the gentle grafter-第24节

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and　went　in　for　a　little　luncheon　/de　luxe/　just　to　show　him。　Caligula
was　a　fine　cook　of　the　Western　brand。　He　could　toast　a　buffalo　or
fricassee　a　couple　of　steers　as　easy　as　a　woman　could　make　a　cup　of
tea。　He　was　gifted　in　the　way　of　knocking　together　edibles　when　haste
and　muscle　and　quantity　was　to　be　considered。　He　held　the　record　west
of　the　Arkansas　River　for　frying　pancakes　with　his　left　hand；　broiling
venison　cutlets　with　his　right；　and　skinning　a　rabbit　with　his　teeth
at　the　same　time。　But　I　could　do　things　/en　casserole/　and　/a　la
creole/；　and　handle　the　oil　and　tobasco　as　gently　and　nicely　as　a
French　/chef/。

So　at　twelve　o'clock　we　had　a　hot　lunch　ready　that　looked　like　a
banquet　on　a　Mississippi　River　steamboat。　We　spread　it　on　the　tops　of
two　or　three　big　boxes；　opened　two　quarts　of　the　red　wine；　set　the
olives　and　a　canned　oyster　cocktail　and　a　ready…made　Martini　by　the
colonel's　plate；　and　called　him　to　grub。

Colonel　Rockingham　drew　up　his　campstool；　wiped　off　his　specs；　and
looked　at　the　things　on　the　table。　Then　I　thought　he　was　swearing；　and
I　felt　mean　because　I　hadn't　taken　more　pains　with　the　victuals。　But
he　wasn't；　he　was　asking　a　blessing；　and　me　and　Caligula　hung　our
heads；　and　I　saw　a　tear　drop　from　the　colonel's　eye　into　his　cocktail。

I　never　saw　a　man　eat　with　so　much　earnestness　and　applicationnot
hastily；　like　a　grammarian；　or　one　of　the　canal；　but　slow　and
appreciative；　like　a　anaconda；　or　a　real　/vive　bonjour/。

In　an　hour　and　a　half　the　colonel　leaned　back。　I　brought　him　a　pony　of
brandy　and　his　black　coffee；　and　set　the　box　of　Havana　regalias　on　the
table。

〃Gentlemen；〃　says　he；　blowing　out　the　smoke　and　trying　to　breathe　it
back　again；　〃when　we　view　the　eternal　hills　and　the　smiling　and
beneficent　landscape；　and　reflect　upon　the　goodness　of　the　Creator
who〃

〃Excuse　me；　colonel；〃　says　I；　〃but　there's　some　business　to　attend　to
now〃；　and　I　brought　out　paper　and　pen　and　ink　and　laid　'em　before　him。
〃Who　do　you　want　to　send　to　for　the　money？〃　I　asks。

〃I　reckon；〃　says　he；　after　thinking　a　bit；　〃to　the　vice…president　of
our　railroad；　at　the　general　offices　of　the　Company　in　Edenville。〃

〃How　far　is　it　to　Edenville　from　here？〃　I　asked。

〃About　ten　miles；〃　says　he。

Then　I　dictated　these　lines；　and　Colonel　Rockingham　wrote　them　out：

　　I　am　kidnapped　and　held　a　prisoner　by　two　desperate　outlaws　in　a
　　place　which　is　useless　to　attempt　to　find。　They　demand　ten
　　thousand　dollars　at　once　for　my　release。　The　amount　must　be　raised
　　immediately；　and　these　directions　followed。　Come　alone　with　the
　　money　to　Stony　Creek；　which　runs　out　of　Blacktop　Mountains。　Follow
　　the　bed　of　the　creek　till　you　come　to　a　big　flat　rock　on　the　left
　　bank；　on　which　is　marked　a　cross　in　red　chalk。　Stand　on　the　rock
　　and　wave　a　white　flag。　A　guide　will　come　to　you　and　conduct　you　to
　　where　I　am　held。　Lose　no　time。

