the gentle grafter-第23节

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and　smiled；　and　all　the　kids　stopped　playing　to　look　at　him。　Our
landlord　stepped　out　on　the　porch　and　bent　himself　double　like　a
carpenter's　rule；　and　sung　out；　〃Good…morning；　Colonel；〃　when　he　was　a
dozen　yards　gone　by。

〃And　is　that　Alexander；　pa？〃　says　Caligula　to　the　landlord；　〃and　why
is　he　called　great？〃

〃That；　gentlemen；〃　says　the　landlord；　〃is　no　less　than　Colonel　Jackson
T。　Rockingham；　the　president　of　the　Sunrise　&　Edenville　Tap　Railroad；
mayor　of　Mountain　Valley；　and　chairman　of　the　Perry　County　board　of
immigration　and　public　improvements。〃

〃Been　away　a　good　many　years；　hasn't　he？〃　I　asked。

〃No；　sir；　Colonel　Rockingham　is　going　down　to　the　post…office　for　his
mail。　His　fellow…citizens　take　pleasure　in　greeting　him　thus　every
morning。　The　colonel　is　our　most　prominent　citizen。　Besides　the　height
of　the　stock　of　the　Sunrise　&　Edenville　Tap　Railroad；　he　owns　a
thousand　acres　of　that　land　across　the　creek。　Mountain　Valley
delights；　sir；　to　honor　a　citizen　of　such　worth　and　public　spirit。〃

For　an　hour　that　afternoon　Caligula　sat　on　the　back　of　his　neck　on　the
porch　and　studied　a　newspaper；　which　was　unusual　in　a　man　who　despised
print。　When　he　was　through　he　took　me　to　the　end　of　the　porch　among
the　sunlight　and　drying　dish…towels。　I　knew　that　Caligula　had　invented
a　new　graft。　For　he　chewed　the　ends　of　his　mustache　and　ran　the　left
catch　of　his　suspenders　up　and　down；　which　was　his　way。

〃What　is　it　now？〃　I　asks。　〃Just　so　it　ain't　floating　mining　stocks　or
raising　Pennsylvania　pinks；　we'll　talk　it　over。〃

〃Pennsylvania　pinks？　Oh；　that　refers　to　a　coin…raising　scheme　of　the
Keystoners。　They　burn　the　soles　of　old　women's　feet　to　make　them　tell
where　their　money's　hid。〃

Caligula's　words　in　business　was　always　few　and　bitter。

〃You　see　them　mountains；〃　said　he；　pointing。　〃And　you　seen　that
colonel　man　that　owns　railroads　and　cuts　more　ice　when　he　goes　to　the
post…office　than　Roosevelt　does　when　he　cleans　'em　out。　What　we're
going　to　do　is　to　kidnap　the　latter　into　the　former；　and　inflict　a
ransom　of　ten　thousand　dollars。〃

〃Illegality；〃　says　I；　shaking　my　head。

〃I　knew　you'd　say　that；〃　says　Caligula。　〃At　first　sight　it　does　seem
to　jar　peace　and　dignity。　But　it　don't。　I　got　the　idea　out　of　that
newspaper。　Would　you　commit　aspersions　on　a　equitable　graft　that　the
United　States　itself　has　condoned　and　indorsed　and　ratified？〃

〃Kidnapping；〃　says　I；　〃is　an　immoral　function　in　the　derogatory　list
of　the　statutes。　If　the　United　States　upholds　it；　it　must　be　a　recent
enactment　of　ethics；　along　with　race　suicide　and　rural　delivery。〃

〃Listen；〃　says　Caligula；　〃and　I'll　explain　the　case　set　down　in　the
papers。　Here　was　a　Greek　citizen　named　Burdick　Harris；〃　says　he；
〃captured　for　a　graft　by　Africans；　and　the　United　States　sends　two
gunboats　to　the　State　of　Tangiers　and　makes　the　King　of　Morocco　give
up　seventy　thousand　dollars　to　Raisuli。〃

〃Go　slow；〃　says　I。　〃That　sounds　too　international　to　take　in　all　at
once。　It's　like　'thimble；　thimble；　who's　got　the　naturalization
papers？'〃

