the gentle grafter-第12节

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〃'Why；　I'll　tell　you　what　I　say；'　says　I。　'I　say　let's　settle　this
thing　right　here　now。　I　don't　see　any　use　of　wasting　any　more　time。'　I
took　a　nickel…plated　。38　out　of　my　pocket　and　clicked　the　cylinder
around　a　few　times。

〃'You　undevout；　sinful；　insidious　hog；'　says　I　to　Murkison；　'get　out
that　two　thousand　and　lay　it　on　the　table。　Obey　with　velocity；'　says
I；　'for　otherwise　alternatives　are　impending。　I　am　preferably　a　man　of
mildness；　but　now　and　then　I　find　myself　in　the　middle　of　extremities。
Such　men　as　you；'　I　went　on　after　he　had　laid　the　money　out；　'is　what
keeps　the　jails　and　court　houses　going。　You　come　up　here　to　rob　these
men　of　their　money。　Does　it　excuse　you？'　I　asks；　'that　they　were
trying　to　skin　you？　No；　sir；　you　was　going　to　rob　Peter　to　stand　off
Paul。　You　are　ten　times　worse；'　says　I；　'than　that　green　goods　man。
You　go　to　church　at　home　and　pretend　to　be　a　decent　citizen；　but
you'll　come　to　Chicago　and　commit　larceny　from　men　that　have　built　up
a　sound　and　profitable　business　by　dealing　with　such　contemptible
scoundrels　as　you　have　tried　to　be　to…day。　How　do　you　know；'　says　I；
'that　that　green　goods　man　hasn't　a　large　family　dependent　upon　his
extortions？　It's　you　supposedly　respectable　citizens　who　are　always　on
the　lookout　to　get　something　for　nothing；'　says　I；　'that　support　the
lotteries　and　wild…cat　mines　and　stock　exchanges　and　wire　tappers　of
this　country。　If　it　wasn't　for　you　they'd　go　out　of　business。　The
green　goods　man　you　was　going　to　rob；'　says　I；　'studied　maybe　for
years　to　learn　his　trade。　Every　turn　he　makes　he　risks　his　money　and
liberty　and　maybe　his　life。　You　come　up　here　all　sanctified　and
vanoplied　with　respectability　and　a　pleasing　post　office　address　to
swindle　him。　If　he　gets　the　money　you　can　squeal　to　the　police。　If　you
get　it　he　hocks　the　gray　suit　to　buy　supper　and　says　nothing。　Mr。
Tucker　and　me　sized　you　up；'　says　I；　'and　came　along　to　see　that　you
got　what　you　deserved。　Hand　over　the　money；'　says　I；　'you　grass　fed
hypocrite。'

〃I　put　the　two　thousand；　which　was　all　in　20　bills；　in　my　inside
pocket。

〃'Now　get　out　your　watch；'　says　I　to　Murkison。　'No；　I　don't　want　it；'
says　I。　'Lay　it　on　the　table　and　you　sit　in　that　chair　till　it　ticks
off　an　hour。　Then　you　can　go。　If　you　make　any　noise　or　leave　any
sooner　we'll　handbill　you　all　over　Grassdale。　I　guess　your　high
position　there　is　worth　more　than　2；000　to　you。'

〃Then　me　and　Andy　left。

〃On　the　train　Andy　was　a　long　time　silent。　Then　he　says：　'Jeff；　do　you
mind　my　asking　you　a　question？'

〃'Two；'　says　I；　'or　forty。'

〃'Was　that　the　idea　you　had；'　says　he；　'when　we　started　out　with
Murkison？'

〃'Why；　certainly；'　says　I。　'What　else　could　it　have　been？　Wasn't　it
yours；　too？'

〃In　about　half　an　hour　Andy　spoke　again。　I　think　there　are　times　when
Andy　don't　exactly　understand　my　system　of　ethics　and　moral　hygiene。

〃'Jeff；'　says　he；　'some　time　when　you　have　the　leisure　I　wish　you'd
draw　off　a　diagram　and　foot…notes　of　that　conscience　of　yours。　I'd
like　to　have　it　to　refer　to　occasionally。'〃