After　the　colonel　had　finished　this；　he　asked　permission　to　take　on　a
postscript　about　how　he　was　being　treated；　so　the　railroad　wouldn't
feel　uneasy　in　its　bosom　about　him。　We　agreed　to　that。　He　wrote　down
that　he　had　just　had　lunch　with　the　two　desperate　ruffians；　and　then
he　set　down　the　whole　bill　of　fare；　from　cocktails　to　coffee。　He　wound
up　with　the　remark　that　dinner　would　be　ready　about　six；　and　would
probably　be　a　more　licentious　and　intemperate　affair　than　lunch。

Me　and　Caligula　read　it；　and　decided　to　let　it　go；　for　we；　being
cooks；　were　amenable　to　praise；　though　it　sounded　out　of　place　on　a
sight　draft　for　ten　thousand　dollars。

I　took　the　letter　over　to　the　Mountain　Valley　road　and　watched　for　a
messenger。　By　and　by　a　colored　equestrian　came　along　on　horseback；
riding　toward　Edenville。　I　gave　him　a　dollar　to　take　the　letter　to　the
railroad　offices；　and　then　I　went　back　to　camp。


IV

About　four　o'clock　in　the　afternoon；　Caligula；　who　was　acting　as
lookout；　calls　to　me：

〃I　have　to　report　a　white　shirt　signalling　on　the　starboard　bow；　sir。〃

I　went　down　the　mountain　and　brought　back　a　fat；　red　man　in　an　alpaca
coat　and　no　collar。

〃Gentlemen；〃　says　Colonel　Rockingham；　〃allow　me　to　introduce　my
brother；　Captain　Duval　C。　Rockingham；　vice…president　of　the　Sunrise　&
Edenville　Tap　Railroad。〃

〃Otherwise　the　King　of　Morocco；〃　says　I。　〃I　reckon　you　don't　mind　my
counting　the　ransom；　just　as　a　business　formality。〃

〃Well；　no；　not　exactly；〃　says　the　fat　man；　〃not　when　it　comes。　I
turned　that　matter　over　to　our　second　vice…president。　I　was　anxious
after　Brother　Jackson's　safetiness。　I　reckon　he'll　be　along　right
soon。　What　does　that　lobster　salad　you　mentioned　taste　like；　Brother
Jackson？〃

〃Mr。　Vice…President；〃　says　I；　〃you'll　oblige　us　by　remaining　here　till
the　second　V。P。　arrives。　This　is　a　private　rehearsal；　and　we　don't
want　any　roadside　speculators　selling　tickets。〃

In　half　an　hour　Caligula　sings　out　again：

〃Sail　ho！　Looks　like　an　apron　on　a　broomstick。〃

I　perambulated　down　the　cliff　again；　and　escorted　up　a　man　six　foot
three；　with　a　sandy　beard　and　no　other　dimension　that　you　could
notice。　Thinks　I　to　myself；　if　he's　got　ten　thousand　dollars　on　his
person　it's　in　one　bill　and　folded　lengthwise。

〃Mr。　Patterson　G。　Coble；　our　second　vice…president；〃　announces　the
colonel。

〃Glad　to　know　you；　gentlemen；〃　says　this　Coble。　〃I　came　up　to
disseminate　the　tidings　that　Major　Tallahassee　Tucker；　our　general
passenger　agent；　is　now　negotiating　a　peachcrate　full　of　our　railroad
bonds　with　the　Perry　County　Bank　for　a　loan。　My　dear　Colonel
Rockingham；　was　that　chicken　gumbo　or　cracked　goobers　on　the　bill　of
fare　in　your　note？　Me　and　the　conductor　of　fifty…six　was　having　a
dispute　about　it。〃

〃Another　white　wings　on　the　rocks！〃　hollers　Caligula。　〃If　I　see　any
more　I'll　fire　on　'em　and　swear　they　was　torpedo…boats！〃

The　guide　goes　down　again；　and　convoys　into　the　lair　a　person　in　blue
overalls　carrying　an　amount　of　inebriety　and　a　lantern。　I　am　so　sure
that　this　is　Major　Tucker　that　I　don't　even　ask　him　until　we　are　up
above；　and　then　I　discover　that　it　is　Uncle　Timothy；　the　yard
switchman　at　Edenville；　who　is　sent　ahead　to　flag　our　understandings
with　the　gossip　that　Judge　Pendergast；　the　railroad's　attorney；　is　in
the　process　of　mortgaging　Colonel　Rockingham's　farming　lands　to　make
up　the　ransom。

