the gentle grafter-第25节

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has　depreciated　some。　The　best　I　could　do　with　thirty　thousand
dollars'　worth　of　the　bonds　was　to　secure　a　loan　of　eighty…seven
dollars　and　fifty　cents。　On　the　farming　lands　of　Colonel　Rockingham；
Judge　Pendergast　was　able　to　obtain；　on　a　ninth　mortgage；　the　sum　of
fifty　dollars。　You　will　find　the　amount；　one　hundred　and　thirty…seven
fifty；　correct。〃

〃A　railroad　president；〃　said　I；　looking　this　Tucker　in　the　eye；　〃and
the　owner　of　a　thousand　acres　of　land；　and　yet〃

〃Gentlemen；〃　says　Tucker；　〃The　railroad　is　ten　miles　long。　There　don't
any　train　run　on　it　except　when　the　crew　goes　out　in　the　pines　and
gathers　enough　lightwood　knots　to　get　up　steam。　A　long　time　ago；　when
times　was　good；　the　net　earnings　used　to　run　as　high　as　eighteen
dollars　a　week。　Colonel　Rockingham's　land　has　been　sold　for　taxes
thirteen　times。　There　hasn't　been　a　peach　crop　in　this　part　of　Georgia
for　two　years。　The　wet　spring　killed　the　watermelons。　Nobody　around
here　has　money　enough　to　buy　fertilizer；　and　land　is　so　poor　the　corn
crop　failed　and　there　wasn't　enough　grass　to　support　the　rabbits。　All
the　people　have　had　to　eat　in　this　section　for　over　a　year　is　hog　and
hominy；　and〃

〃Pick；〃　interrupts　Caligula；　mussing　up　his　red　hair；　〃what　are　you
going　to　do　with　that　chicken…feed？〃

I　hands　the　money　back　to　Major　Tucker；　and　then　I　goes　over　to
Colonel　Rockingham　and　slaps　him　on　the　back。

〃Colonel；〃　says　I；　〃I　hope　you've　enjoyed　our　little　joke。　We　don't
want　to　carry　it　too　far。　Kidnappers！　Well；　wouldn't　it　tickle　your
uncle？　My　name's　Rhinegelder；　and　I'm　a　nephew　of　Chauncey　Depew。　My
friend's　a　second　cousin　of　the　editor　of　/Puck/。　So　you　can　see。　We
are　down　South　enjoying　ourselves　in　our　humorous　way。　Now；　there's
two　quarts　of　cognac　to　open　yet；　and　then　the　joke's　over。〃

What's　the　use　to　go　into　details？　One　or　two　will　be　enough。　I
remember　Major　Tallahassee　Tucker　playing　on　a　jew's…harp；　and
Caligula　waltzing　with　his　head　on　the　watch　pocket　of　a　tall　baggage…
master。　I　hesitate　to　refer　to　the　cake…walk　done　by　me　and　Mr。
Patterson　G。　Coble　with　Colonel　Jackson　T。　Rockingham　between　us。

And　even　on　the　next　morning；　when　you　wouldn't　think　it　possible；
there　was　a　consolation　for　me　and　Caligula。　We　knew　that　Raisuli
himself　never　made　half　the　hit　with　Burdick　Harris　that　we　did　with
the　Sunrise　&　Edenville　Tap　Railroad。



XIV

THE　ETHICS　OF　PIG

On　an　east…bound　train　I　went　into　the　smoker　and　found　Jefferson
Peters；　the　only　man　with　a　brain　west　of　the　Wabash　River　who　can　use
his　cerebrum　cerebellum；　and　medulla　oblongata　at　the　same　time。

Jeff　is　in　the　line　of　unillegal　graft。　He　is　not　to　be　dreaded　by
widows　and　orphans；　he　is　a　reducer　of　surplusage。　His　favorite
disguise　is　that　of　the　target…bird　at　which　the　spendthrift　or　the
reckless　investor　may　shy　a　few　inconsequential　dollars。　He　is　readily
vocalized　by　tobacco；　so；　with　the　aid　of　two　thick　and　easy…burning
brevas；　I　got　the　story　of　his　latest　Autolycan　adventure。

