april hopes-第57节

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suffering　as　helplessly　and　hopelessly　as　a　child。　　〃Well；〃　he　sighed；　as
he　swung　out　of　the　door。

Boardman　found　him　seated　at　his　writing…desk　in　his　smoking…jacket　when
he　came　to　him；　rather　early；　and　on　the　desk　were　laid　out　the　properties
of　the　little　play　which　had　come　to　a　tragic　close。　　There　were　some
small　bits　of　jewellery；　among　the　rest　a　ring　of　hers　which　Alice　had
been　letting　him　wear；　a　lock　of　her　hair　which　he　had　kept；　for　the
greater　convenience　of　kissing；　in　the　original　parcel；　tied　with　crimson
ribbon；　a　succession　of　flowers　which　she　had　worn；　more　and　more　dry　and
brown　with　age；　one　of　her　gloves；　which　he　had　found　and　kept　from　the
day　they　first　met　in　Cambridge；　a　bunch　of　withered　bluebells　tied　with
sweet…grass；　whose　odour　filled　the　room；　from　the　picnic　at　Campobello；
scraps　of　paper　with　her　writing　on　them；　and　cards；　several　photographs
of　her；　and　piles　of　notes　and　letters。

〃Look　here；〃　said　Dan；　knowing　it　was　Boardman　without　turning　round；
〃what　am　I　to　do　about　these　things？〃

Boardman　respectfully　examined　them　over　his　shoulder。　　〃Don't　know　what
the　usual　ceremony　is；〃　he　said；　he　ventured　to　add；　referring　to　the
heaps　of　letters；　〃Seems　to　have　been　rather　epistolary；　doesn't　she？〃

〃Oh；　don't　talk　of　her　as　if　she　were　dead！〃　cried　Dan。　　〃I've　been
feeling　as　if　she　were。〃　　All　at　once　he　dropped　his　head　among　these
witnesses　of　his　loss；　and　sobbed。

Boardman　appeared　shocked；　and　yet　somewhat　amused；　he　made　a　soft　low
sibilation　between　his　teeth。

Dan　lifted　his　head。　　〃Boardman；　if　you　ever　give　me　away！〃

〃Oh；　I　don't　suppose　it's　very　hilarious；〃　said　Boardman；　with　vague
kindness。　　〃Packed　yet？〃　he　asked；　getting　away　from　the　subject　as
something　he　did　not　feel　himself　fitted　to　deal　with　consecutively。

〃I'm　only　going　to　take　a　bag；〃　said　Mavering；　going　to　get　some　clothes
down　from　a　closet　where　his　words　had　a　sepulchral　reverberation。

〃Can't　I　help？〃　asked　Boardman；　keeping　away　from　the　sad　memorials　of
Dan's　love　strewn　about　on　the　desk；　and　yet　not　able　to　keep　his　eyes　off
them　across　the　room。

〃Well；　I　don't　know；〃　said　Dan。　　He　came　out　with　his　armful　of　coats　and
trousers；　and　threw　them　on　the　bed。　　〃Are　you　going？〃

〃If　I　could　believe　you　wanted　me　to。〃

〃Good！〃　cried　Mavering；　and　the　fact　seemed　to　brighten　him　immediately。
〃If　you　want　to；　stuff　these　things　in；　while　I'm　doing　up　these　other
things。〃　　He　nodded　his　head　side…wise　toward　the　desk。

〃All　right；〃　said　Boardman。

His　burst　of　grief　must　have　relieved　Dan　greatly。　　He　set　about　gathering
up　the　relics　on　the　desk；　and　getting　a　suitable　piece　of　paper　to　wrap
them　in。　　He　rejected　several　pieces　as　inappropriate。

〃I　don't　know　what　kind　of　paper　to　do　these　things　up　in；〃　he　said　at
last。

〃Any　special　kind　of　paper　required？〃　Boardman　asked；　pausing　in　the　act
of　folding　a　pair　of　pantaloons　so　as　not　to　break　the　fall　over　the　boot。

