april hopes-第50节
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why need you give me up？ There's really no occasion for it； I assure
you。〃
〃I wished；〃 she explained； 〃to show you that I loved you for something
above yourself and myselffar above either〃
She stopped and dropped the hand which she had raised to fend him off； and
he profited by the little pause she made to take her in his arms without
seeming to do so。 〃Well；〃 he said； 〃 I don't believe I was formed to be
loved on a very high plane。 But I'm not too proud to be loved for my own
sake； and I don't think there's anything above you； Alice。〃
〃Oh yes； there is！ I don't deserve to be happy； and that's the reason why
I'm not allowed to be happy in any noble way。 I can't bear to give you
up； you know I can't； but you ought to give me upindeed you ought。 I
have ideals； but 1 can't live up to them。 You ought to go。 You ought to
leave me。〃 She accented each little sentence by vividly pressing herself
to his heart； and he had the wisdom or the instinct to treat their
reconciliation as nothing settled； but merely provisional in its nature。
〃Well； we'll see about that。 I don't want to go till after breakfast；
anyway； your mother says I may stay； and I'm awfully hungry。 If I see
anything particularly base in you； perhaps I sha'n't come back to lunch。〃
Dan would have liked to turn it alt off into a joke； now that the worst
was apparently over； but Alice freed herself from him； and held him off
with her hand set against his breast。 〃Does mamma know about it？〃 she
demanded sternly。
〃Well； she knows there's been some misunderstanding；〃 said Dan； with a
laugh that was anxious； in view of the clouds possibly gathering again。
〃How much？〃
〃Well； I can't say exactly。〃 He would not say that he did not know； but
he felt that he could truly say that he could not say。
She dropped her hand； and consented to be deceived。 Dan caught her again
to his breast； but he had an odd； vague sense of doing it carefully； of
using a little of the caution with which one seizes the stem of a rose
between the thorns。
〃I can bear to be ridiculous with you；〃 she whispered； with an implication
which he understood。
〃You haven't been ridiculous； dearest；〃 he said； and his tension gave way
in a convulsive laugh； which partially expressed his feeling of restored
security； and partly his amusement in realising how the situation would
have pleased Mrs。 Pasmer if she could have known it。
Mrs。 Pasmer was seated behind her coffee biggin at the breakfast…table
when he came into the room with Alice； and she lifted an eye from its
glass bulb long enough to catch his flying glance of exultation and
admonition。 Then； while she regarded the chemical struggle in the bulb；
with the rapt eye of a magician reading fate in his crystal ball； she
questioned herself how much she should know； and how much she should
ignore。 It was a great moment for Mrs。 Pasmer； full of delicious choice。
〃Do you understand this process； Mr。 Mavering？〃 she said； glancing up at
him warily for farther instruction。
〃I've seen it done；〃 said Dan； 〃but I never knew how it was managed。 I
always thought it was going to blow up； but it seemed to me that if you
were good and true and very meek； and had a conscience void of offence； it
wouldn't。〃
〃Yes； that's what it seems to depend upon；〃 said Mrs。 Pasmer； keeping her
eye on the bulb。 She dodged suddenly forward； and put out the spirit…
lamp。 〃Now have your coffee！〃 she cried； with a great air of relief。 〃You
must need it by this time；〃 she said with a low cynical laugh〃 both of
you！〃
〃Did you always make coffee with a biggin in France； Mrs。 Pasmer？〃 asked
Dan； and he laughed out the last burden that lurked in his heart。
Mrs。 Pasmer joined him。 〃No； Mr。 Mavering。 In France you don't need a
biggin。 I set mine up when we went to England。〃
Alice looked darkly from one of these light spirits to the other； and then
they all shrieked together。
They went on talking volubly from that； and they talked as far away from
what they were thinking about as possible。 They talked of Europe； and
Mrs。 Pasmer said where they would live and what they would do when they
all got back there together。 Dan abetted her； and said that they must
cross in June。 Mrs。 Pasmer said that she thought June was a good month。
He asked if it were not the month of the marriages too； and she answered
that he must ask Alice about that。 Alice blushed and laughed her sweet
reluctant laugh； and said she did not know； she had never been married。
It was silly； but it was delicious； it made them really one family。 Deep