〃In　my　line　of　business；〃　said　Jeff；　〃the　hardest　thing　is　to　find　an
upright；　trustworthy；　strictly　honorable　partner　to　work　a　graft　with。
Some　of　the　best　men　I　ever　worked　with　in　a　swindle　would　resort　to
trickery　at　times。

〃So；　last　summer；　I　thinks　I　will　go　over　into　this　section　of　country
where　I　hear　the　serpent　has　not　yet　entered；　and　see　if　I　can　find　a
partner　naturally　gifted　with　a　talent　for　crime；　but　not　yet
contaminated　by　success。

〃I　found　a　village　that　seemed　to　show　the　right　kind　of　a　layout。　The
inhabitants　hadn't　found　that　Adam　had　been　dispossessed；　and　were
going　right　along　naming　the　animals　and　killing　snakes　just　as　if
they　were　in　the　Garden　of　Eden。　They　call　this　town　Mount　Nebo；　and
it's　up　near　the　spot　where　Kentucky　and　West　Virginia　and　North
Carolina　corner　together。　Them　States　don't　meet？　Well；　it　was　in　that
neighborhood；　anyway。

〃After　putting　in　a　week　proving　I　wasn't　a　revenue　officer；　I　went
over　to　the　store　where　the　rude　fourflushers　of　the　hamlet　lied；　to
see　if　I　could　get　a　line　on　the　kind　of　man　I　wanted。

〃'Gentlemen；'　says　I；　after　we　had　rubbed　noses　and　gathered　'round
the　dried…apple　barrel。　'I　don't　suppose　there's　another　community　in
the　whole　world　into　which　sin　and　chicanery　has　less　extensively
permeated　than　this。　Life　here；　where　all　the　women　are　brave　and
propitious　and　all　the　men　honest　and　expedient；　must；　indeed；　be　an
idol。　It　reminds　me；'　says　I；　'of　Goldstein's　beautiful　ballad
entitled　〃The　Deserted　Village；〃　which　says：

　　'Ill　fares　the　land；　to　hastening　ills　a　prey；
　　　　What　art　can　drive　its　charms　away？
　　The　judge　rode　slowly　down　the　lane；　mother。
　　　　For　I'm　to　be　Queen　of　the　May。'

〃'Why；　yes；　Mr。　Peters；'　says　the　storekeeper。　'I　reckon　we　air　about
as　moral　and　torpid　a　community　as　there　be　on　the　mounting；　according
to　censuses　of　opinion；　but　I　reckon　you　ain't　ever　met　Rufe　Tatum。'

〃'Why；　no；'　says　the　town　constable；　'he　can't　hardly　have　ever。　That
air　Rufe　is　shore　the　monstrousest　scalawag　that　has　escaped　hangin'
on　the　galluses。　And　that　puts　me　in　mind　that　I　ought　to　have　turned
Rufe　out　of　the　lockup　before　yesterday。　The　thirty　days　he　got　for
killin'　Yance　Goodloe　was　up　then。　A　day　or　two　more　won't　hurt　Rufe
any；　though。'

〃'Shucks；　now；'　says　I；　in　the　mountain　idiom；　'don't　tell　me　there's
a　man　in　Mount　Nebo　as　bad　as　that。'

〃'Worse；'　says　the　storekeeper。　'He　steals　hogs。'

〃I　think　I　will　look　up　this　Mr。　Tatum；　so　a　day　or　two　after　the
constable　turned　him　out　I　got　acquainted　with　him　and　invited　him　out
on　the　edge　of　town　to　sit　on　a　log　and　talk　business。

〃What　I　wanted　was　a　partner　with　a　natural　rural　make…up　to　play　a
part　in　some　little　one…act　outrages　that　I　was　going　to　book　with　the
Pitfall　&　Gin　circuit　in　some　of　the　Western　towns；　and　this　R。　Tatum
was　born　for　the　role　as　sure　as　nature　cast　Fairbanks　for　the　stuff
that　kept　/Eliza/　from　sinking　into　the　river。

