desperate remedies-第55节

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'Say　ashamed　of　me　at　once；'　she　bitterly　answered。

'I　am　ashamed　of　you；'　he　retorted　angrily；　'the　mood　has　not　left
you　yet；　then？'

'Owen；'　she　said；　and　paused。　　Her　lip　trembled；　her　eye　told　of
sensations　too　deep　for　tears。　　'No；　Owen；　it　has　not　left　me；　and　I
will　be　honest。　　I　own　now　to　you；　without　any　disguise　of　words；
what　last　night　I　did　not　own　to　myself；　because　I　hardly　knew　of
it。　　I　love　Edward　Springrove　with　all　my　strength；　and　heart；　and
soul。　　You　call　me　a　wanton　for　it；　don't　you？　　I　don't　care；　I　have
gone　beyond　caring　for　anything！'　　She　looked　stonily　into　his　face
and　made　the　speech　calmly。

'Well；　poor　Cytherea；　don't　talk　like　that！'　he　said；　alarmed　at　her
manner。

'I　thought　that　I　did　not　love　him　at　all；'　she　went　on
hysterically。　　'A　year　and　a　half　had　passed　since　we　met。　　I　could
go　by　the　gate　of　his　garden　without　thinking　of　himlook　at　his
seat　in　church　and　not　care。　　But　I　saw　him　this　morningdying
because　he　loves　me　soI　know　it　is　that！　　Can　I　help　loving　him
too？　　No；　I　cannot；　and　I　will　love　him；　and　I　don't　care！　　We　have
been　separated　somehow　by　some　contrivanceI　know　we　have。　　O；　if　I
could　only　die！'

He　held　her　in　his　arms。　　'Many　a　woman　has　gone　to　ruin　herself；'
he　said；　'and　brought　those　who　love　her　into　disgrace；　by　acting
upon　such　impulses　as　possess　you　now。　　I　have　a　reputation　to　lose
as　well　as　you。　　It　seems　that　do　what　I　will　by　way　of　remedying
the　stains　which　fell　upon　us；　it　is　all　doomed　to　be　undone　again。'
His　voice　grew　husky　as　he　made　the　reply。

The　right　and　only　effective　chord　had　been　touched。　　Since　she　had
seen　Edward；　she　had　thought　only　of　herself　and　him。　　Owenher
namepositionfuturehad　been　as　if　they　did　not　exist。

'I　won't　give　way　and　become　a　disgrace　to　YOU；　at　any　rate；'　she
said。

'Besides；　your　duty　to　society；　and　those　about　you；　requires　that
you　should　live　with　（at　any　rate）　all　the　appearance　of　a　good
wife；　and　try　to　love　your　husband。'

'Yesmy　duty　to　society；'　she　murmured。　　'But　ah；　Owen；　it　is
difficult　to　adjust　our　outer　and　inner　life　with　perfect　honesty　to
all！　　Though　it　may　be　right　to　care　more　for　the　benefit　of　the
many　than　for　the　indulgence　of　your　own　single　self；　when　you
consider　that　the　many；　and　duty　to　them；　only　exist　to　you　through
your　own　existence；　what　can　be　said？　　What　do　our　own　acquaintances
care　about　us？　　Not　much。　　I　think　of　mine。　　Mine　will　now　（do　they
learn　all　the　wicked　frailty　of　my　heart　in　this　affair）　look　at　me；
smile　sickly；　and　condemn　me。　　And　perhaps；　far　in　time　to　come；
when　I　am　dead　and　gone；　some　other's　accent；　or　some　other's　song；
or　thought；　like　an　old　one　of　mine；　will　carry　them　back　to　what　I
used　to　say；　and　hurt　their　hearts　a　little　that　they　blamed　me　so
soon。　　And　they　will　pause　just　for　an　instant；　and　give　a　sigh　to
me；　and　think；　〃Poor　girl！〃　believing　they　do　great　justice　to　my
memory　by　this。　　But　they　will　never；　never　realize　that　it　was　my
single　opportunity　of　existence；　as　well　as　of　doing　my　duty；　which
they　are　regarding；　they　will　not　feel　that　what　to　them　is　but　a
thought；　easily　held　in　those　two　words　of　pity；　〃Poor　girl！〃　was　a
whole　life　to　me；　as　full　of　hours；　minutes；　and　peculiar　minutes；
of　hopes　and　dreads；　smiles；　whisperings；　tears；　as　theirs：　　that　it
was　my　world；　what　is　to　them　their　world；　and　they　in　that　life　of
mine；　however　much　I　cared　for　them；　only　as　the　thought　I　seem　to
them　to　be。　　Nobody　can　enter　into　another's　nature　truly；　that's
what　is　so　grievous。'

