the gentle grafter-第2节

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monopolists；　but　don't　overdo　the　wassail。　You　know　our　most　eminent
and　loathed　multi…corruptionists　live　on　weak　tea　and　dog　biscuits。'

〃Andy　went　in　the　back　room　awhile　and　came　out　dressed　in　his　best
clothes。　There　was　a　kind　of　murderous　and　soulful　look　of　gentle
riotousness　in　his　eye　that　I　didn't　like。　I　watched　him　to　see　what
turn　the　whiskey　was　going　to　take　in　him。　There　are　two　times　when
you　never　can　tell　what　is　going　to　happen。　One　is　when　a　man　takes
his　first　drink；　and　the　other　is　when　a　woman　takes　her　latest。

〃In　less　than　an　hour　Andy's　skate　had　turned　to　an　ice　yacht。　He　was
outwardly　decent　and　managed　to　preserve　his　aquarium；　but　inside　he
was　impromptu　and　full　of　unexpectedness。

〃'Jeff；'　says　he；　'do　you　know　that　I'm　a　cratera　living　crater？'

〃'That's　a　self…evident　hypothesis；'　says　I。　'But　you're　not　Irish。
Why　don't　you　say　'creature；'　according　to　the　rules　and　syntax　of
America？'

〃'I'm　the　crater　of　a　volcano；'　says　he。　'I'm　all　aflame　and　crammed
inside　with　an　assortment　of　words　and　phrases　that　have　got　to　have
an　exodus。　I　can　feel　millions　of　synonyms　and　parts　of　speech　rising
in　me；'　says　he；　'and　I've　got　to　make　a　speech　of　some　sort。　Drink；'
says　Andy；　'always　drives　me　to　oratory。'

〃'It　could　do　no　worse；'　says　I。

〃'From　my　earliest　recollections；'　says　he；　'alcohol　seemed　to
stimulate　my　sense　of　recitation　and　rhetoric。　Why；　in　Bryan's　second
campaign；'　says　Andy；　'they　used　to　give　me　three　gin　rickeys　and　I'd
speak　two　hours　longer　than　Billy　himself　could　on　the　silver
question。　Finally；　they　persuaded　me　to　take　the　gold　cure。'

〃'If　you've　got　to　get　rid　of　your　excess　verbiage；'　says　I；　'why　not
go　out　on　the　river　bank　and　speak　a　piece？　It　seems　to　me　there　was
an　old　spell…binder　named　Cantharides　that　used　to　go　and
disincorporate　himself　of　his　windy　numbers　along　the　seashore。'

〃'No；'　says　Andy；　'I　must　have　an　audience。　I　feel　like　if　I　once
turned　loose　people　would　begin　to　call　Senator　Beveridge　the　Grand
Young　Sphinx　of　the　Wabash。　I've　got　to　get　an　audience　together；
Jeff；　and　get　this　oral　distension　assuaged　or　it　may　turn　in　on　me
and　I'd　go　about　feeling　like　a　deckle…edge　edition　de　luxe　of　Mrs。　E。
D。　E。　N。　Southworth。'

〃'On　what　special　subject　of　the　theorems　and　topics　does　your　desire
for　vocality　seem　to　be　connected　with？'　I　asks。

〃'I　ain't　particular；'　says　Andy。　'I　am　equally　good　and　varicose　on
all　subjects。　I　can　take　up　the　matter　of　Russian　immigration；　or　the
poetry　of　John　W。　Keats；　or　the　tariff；　or　Kabyle　literature；　or
drainage；　and　make　my　audience　weep；　cry；　sob　and　shed　tears　by
turns。'

〃'Well；　Andy；'　says　I；　'if　you　are　bound　to　get　rid　of　this
accumulation　of　vernacular　suppose　you　go　out　in　town　and　work　it　on
some　indulgent　citizen。　Me　and　the　boys　will　take　care　of　the
business。　Everybody　will　be　through　dinner　pretty　soon；　and　salt　pork
and　beans　makes　a　man　pretty　thirsty。　We　ought　to　take　in　1；500　more
by　midnight。'

