the gentle grafter-第10节

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plumbing　and　tennis；　and　all　within　two　hours'　ride。

〃So　me　and　Andy　dumps　the　books　out　the　back　window　and　packs　our
trunk　and　takes　the　6　o'clock　Tortoise　Flyer　for　Crow　Knob；　a　kind　of
a　dernier　resort　in　the　mountains　on　the　line　of　Tennessee　and　North
Carolina。

〃We　was　directed　to　a　kind　of　private　hotel　called　Woodchuck　Inn；　and
thither　me　and　Andy　bent　and　almost　broke　our　footsteps　over　the　rocks
and　stumps。　The　Inn　set　back　from　the　road　in　a　big　grove　of　trees；
and　it　looked　fine　with　its　broad　porches　and　a　lot　of　women　in　white
dresses　rocking　in　the　shade。　The　rest　of　Crow　Knob　was　a　post　office
and　some　scenery　set　an　angle　of　forty…five　degrees　and　a　welkin。

〃Well；　sir；　when　we　got　to　the　gate　who　do　you　suppose　comes　down　the
walk　to　greet　us？　Old　Smoke…'em…out　Smithers；　who　used　to　be　the　best
open　air　painless　dentist　and　electric　liver　pad　faker　in　the
Southwest。

〃Old　Smoke…'em…out　is　dressed　clerico…rural；　and　has　the　mingled　air
of　a　landlord　and　a　claim　jumper。　Which　aspect　he　corroborates　by
telling　us　that　he　is　the　host　and　perpetrator　of　Woodchuck　Inn。　I
introduces　Andy；　and　we　talk　about　a　few　volatile　topics；　such　as　will
go　around　at　meetings　of　boards　of　directors　and　old　associates　like
us　three　were。　Old　Smoke…'em…out　leads　us　into　a　kind　of　summer　house
in　the　yard　near　the　gate　and　took　up　the　harp　of　life　and　smote　on
all　the　chords　with　his　mighty　right。

〃'Gents；'　says　he；　'I'm　glad　to　see　you。　Maybe　you　can　help　me　out　of
a　scrape。　I'm　getting　a　bit　old　for　street　work；　so　I　leased　this
dogdays　emporium　so　the　good　things　would　come　to　me。　Two　weeks　before
the　season　opened　I　gets　a　letter　signed　Lieut。　Peary　and　one　from　the
Duke　of　Marlborough；　each　wanting　to　engage　board　for　part　of　the
summer。

〃'Well；　sir；　you　gents　know　what　a　big　thing　for　an　obscure　hustlery
it　would　be　to　have　for　guests　two　gentlemen　whose　names　are　famous
from　long　association　with　icebergs　and　the　Coburgs。　So　I　prints　a　lot
of　handbills　announcing　that　Woodchuck　Inn　would　shelter　these
distinguished　boarders　during　the　summer；　except　in　places　where　it
leaked；　and　I　sends　'em　out　to　towns　around　as　far　as　Knoxville　and
Charlotte　and　Fish　Dam　and　Bowling　Green。

〃'And　now　look　up　there　on　the　porch；　gents；'　says　Smoke…'em…out；　'at
them　disconsolate　specimens　of　their　fair　sex　waiting　for　the　arrival
of　the　Duke　and　the　Lieutenant。　The　house　is　packed　from　rafters　to
cellar　with　hero　worshippers。

〃'There's　four　normal　school　teachers　and　two　abnormal；　there's　three
high　school　graduates　between　37　and　42；　there's　two　literary　old
maids　and　one　that　can　write；　there's　a　couple　of　society　women　and　a
lady　from　Haw　River。　Two　elocutionists　are　bunking　in　the　corn　crib；
and　I've　put　cots　in　the　hay　loft　for　the　cook　and　the　society
editress　of　the　Chattanooga　/Opera　Glass/。　You　see　how　names　draw；
gents。'

〃'Well；'　says　I；　'how　is　it　that　you　seem　to　be　biting　your　thumbs　at
good　luck？　You　didn't　use　to　be　that　way。'