〃'Twas　press　despatches　from　Constantinople；〃　says　Caligula。　〃You'll
see；　six　months　from　now。　They'll　be　confirmed　by　the　monthly
magazines；　and　then　it　won't　be　long　till　you'll　notice　'em　alongside
the　photos　of　the　Mount　Pelee　eruption　photos　in　the　while…you…get…
your…hair…cut　weeklies。　It's　all　right；　Pick。　This　African　man　Raisuli
hides　Burdick　Harris　up　in　the　mountains；　and　advertises　his　price　to
the　governments　of　different　nations。　Now；　you　wouldn't　think　for　a
minute；〃　goes　on　Caligula；　〃that　John　Hay　would　have　chipped　in　and
helped　this　graft　along　if　it　wasn't　a　square　game；　would　you？〃

〃Why；　no；〃　says　I。　〃I've　always　stood　right　in　with　Bryan's　policies；
and　I　couldn't　consciously　say　a　word　against　the　Republican
administration　just　now。　But　if　Harris　was　a　Greek；　on　what　system　of
international　protocols　did　Hay　interfere？〃

〃It　ain't　exactly　set　forth　in　the　papers；〃　says　Caligula。　〃I　suppose
it's　a　matter　of　sentiment。　You　know　he　wrote　this　poem；　'Little
Breeches'；　and　them　Greeks　wear　little　or　none。　But　anyhow；　John　Hay
sends　the　Brooklyn　and　the　Olympia　over；　and　they　cover　Africa　with
thirty…inch　guns。　And　then　Hay　cables　after　the　health　of　the　/persona
grata/。　'And　how　are　they　this　morning？'　he　wires。　'Is　Burdick　Harris
alive　yet；　or　Mr。　Raisuli　dead？'　And　the　King　of　Morocco　sends　up　the
seventy　thousand　dollars；　and　they　turn　Burdick　Harris　loose。　And
there's　not　half　the　hard　feelings　among　the　nations　about　this　little
kidnapping　matter　as　there　was　about　the　peace　congress。　And　Burdick
Harris　says　to　the　reporters；　in　the　Greek　language；　that　he's　often
heard　about　the　United　States；　and　he　admires　Roosevelt　next　to
Raisuli；　who　is　one　of　the　whitest　and　most　gentlemanly　kidnappers
that　he　ever　worked　alongside　of。　So　you　see；　Pick；〃　winds　up
Caligula；　〃we've　got　the　law　of　nations　on　our　side。　We'll　cut　this
colonel　man　out　of　the　herd；　and　corral　him　in　them　little　mountains；
and　stick　up　his　heirs　and　assigns　for　ten　thousand　dollars。〃

〃Well；　you　seldom　little　red…headed　territorial　terror；〃　I　answers；
〃you　can't　bluff　your　uncle　Tecumseh　Pickens！　I'll　be　your　company　in
this　graft。　But　I　misdoubt　if　you've　absorbed　the　inwardness　of　this
Burdick　Harris　case；　Calig；　and　if　on　any　morning　we　get　a　telegram
from　the　Secretary　of　State　asking　about　the　health　of　the　scheme；　I
propose　to　acquire　the　most　propinquitous　and　celeritous　mule　in　this
section　and　gallop　diplomatically　over　into　the　neighboring　and
peaceful　nation　of　Alabama。〃


III

Me　and　Caligula　spent　the　next　three　days　investigating　the　bunch　of
mountains　into　which　we　proposed　to　kidnap　Colonel　Jackson　T。
Rockingham。　We　finally　selected　an　upright　slice　of　topography　covered
with　bushes　and　trees　that　you　could　only　reach　by　a　secret　path　that
we　cut　out　up　the　side　of　it。　And　the　only　way　to　reach　the　mountain
was　to　follow　up　the　bend　of　a　branch　that　wound　among　the　elevations。

