the gentle grafter-第22节

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〃On　you？〃　says　Buck；　winking　solemn。　〃Don't　you　go　and　try　to　make　'em
believe　at　the　office　you　said　that。　Thanks。　We　can't　spare　the　time；
I　reckon。　So　long。〃

And　me　and　Buck　slides　out　the　door；　and　that's　the　way　the　Golconda
Company　went　into　involuntary　liquefaction。

If　you　had　seen　me　and　Buck　the　next　night　you'd　have　had　to　go　to　a
little　bum　hotel　over　near　the　West　Side　ferry　landings。　We　was　in　a
little　back　room；　and　I　was　filling　up　a　gross　of　six…ounce　bottles
with　hydrant　water　colored　red　with　aniline　and　flavored　with
cinnamon。　Buck　was　smoking；　contented；　and　he　wore　a　decent　brown
derby　in　place　of　his　silk　hat。

〃It's　a　good　thing；　Pick；〃　says　he；　as　he　drove　in　the　corks；　〃that　we
got　Brady　to　lend　us　his　horse　and　wagon　for　a　week。　We'll　rustle　up
the　stake　by　then。　This　hair　tonic'll　sell　right　along　over　in　Jersey。
Bald　heads　ain't　popular　over　there　on　account　of　the　mosquitoes。〃

Directly　I　dragged　out　my　valise　and　went　down　in　it　for　labels。

〃Hair　tonic　labels　are　out；〃　says　I。　〃Only　about　a　dozen　on　hand。〃

〃Buy　some　more；〃　says　Buck。

We　investigated　our　pockets　and　found　we　had　just　enough　money　to
settle　our　hotel　bill　in　the　morning　and　pay　our　passage　over　the
ferry。

〃Plenty　of　the　'Shake…the…Shakes　Chill　Cure'　labels；〃　says　I；　after
looking。

〃What　more　do　you　want？〃　says　Buck。　〃Slap　'em　on。　The　chill　season　is
just　opening　up　in　the　Hackensack　low　grounds。　What's　hair；　anyway；　if
you　have　to　shake　it　off？〃

We　posted　on　the　Chill　Cure　labels　about　half　an　hour　and　Buck　says：

〃Making　an　honest　livin's　better　than　that　Wall　Street；　anyhow；　ain't
it；　Pick？〃

〃You　bet；〃　says　I。



XIII

HOSTAGES　TO　MOMUS


I

I　never　got　inside　of　the　legitimate　line　of　graft　but　once。　But；　one
time；　as　I　say；　I　reversed　the　decision　of　the　revised　statutes　and
undertook　a　thing　that　I'd　have　to　apologize　for　even　under　the　New
Jersey　trust　laws。

Me　and　Caligula　Polk；　of　Muskogee　in　the　Creek　Nation；　was　down　in　the
Mexican　State　of　Tamaulipas　running　a　peripatetic　lottery　and　monte
game。　Now；　selling　lottery　tickets　is　a　government　graft　in　Mexico；
just　like　selling　forty…eight　cents'　worth　of　postage…stamps　for
forty…nine　cents　is　over　here。　So　Uncle　Porfirio　he　instructs　the
/rurales/　to　attend　to　our　case。

/Rurales/？　They're　a　sort　of　country　police；　but　don't　draw　any　mental
crayon　portraits　of　the　worthy　constables　with　a　tin　star　and　a　gray
goatee。　The　/rurales/well；　if　we'd　mount　our　Supreme　Court　on
broncos；　arm　'em　with　Winchesters；　and　start　'em　out　after　John　Doe
/et　al/。；　we'd　have　about　the　same　thing。

When　the　/rurales/　started　for　us　we　started　for　the　States。　They
chased　us　as　far　as　Matamoras。　We　hid　in　a　brickyard；　and　that　night
we　swum　the　Rio　Grande；　Caligula　with　a　brick　in　each　hand；　absent…
minded；　which　he　drops　upon　the　soil　of　Texas；　forgetting　he　had　'em。