〃I　didn't　know　there　was；　but　there　seems　to　be；〃　said　Dan。

〃Silver　paper　seems　to　be　rather　more　for　cake　and　that　sort　of　thing；〃
suggested　Boardman。　　〃Kind　of　mourning　too；　isn't　itsilver？〃

〃I　don't　know；〃　said　Dan。　　〃But　I　haven't　got　any　silver　paper。〃

〃Newspaper　wouldn't　do？〃

〃Well；　hardly；　Boardman；〃　said　Dan；　with　sarcasm。

〃Well；〃　said　Boardman；　〃I　should　have　supposed　that　nothing　could　be
simpler　than　to　send　back　a　lot　of　love…letters；　but　the　question　of　paper
seems　insuperable。　　Manila　paper　wouldn't　do　either。　　And　then　comes
string。　　What　kind　of　string　are　you　going　to　tie　it　up　with？〃

〃Well；　we　won't　start　that　question　till　we　get　to　it；〃　answered　Dan；
looking　about。　　〃If　I　could　find　some　kind　of　a　box〃

〃Haven't　you　got　a　collar　box？　　Be　the　very　thing！〃　　Boardman　had　gone
back　to　the　coats　and　trousers；　abandoning　Dan　to　the　subtler　difficulties
in　which　he　was　involved。

〃They've　all　got　labels；〃　said　Mavering；　getting　down　one　marked　〃The
Tennyson〃　and　another　lettered　〃The　Clarion；〃　and　looking　at　them　with
cold　rejection。

〃Don't　see　how　you're　going　to　send　these　things　back　at　all；　then。　　Have
to　keep　them；　I　guess。〃　　Boardman　finished　his　task；　and　came　back　to　Dan。

〃I　guess　I've　got　it　now；〃　said　Mavering；　lifting　the　lid　of　his　desk；　and
taking　out　a　large　stiff　envelope；　in　which　a　set　of　photographic　views
had　come。

〃Seems　to　have　been　made　for　it；〃　Boardman　exulted；　watching　the　envelope；
as　it　filled　up；　expand　into　a　kind　of　shapely　packet。　　Dan　put　the　things
silently　in；　and　sealed　the　parcel　with　his　ring。　　Then　he　turned　it　over
to　address　it；　but　the　writing　of　Alice's　name　for　this　purpose　seemed　too
much　for　him；　in　spite　of　Boardman's　humorous　support　throughout。

〃Oh；　I　can't　do　it；〃　he　said；　falling　back　in　his　chair。

〃Let　me；〃　said　his　friend；　cheerfully　ignoring　his　despair。　　He
philosophised　the　whole　transaction；　as　he　addressed　the　package；　rang　for
a　messenger；　and　sent　it　away；　telling　him　to　call　a　cab　for　ten　minutes
past　two。

〃Mighty　good　thing　in　life　that　we　move　by　steps。　　Now　on　the　stage；　or　in
a　novel；　you'd　have　got　those　things　together　and　addressed　'em；　and
despatched　'em；　in　just　the　right　kind　of　paper；　with　just　the　right　kind
of　string　round　it；　at　a　dash；　and　then　you'd　have　had　time　to　go　up　and
lean　your　head　against　something　and　soliloquise；　or　else　think
unutterable　things。　　But　here　you　see　how　a　merciful　Providence　blocks
your　way　all　along。　　You've　had　to　fight　through　all　sort　of　sordid　little
details　to　the　grand　tragic　result　of　getting　off　Miss　Pasmer's　letters；
and　when　you　reach　it　you　don't　mind　it　a　bit。〃

〃Don't　I？〃　demanded　Dan；　in　as　hollow　a　voice　as　he　could。　　〃You'd　joke　at
a　funeral；　Boardman。〃

〃I've　seen　some　pretty　cheerful　funerals；〃　said　Boardman。　　〃And　it's　this
principle　of　steps；　of　degrees；　of　having　to　do　this　little　thing；　and
that　little　thing；　that　keeps　funerals　from　killing　the　survivors。　　I
suppose　this　is　worse　than　a　funerallook　at　it　in　the　right　light。　　You
mourn　as　one　without　hope；　don't　you？　　Live　through　it　too；　I　suppose。〃