〃He　was　about　the　size　of　a　first　baseman；　and　he　had　ambiguous　blue
eyes　like　the　china　dog　on　the　mantelpiece　that　Aunt　Harriet　used　to
play　with　when　she　was　a　child。　His　hair　waved　a　little　bit　like　the
statue　of　the　dinkus…thrower　at　the　Vacation　in　Rome；　but　the　color　of
it　reminded　you　of　the　'Sunset　in　the　Grand　Canon；　by　an　American
Artist；'　that　they　hang　over　the　stove…pipe　holes　in　the　salongs。　He
was　the　Reub；　without　needing　a　touch。　You'd　have　known　him　for　one；
even　if　you'd　seen　him　on　the　vaudeville　stage　with　one　cotton
suspender　and　a　straw　over　his　ear。

〃I　told　him　what　I　wanted；　and　found　him　ready　to　jump　at　the　job。

〃'Overlooking　such　a　trivial　little　peccadillo　as　the　habit　of
manslaughter；'　says　I；　'what　have　you　accomplished　in　the　way　of
indirect　brigandage　or　nonactionable　thriftiness　that　you　could　point
to；　with　or　without　pride；　as　an　evidence　of　your　qualifications　for
the　position？'

〃'Why；'　says　he；　in　his　kind　of　Southern　system　of　procrastinated
accents；　'hain't　you　heard　tell？　There　ain't　any　man；　black　or　white；
in　the　Blue　Ridge　that　can　tote　off　a　shoat　as　easy　as　I　can　without
bein'　heard；　seen；　or　cotched。　I　can　lift　a　shoat；'　he　goes　on；　'out
of　a　pen；　from　under　a　porch；　at　the　trough；　in　the　woods；　day　or
night；　anywhere　or　anyhow；　and　I　guarantee　nobody　won't　hear　a　squeal。
It's　all　in　the　way　you　grab　hold　of　'em　and　carry　'em　atterwards。
Some　day；'　goes　on　this　gentle　despoiler　of　pig…pens；　'I　hope　to
become　reckernized　as　the　champion　shoat…stealer　of　the　world。'

〃'It's　proper　to　be　ambitious；'　says　I；　'and　hog…stealing　will　do　very
well　for　Mount　Nebo；　but　in　the　outside　world；　Mr。　Tatum；　it　would　be
considered　as　crude　a　piece　of　business　as　a　bear　raid　on　Bay　State
Gas。　However；　it　will　do　as　a　guarantee　of　good　faith。　We'll　go　into
partnership。　I've　got　a　thousand　dollars　cash　capital；　and　with　that
homeward…plods　atmosphere　of　yours　we　ought　to　be　able　to　win　out　a
few　shares　of　Soon　Parted；　preferred；　in　the　money　market。'

〃So　I　attaches　Rufe；　and　we　go　away　from　Mount　Nebo　down　into　the
lowlands。　And　all　the　way　I　coach　him　for　his　part　in　the　grafts　I　had
in　mind。　I　had　idled　away　two　months　on　the　Florida　coast；　and　was
feeling　all　to　the　Ponce　de　Leon；　besides　having　so　many　new　schemes
up　my　sleeve　that　I　had　to　wear　kimonos　to　hold　'em。

〃I　intended　to　assume　a　funnel　shape　and　mow　a　path　nine　miles　wide
though　the　farming　belt　of　the　Middle　West；　so　we　headed　in　that
direction。　But　when　we　got　as　far　as　Lexington　we　found　Binkley
Brothers'　circus　there；　and　the　blue…grass　peasantry　romping　into　town
and　pounding　the　Belgian　blocks　with　their　hand…pegged　sabots　as
artless　and　arbitrary　as　an　extra　session　of　a　Datto　Bryan　drama。　I
never　pass　a　circus　without　pulling　the　valve…cord　and　coming　down　for
a　little　Key　West　money；　so　I　engaged　a　couple　of　rooms　and　board　for
Rufe　and　me　at　a　house　near　the　circus　grounds　run　by　a　widow　lady
named　Peevy。　Then　I　took　Rufe　to　a　clothing　store　and　gent's…outfitted
him。　He　showed　up　strong；　as　I　knew　he　would；　after　he　was　rigged　up
in　the　ready…made　rutabaga　regalia。　Me　and　old　Misfitzky　stuffed　him
into　a　bright　blue　suit　wi