From　there　we　emigrated　to　San　Antone；　and　then　over　to　New　Orleans；
where　we　took　a　rest。　And　in　that　town　of　cotton　bales　and　other
adjuncts　to　female　beauty　we　made　the　acquaintance　of　drinks　invented
by　the　Creoles　during　the　period　of　Louey　Cans；　in　which　they　are
still　served　at　the　side　doors。　The　most　I　can　remember　of　this　town
is　that　me　and　Caligula　and　a　Frenchman　named　McCartywait　a　minute；
Adolph　McCartywas　trying　to　make　the　French　Quarter　pay　up　the　back
trading…stamps　due　on　the　Louisiana　Purchase；　when　somebody　hollers
that　the　johndarms　are　coming。　I　have　an　insufficient　recollection　of
buying　two　yellow　tickets　through　a　window；　and　I　seemed　to　see　a　man
swing　a　lantern　and　say　〃All　aboard！〃　I　remembered　no　more；　except
that　the　train　butcher　was　covering　me　and　Caligula　up　with　Augusta　J。
Evans's　works　and　figs。

When　we　become　revised；　we　find　that　we　have　collided　up　against　the
State　of　Georgia　at　a　spot　hitherto　unaccounted　for　in　time　tables
except　by　an　asterisk；　which　means　that　trains　stop　every　other
Thursday　on　signal　by　tearing　up　a　rail。　We　was　waked　up　in　a　yellow
pine　hotel　by　the　noise　of　flowers　and　the　smell　of　birds。　Yes；　sir；
for　the　wind　was　banging　sunflowers　as　big　as　buggy　wheels　against　the
weatherboarding　and　the　chicken　coop　was　right　under　the　window。　Me
and　Caligula　dressed　and　went　down…stairs。　The　landlord　was　shelling
peas　on　the　front　porch。　He　was　six　feet　of　chills　and　fever；　and
Hongkong　in　complexion　though　in　other　respects　he　seemed　amenable　in
the　exercise　of　his　sentiments　and　features。

Caligula；　who　is　a　spokesman　by　birth；　and　a　small　man；　though　red…
haired　and　impatient　of　painfulness　of　any　kind；　speaks　up。

〃Pardner；〃　says　he；　〃good…morning；　and　be　darned　to　you。　Would　you
mind　telling　us　why　we　are　at？　We　know　the　reason　we　are　where；　but
can't　exactly　figure　out　on　account　of　at　what　place。〃

〃Well；　gentlemen；〃　says　the　landlord；　〃I　reckoned　you…all　would　be
inquiring　this　morning。　You…all　dropped　off　of　the　nine…thirty　train
here　last　night；　and　you　was　right　tight。　Yes；　you　was　right　smart　in
liquor。　I　can　inform　you　that　you　are　now　in　the　town　of　Mountain
Valley；　in　the　State　of　Georgia。〃

〃On　top　of　that；〃　says　Caligula；　〃don't　say　that　we　can't　have
anything　to　eat。〃

〃Sit　down；　gentlemen；〃　says　the　landlord；　〃and　in　twenty　minutes　I'll
call　you　to　the　best　breakfast　you　can　get　anywhere　in　town。〃

That　breakfast　turned　out　to　be　composed　of　fried　bacon　and　a
yellowish　edifice　that　proved　up　something　between　pound　cake　and
flexible　sandstone。　The　landlord　calls　it　corn　pone；　and　then　he　sets
out　a　dish　of　the　exaggerated　breakfast　food　known　as　hominy；　and　so
me　and　Caligula　makes　the　acquaintance　of　the　celebrated　food　that
enabled　every　Johnny　Reb　to　lick　one　and　two…thirds　Yankees　for　nearly
four　years　at　a　stretch。

〃The　wonder　to　me　is；〃　says　Caligula；　〃that　Uncle　Robert　Lee's　boys
didn't　chase　the　Grant　and　Sherman　outfit　clear　up　into　Hudson's　Bay。
It　would　have　made　me　that　mad　to　eat　this　truck　they　call　mahogany！〃

