the gentle grafter-第1节

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The　Gentle　Grafter

by　O。　Henry





CONTENTS

　　　I。　The　Octopus　Marooned
　　II。　Jeff　Peters　as　a　Personal　Magnet
　III。　Modern　Rural　Sports
　　IV。　The　Chair　of　Philanthromathematics
　　　V。　The　Hand　That　Riles　the　World
　　VI。　The　Exact　Science　of　Matrimony
　VII。　A　Midsummer　Masquerade
VIII。　Shearing　the　Wolf
　　IX。　Innocents　of　Broadway
　　　X。　Conscience　in　Art
　　XI。　The　Man　Higher　Up
　XII。　A　Tempered　Wind
XIII。　Hostages　to　Momus
　XIV。　The　Ethics　of　Pig




THE　GENTLE　GRAFTER



I

THE　OCTOPUS　MAROONED

〃A　trust　is　its　weakest　point；〃　said　Jeff　Peters。

〃That；〃　said　I；　〃sounds　like　one　of　those　unintelligible　remarks　such
as；　'Why　is　a　policeman？'〃

〃It　is　not；〃　said　Jeff。　〃There　are　no　relations　between　a　trust　and　a
policeman。　My　remark　was　an　epitograman　axisa　kind　of　mulct'em　in
parvo。　What　it　means　is　that　a　trust　is　like　an　egg；　and　it　is　not
like　an　egg。　If　you　want　to　break　an　egg　you　have　to　do　it　from　the
outside。　The　only　way　to　break　up　a　trust　is　from　the　inside。　Keep
sitting　on　it　until　it　hatches。　Look　at　the　brood　of　young　colleges
and　libraries　that's　chirping　and　peeping　all　over　the　country。　Yes；
sir；　every　trust　bears　in　its　own　bosom　the　seeds　of　its　destruction
like　a　rooster　that　crows　near　a　Georgia　colored　Methodist　camp
meeting；　or　a　Republican　announcing　himself　a　candidate　for　governor
of　Texas。〃

I　asked　Jeff；　jestingly；　if　he　had　ever；　during　his　checkered；
plaided；　mottled；　pied　and　dappled　career；　conducted　an　enterprise　of
the　class　to　which　the　word　〃trust〃　had　been　applied。　Somewhat　to　my
surprise　he　acknowledged　the　corner。

〃Once；〃　said　he。　〃And　the　state　seal　of　New　Jersey　never　bit　into　a
charter　that　opened　up　a　solider　and　safer　piece　of　legitimate
octopusing。　We　had　everything　in　our　favorwind；　water；　police；
nerve；　and　a　clean　monopoly　of　an　article　indispensable　to　the　public。
There　wasn't　a　trust　buster　on　the　globe　that　could　have　found　a　weak
spot　in　our　scheme。　It　made　Rockefeller's　little　kerosene　speculation
look　like　a　bucket　shop。　But　we　lost　out。〃

〃Some　unforeseen　opposition　came　up；　I　suppose；〃　I　said。

〃No；　sir；　it　was　just　as　I　said。　We　were　self…curbed。　It　was　a　case　of
auto…suppression。　There　was　a　rift　within　the　loot；　as　Albert　Tennyson
says。

〃You　remember　I　told　you　that　me　and　Andy　Tucker　was　partners　for　some
years。　That　man　was　the　most　talented　conniver　at　stratagems　I　ever
saw。　Whenever　he　saw　a　dollar　in　another　man's　hands　he　took　it　as　a
personal　grudge；　if　he　couldn't　take　it　any　other　way。　Andy　was
educated；　too；　besides　having　a　lot　of　useful　information。　He　had
acquired　a　big　amount　of　experience　out　of　books；　and　could　talk　for
hours　on　any　subject　connected　with　ideas　and　discourse。　He　had　been
in　every　line　of　graft　from　lecturing　on　Palestine　with　a　lot　of　magic
lantern　pictures　of　the　annual　Custom…made　Clothiers'　Association
convention　at　Atlantic　City　to　flooding　Connecticut　with　bogus　wood
alcohol　distilled　from　nutmegs。