'Well；　it　cannot　be　helped；'　said　Owen。

'But　we　must　not　stay　here；'　she　continued；　starting　up　and　going。
'We　shall　be　missed。　　I'll　do　my　best；　OwenI　will；　indeed。'

It　had　been　decided　that　on　account　of　the　wretched　state　of　the
roads；　the　newly…married　pair　should　not　drive　to　the　station　till
the　latest　hour　in　the　afternoon　at　which　they　could　get　a　train　to
take　them　to　Southampton　（their　destination　that　night）　by　a
reasonable　time　in　the　evening。　　They　intended　the　next　morning　to
cross　to　Havre；　and　thence　to　Parisa　place　Cytherea　had　never
visitedfor　their　wedding　tour。

The　afternoon　drew　on。　　The　packing　was　done。　　Cytherea　was　so
restless　that　she　could　stay　still　nowhere。　　Miss　Aldclyffe；　who；
though　she　took　little　part　in　the　day's　proceedings；　was；　as　it
were；　instinctively　conscious　of　all　their　movements；　put　down　her
charge's　agitation　for　once　as　the　natural　result　of　the　novel
event；　and　Manston　himself　was　as　indulgent　as　could　be　wished。

At　length　Cytherea　wandered　alone　into　the　conservatory。　　When　in
it；　she　thought　she　would　run　across　to　the　hot…house　in　the　outer
garden；　having　in　her　heart　a　whimsical　desire　that　she　should　also
like　to　take　a　last　look　at　the　familiar　flowers　and　luxuriant
leaves　collected　there。　　She　pulled　on　a　pair　of　overshoes；　and
thither　she　went。　　Not　a　soul　was　in　or　around　the　place。　　The
gardener　was　making　merry　on　Manston's　and　her　account。

The　happiness　that　a　generous　spirit　derives　from　the　belief　that　it
exists　in　others　is　often　greater　than　the　primary　happiness　itself。
The　gardener　thought　'How　happy　they　are！'　and　the　thought　made　him
happier　than　they。

Coming　out　of　the　forcing…house　again；　she　was　on　the　point　of
returning　indoors；　when　a　feeling　that　these　moments　of　solitude
would　be　her　last　of　freedom　induced　her　to　prolong　them　a　little；
and　she　stood　still；　unheeding　the　wintry　aspect　of　the　curly…leaved
plants；　the　straw…covered　beds；　and　the　bare　fruit…trees　around　her。
The　garden；　no　part　of　which　was　visible　from　the　house；　sloped　down
to　a　narrow　river　at　the　foot；　dividing　it　from　the　meadows　without。

A　man　was　lingering　along　the　public　path　on　the　other　side　of　the
river；　she　fancied　she　knew　the　form。　　Her　resolutions；　taken　in　the
presence　of　Owen；　did　not　fail　her　now。　　She　hoped　and　prayed　that
it　might　not　be　one　who　had　stolen　her　heart　away；　and　still　kept
it。　　Why　should　he　have　reappeared　at　all；　when　he　had　declared　that
he　went　out　of　her　sight　for　ever？