〃'I　ain't　through；'　says　Smoke…'em…out。　'Yesterday　was　the　day　for　the
advent　of　the　auspicious　personages。　I　goes　down　to　the　depot　to
welcome　'em。　Two　apparently　animate　substances　gets　off　the　train；
both　carrying　bags　full　of　croquet　mallets　and　these　magic　lanterns
with　pushbuttons。

〃I　compares　these　integers　with　the　original　signatures　to　the　letters
and；　well；　gents；　I　reckon　the　mistake　was　due　to　my　poor　eyesight。
Instead　of　being　the　Lieutenant；　the　daisy　chain　and　wild　verbena
explorer　was　none　other　than　Levi　T。　Peevy；　a　soda　water　clerk　from
Asheville。　And　the　Duke　of　Marlborough　turned　out　to　be　Theo。　Drake　of
Murfreesborough；　a　bookkeeper　in　a　grocery。　What　did　I　do？　I　kicked
'em　both　back　on　the　train　and　watched　'em　depart　for　the　lowlands；
the　low。

〃'Now　you　see　the　fix　I'm　in；　gents；'　goes　on　Smoke…'em…out　Smithers。
'I　told　the　ladies　that　the　notorious　visitors　had　been　detained　on
the　road　by　some　unavoidable　circumstances　that　made　a　noise　like　an
ice　jam　and　an　heiress；　but　they　would　arrive　a　day　or　two　later。　When
they　find　out　that　they've　been　deceived；'　says　Smoke…'em…out；　'every
yard　of　cross　barred　muslin　and　natural　waved　switch　in　the　house　will
pack　up　and　leave。　It's　a　hard　deal；'　says　old　Smoke…'em…out。

〃'Friend；'　says　Andy；　touching　the　old　man　on　the　aesophagus；　'why　this
jeremiad　when　the　polar　regions　and　the　portals　of　Blenheim　are
conspiring　to　hand　you　prosperity　on　a　hall…marked　silver　salver。　We
have　arrived。'

〃A　light　breaks　out　on　Smoke…'em…out's　face。

〃'Can　you　do　it；　gents？'　he　asks。　'Could　ye　do　it？　Could　ye　play　the
polar　man　and　the　little　duke　for　the　nice　ladies？　Will　ye　do　it？'

〃I　see　that　Andy　is　superimposed　with　his　old　hankering　for　the　oral
and　polyglot　system　of　buncoing。　That　man　had　a　vocabulary　of　about
10；000　words　and　synonyms；　which　arrayed　themselves　into　contraband
sophistries　and　parables　when　they　came　out。

〃'Listen；'　says　Andy　to　old　Smoke…'em…out。　'Can　we　do　it？　You　behold
before　you；　Mr。　Smithers；　two　of　the　finest　equipped　men　on　earth　for
inveigling　the　proletariat；　whether　by　word　of　mouth；　sleight…of…hand
or　swiftness　of　foot。　Dukes　come　and　go；　explorers　go　and　get　lost；
but　me　and　Jeff　Peters；'　says　Andy；　'go　after　the　come…ons　forever。　If
you　say　so；　we're　the　two　illustrious　guests　you　were　expecting。　And
you'll　find；'　says　Andy；　'that　we'll　give　you　the　true　local　color　of
the　title　roles　from　the　aurora　borealis　to　the　ducal　portcullis。'

〃Old　Smoke…'em…out　is　delighted。　He　takes　me　and　Andy　up　to　the　inn　by
an　arm　apiece；　telling　us　on　the　way　that　the　finest　fruits　of　the　can
and　luxuries　of　the　fast　freights　should　be　ours　without　price　as　long
as　we　would　stay。

〃On　the　porch　Smoke…'em…out　says：　'Ladies；　I　have　the　honor　to
introduce　His　Gracefulness　the　Duke　of　Marlborough　and　the　famous
inventor　of　the　North　Pole；　Lieut。　Peary。'

〃The　skirts　all　flutter　and　the　rocking　chairs　squeak　as　me　and　Andy
bows　and　then　goes　on　in　with　old　Smoke…'em…out　to　register。　And　then
we　washed　up　and　turned　our　cuffs；　and　the　landlord　took　us　to　the
rooms　he'd　been　saving　for　us　and　got　out　a　demijohn　of　North　Carolina
real　mountain　dew。