〃One　Spring　me　and　Andy　had　been　over　in　Mexico　on　a　flying　trip
during　which　a　Philadelphia　capitalist　had　paid　us　2；500　for　a　half
interest　in　a　silver　mine　in　Chihuahua。　Oh；　yes；　the　mine　was　all
right。　The　other　half　interest　must　have　been　worth　two　or　three
thousand。　I　often　wondered　who　owned　that　mine。

〃In　coming　back　to　the　United　States　me　and　Andy　stubbed　our　toes
against　a　little　town　in　Texas　on　the　bank　of　the　Rio　Grande。　The　name
of　it　was　Bird　City；　but　it　wasn't。　The　town　had　about　2；000
inhabitants；　mostly　men。　I　figured　out　that　their　principal　means　of
existence　was　in　living　close　to　tall　chaparral。　Some　of　'em　were
stockmen　and　some　gamblers　and　some　horse　peculators　and　plenty　were
in　the　smuggling　line。　Me　and　Andy　put　up　at　a　hotel　that　was　built
like　something　between　a　roof…garden　and　a　sectional　bookcase。　It
began　to　rain　the　day　we　got　there。　As　the　saying　is；　Juniper　Aquarius
was　sure　turning　on　the　water　plugs　on　Mount　Amphibious。

〃Now；　there　were　three　saloons　in　Bird　City；　though　neither　Andy　nor
me　drank。　But　we　could　see　the　townspeople　making　a　triangular
procession　from　one　to　another　all　day　and　half　the　night。　Everybody
seemed　to　know　what　to　do　with　as　much　money　as　they　had。

〃The　third　day　of　the　rain　it　slacked　up　awhile　in　the　afternoon；　so
me　and　Andy　walked　out　to　the　edge　of　town　to　view　the　mudscape。　Bird
City　was　built　between　the　Rio　Grande　and　a　deep　wide　arroyo　that　used
to　be　the　old　bed　of　the　river。　The　bank　between　the　stream　and　its
old　bed　was　cracking　and　giving　away；　when　we　saw　it；　on　account　of
the　high　water　caused　by　the　rain。　Andy　looks　at　it　a　long　time。　That
man's　intellects　was　never　idle。　And　then　he　unfolds　to　me　a
instantaneous　idea　that　has　occurred　to　him。　Right　there　was　organized
a　trust；　and　we　walked　back　into　town　and　put　it　on　the　market。

〃First　we　went　to　the　main　saloon　in　Bird　City；　called　the　Blue　Snake；
and　bought　it。　It　cost　us　1；200。　And　then　we　dropped　in；　casual；　at
Mexican　Joe's　place；　referred　to　the　rain；　and　bought　him　out　for
500。　The　other　one　came　easy　at　400。

〃The　next　morning　Bird　City　woke　up　and　found　itself　an　island。　The
river　had　busted　through　its　old　channel；　and　the　town　was　surrounded
by　roaring　torrents。　The　rain　was　still　raining；　and　there　was　heavy
clouds　in　the　northwest　that　presaged　about　six　more　mean　annual
rainfalls　during　the　next　two　weeks。　But　the　worst　was　yet　to　come。

〃Bird　City　hopped　out　of　its　nest；　waggled　its　pin　feathers　and
strolled　out　for　its　matutinal　toot。　Lo！　Mexican　Joe's　place　was
closed　and　likewise　the　other　little　'dobe　life　saving　station。　So；
naturally　the　body　politic　emits　thirsty　ejaculations　of　surprise　and
ports　hellum　for　the　Blue　Snake。　And　what　does　it　find　there？

〃Behind　one　end　of　the　bar　sits　Jefferson　Peters；　octopus；　with　a
sixshooter　on　each　side　of　him；　ready　to　make　change　or　corpses　as　the
case　may　be。　There　are　three　bartenders；　and　on　the　wall　is　a　ten　foot
sign　reading：　'All　Drinks　One　Dollar。'　Andy　sits　on　the　safe　in　his
neat　blue　suit　and　gold…banded　cigar；　on　the　lookout　for　emergencies。
The　town　marshal　is　there　with　two　deputies　to　keep　order；　having　been
promised　free　drinks　by　the　trust。

