roughing it-第98节

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my　hand　and　said：

〃Don't！〃

He　ejaculated　sharply：

〃Your　watch！　　Your　money！〃

I　said：

〃You　can　have　them　with　pleasurebut　take　the　pistol　away　from　my　face；
please。　　It　makes　me　shiver。〃

〃No　remarks！　　Hand　out　your　money！〃

〃CertainlyI〃

〃Put　up　your　hands！　　Don't　you　go　for　a　weapon！　　Put　'em　up！　　Higher！〃

I　held　them　above　my　head。

A　pause。　　Then：

〃Are　you　going　to　hand　out　your　money　or　not？〃

I　dropped　my　hands　to　my　pockets　and　said：

Certainly！　　I〃

〃Put　up　your　hands　！　　Do　you　want　your　head　blown　off？　　Higher！〃

I　put　them　above　my　head　again。

Another　pause。

Are　you　going　to　hand　out　your　money　or　not？　　Ah…ahagain？　　Put　up　your
hands！　　By　George；　you　want　the　head　shot　off　you　awful　bad！〃

〃Well；　friend；　I'm　trying　my　best　to　please　you。　　You　tell　me　to　give　up
my　money；　and　when　I　reach　for　it　you　tell　me　to　put　up　my　hands。　　If　you
would　only。　　Oh；　nowdon't！　　All　six　of　you　at　me！　　That　other　man
will　get　away　while。Now　please　take　some　of　those　revolvers　out　of　my
facedo；　if　you　please！　　Every　time　one　of　them　clicks；　my　liver　comes
up　into　my　throat！　　If　you　have　a　motherany　of　youor　if　any　of　you
have　ever　had　a　motheror　agrandmotheror　a〃

〃Cheese　it！　　Will　you　give　up　your　money；　or　have　we　got　to。　　There
therenone　of　that！　　Put　up　your　hands！〃

〃GentlemenI　know　you　are　gentlemen　by　your〃

〃Silence！　　If　you　want　to　be　facetious；　young　man；　there　are　times　and
places　more　fitting。　　This　is　a　serious　business。〃

〃You　prick　the　marrow　of　my　opinion。　　The　funerals　I　have　attended　in　my
time　were　comedies　compared　to　it。　　Now　I　think〃

〃Curse　your　palaver！　　Your　money！your　money！your　money！　　Hold！put
up　your　hands！〃

〃Gentlemen；　listen　to　reason。　　You　see　how　I　am　situatednow　don't　put
those　pistols　so　closeI　smell　the　powder。

You　see　how　I　am　situated。　　If　I　had　four　handsso　that　I　could　hold　up
two　and〃

〃Throttle　him！　　Gag　him！　　Kill　him！〃

〃Gentlemen；　don't！　　Nobody's　watching　the　other　fellow。　　Why　don't　some
of　you。　　Ouch！　　Take　it　away；　please！

Gentlemen；　you　see　that　I've　got　to　hold　up　my　hands；　and　so　I　can't　take
out　my　moneybut　if　you'll　be　so　kind　as　to　take　it　out　for　me；　I　will
do　as　much　for　you　some〃

〃Search　him　Beauregardand　stop　his　jaw　with　a　bullet；　quick；　if　he　wags
it　again。　　Help　Beauregard；　Stonewall。〃

Then　three　of　them；　with　the　small；　spry　leader；　adjourned　to　Mike　and
fell　to　searching　him。　　I　was　so　excited　that　my　lawless　fancy　tortured
me　to　ask　my　two　men　all　manner　of　facetious　questions　about　their　rebel
brother…generals　of　the　South；　but；　considering　the　order　they　had
received；　it　was　but　common　prudence　to　keep　still。　　When　everything　had
been　taken　from　me；watch；　money；　and　a　multitude　of　trifles　of　small
value；I　supposed　I　was　free；　and　forthwith　put　my　cold　hands　into　my
empty　pockets　and　began　an　inoffensive　jig　to　warm　my　feet　and　stir　up
some　latent　couragebut　instantly　all　pistols　were　at　my　head；　and　the
order　came　again：