IX

INNOCENTS　OF　BROADWAY

〃I　hope　some　day　to　retire　from　business；〃　said　Jeff　Peters；　〃and　when
I　do　I　don't　want　anybody　to　be　able　to　say　that　I　ever　got　a　dollar
of　any　man's　money　without　giving　him　a　quid　pro　rata　for　it。　I've
always　managed　to　leave　a　customer　some　little　gewgaw　to　paste　in　his
scrapbook　or　stick　between　his　Seth　Thomas　clock　and　the　wall　after　we
are　through　trading。

〃There　was　one　time　I　came　near　having　to　break　this　rule　of　mine　and
do　a　profligate　and　illaudable　action；　but　I　was　saved　from　it　by　the
laws　and　statutes　of　our　great　and　profitable　country。

〃One　summer　me　and　Andy　Tucker；　my　partner；　went　to　New　York　to　lay　in
our　annual　assortment　of　clothes　and　gents'　furnishings。　We　was　always
pompous　and　regardless　dressers；　finding　that　looks　went　further　than
anything　else　in　our　business；　except　maybe　our　knowledge　of　railroad
schedules　and　an　autograph　photo　of　the　President　that　Loeb　sent　us；
probably　by　mistake。　Andy　wrote　a　nature　letter　once　and　sent　it　in
about　animals　that　he　had　seen　caught　in　a　trap　lots　of　times。　Loeb
must　have　read　it　'triplets；'　instead　of　'trap　lots；'　and　sent　the
photo。　Anyhow；　it　was　useful　to　us　to　show　people　as　a　guarantee　of
good　faith。

〃Me　and　Andy　never　cared　much　to　do　business　in　New　York。　It　was　too
much　like　pothunting。　Catching　suckers　in　that　town；　is　like
dynamiting　a　Texas　lake　for　bass。　All　you　have　to　do　anywhere　between
the　North　and　East　rivers　is　to　stand　in　the　street　with　an　open　bag
marked；　'Drop　packages　of　money　here。　No　checks　or　loose　bills　taken。'
You　have　a　cop　handy　to　club　pikers　who　try　to　chip　in　post　office
orders　and　Canadian　money；　and　that's　all　there　is　to　New　York　for　a
hunter　who　loves　his　profession。　So　me　and　Andy　used　to　just　nature
fake　the　town。　We'd　get　out　our　spyglasses　and　watch　the　woodcocks
along　the　Broadway　swamps　putting　plaster　casts　on　their　broken　legs；
and　then　we'd　sneak　away　without　firing　a　shot。

〃One　day　in　the　papier　mache　palm　room　of　a　chloral　hydrate　and　hops
agency　in　a　side　street　about　eight　inches　off　Broadway　me　and　Andy
had　thrust　upon　us　the　acquaintance　of　a　New　Yorker。　We　had　beer
together　until　we　discovered　that　each　of　us　knew　a　man　named
Hellsmith；　traveling　for　a　stove　factory　in　Duluth。　This　caused　us　to
remark　that　the　world　was　a　very　small　place；　and　then　this　New　Yorker
busts　his　string　and　takes　off　his　tin　foil　and　excelsior　packing　and
starts　in　giving　us　his　Ellen　Terris；　beginning　with　the　time　he　used
to　sell　shoelaces　to　the　Indians　on　the　spot　where　Tammany　Hall　now
stands。

〃This　New　Yorker　had　made　his　money　keeping　a　cigar　store　in　Beekman
street；　and　he　hadn't　been　above　Fourteenth　street　in　ten　years。
Moreover；　he　had　whiskers；　and　the　time　had　gone　by　when　a　true　sport
will　do　anything　to　a　man　with　whiskers。　No　grafter　except　a　boy　who
is　soliciting　subscribers　to　an　illustrated　weekly　to　win　the　prize
air　rifle；　or　a　widow；　would　have　the　heart　to　tamper　with　the　man
behind　with　the　razor。　He　was　a　typical　city　ReubI'd　bet　the　man
hadn't　been　out　of　sight　of　a　skyscraper　in　twenty…five　years。