Then　I　took　in　hand　an　important　subdivision　of　the　proceedings。　I
went　up　to　Atlanta　on　the　train　and　laid　in　a　two…hundred…and…fifty…
dollar　supply　of　the　most　gratifying　and　efficient　lines　of　grub　that
money　could　buy。　I　always　was　an　admirer　of　viands　in　their　more
palliative　and　revised　stages。　Hog　and　hominy　are　not　only　inartistic
to　my　stomach；　but　they　give　indigestion　to　my　moral　sentiments。　And　I
thought　of　Colonel　Jackson　T。　Rockingham；　president　of　the　Sunrise　&
Edenville　Tap　Railroad；　and　how　he　would　miss　the　luxury　of　his　home
fare　as　is　so　famous　among　wealthy　Southerners。　So　I　sunk　half　of　mine
and　Caligula's　capital　in　as　elegant　a　layout　of　fresh　and　canned
provisions　as　Burdick　Harris　or　any　other　professional　kidnappee　ever
saw　in　a　camp。

I　put　another　hundred　in　a　couple　of　cases　of　Bordeaux；　two　quarts　of
cognac；　two　hundred　Havana　regalias　with　gold　bands；　and　a　camp　stove
and　stools　and　folding　cots。　I　wanted　Colonel　Rockingham　to　be
comfortable；　and　I　hoped　after　he　gave　up　the　ten　thousand　dollars　he
would　give　me　and　Caligula　as　good　a　name　for　gentlemen　and
entertainers　as　the　Greek　man　did　the　friend　of　his　that　made　the
United　States　his　bill　collector　against　Africa。

When　the　goods　came　down　from　Atlanta；　we　hired　a　wagon；　moved　them　up
on　the　little　mountain；　and　established　camp。　And　then　we　laid　for　the
colonel。

We　caught　him　one　morning　about　two　miles　out　from　Mountain　Valley；　on
his　way　to　look　after　some　of　his　burnt　umber　farm　land。　He　was　an
elegant　old　gentleman；　as　thin　and　tall　as　a　trout　rod；　with　frazzled
shirt…cuffs　and　specs　on　a　black　string。　We　explained　to　him；　brief
and　easy；　what　we　wanted；　and　Caligula　showed　him；　careless；　the
handle　of　his　forty…five　under　his　coat。

〃What？〃　says　Colonel　Rockingham。　〃Bandits　in　Perry　County；　Georgia！　I
shall　see　that　the　board　of　immigration　and　public　improvements　hears
of　this！〃

〃Be　so　unfoolhardy　as　to　climb　into　that　buggy；〃　says　Caligula；　〃by
order　of　the　board　of　perforation　and　public　depravity。　This　is　a
business　meeting；　and　we're　anxious　to　adjourn　/sine　qua　non/。〃

We　drove　Colonel　Rockingham　over　the　mountain　and　up　the　side　of　it　as
far　as　the　buggy　could　go。　Then　we　tied　the　horse；　and　took　our
prisoner　on　foot　up　to　the　camp。

〃Now；　colonel；〃　I　says　to　him；　〃we're　after　the　ransom；　me　and　my
partner；　and　no　harm　will　come　to　you　if　the　King　of　Morif　your
friends　send　up　the　dust。　In　the　mean　time　we　are　gentlemen　the　same
as　you。　And　if　you　give　us　your　word　not　to　try　to　escape；　the　freedom
of　the　camp　is　yours。〃

〃I　give　you　my　word；〃　says　the　colonel。

〃All　right；〃　says　I；　〃and　now　it's　eleven　o'clock；　and　me　and　Mr。　Polk
will　proceed　to　inculcate　the　occasion　with　a　few　well…timed
trivialities　in　the　way　of　grub。〃

〃Thank　you；〃　says　the　colonel；　〃I　believe　I　could　relish　a　slice　of
bacon　and　a　plate　of　hominy。〃

〃But　you　won't；〃　says　I　emphatic。　〃Not　in　this　camp。　We　soar　in　higher
regions　than　them　occupied　by　your　celebrated　but　repulsive　dish。〃

While　the　colonel　read　his　paper；　me　and　Caligula　took　off　our　coats
and　went　in　for　a　little　luncheon　/de　luxe/　just　to　show　him。　Caligula
was　a