She　hastily　hid　herself；　in　the　lowest　corner　of　the　garden　close　to
the　river。　　A　large　dead　tree；　thickly　robed　in　ivy；　had　been
considerably　depressed　by　its　icy　load　of　the　morning；　and　hung　low
over　the　stream；　which　here　ran　slow　and　deep。　　The　tree　screened
her　from　the　eyes　of　any　passer　on　the　other　side。

She　waited　timidly；　and　her　timidity　increased。　　She　would　not　allow
herself　to　see　himshe　would　hear　him　pass；　and　then　look　to　see　if
it　had　been　Edward。

But；　before　she　heard　anything；　she　became　aware　of　an　object
reflected　in　the　water　from　under　the　tree　which　hung　over　the　river
in　such　a　way　that；　though　hiding　the　actual　path；　and　objects　upon
it；　it　permitted　their　reflected　images　to　pass　beneath　its　boughs。
The　reflected　form　was　that　of　the　man　she　had　seen　further　off；　but
being　inverted；　she　could　not　definitely　characterize　him。

He　was　looking　at　the　upper　windows　of　the　Houseat　herswas　it
Edward；　indeed？　　If　so；　he　was　probably　thinking　he　would　like　to
say　one　parting　word。　　He　came　closer；　gazed　into　the　stream；　and
walked　very　slowly。　　She　was　almost　certain　that　it　was　Edward。　　She
kept　more　safely　hidden。　　Conscience　told　her　that　she　ought　not　to
see　him。　　But　she　suddenly　asked　herself　a　question：　　'Can　it　be
possible　that　he　sees　my　reflected　image；　as　I　see　his？　　Of　course
he　does！'

He　was　looking　at　her　in　the　water。

She　could　not　help　herself　now。　　She　stepped　forward　just　as　he
emerged　from　the　other　side　of　the　tree　and　appeared　erect　before
her。　　It　was　Edward　Springrovetill　the　inverted　vision　met　his
eye；　dreaming　no　more　of　seeing　his　Cytherea　there　than　of　seeing
the　dead　themselves。

'Cytherea！'

'Mr。　Springrove；'　she　returned；　in　a　low　voice；　across　the　stream。

He　was　the　first　to　speak　again。

'Since　we　have　met；　I　want　to　tell　you　something；　before　we　become
quite　as　strangers　to　each　other。'

'Nonot　nowI　did　not　mean　to　speakit　is　not　right；　Edward。'
She　spoke　hurriedly　and　turned　away　from　him；　beating　the　air　with
her　hand。

'Not　one　common　word　of　explanation？'　he　implored。　　'Don't　think　I
am　bad　enough　to　try　to　lead　you　astray。　　Well；　goit　is　better。'

Their　eyes　met　again。　　She　was　nearly　choked。　　O；　how　she　longed
and　dreadedto　hear　his　explanation！

'What　is　it？'　she　said　desperately。

'It　is　that　I　did　not　come　to　the　church　this　morning　in　order　to
distress　you：　　I　did　not；　Cytherea。　　It　was　to　try　to　speak　to　you
before　you　weremarried。'

He　stepped　closer；　and　went　on；　'You　know　what　has　taken　place？
Surely　you　do？my　cousin　is　married；　and　I　am　free。'

'Marriedand　not　to　you？'　Cytherea　faltered；　in　a　weak　whisper。

'Yes；　she　was　married　yesterday！　　A　rich　man　had　appeared；　and　she
jilted　me。　　She　said　she　never　would　have　jilted　a　stranger；　but
that　by　jilting　me；　she　only　exercised　the　right　everybody　has　of
snubbing　their　own　relations。　　But　that's　nothing　now。　　I　came　to
you　to　ask　once　more　if。　。　。　。　　But　I　was　too　late。'

'But；　Edward；　what's　that；　what's　that！'　she　cried；　in　an　agony　of
reproach。　　'Why　did　you　leave　me　to　return　to　her？　　Why　did　you