〃I　expected　trouble　when　Andy　began　to　drink。　He　has　the　artistic
metempsychosis　which　is　half　drunk　when　sober　and　looks　down　on
airships　when　stimulated。

〃After　lingering　with　the　demijohn　me　and　Andy　goes　out　on　the　porch；
where　the　ladies　are　to　begin　to　earn　our　keep。　We　sit　in　two　special
chairs　and　then　the　schoolma'ams　and　literaterrers　hunched　their
rockers　close　around　us。

〃One　lady　says　to　me：　'How　did　that　last　venture　of　yours　turn　out；
sir？'

〃Now；　I'd　clean　forgot　to　have　an　understanding　with　Andy　which　I　was
to　be；　the　duke　or　the　lieutenant。　And　I　couldn't　tell　from　her
question　whether　she　was　referring　to　Arctic　or　matrimonial
expeditions。　So　I　gave　an　answer　that　would　cover　both　cases。

〃'Well；　ma'am；'　says　I；　'it　was　a　freeze　outright　smart　of　a　freeze
out；　ma'am。'

〃And　then　the　flood　gates　of　Andy's　perorations　was　opened　and　I　knew
which　one　of　the　renowned　ostensible　guests　I　was　supposed　to　be。　I
wasn't　either。　Andy　was　both。　And　still　furthermore　it　seemed　that　he
was　trying　to　be　the　mouthpiece　of　the　whole　British　nobility　and　of
Arctic　exploration　from　Sir　John　Franklin　down。　It　was　the　union　of
corn　whiskey　and　the　conscientious　fictional　form　that　Mr。　W。　D。
Howletts　admires　so　much。

〃'Ladies；'　says　Andy；　smiling　semicircularly；　'I　am　truly　glad　to
visit　America。　I　do　not　consider　the　magna　charta；'　says　he；　'or　gas
balloons　or　snow…shoes　in　any　way　a　detriment　to　the　beauty　and　charm
of　your　American　women；　skyscrapers　or　the　architecture　of　your
icebergs。　The　next　time；'　says　Andy；　'that　I　go　after　the　North　Pole
all　the　Vanderbilts　in　Greenland　won't　be　able　to　turn　me　out　in　the
coldI　mean　make　it　hot　for　me。'

〃'Tell　us　about　one　of　your　trips；　Lieutenant；'　says　one　of　the
normals。

〃'Sure；'　says　Andy；　getting　the　decision　over　a　hiccup。　'It　was　in　the
spring　of　last　year　that　I　sailed　the　Castle　of　Blenheim　up　to
latitude　87　degrees　Fahrenheit　and　beat　the　record。　Ladies；'　says
Andy；　'it　was　a　sad　sight　to　see　a　Duke　allied　by　a　civil　and
liturgical　chattel　mortgage　to　one　of　your　first　families　lost　in　a
region　of　semiannual　days。'　And　then　he　goes　on；　'At　four　bells　we
sighted　Westminster　Abbey；　but　there　was　not　a　drop　to　eat。　At　noon　we
threw　out　five　sandbags；　and　the　ship　rose　fifteen　knots　higher。　At
midnight；'　continues　Andy；　'the　restaurants　closed。　Sitting　on　a　cake
of　ice　we　ate　seven　hot　dogs。　All　around　us　was　snow　and　ice。　Six
times　a　night　the　boatswain　rose　up　and　tore　a　leaf　off　the　calendar；
so　we　could　keep　time　with　the　barometer。　At　12；'　says　Andy；　with　a
lot　of　anguish　on　his　face；　'three　huge　polar　bears　sprang　down　the
hatchway；　into　the　cabin。　And　then'

〃'What　then；　Lieutenant？'　says　a　schoolma'am；　excitedly。

〃Andy　gives　a　loud　sob。

〃'The　Duchess　shook　me；'　he　cries　out；　and　slides　out　of　the　chair　and
weeps　on　the　porch。

〃Well；　of　course；　that　fixed　the　scheme。　The　women　boarders　all　left
the　next　morning。　The　landlord　wouldn't　speak　to　us　for　tw