They　stood　Mike　up　alongside　of　me；　with　strict　orders　to　keep　his　hands
above　his　head；　too；　and　then　the　chief　highwayman　said：

〃Beauregard；　hide　behind　that　boulder；　Phil　Sheridan；　you　hide　behind
that　other　one；　Stonewall　Jackson；　put　yourself　behind　that　sage…bush
there。　　Keep　your　pistols　bearing　on　these　fellows；　and　if　they　take　down
their　hands　within　ten　minutes；　or　move　a　single　peg；　let　them　have　it！〃

Then　three　disappeared　in　the　gloom　toward　the　several　ambushes；　and　the
other　three　disappeared　down　the　road　toward　Virginia。

It　was　depressingly　still；　and　miserably　cold。　　Now　this　whole　thing　was
a　practical　joke；　and　the　robbers　were　personal　friends　of　ours　in
disguise；　and　twenty　more　lay　hidden　within　ten　feet　of　us　during　the
whole　operation；　listening。　　Mike　knew　all　this；　and　was　in　the　joke；　but
I　suspected　nothing　of　it。　　To　me　it　was　most　uncomfortably　genuine。
When　we　had　stood　there　in　the　middle　of　the　road　five　minutes；　like　a
couple　of　idiots；　with　our　hands　aloft；　freezing　to　death　by　inches；
Mike's　interest　in　the　joke　began　to　wane。　　He　said：

〃The　time's　up；　now；　aint　it？〃

〃No；　you　keep　still。　　Do　you　want　to　take　any　chances　with　these　bloody
savages？〃

Presently　Mike　said：

〃Now　the　time's　up；　anyway。　　I'm　freezing。〃

〃Well　freeze。　　Better　freeze　than　carry　your　brains　home　in　a　basket。
Maybe　the　time　is　up；　but　how　do　we　know？got　no　watch　to　tell　by。
I　mean　to　give　them　good　measure。　　I　calculate　to　stand　here　fifteen
minutes　or　die。　　Don't　you　move。〃

So；　without　knowing　it；　I　was　making　one　joker　very　sick　of　his　contract。
When　we　took　our　arms　down　at　last；　they　were　aching　with　cold　and
fatigue；　and　when　we　went　sneaking　off；　the　dread　I　was　in　that　the　time
might　not　yet　be　up　and　that　we　would　feel　bullets　in　a　moment；　was　not
sufficient　to　draw　all　my　attention　from　the　misery　that　racked　my
stiffened　body。

The　joke　of　these　highwayman　friends　of　ours　was　mainly　a　joke　upon
themselves；　for　they　had　waited　for　me　on　the　cold　hill…top　two　full
hours　before　I　came；　and　there　was　very　little　fun　in　that；　they　were　so
chilled　that　it　took　them　a　couple　of　weeks　to　get　warm　again。　　Moreover；
I　never　had　a　thought　that　they　would　kill　me　to　get　money　which　it　was
so　perfectly　easy　to　get　without　any　such　folly；　and　so　they　did　not
really　frighten　me　bad　enough　to　make　their　enjoyment　worth　the　trouble
they　had　taken。　　I　was　only　afraid　that　their　weapons　would　go　off
accidentally。　　Their　very　numbers　inspired　me　with　confidence　that　no
blood　would　be　intentionally　spilled。　　They　were　not　smart；　they　ought　to
have　sent　only　one　highwayman；　with　a　double…barrelled　shot　gun；　if　they
desired　to　see　the　author　of　this　volume　climb　a　tree。

However；　I　suppose　that　in　the　long　run　I　got　the　largest　share　of　the
joke　at　last；　and　in　a　shape　not　foreseen　by　the　highwaymen；　for　the
chilly　exposure　on　the　〃divide〃　while　I　was　in　a　perspiration　gave　me　a
cold　which　developed　itself　into　a　troublesome　disease　and　kept　my　hands
idle　some　three　months；　besides　costing　me　quite　a　sum　in　doctor's　bills。
Since　then　I　play　no　practical　jokes　on　people　and　generally　lose　my
temper　when　one　is　played　upon　me。