〃Well；　sir；　it　took　Bird　City　just　ten　minutes　to　realize　that　it　was
in　a　cage。　We　expected　trouble；　but　there　wasn't　any。　The　citizens　saw
that　we　had　'em。　The　nearest　railroad　was　thirty　miles　away；　and　it
would　be　two　weeks　at　least　before　the　river　would　be　fordable。　So
they　began　to　cuss；　amiable；　and　throw　down　dollars　on　the　bar　till　it
sounded　like　a　selection　on　the　xylophone。

〃There　was　about　1；500　grown…up　adults　in　Bird　City　that　had　arrived
at　years　of　indiscretion；　and　the　majority　of　'em　required　from　three
to　twenty　drinks　a　day　to　make　life　endurable。　The　Blue　Snake　was　the
only　place　where　they　could　get　'em　till　the　flood　subsided。　It　was
beautiful　and　simple　as　all　truly　great　swindles　are。

〃About　ten　o'clock　the　silver　dollars　dropping　on　the　bar　slowed　down
to　playing　two…steps　and　marches　instead　of　jigs。　But　I　looked　out　the
window　and　saw　a　hundred　or　two　of　our　customers　standing　in　line　at
Bird　City　Savings　and　Loan　Co。；　and　I　knew　they　were　borrowing　more
money　to　be　sucked　in　by　the　clammy　tendrils　of　the　octopus。

〃At　the　fashionable　hour　of　noon　everybody　went　home　to　dinner。　We
told　the　bartenders　to　take　advantage　of　the　lull；　and　do　the　same。
Then　me　and　Andy　counted　the　receipts。　We　had　taken　in　1；300。　We
calculated　that　if　Bird　City　would　only　remain　an　island　for　two　weeks
the　trust　would　be　able　to　endow　the　Chicago　University　with　a　new
dormitory　of　padded　cells　for　the　faculty；　and　present　every　worthy
poor　man　in　Texas　with　a　farm；　provided　he　furnished　the　site　for　it。

〃Andy　was　especial　inroaded　by　self…esteem　at　our　success；　the
rudiments　of　the　scheme　having　originated　in　his　own　surmises　and
premonitions。　He　got　off　the　safe　and　lit　the　biggest　cigar　in　the
house。

〃'Jeff；'　says　he；　'I　don't　suppose　that　anywhere　in　the　world　you
could　find　three　cormorants　with　brighter　ideas　about　down…treading
the　proletariat　than　the　firm　of　Peters；　Satan　and　Tucker；
incorporated。　We　have　sure　handed　the　small　consumer　a　giant　blow　in
the　sole　apoplectic　region。　No？'

〃'Well；'　says　I；　'it　does　look　as　if　we　would　have　to　take　up
gastritis　and　golf　or　be　measured　for　kilts　in　spite　of　ourselves。
This　little　turn　in　bug　juice　is；　verily；　all　to　the　Skibo。　And　I　can
stand　it；'　says　I；　'I'd　rather　batten　than　bant　any　day。'

〃Andy　pours　himself　out　four　fingers　of　our　best　rye　and　does　with　it
as　was　so　intended。　It　was　the　first　drink　I　had　ever　known　him　to
take。

〃'By　way　of　liberation；'　says　he；　'to　the　gods。'

〃And　then　after　thus　doing　umbrage　to　the　heathen　diabetes　he　drinks
another　to　our　success。　And　then　he　begins　to　toast　the　trade；
beginning　with　Raisuli　and　the　Northern　Pacific；　and　on　down　the　line
to　the　little　ones　like　the　school　book　combine　and　the　oleomargarine
outrages　and　the　Lehigh　Valley　and　Great　Scott　Coal　Federation。

〃'It's　all　right；　Andy；'　says　I；　'to　drink　the　health　of　our　brother
monopolists；　but　don't　overdo　the　wassail。