in his consciousness a compunction pierced and teased Dan。 But he said to
himself that it was all a joke about their European plans； or else his
people would consent to it if he really wished it。
XXXIX。
A period of entire harmony and tenderness followed the episode which
seemed to threaten the lovers with the loss of each other。 Mavering
forbore to make Alice feel that in attempting a sacrifice which consulted
only his good and ignored his happiness； and then failing in it so
promptly； she had played rather a silly part。 After one or two tentative
jokes in that direction he found the ground unsafe； and with the instinct
which served him in place of more premeditated piety he withdrew； and was
able to treat the affair with something like religious awe。 He was
obliged； in fact； to steady Alice's own faith in it； and to keep her from
falling under dangerous self…condemnation in that and other excesses of
uninstructed self…devotion。 This brought no fatigue to his robust
affection； whatever it might have done to a heart more tried in such
exercises。 Love acquaints youth with many things in character and
temperament which are none the less interesting because it never explains
them； and Dan was of such a make that its revelations of Alice were
charming to him because they were novel。 He had thought her a person of
such serene and flawless wisdom that it was rather a relief to find her
subject to gusts of imprudence； to unexpected passions and resentments； to
foibles and errors； like other people。 Her power of cold reticence； which
she could employ at will； was something that fascinated him almost as much
as that habit of impulsive concession which seemed to came neither from
her will nor her reason。 He was a person himself who was so eager to give
other people pleasure that he quivered with impatience to see them happy
through his words or acts； he could not bear to think that any one to whom
he was speaking was not perfectly comfortable in regard to him； and it was
for this reason perhaps that he admired a girl who could prescribe herself
a line of social conduct； and follow it out regardless of individual
pangswho could act from ideals and principles； and not from emotions and
sympathies。 He knew that she had the emotions and sympathies； for there
were times when she lavished them on him； and that she could seem without
them was another proof of that depth of nature which he liked to imagine
had first attracted him to her。 Dan Mavering had never been able to snub
any one in his life； it gave him a great respect for Alice that it seemed
not to cost her an effort or a regret； and it charmed him to think that
her severity was part of the unconscious sham which imposed her upon the
world for a person of inflexible design and invariable constancy to it。
He was not long in seeing that she shared this illusion； if it was an
illusion； and that perhaps the only person besides himself who was in the
joke was her mother。 Mrs。 Pasmer and he grew more and more into each
other's confidence in talking Alice over； and he admired the intrepidity
of this lady； who was not afraid of her daughter even in the girl's most
topping moments of self…abasement。 For his own part； these moods of hers
never failed to cause him confusion and anxiety。 They commonly intimated
themselves parenthetically in the midst of some blissful talk they were
having； and overcast his clear sky with retrospective ideals of conduct or
presentimental plans for contingencies that might never occur。 He found
himself suddenly under condemnation for not having reproved her at a given
time when she forced him to admit she had seemed unkind or cold to others；
she made him promise that even at the risk of alienating her affections he
would make up for her deficiencies of behaviour in such matters whenever
he noticed them。 She now praised him for what he had done for Mrs。
Frobisher and her sister at Mrs。 Bellingham's reception； she said it was
generous； heroic。 But Mavering rested satisfied with his achievement in
that instance； and did not attempt anything else of the kind。 He did not
reason from cause to effect in regard to it： a man's love is such that
while it lasts he cannot project its object far enough from him to judge
it reasonable or unreasonable； but Dan's instincts had been disciplined
and his perceptions sharpened by that experience。 Besides； in bidding him
take this impartial and even admonitory course toward her； she stipulated
that they should maintain to the world a perfect harmony of conduct which
should be an outward image of the union of