When　I　returned　to　San　Francisco　I　projected　a　pleasure　journey　to　Japan
and　thence　westward　around　the　world；　but　a　desire　to　see　home　again
changed　my　mind；　and　I　took　a　berth　in　the　steamship；　bade　good…bye　to
the　friendliest　land　and　livest；　heartiest　community　on　our　continent；
and　came　by　the　way　of　the　Isthmus　to　New　Yorka　trip　that　was　not　much
of　a　pic…nic　excursion；　for　the　cholera　broke　out　among　us　on　the　passage
and　we　buried　two　or　three　bodies　at　sea　every　day。　　I　found　home　a
dreary　place　after　my　long　absence；　for　half　the　children　I　had　known
were　now　wearing　whiskers　or　waterfalls；　and　few　of　the　grown　people　I
had　been　acquainted　with　remained　at　their　hearthstones　prosperous　and
happysome　of　them　had　wandered　to　other　scenes；　some　were　in　jail；　and
the　rest　had　been　hanged。　　These　changes　touched　me　deeply；　and　I　went
away　and　joined　the　famous　Quaker　City　European　Excursion　and　carried　my
tears　to　foreign　lands。

Thus；　after　seven　years　of　vicissitudes；　ended　a　〃pleasure　trip〃　to　the
silver　mines　of　Nevada　which　had　originally　been　intended　to　occupy　only
three　months。　　However；　I　usually　miss　my　calculations　further　than　that。


MORAL。

If　the　reader　thinks　he　is　done；　now；　and　that　this　book　has　no　moral　to
it；　he　is　in　error。　　The　moral　of　it　is　this：　If　you　are　of　any　account；
stay　at　home　and　make　your　way　by　faithful　diligence；　but　if　you　are　〃no
account；〃　go　away　from　home；　and　then　you　will　have　to　work；　whether　you
want　to　or　not。　　Thus　you　become　a　blessing　to　your　friends　by　ceasing　to
be　a　nuisance　to　themif　the　people　you　go　among　suffer　by　the
operation。




APPENDIX。　A。

BRIEF　SKETCH　OF　MORMON　HISTORY。

Mormonism　is　only　about　forty　years　old；　but　its　career　has　been　full　of
stir　and　adventure　from　the　beginning；　and　is　likely　to　remain　so　to　the
end。　　Its　adherents　have　been　hunted　and　hounded　from　one　end　of　the
country　to　the　other；　and　the　result　is　that　for　years　they　have　hated
all　〃Gentiles〃　indiscriminately　and　with　all　their　might。　　Joseph　Smith；
the　finder　of　the　Book　of　Mormon　and　founder　of　the　religion；　was　driven
from　State　to　State　with　his　mysterious　copperplates　and　the　miraculous
stones　he　read　their　inscriptions　with。　　Finally　he　instituted　his
〃church〃　in　Ohio　and　Brigham　Young　joined　it。　　The　neighbors　began　to
persecute；　and　apostasy　commenced。　　Brigham　held　to　the　faith　and　worked
hard。　　He　arrested　desertion。　　He　did　morehe　added　converts　in　the
midst　of　the　trouble。　　He　rose　in　favor　and　importance　with　the　brethren。
He　was　made　one　of　the　Twelve　Apostles　of　the　Church。　　He　shortly　fought
his　way　to　a　higher　post　and　a　more　powerfulPresident　of　the　Twelve。
The　neighbors　rose　up　and　drove　the　Mormons　out　of　Ohio；　and　they　settled
in　Missouri。　　Brigham　went　with　them。　　The　Missourians　drove　them　out　and
they　retreated　to　Nauvoo；　Illinois。　　They　prospered　there；　and　built　a
temple　which　made　some　pretensions　to　architectural　grace　and　achieved
some　celebrity　in　a　sec