He　made　Dan　help　get　the　rest　of　his　things　into　his　bag；　and　with　one
little　artifice　and　another　prevented　him　from　stagnating　in　despair。　　He
dissented　from　the　idea　of　waiting　over　another　day　to　see　if　Alice　would
not　relent　when　she　got　her　letters　back；　and　send　for　Dan　to　come　and　see
her。

〃Relent　a　good　deal　more　when　she　finds　you've　gone　out　of　town；　if　she
sends　for　you；〃　he　argued；　and　he　got　Dan　into　the　cab　and　off　to　the
station；　carefully　making　him　an　active　partner　in　the　whole　undertaking；
even　to　checking　his　own　bag。

Before　he　bought　his　own　ticket　he　appealed　once　more　to　Dan。

〃Look　here！　　I　feel　like　a　fool　going　off　with　you　on　this　expedition。　　Be
honest　for　once；　now；　Mavering；　and　tell　me　you've　thought　better　of　it；
and　don't　want　me　to　go！〃

〃Yesyes；　I　do。　　Oh　yes；　you've　got　to　go。　　I　I　do　want　you。　　Iyou　make
me　see　things　in　just　the　right　light；　don't　you　know。　　That　idea　of　yours
about　little　stepsit's　braced　me　all　up。　　Yes〃

〃You're　such　an　infernal　humbug；〃　said　Boardman；　〃I　can't　tell　whether　you
want　me　or　not。　　But　I'm　in　for　it　now；　and　I'll　go。〃　　Then　he　bought　his
ticket。




XLV。

Boardman　put　himself　in　charge　of　Mavering；　and　took　him　into　the　smoking
car。　　It　was　impossible　to　indulge　a　poetic　gloom　there　without　becoming
unpleasantly　conspicuous　in　the　smoking　and　euchre　and　profanity。　　Some　of
the　men　were　silent　and　dull；　but　no　one　was　apparently　very　unhappy；　and
perhaps　if　Dan　had　dealt　in　absolute　sincerity　with　himself；　even　he　would
not　have　found　himself　wholly　so。　　He　did　not　feel　as　he　had　felt　when
Alice　rejected　him。　　Then　he　was　wounded　to　the　quick　through　his　vanity；
and　now；　in　spite　of　all；　in　spite　of　the　involuntary　tender　swaying　of
his　heart　toward　her　through　the　mere　force　of　habit；　in　spite　of　some
remote　compunctions　for　his　want　of　candour　with　her；　he　was　supported　by
a　sense　of　her　injustice；　her　hardness。　　Related　with　this　was　an　obscure
sense　of　escape；　of　liberation；　which；　however　he　might　silence　and　disown
it；　was　still　there。　　He　could　not　help　being　aware　that　he　had　long
relinquished　tastes　customs；　purposes；　ideals；　to　gain　a　peace　that　seemed
more　and　more　fleeting　and　uncertain；　and　that　he　had　submitted　to　others
which；　now　that　the　moment　of　giving　pleasure　by　his　submission　was　past；
he　recognised　as　disagreeable。　　He　felt　a　sort　of　guilt　in　his
enlargement；　he　knew；　by　all　that　he　had；　ever　heard　or　read　of　people　in
his　position；　that　he　ought　to　be　altogether　miserable；　and　yet　this
consciousness　of　relief　persisted。　　He　told　himself　that　a　very　tragical
thing　had　befallen　him；　that　this　broken　engagement　was　the　ruin　of　his
life　and　the　end　of　his　youth；　and　that　he　must　live　on　an　old　and　joyless
man；　wise　with　the　knowledge　that　comes　to　decrepitude　and　despair；　he
imagined　a　certain　look　for　himself；　a　gait；　a　name；　that　would　express
this；　but　all　the　same　he　was　aware　of　having　got　out　of　something。　　Was
it　a　bondage；　a　scrape；　as　Boardman　called　it？　　He　thought　he　must　be　a
very　light；　shallow；　and　frivolous　nature