〃Well；　presently　this　metropolitan　backwoodsman　pulls　out　a　roll　of
bills　with　an　old　blue　sleeve　elastic　fitting　tight　around　it　and
opens　it　up。

〃'There's　5；000；　Mr。　Peters；'　says　he；　shoving　it　over　the　table　to
me；　'saved　during　my　fifteen　years　of　business。　Put　that　in　your
pocket　and　keep　it　for　me；　Mr。　Peters。　I'm　glad　to　meet　you　gentlemen
from　the　West；　and　I　may　take　a　drop　too　much。　I　want　you　to　take　care
of　my　money　for　me。　Now；　let's　have　another　beer。'

〃'You'd　better　keep　this　yourself；'　says　I。　'We　are　strangers　to　you；
and　you　can't　trust　everybody　you　meet。　Put　your　roll　back　in　your
pocket；'　says　I。　'And　you'd　better　run　along　home　before　some　farm…
hand　from　the　Kaw　River　bottoms　strolls　in　here　and　sells　you　a　copper
mine。'

〃'Oh；　I　don't　know；'　says　Whiskers。　'I　guess　Little　Old　New　York　can
take　care　of　herself。　I　guess　I　know　a　man　that's　on　the　square　when　I
see　him。　I've　always　found　the　Western　people　all　right。　I　ask　you　as
a　favor；　Mr。　Peters；'　says　he；　'to　keep　that　roll　in　your　pocket　for
me。　I　know　a　gentleman　when　I　see　him。　And　now　let's　have　some　more
beer。'

〃In　about　ten　minutes　this　fall　of　manna　leans　back　in　his　chair　and
snores。　Andy　looks　at　me　and　says：　'I　reckon　I'd　better　stay　with　him
for　five　minutes　or　so；　in　case　the　waiter　comes　in。'

〃I　went　out　the　side　door　and　walked　half　a　block　up　the　street。　And
then　I　came　back　and　sat　down　at　the　table。

〃'Andy；'　says　I；　'I　can't　do　it。　It's　too　much　like　swearing　off
taxes。　I　can't　go　off　with　this　man's　money　without　doing　something　to
earn　it　like　taking　advantage　of　the　Bankrupt　act　or　leaving　a　bottle
of　eczema　lotion　in　his　pocket　to　make　it　look　more　like　a　square
deal。'

〃'Well；'　says　Andy；　'it　does　seem　kind　of　hard　on　one's　professional
pride　to　lope　off　with　a　bearded　pard's　competency；　especially　after
he　has　nominated　you　custodian　of　his　bundle　in　the　sappy　insouciance
of　his　urban　indiscrimination。　Suppose　we　wake　him　up　and　see　if　we
can　formulate　some　commercial　sophistry　by　which　he　will　be　enabled　to
give　us　both　his　money　and　a　good　excuse。'

〃We　wakes　up　Whiskers。　He　stretches　himself　and　yawns　out　the
hypothesis　that　he　must　have　dropped　off　for　a　minute。　And　then　he
says　he　wouldn't　mind　sitting　in　at　a　little　gentleman's　game　of
poker。　He　used　to　play　some　when　he　attended　high　school　in　Brooklyn；
and　as　he　was　out　for　a　good　time；　whyand　so　forth。

〃Andy　brights　up　a　little　at　that；　for　it　looks　like　it　might　be　a
solution　to　our　financial　troubles。　So　we　all　three　go　to　our　hotel
further　down　Broadway　and　have　the　cards　and　chips　brought　up　to
Andy's　room。　I　tried　once　more　to　make　this　Babe　in　the　Horticultural
Gardens　take　his　five　thousand。　But　no。

〃'Keep　that　little　roll　for　me；　Mr。　Peters；'　says　he；　'and　oblige。
I'll　ask　you　fer　it　when　I　want　it。　I　guess　I　know　when　I'm　among
friends。　A　man　that's　done　business　on　Beekman　street　for　twenty
years；　right　in　the　heart　of　the　wisest　old　village