While　he　is　talking；　two　men　crawl　from　under　the　bushes　into　camp；
and　Caligula；　with　no　white　flag　to　disinter　him　from　his　plain　duty；
draws　his　gun。　But　again　Colonel　Rockingham　intervenes　and　introduces
Mr。　Jones　and　Mr。　Batts；　engineer　and　fireman　of　train　number　forty…
two。

〃Excuse　us；〃　says　Batts；　〃but　me　and　Jim　have　hunted　squirrels　all
over　this　mounting；　and　we　don't　need　no　white　flag。　Was　that
straight；　colonel；　about　the　plum　pudding　and　pineapples　and　real
store　cigars？〃

〃Towel　on　a　fishing…pole　in　the　offing！〃　howls　Caligula。　〃Suppose　it's
the　firing　line　of　the　freight　conductors　and　brakeman。〃

〃My　last　trip　down；〃　says　I；　wiping　off　my　face。　〃If　the　S。　&　E。T。
wants　to　run　an　excursion　up　here　just　because　we　kidnapped　their
president；　let　'em。　We'll　put　out　our　sign。　'The　Kidnapper's　Cafe　and
Trainmen's　Home。'〃

This　time　I　caught　Major　Tallahassee　Tucker　by　his　own　confession；　and
I　felt　easier。　I　asked　him　into　the　creek；　so　I　could　drown　him　if　he
happened　to　be　a　track…walker　or　caboose　porter。　All　the　way　up　the
mountain　he　driveled　to　me　about　asparagus　on　toast；　a　thing　that　his
intelligence　in　life　had　skipped。

Up　above　I　got　his　mind　segregated　from　food　and　asked　if　he　had
raised　the　ransom。

〃My　dear　sir；〃　says　he；　〃I　succeeded　in　negotiating　a　loan　on　thirty
thousand　dollars'　worth　of　the　bonds　of　our　railroad；　and〃

〃Never　mind　just　now；　major；〃　says　I。　〃It's　all　right；　then。　Wait　till
after　dinner；　and　we'll　settle　the　business。　All　of　you　gentlemen；〃　I
continues　to　the　crowd；　〃are　invited　to　stay　to　dinner。　We　have
mutually　trusted　one　another；　and　the　white　flag　is　supposed　to　wave
over　the　proceedings。〃

〃The　correct　idea；〃　says　Caligula；　who　was　standing　by　me。　〃Two
baggage…masters　and　a　ticket…agent　dropped　out　of　a　tree　while　you　was
below　the　last　time。　Did　the　major　man　bring　the　money？〃

〃He　says；〃　I　answered；　〃that　he　succeeded　in　negotiating　the　loan。〃

If　any　cooks　ever　earned　ten　thousand　dollars　in　twelve　hours；　me　and
Caligula　did　that　day。　At　six　o'clock　we　spread　the　top　of　the
mountain　with　as　fine　a　dinner　as　the　personnel　of　any　railroad　ever
engulfed。　We　opened　all　the　wine；　and　we　concocted　entrees　and　/pieces
de　resistance/；　and　stirred　up　little　savory　/chef　de　cuisines/　and
organized　a　mass　of　grub　such　as　has　been　seldom　instigated　out　of
canned　and　bottled　goods。　The　railroad　gathered　around　it；　and　the
wassail　and　diversions　was　intense。

After　the　feast　me　and　Caligula；　in　the　line　of　business；　takes　Major
Tucker　to　one　side　and　talks　ransom。　The　major　pulls　out　an
agglomeration　of　currency　about　the　size　of　the　price　of　a　town　lot　in
the　suburbs　of　Rabbitville；　Arizona；　and　makes　this　outcry。

〃Gentlemen；〃　says　he；　〃the　stock　of　the　Sunrise　&　Edenville　railroad
has　depreciated　some。　The　best　I　could　do　with　thirty　thousand
dollars'　worth　of　the　bonds　was　to　sec