〃So　Andy　goes　out　of　the　Blue　Snake；　and　I　see　him　stopping　men　on　the
street　and　talking　to　'em。　By　and　by　he　has　half　a　dozen　in　a　bunch
listening　to　him；　and　pretty　soon　I　see　him　waving　his　arms　and
elocuting　at　a　good…sized　crowd　on　a　corner。　When　he　walks　away　they
string　out　after　him；　talking　all　the　time；　and　he　leads　'em　down　the
main　street　of　Bird　City　with　more　men　joining　the　procession　as　they
go。　It　reminded　me　of　the　old　legerdemain　that　I'd　read　in　books　about
the　Pied　Piper　of　Heidsieck　charming　the　children　away　from　the　town。

〃One　o'clock　came；　and　then　two；　and　three　got　under　the　wire　for
place；　and　not　a　Bird　citizen　came　in　for　a　drink。　The　streets　were
deserted　except　for　some　ducks　and　ladies　going　to　the　stores。　There
was　only　a　light　drizzle　falling　then。

〃A　lonesome　man　came　along　and　stopped　in　front　of　the　Blue　Snake　to
scrape　the　mud　off　his　boots。

〃'Pardner；'　says　I；　'what　has　happened？　This　morning　there　was　hectic
gaiety　afoot；　and　now　it　seems　more　like　one　of　them　ruined　cities　of
Tyre　and　Siphon　where　the　lone　lizard　crawls　on　the　walls　of　the　main
port…cullis。'

〃'The　whole　town；'　says　the　muddy　man；　'is　up　in　Sperry's　wool
warehouse　listening　to　your　side…kicker　make　a　speech。　He　is　some
gravy　on　delivering　himself　of　audible　sounds　relating　to　matters　and
conclusions；'　says　the　man。

〃'Well；　I　hope　he'll　adjourn；　sine　qua　non；　pretty　soon；'　says　I；　'for
trade　languishes。'

〃Not　a　customer　did　we　have　that　afternoon。　At　six　o'clock　two
Mexicans　brought　Andy　to　the　saloon　lying　across　the　back　of　a　burro。
We　put　him　in　bed　while　he　still　muttered　and　gesticulated　with　his
hands　and　feet。

〃Then　I　locked　up　the　cash　and　went　out　to　see　what　had　happened。　I
met　a　man　who　told　me　all　about　it。　Andy　had　made　the　finest　two　hour
speech　that　had　ever　been　heard　in　Texas；　he　said；　or　anywhere　else　in
the　world。

〃'What　was　it　about？'　I　asked。

〃'Temperance；'　says　he。　'And　when　he　got　through；　every　man　in　Bird
City　signed　the　pledge　for　a　year。'〃



II

JEFF　PETERS　AS　A　PERSONAL　MAGNET

Jeff　Peters　has　been　engaged　in　as　many　schemes　for　making　money　as
there　are　recipes　for　cooking　rice　in　Charleston；　S。C。

Best　of　all　I　like　to　hear　him　tell　of　his　earlier　days　when　he　sold
liniments　and　cough　cures　on　street　corners；　living　hand　to　mouth；
heart　to　heart　with　the　people；　throwing　heads　or　tails　with　fortune
for　his　last　coin。

〃I　struck　Fisher　Hill；　Arkansaw；〃　said　he；　〃in　a　buckskin　suit；
moccasins；　long　hair　and　a　thirty…carat　diamond　ring　that　I　got　from
an　actor　in　Texarkana。　I　don't　know　what　he　ever　did　with　the　pocket
knife　I　swapped　him　for　it。

〃I　was　Dr。　Waugh…hoo；　the　celebrated　Indian　medicine　man。　I　carried
only　one　best　bet　just　then；　and　that　was　Resurrection　Bitters。　It　was
made　of　life…giving　plants　and　herbs　accidentally　discovered　by　Ta…
qua…la；　the　beautiful　wife　of　the　chief　of　the　Choctaw　Nation；　while
gathering　truck　to　garnish　a　platter　of　boiled　dog　for　the　annual　corn
dance。

