　and　the　mayor　handed　me　the　money。　I　put　it　in
my　inside　pocket　careful。

〃'Now　do　your　duty；　officer；'　says　the　mayor；　grinning　much　unlike　a
sick　man。

〃Mr。　Biddle　lays　his　hand　on　my　arm。

〃'You're　under　arrest；　Dr。　Waugh…hoo；　alias　Peters；'　says　he；　'for
practising　medicine　without　authority　under　the　State　law。'

〃'Who　are　you？'　I　asks。

〃'I'll　tell　you　who　he　is；'　says　Mr。　Mayor；　sitting　up　in　bed。　'He's　a
detective　employed　by　the　State　Medical　Society。　He's　been　following
you　over　five　counties。　He　came　to　me　yesterday　and　we　fixed　up　this
scheme　to　catch　you。　I　guess　you　won't　do　any　more　doctoring　around
these　parts；　Mr。　Fakir。　What　was　it　you　said　I　had；　doc？'　the　mayor
laughs；　'compoundwell；　it　wasn't　softening　of　the　brain；　I　guess；
anyway。'

〃'A　detective；'　says　I。

〃'Correct；'　says　Biddle。　'I'll　have　to　turn　you　over　to　the　sheriff。'

〃'Let's　see　you　do　it；'　says　I；　and　I　grabs　Biddle　by　the　throat　and
half　throws　him　out　the　window；　but　he　pulls　a　gun　and　sticks　it　under
my　chin；　and　I　stand　still。　Then　he　puts　handcuffs　on　me；　and　takes
the　money　out　of　my　pocket。

〃'I　witness；'　says　he；　'that　they're　the　same　bank　bills　that　you　and
I　marked；　Judge　Banks。　I'll　turn　them　over　to　the　sheriff　when　we　get
to　his　office；　and　he'll　send　you　a　receipt。　They'll　have　to　be　used
as　evidence　in　the　case。'

〃'All　right；　Mr。　Biddle；'　says　the　mayor。　'And　now；　Doc　Waugh…hoo；'　he
goes　on；　'why　don't　you　demonstrate？　Can't　you　pull　the　cork　out　of
your　magnetism　with　your　teeth　and　hocus…pocus　them　handcuffs　off？'

〃'Come　on；　officer；'　says　I；　dignified。　'I　may　as　well　make　the　best
of　it。'　And　then　I　turns　to　old　Banks　and　rattles　my　chains。

〃'Mr。　Mayor；'　says　I；　'the　time　will　come　soon　when　you'll　believe
that　personal　magnetism　is　a　success。　And　you'll　be　sure　that　it
succeeded　in　this　case；　too。'

〃And　I　guess　it　did。

〃When　we　got　nearly　to　the　gate；　I　says：　'We　might　meet　somebody　now；
Andy。　I　reckon　you　better　take　'em　off；　and'　Hey？　Why；　of　course　it
was　Andy　Tucker。　That　was　his　scheme；　and　that's　how　we　got　the
capital　to　go　into　business　together。〃



II