〃Hog　and　hominy；〃　I　explains；　〃is　the　staple　food　of　this　section。〃

〃Then；〃　says　Caligula；　〃they　ought　to　keep　it　where　it　belongs。　I
thought　this　was　a　hotel　and　not　a　stable。　Now；　if　we　was　in　Muskogee
at　the　St。　Lucifer　House；　I'd　show　you　some　breakfast　grub。　Antelope
steaks　and　fried　liver　to　begin　on；　and　venison　cutlets　with　/chili
con　carne/　and　pineapple　fritters；　and　then　some　sardines　and　mixed
pickles；　and　top　it　off　with　a　can　of　yellow　clings　and　a　bottle　of
beer。　You　won't　find　a　layout　like　that　on　the　bill　of　affairs　of　any
of　your　Eastern　restauraws。〃

〃Too　lavish；〃　says　I。　〃I've　traveled；　and　I'm　unprejudiced。　There'll
never　be　a　perfect　breakfast　eaten　until　some　man　grows　arms　long
enough　to　stretch　down　to　New　Orleans　for　his　coffee　and　over　to
Norfolk　for　his　rolls；　and　reaches　up　to　Vermont　and　digs　a　slice　of
butter　out　of　a　spring…house；　and　then　turns　over　a　beehive　close　to　a
white　clover　patch　out　in　Indiana　for　the　rest。　Then　he'd　come　pretty
close　to　making　a　meal　on　the　amber　that　the　gods　eat　on　Mount
Olympia。〃

〃Too　ephemeral；〃　says　Caligula。　〃I'd　want　ham　and　eggs；　or　rabbit
stew；　anyhow；　for　a　chaser。　What　do　you　consider　the　most　edifying　and
casual　in　the　way　of　a　dinner？〃

〃I've　been　infatuated　from　time　to　time；〃　I　answers；　〃with　fancy
ramifications　of　grub　such　as　terrapins；　lobsters；　reed　birds；
jambolaya；　and　canvas…covered　ducks；　but　after　all　there's　nothing
less　displeasing　to　me　than　a　beefsteak　smothered　in　mushrooms　on　a
balcony　in　sound　of　the　Broadway　streetcards；　with　a　hand…organ
playing　down　below；　and　the　boys　hollering　extras　about　the　latest
suicide。　For　the　wine；　give　me　a　reasonable　Ponty　Cany。　And　that's
all；　except　a　/demi…tasse/。〃

〃Well；〃　says　Caligula；　〃I　reckon　in　New　York　you　get　to　be　a
conniseer；　and　when　you　go　around　with　the　/demi…tasse/　you　are
naturally　bound　to　buy　'em　stylish　grub。〃

〃It's　a　great　town　for　epicures；〃　says　I。　〃You'd　soon　fall　into　their
ways　if　you　was　there。〃

〃I've　heard　it　was；〃　says　Caligula。　〃But　I　reckon　I　wouldn't。　I　can
polish　my　fingernails　all　they　need　myself。〃


II

After　breakfast　we　went　out　on　the　front　porch；　lighted　up　two　of　the
landlord's　/flor　de　upas/　perfectos；　and　took　a　look　at　Georgia。

The　installment　of　scenery　visible　to　the　eye　looked　mighty　poor。　As
far　as　we　could　see　was　red　hills　all　washed　down　with　gullies　and
scattered　over　with　patches　of　piny　woods。　Blackberry　bushes　was　all
that　kept　the　rail　fences　from　falling　down。　About　fifteen　miles　over
to　the　north　was　a　little　range　of　well…timbered　mountains。

That　town　of　Mountain　Valley　wasn't　going。　About　a　dozen　people
permeated　along　the　sidewalks；　but　what　you　saw　mostly　was　rain…
barrels　and　roosters；　and　boys　poking　around　with　sticks　in　piles　of
ashes　made　by　burning　the　scenery　of　Uncle　Tom　shows。

And　just　then　there　passes　down　on　the　other　side　of　the　street　a　high
man　in　a　long　black　coat　and　a　beaver　hat。　All　the　people　in　sight
bowed；　and　some　crossed　the　street　to　shake　hands　with　him；　folks　came
out　of　stores　and　houses　to　holler　at　him；　women　leaned　out　of　windows
and　smiled；　and　all　the　kids　stopped　playing　to　look　at　him。　Our
landlord　stepped　out　on　th