〃Business　hadn't　been　good　in　the　last　town；　so　I　only　had　five
dollars。　I　went　to　the　Fisher　Hill　druggist　and　he　credited　me　for
half　a　gross　of　eight…ounce　bottles　and　corks。　I　had　the　labels　and
ingredients　in　my　valise；　left　over　from　the　last　town。　Life　began　to
look　rosy　again　after　I　got　in　my　hotel　room　with　the　water　running
from　the　tap；　and　the　Resurrection　Bitters　lining　up　on　the　table　by
the　dozen。

〃Fake？　No；　sir。　There　was　two　dollars'　worth　of　fluid　extract　of
cinchona　and　a　dime's　worth　of　aniline　in　that　half…gross　of　bitters。
I've　gone　through　towns　years　afterwards　and　had　folks　ask　for　'em
again。

〃I　hired　a　wagon　that　night　and　commenced　selling　the　bitters　on　Main
Street。　Fisher　Hill　was　a　low；　malarial　town；　and　a　compound
hypothetical　pneumocardiac　anti…scorbutic　tonic　was　just　what　I
diagnosed　the　crowd　as　needing。　The　bitters　started　off　like
sweetbreads…on…toast　at　a　vegetarian　dinner。　I　had　sold　two　dozen　at
fifty　cents　apiece　when　I　felt　somebody　pull　my　coat　tail。　I　knew　what
that　meant；　so　I　climbed　down　and　sneaked　a　five　dollar　bill　into　the
hand　of　a　man　with　a　German　silver　star　on　his　lapel。

〃'Constable；'　says　I；　'it's　a　fine　night。'

〃'Have　you　got　a　city　license；'　he　asks；　'to　sell　this　illegitimate
essence　of　spooju　that　you　flatter　by　the　name　of　medicine？'

〃'I　have　not；'　says　I。　'I　didn't　know　you　had　a　city。　If　I　can　find　it
to…morrow　I'll　take　one　out　if　it's　necessary。'

〃'I'll　have　to　close　you　up　till　you　do；'　says　the　constable。

〃I　quit　selling　and　went　back　to　the　hotel。　I　was　talking　to　the
landlord　about　it。

〃'Oh；　you　won't　stand　no　show　in　Fisher　Hill；'　says　he。　'Dr。　Hoskins；
the　only　doctor　here；　is　a　brother…in…law　of　the　Mayor；　and　they　won't
allow　no　fake　doctor　to　practice　in　town。'

〃'I　don't　practice　medicine；'　says　I；　'I've　got　a　State　peddler's
license；　and　I　take　out　a　city　one　wherever　they　demand　it。'

〃I　went　to　the　Mayor's　office　the　next　morning　and　they　told　me　he
hadn't　showed　up　yet。　They　didn't　know　when　he'd　be　down。　So　Doc
Waugh…hoo　hunches　down　again　in　a　hotel　chair　and　lights　a　jimpson…
weed　regalia；　and　waits。

〃By　and　by　a　young　man　in　a　blue　necktie　slips　into　the　chair　next　to
me　and　asks　the　time。

〃'Half…past　ten；'　says　I；　'and　you　are　Andy　Tucker。　I've　seen　you
work。　Wasn't　it　you　that　put　up　the　Great　Cupid　Combination　package　on
the　Southern　States？　Let's　see；　it　was　a　Chilian　diamond　engagement
ring；　a　wedding　ring；　a　potato　masher；　a　bottle　of　soothing　syrup　and
Dorothy　Vernonall　for　fifty　cents。'

〃Andy　was　pleased　to　hear　that　I　remembered　him。　He　was　a　good　street
man；　and　he　was　more　than　thathe　respected　his　profession；　and　he
was　satisfied　with　300　per　cent。　profit。　He　had　plenty　of　offers　to　go
into　the　illegitimate　drug　and　garden　seed　business；　but　he　was　never
to　be　tempted　off　of　the　straight　path。

〃I　wanted　a　partner；　so　Andy　and　me　agreed　to　go　out　together。　I　told
him　about　the　situation　in　Fisher　Hill　and　how　finances　was　low　on
account　of　the　local　mixture　of　politics　and　jalap。　Andy　had　just　got
in　on　the　train　that　morning。　He　was　pretty　low　himself；　and　was　going
to　c